[heidu]

I posted this yesterday and I am still searching for answers. Does anyone have suggestions or a clue of how I deal with my current feelings and how I move past them?
This was part of what I posted and part of what is wrong:

"There is nothing worth the price I have paid as a woman and as a person and so very much has been taken away. I always had trust issues with men before. Now I am afraid I will never be allow myself to feel anything for a man again.

I used to be very happy with my appearance and now I have a hard time going to the grocery some days because I feel so horrible about myself.

I used to love being around people and never was shy or intimidated. I was full of confidence. Now I would rather stay home alone as much as I want to go out because even just thinking about it gets me stressed.

So, I got to see Norway. Could've done that on vacation. I made a good friend and know a few people but I had that in the states. I learned a new language. Language has never been a desire or strong point for me and norwegian is basically useless unless your in Norway (and that depends on which part) or you meet a Norwegian outside of Norway.

I learned from my friends and family back home that I am on my own. They care but not enough to keep in touch or help me when I begged for it. "

Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LMo]

ooooh - I'm sorry Heidu! I had missed it!

As I said in another post, I think when you meet people that you can trust, then the trust will come naturally. I think it's probably like that for "feeling" something for someone as well. I don't know that it's worth it to worry about whether you will or won't in advance -- I think it really depends upon the friendships you find.

Have you seen any of the OTHER people in the grocery store??? PLEASE do not worry about what YOU look like! Yeesh! ;-) If you really feel ugly in your grocery store, I think it's time to shop elsewhere! (I'm kidding about that, by the way).

Do you exercise? I know it's a pain in the neck, but it's hard not to feel good about yourself after you've exercised.

Heidu, I've never lived abroad but I have worked or studied in other countries for up to 2 months at a time. It's exhausting to always feel like an outsider, to always be noticed because you're different. My dad, who is 82 and came to the US when he was 35, now has the problem where he feels like an outsider when he's in the US, and feels like an outsider when he's in his native country (in eastern europe). Honestly, I really don't blame you for having it feel like a big chore to be social. It takes a strong person to leave their country - I really respect the people who immigrated to the US. I know that it's a lot harder than Americans give them credit for.

I care enough to keep in touch - I'll PM you my email address, okay?

Where are you from originally, anyway? What state?

Your friend who will never bug you to meet me at a dance club if you don't feel like it,
LMO

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Zenobia]

I wish I could give you some wonderful sage advice but I have yet to learn to move past my issues...wait that isn't true.

I fell in love with my husband, moved in with him, married him and had his kids. Somewhere along the line I began to feel trapped and at times hated him and most deffinately didn't want to be near him. But that is different now, how did I do it? I have spent the last 3 years focusing on what I need and what I want. Nothing big or major just "I need quiet for a little while each day, if I can't get it at home then I leave the house and go for a run." "I need to speak about what I feel and when I feel ignored it is ok for me to say so" "I need to feel beautiful, that rests soley on me and my own appreciation of my body". The list goes on but mainly I have been "filling my well" so when it comes to being with my husband there is water in that well to draw on and I am happy to give of myself and not afraid to pull away when I need to. It makes loving a man a lot easier with you do not feel trapped by him and used by him. I think a lot of my problems, shyness, inferiority, self harm is due to the lack of self esteem. I am gaining more and more belief in my worthiness as a human being. I deserve more and it is ok for me to take more. This is not selfish it is self preservation. It is not materialism because what I take is time, time for myself to be myself so I can love myself. I still have a ways to go but I have already come a long way on building myself up. Now I need to go eat, I cooked salmon the other night, saved some for my hubby but he didn't eat it so I am going to snag it. You snooze you lose. he he.
Carrie


<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[heidu]

Lmo,
I would like to believe that when I meet people I can trust it would come naturally but I have been burned way too many times. It feels right and I am one to open my heart because I don't believe in giving any less than 100% and I get taken when I least expect it.
I see other people with lifelong friends and I envy that.

