[kvinneakt]

I apologize for being a spoiler yesterday. This kept me awake for hours during the night and there were many things to write. It is all gone now. That's ok. I can be brief.

Vett, your story reminds me way too much of the bad story of a couple friends of mine and I seem to keep getting my emotions mixed up with the two stories. I am likely projecting bad images from my friends' situation onto yours.

I have what I call a mental scatoma about some social issues. Some things I simply don't get a clue. My wife says I am socially retarded. I have to agree. It is a certainty that there are some things going on, that are clear to most people, and beyond my grasp. Like a color blindness. It is said that things that bother you about other people are rooted in things that bother you about yourself. This is evidently a problem for me with Vett. I think I easily see some things that ought to be easy for him to see, too. He has as hard a time with his issues as I do with mine. My impatience with myself then extends to impatience with others when it strikes that chord. (Does this make any sense???)

I am going to back away from this forum for awhile, not 100%, but try to get back out of the saturation point, and just mostly be a lurker.

Wherever you go, there you are

[ltlredvett]

kv.....

After reading your post I have a bit more insight into your comments to me. As I have stated before posting can be a dangerous way to communicate as there is no immediate feedback to clarify. The words are taken at face value and sometimes, especially when emotions are raw, they can be taken the wrong way.

I know I am a bit tender right now. Perhaps you could even say that I have a "thin skin". I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that despite the major mistakes I have made I am a very sensitive individual. But, I can also be strong, but admittedly I haven't really demonstrated that very much lately.
The loss of this relationship and the consequences of what I have done are huge and I just need time to grieve and to sort this whole mess out. Losing the love of your life may sound like no big deal to some. The advice would be to heal, fix my problems and, as people say" move on. Well, I will heal (hopefully... having some tough times lately) but I have no intention on moving on in a relationship. Not for a long, long time... if ever. The pain is just too great and I just seem to have this track record of either picking the wrong partner, or screwing things up when I finally found the right one.

I know that kv you were only trying to do what is in my best interest. Frankly, I think you could of used a little more diplomacy and tact. Been a little more understanding of how raw my emotions were and that I am doing my damnedest to be strong and heal.

All of us on here have demons we are battling and many make mistakes, I know I sure have made plenty. But, kv you were big enough to come on and apologize and you were open and honest and it gave me great insight into why you said the things you did.

So don't stop posting. It would just not be fair to you or to others that enjoy reading your posts. You have been a steady contributor here and deserve to continue that.

[Fuzzybear]

Wow, kv!

I just posted and deleted an "apology" to Rapunzel for going off on one in chat, about something else that was bothering me. She might not have given it a second thought, but it was bothering me a lot, and keeping me awake.

I know the situation with you is different, but "unfortunately" it is sometimes true that the things that bother you about other people are rooted in things that bother you about yourself. Particularly some of the thought processes maybe .... Hmm. I don't know. I feel like deleting this ...

{{{{{{{{kv/vett}}}}}}}}

Take care,
Fuzzy

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Kvinn ltredvett}}}}}}}}}}}}

Group hug is in order here


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}

Looks like you need this too hun.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[heidu]

The important part is to move on. Kv has apolgized and explained. Vett has understood and expressed his feelings.

Don't let this ruin a possible friendship, let it help to build a stronger one. We all need eachother here. We don't always know what to say and we don't always say the right things.

Keep the lines of communication open. There is a possibility of forgivness. There is a chance at friendship and greater understanding.

Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LMo]

Yay! Friends again!

I believe that we should all be honest with each other here (but tact is good, too!). KV has excellent insight, and since I know that, I have taken a good hard look at his comments to me about MY issues, maybe more so than I would normally. Sometimes honest feedback hurts, but better than having your friends just cheer you on when you're making mistakes.

Vett - glad to see you're still here - I was worried about you after yesterday.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[ltlredvett]

LMo

Thanks for your concern.... I am still trying to make the best of a bad situation. But, frankly it is getting harder and harder with each passing day.

[LMo]

Poor Vett. Come on... new beginnings. Up the talk therapy, if you need to. Maybe a medication followup would help?

Your friend who is worried about you,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[ltlredvett]

LMo.....

