[Typo]

I seem to be working in circles, I honestly didn't know where to put this, It seems to hit a wide range of topics so I thought here would be good

In the past two years I've started therapy, and trying to take charge of my mental health and to face my demons.

I seem to be getting really good at invalidating myself, and my experinces, sometimes I wonder if I'm "too sensitive" and maybe things I went through aren't really that traumatic, that I'm just blowing them out of porportion and letting them have too big a hold on my life. being "over dramatic" or a "hypcondraic" as my mother calls me from time to time. And sometimes I wonder if I am just blowing the string of events labled as "traumatic" out of porportion, or maybe I've gotten the details mixed up, or some other invalidating thought...

It seems I'm stuck in this cycle, this endless circle of getting somewhere, then falling apart and invalidating myself, becoming full of fear and isolating.

I find myself struggling with learning how to manage my bipolar II as well, I am well informed on my PTSD and coaping/grouding skills. I have problems committing to meds (and well almost anything in general) I"m back to seriously considering giving meds a try again, I can't handle these off the wall mood swings, I"m all mixed up I can't tell what is a vaild concern or just the ****ed up chemicals in my brain, I try and take the stance that I have to treat my bipolar disorder like I would if it was a physical illness. If I had (insert physical illness here) I would take the nessacary medication and precautions to care for myself, since I"m bipolar I need to (insert blank here). It's hard because my knowledge on it is so minimal, and I don't know how to get more information.

I find it frustrating becauase my at home support is non existant, my parent's won't accept it, or they treat it like a death sentence, or that I"m glass and about to break, or they even go to the point in pointing out how I am never going to be able to care for myself if I am bipolar because of x, y, z, etc...

Everything is so frustrating right now, I'm so stressed, it feels like I"m not getting anywhere, that I"m just walking in circles till I"ve worn a hole in the ground and all you can see is the top of my head, I want to break this cycle, I want to get better, damnit I want my life, I want this fear to go away, I want to feel like I"m acomplishign something. I want things to go right, I want to make progress, damnit I want stability! I've never really had any stabilty in my life, and I CRAVE it..

the problem is, I don't know how to get it, and I have an issue of freaking out when I have it, T worries maybe I sabtoge stablity in my life, because all I know is chaos and disorder,

in a short summary this is how I feel:

GARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[FooZe]

(((((((Typo)))))))

That "circle" you're describing sounds more like a big ol' spiral staircase to me. Could you have written... this post, say... a year ago? Two years ago?

Originally Posted by Typo

I seem to be getting really good at invalidating myself, and my experinces, sometimes I wonder if I'm "too sensitive" and maybe things I went through aren't really that traumatic, that I'm just blowing them out of porportion and letting them have too big a hold on my life.

Invalidating yourself is just one more thing you sometimes do. You're already describing it from a slightly different viewpoint than if you were smack in the middle of doing it and completely buying into it. Maybe I shouldn't give away the plot like this, but as you do it some more you may start to notice (if you haven't already) that (a.) it doesn't actually mean anything and (b.) you often have more interesting things you can be doing.

It seems I'm stuck in this cycle, this endless circle of getting somewhere, then falling apart and invalidating myself, becoming full of fear and isolating.

If you're noticing that getting somewhere seems to stir up invalidating yourself, you might try looking at it from the other direction:

Non-quote:
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Not actually posted yet by Typo

I feel like invalidating myself again -- I must be
getting somewhere!

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I've never really had any stabilty in my life, and I CRAVE it..

the problem is, I don't know how to get it, and I have an issue of freaking out when I have it, T worries maybe I sabtoge stablity in my life, because all I know is chaos and disorder...

All the stability I know, feels pretty much like surfing on chaos and disorder. YMMV.

I'm probably biased. Complain as you will about how everything's about to fall apart for you, to me it always looks like you're doing just fine.

(((((((Typo)))))))

--------------------------------------
Don't believe everything you think.

In the past two years I've started therapy, and trying to take charge of my mental health and to face my demons.

Have you, your psychiatrist and therapist identified your demons? What role do your demons play in destabilizing your mental health? Will medications help keep you stabilized? What steps need to be taken to slay the demons?

If after two years you are questioning the validity of your concerns, whether you are overemphasizing their significance, why has your treatment team not told you what you experienced is not as serious as you at least at one time believed?

Effective treatment is a cooperative venture. You need to be honest and forthright and follow through with what the treatment team expects of you as a means to getting better. Your treatment team has to be open and forthright with you also. Frankly, my thought is that you have raised similar issues a number of times in previous posts. Maybe it is time to consider a new treatment team to stop the merry-go-round that so frustrates you and see if you can attain the stability you seek with the assistance of someone else.

Good luck.

[possum220]

Much of what all people struggle with is from events that have happened in life.