You know I have been through talk therapy before and this time it's really no different than before. It does help me get over the initial crisis, but then reality sinks in. I mean at this point no meds or talk is going to fix my life. It goes way beyond my recent relationship. At any rate, having a very bad day and I am just not sure whether posting here is a good thing or a bad thing.

[LMo]

okay... do what you need to do. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

LMo
(ice cream? a karate class? rollercoaster ride? actually, one of my most successful efforts in getting my boyfriend out of a slump was when I took him to a haunted house last Halloween. I think the adrenaline scared the depression right out of him, at least for the evening!)

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[ltlredvett]

Thanks LMo... and I am so sorry for being "such a downer"... just that so many decisions I have made and things I have let go are catching up to me. And meds and talk therapy can't fix these things in m ylife. I am paying hte price for major bad decisions and then living nearly three years in depression not cleaning up my mess. At any rate I am going around and around and araound... not really getting anywhere.... you know kv was right to have confronted me the way he did. I think he sees how trapped I am.

[LMo]

No apology necessary about the downer thing. You are probably completely overwhelmed, and I'm guessing that you're sick of hearing yourself talk about it. I agree - you're in a rut - how about a vacation? It doesn't help everyone, but vacationing alone is good for me when I am burnt out. Especially if it's some kind of adventure vacation.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[ltlredvett]

I would love to take a vacation. Before my divorce I would always go somewhere exotic or fun. Now I just don't have the resources to do it unfortunately.

[LMo]

Camping?

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I honestly didn't give it a second thought and I can't think of what you would have to apologize to me for. Please don't lose sleep over it - you need your sleep.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Group Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[heidu]

I LOVE CAMPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[ltlredvett]

Thanks for chatting with me today heidu. I sure hope that kv doesn't stop posting. I hate it when I get so damn irritable.

[kvinneakt]

I am sneaking in a reply. One of the clerks in my office narc'd me to the boss for being here and doing online job searchs at other companies, or so it appears. My boss is very crabby to me today and gave me a pile of busy work she hopes will keep me busy for days. It will actually only take a few hours and reveals some crap she has put off for years that has certainly cost the company thousands.

I went to my gender issue therapy intake. It was not much to remark on. It seems I have pretty much covered the issues here and with a couple friends. It was kind of a funny situation. She told me right out that she is a lesbian and experienced in all kinds of sexuality issues. She told me about various "queer" issue support systems locally. We talked about my son's picture appearing in the Gay Pride gallery on Yahoo. It felt like she kind of like was welcoming me to the queer community, which I guess she was, but what an odd place to find myself after all these years, and how odd to find it ok.

Question: As I said my boss has been crabby to me. Well, I have been even crabbier to her for weeks. Do you think it is wrong to say anything to her about my having been in a state of mental chaos for several months now? It would probably help repair some hard feelings, but my issues are not really any of her business. This is a puzzle...

Wherever you go, there you are

[SeptemberMorn]

You're right, Vet... "meds and talk therapy can't fix these things" There's nothing you can do to change the past, but... meds can get you out of the funk you're in. Once the depression is disspelled, you'll think more clearly. Talk therapy will help you find out what made you make those mistakes in the first place and once you understand, you won't be prone to making them again.

Methinks you are enjoying steeping in your misery right now. That's okay. Just don't let it last too long.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[LMo]

KV - that is SUCKY! Crabby = bad. So sorry you're dealing with junky work stuff.

You know, kind of an aside, but I've been wondering whether it bothers you and Sam/Sheila that every time you talk about your gender issues, the conversation invariably turns into a discussion about homosexuality. I'm not sure why that happens, but I'm just as guilty of going off on that tangent as anyone else. Do you mind that?

About your boss... that's a tough one! I struggled with that one myself, about my boyfriend. I was so worried about leaving him alone back in June and July, that when my client asked me to work on their new project, I initially said no, that I needed to spend more time at home. Then they offered that I could telecommute part-time, and I said only if I can work from home at least 2 weeks per month. That was hard for me to do, because it invited all of the "slacker!" comments from the other consultants and a bit of resentment from my client's employees. So I started telecommuting anyway, but to be honest it's almost harder to be here when he's feeling really depressed and doesn't get out of bed -- my concentration is completely shot. I only ended up working maybe 20 hours per week when things were really bad (they are better now, but I'm still having to work pretty late into the night to make up for goofing off time during the day).