Another large factor in what we struggle with is passed onto us from the genes we inherit from our parents. IE illnesses - including bipolar. Even our emotional makeup comes from these genes. It's a bit like russian roulette as to what we end up with.

Nuture or lack of it also comes in.

I am super sensitive too..... and I hate it.

All we can do is our best. Please try not to beat yourself up.

Like you said........ you are working..... and that's all we can do.....

[SophiaG]

I think your parents saying you wouldnt be able to make it on your own is a bunch of baloney. You, sparrow, are able to work your butt off on the weekends at that dreaded fast food place that you hate so much. You are a hard worker. Do you just forget that overnight? I"m continually amazed at how hard you push yourself in balancing school, work, friends and your current love.

You underestimate yourself my little feathered friend.

Love yourself, Typo, and be well.

[Typo]

((((((((Byz)))))))) ((((((((Fooze)))))))) ((((((((Possum)))))) (((((((((SophiaG))))))))

I think finding a good pdoc is something I really need to bare down and do over the summer, the mental health providers available around here are few and far between, and the insurance I"m on doesn't list providers, I have to call any provider I find and see if they take my insurance, to protect my "privacy" WTF??!!! It doesn't protect my privacy, it just makes finding mental health care harder than it already is, instead of just having to jump through hoops, I now have to jump through hoops when they are on fire... T is good for now, granted she isn't the world's greatest T and she is overbooked and swamped, but she really cares and I feel safe with her, The next few years is going to be a lot of moving and I'm not sure where my continuation in therapy is going to be in that, I would like to keep going, but I may be moving out of the area, and in a few years I'm probably moving out of state,

I think I have an issue with invalidating myself because A) I"ve been invalidated a large portion of my life by my family, B) A part of me is still in denial and C) I fear facing the demons head on, fear seems to control every aspect of my life,

I find I start really invalidating myself when I"m on the cusp of making a reliazation or accepting a truth I"ve denied my whole life, such as when I first started accepting the fact I was sexually abused, I had a complete breakdown, when I started facing the loss and grief of loosing my grandmother and greatgrandmother six months apart I fell apart and isolated, and when I faced the trauma from the car accident, I wouldn't drive unless I had to. It's like I"m working against myself sometiems, I have these lifetime worth of defense mechanisms and when I work against them they freak out, sort of like metaphorically speaking if you had a guard dog and broke into your own house the dog is still going to bite you because it's what it's trained to do.

I have T today, not sure what I want to say or do, feeling small and scared, and unimportant in the world, I really want to skip, but I know it will do nothing but hurt me if I do

Oh my messed up brain......

No matter how you explain it, the crux remains that the core issues are not being addressed. May you find the strength to initiate the discussion that matters. Hello, my name is Typo and I have been abused.

Good luck.

[REEG]

Hey Typo, keep at it... the cyclical nature of this stuff is hard! I can relate to your experience.

I like Fool Zero's image of an upward spiral. Sounds as if posting here has been a way to keep that spiral soaring.

[possum220]

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming

[Typo]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

. May you find the strength to initiate the discussion that matters. Hello, my name is Typo and I have been abused.

Good luck.

That to me is the most frightening thing to face, I"ve said it once before to T, I curled up in a ball in my chair, hid behind my jacket, put my little stuffed ox in front of my face and whispered "I was sexually abused" then about threw up, got dizzy, and dissocated and T had to calm me down so I could drive home, We discuss the damage it has had to me in my trust issues, the toll it has taken on me in my life, I've discussed some of the emotional abuse that went with it, the name calling and blaming abuser did to me. I can't find the strength to discuss the acts, or the specifics, paritally because my memory is foggy although a few things pop out in clear view, and partially because I'm to scared to, even typing this makes me fuzzy and my eyesight becomes unfocused.... I've done a lot of discusson over the dysfunctional home I grew up in and continue to live in, and the emotional abuse I recieveced from my mother, who while much better than she was, is still abusive to me at times, I need out, and I'm trying so hard to find the exit...

I need to find my voice, and I"ve learned after years and years of being mute to speak, but my voice is stuck at hoarse whisper, I am feeling less and less like a scared little girl, and more like an adult a grown woman in charge of my life and how I want my life to go but from time to time I still feel like that scared little girl hiding in the corner, I'm making progress, slowly surely, I'm better than I was two years ago, hell even a year ago, but I'm not were I need to be, and sometimes I get frustrated because I want to be better NOW, instead of say 3 years or whenever down the road, I know it's a lifelong process, and the learning, the healing, the growing never stops, it just gets exhuasting at times , like I'm walking around in the same spot over and over, and ever once and awhile I find the path out and I start to take it, but then I get scared, and I run back to that familar circle....

Fear is my biggest enemy in this process and in every piece of my life, I was grown up to fear everything, question everything, to always be looking over my shoulder, now I"m having to break that, I don't have to be afraid, there are so many wonderful things in life, and not every piece of life is terror filled and horrible and a war zone. It's just breaking the habits, breaking the old tapes that play in my mind, re-learning things, I've had to re-learn, or learn so much for the first time in the past two years, it's overwheleming at times, but it feels good to know I'm doing something, anything to make my life better and break the cycle...

just got to keep remebering to put one foot in front of the otehr, and not give into the fear..........

[FooZe]

I think the best thing you can be doing for yourself is to just keep noticing, exactly as you are.

Isn't pressing even this far into the fear, and saying this much about it, a new thing for you?

Originally Posted by Typo

... even typing this makes me fuzzy and my eyesight becomes unfocused...

After that, does something worse actually happen -- or are those symptoms just warning you that it might (or once did)?

[Typo]

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Isn't pressing even this far into the fear, and saying this much about it, a new thing for you?


After that, does something worse actually happen -- or are those symptoms just warning you that it might (or once did)?

Huh, I guess so! I didn't even notice it! I haven't talked about my fear issues a lot, but here lately I"m just jabbering away at them, with T, on here, or with my best friend IRL...

It depends, I use to dissocate severly for days on end, loose time, get confused on who I was, where I was, or I fall into PTSD high alert mode, becmoe jumpy and unable to function, most of the time though I just get fuzzy, unfocused and I'm able to ground myself back down to earth and present, I think it's all just learned defense

[kadesgirl09]

(((((TYPO))))) I just want to say I was in the same boat. It took me 5 t's and over a year with the last one to finally bring up the abuse. But now (even though I am in the middle of finding a new t havent been to one in almost a year now) with all that is going on with me that is something that has less of a hold on my life. soometimes I even forget that it even happened. weird. i still have much to talk about with new t concerning that period of time but the hard part is over for me. just talking about it is so hard but it made me feel sssoooo much better. good luck typo!!

For me, knowledge is power. Fear: http://www.whatithinkabout.com/how-t...es-it-creates/

This article is controversial but nonetheless is a cornucopia full of thought: http://www.therapy-insights.com/Over...xual_Abuse.php

Undoubtedly you are making progress, Typo. Confucius said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves," and, "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."

Jean Piaget, a Swiss child development researcher, stated:

Probably as a result of his training in biology, Piaget believed that intellectual development was the result of both genetic and environmental factors. Thus, a child must be 'maturationally ready' before he/she can learn new things, the same principals governed cognitive and biological growth.

To me, there is little reason to believe adults too learn when they are ready to. I believe you are ready to, Typo. Good luck.

[ruffy]

(((Typo)))...Life is not a destination, its a journey.

How are you doing, Typo?

[Typo]

I"m doing a bit better

I seem to be having little moments of clarity, (which isn't right now, because it's hard to have clarity pre coffee)

I'm learning that, the world isn't going to end at any second, that it's okay to be afraid of things as long as I don't let that fear choke me, suffcate me, and stop me from experincing things

T asked me other day "If you could go back and change anything that happened to you, all the bad things would you?"

without even thinking about I blurted out no, that may seem like an insane answer that would leave most scratching their heads, but, those experinces, they have helped shaped who I am, and I rather like me, and it's hard to explain but, maybe I can learn something from those things and help someone else someday, because I had those experinces, I've taken steps on a path, and that path has lead me to have some very special and wonderful people in my life, I have no regrets, I wouldn't change anything in my past,

For every bad thing, for ever night spent crying myself to sleep, the days where I wanted my life to end, there are five good days I could be thinking of instead, there is a laugh, a smile, a day spent with loved ones or doing something I love that I could think of instead

I have the power, and only I do, to make my life what I want, I have my demons, I have my health concerns, my baggage, but that's okay, and I'll learn to accpet and love those things about myself in due time

I am in control, I'm not that scared little girl anymore, and I haven't been in a very long time, I"m a grown woman, a bird with a set of wings, I have dreams, I have hopes, I have so much, so many good things, so many postives, I am loved, I have loved,

Life is so beautiful, there is so much to see and experince, so much to learn,

And yes there are going to be days I fall off the path and cry, and scream, and shout, and feel like the world is going to come crashing down on me at any moment, but that's okay, it's part of healing, the healing is a life long journey and it's not going to always be pretty, or easy, or comfterable, but I'll take it, I'll take that journey if it means I can have more moments like this, where I"m happy, fat and full on life, I just have to keep picking myself back up, dust myself off and keep going, because at the end of every night is a sunrise and a new chance, a new day to start over, to learn, to be alive

and I think that's a pretty wonderful thing...

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Typo

...without even thinking about I blurted out no, that may seem like an insane answer that would leave most scratching their heads

It's called "crazy wisdom," hun. Something you happen to be quite good at.

You are a trooper, Typo, with an intense desire to fix what you can, accept what you cannot and enjoy the journey as it unfolds. Kudos.

[SophiaG]

I"m glad to hear you are doing so well

Proud of you. *hug*