I kind of felt that if I explained the reason WHY I needed time at home, that my client would be understanding, but I also felt like I would be violating my boyfriend's privacy by "outing" him. Also, I was worried that their reaction would be along the lines of "keep your personal life personal, and just do your job", especially since I'm a consultant and they don't have any obligation to be concerned about my personal well-being. So I didn't say anything for a few months, but a few weeks ago when I was on a trip with my project manager, she and I did have drinks one night and she confessed to suffering from lifelong depression, and asked me to be understanding if it leaks though to her mood at work. I did break the confidentiality a bit and admitted the reason I was not quite as available as I normally would like to be because of my boyfriend's depression, but I didn't go into much detail. I felt pretty relieved, but KV - I decided that I wouldn't have told her if she didn't open it up about herself.

Actually, here's an idea: could you discuss it with HR? If your boss is concerned about your performance at work, in a company the size of yours, your boss is probably going to talk to HR about it herself. It might not be a bad idea to preempt her, so that you (maybe? maybe not?) have an ally. That's part of HR's job, although I realize that my idea could backfire.

What do you think?

And KV - I"m sorry it's been mental chaos for you.... I really am... I'm here for you, anytime, ok?

Your friend,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[heidu]

Your personal life is just that. I would recommend what I have done in the past. I go to my employer before they come to me and explain that I am dealing with some personal issues that I would rather not talk about. I explain that although it is affecting me personally I will try my best to not let it affect my work. Then I apologize for any moodiness or slacking off.
I've always got understanding replies without having to be specific.

Hang in there!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[kvinneakt]

LMo and Heidu,

I am not sure if or what I would say to my boss. She is basically a good person and I am not worried about her abusing the info. I think if I say anything it will be vague, something like I have been having personal "issues" (gak! I hate that word used that way) and know I have been irritable and distracted, and that I am actively working on resolving them.

I had not even noticed the gender talk turning to homo talk. I talked to a therapist yesterday and one of the things she said was how common for most people to lump all gender/sexuality issues into one and call it gay. I did and still do this. Until very recently it was one of the mechanisms of my denial; I am not attracted to men, therefore I am straight and these other thoughts are just too weird and must be ignored. I have since learned there are many colors and shades of gender/sexuality other than 100% pure straight. It is almost like I have been learning a new ability to see and feel things never seen or felt before by me or most other people. It is really rather nifty.

I think that mental issues are very similar. Many people think you are either mentally healthy or you are mentally ill. The reality is there are many colors and shades of psychs. Some of them are dysfunctional and difficult, only a few are bad or evil.

Society is eventually well served by "outing" because the more exposure we all have to all our differences, the more tolerant we can become and the more we can learn to love our diversity. On the other hand, outing is a difficult personal choice. It is very difficult knowing you personally risk misunderstanding, ridicule, and harassment because society is not yet at a place where diversity is valued.

Oh oh! My boss has arrived. I must get to work now.

Wherever you go, there you are

[ltlredvett]

No question that most people treat people differntly that have a mental illness. I have seen it in friends, bosses, family and significant otehrs. The irony is taaht you areally just need htese poelpe more htan evera nd wehh n yuo need teh m teh e most ehy are not there fo r you.

[kvinneakt]

Vett, as an IT professional, it is my diagnosis that you need a new keyboard.

This morning I decided that my past few months of personal problems have made me a pretty lousy employee. I told my boss, who is a very nice lady, that my isolation and funky moods have been due to my own unspecified problems and that I have recognised the negative impact on my work and work relationships. She was delighted! She said she thought I was angry with her about something and she did not know what. She was very relieved to know I am recovering and trying to repair the collateral damage of my personal problems.

Whew....

Now if I can keep this trajectory going and open up some needed dialogs with my wife who knows I have "issues" but no details. I am getting closer... The therapist yesterday said it was pretty important to do this.

Wherever you go, there you are