As for the grocery store. It's different here than in America. In America you throw on your grubbies and run to the store, no biggie. I always made sure my hair and makeup was in order and then I didn't worry. Here, you don't see people in grubbies at all. They dress quite nice even to go to the store.

I am getting back into exercising. I had a problem with my foot and ended up having surgery. It is just starting to get better so I can take a little walk after 2,5 years.

I can relate to your dad. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not a nice feeling. It is tough to immigrate and I have always respected people from other countries who moved to America but now I have an incredible respect for them and I know also some of the reasons why they left thier homeland. At least I had a choice.

I am originally from Minnesota.
I am not great at emailing right now so don't be super amazed if you dont get one from me. I kinda been keeping myself to the forums here as my outlet. Thank you, your very sweet.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[kvinneakt]

I saw your message yesterday and was searching for answers and hoping they would appear in LMo's head and she would write them up.

It looks like that happy thing happened!

Seriously, that is a monumental problem you have! I don't think you are going to get "the" answer. As has been put forward so many times in these forums, you have to take this problem down to it's smallest parts and move thru them with baby steps.

Geez I wish you, and others here, were not so darn far apart and we could get together for a pot luck or drinks now and then.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry hun for missing your post from yesterday I looked again but still don't see it...well anyways....here you are

When I read your post..the words that first came to my mind were self-esteem and self -confidence .....You need to boost your confidence level up a notch by looking at all the wonderful qualities that you do have.

Write down all of your personality traits....I have a few just from knowing you here.....

Caring
Generous
Funny
Supportive
Intelligent
Creative
Friendly.....now remember these are traits that I have noticed about you ...there are so many more ok?

Now after you write down those positives....write down some of the negatives/issues that you can see you want to work on......again i jotted down a couple here....

Trust....learn to trust yourself.
Appearance.....learn to love who you are.
Confidence.....learn to be more assertive (not in an intimidating way)
Independence.....learn that is it ok to reach out.

What you can do when you have your list is to start working on short term goals with some of those negatives (actually I don't like using the word negative in any personality trait...just haven't come up with a word yet

Say for example....Short term goal - making a new friend ....process...smile at the clerk at the make up counter at the mall.....start a conversation about my interest in makeup.

This is just an example...I know you have so much to offer someone...another thought too....are you making any plans on visiting the US ? Do you think that may be possible? The only reason I ask is that you seem to have such difficulty adjusting to Norway...would it be an idea?



Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[heidu]

Zen,
Hope you enjoyed your salmon. It sounds like you have really grown in the last 3 years and I think what you are doing for yourself is great.
You said: "I need to feel beautiful, that rests soley on me and my own appreciation of my body"
I don't feel bad about myself cause one day I just looked in the mirror and saw a flaw. I have always been flawed like anyone else (give or take a supermodel) and was fine. My insecurity and negative thoughts and feelings came because I was told that I was not good enough and pushed away both emotionally and physically. It was pointed out to me over and over what was wrong with me until I started to see it myself and believe that. Even though it isn't happening anymore there is no more than an apology for being a jerk.

""I need to speak about what I feel and when I feel ignored it is ok for me to say so"
I do say something and I get back "oh, come on" like I am blowing it out of proportion or trying to make a problem. After a couple days of it and then me just not even talking anymore I get an apology but then it's a tad late.

So that's where I am at. Clueless.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heidu]

Wouldn't that be great. They don't really do potlucks here either. Weird people but I do stuff American style and they all think it's pretty cool.

I don't even know how to break these things down or which direction to take the steps.....

Thanks for the response.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heidu]

I have my list of my good traits and it pretty much matches up with yours except I would add honest and loyal for sure.

My challenges (negative issues)
Trust- I have dealt with that with the help of these boards the last few weeks and you were a BIG help in me finding out that I do trust myself.
Appearance- I don't know how to do that.
Confidence- know what it is and what it takes to be confident but I just can do it here. I feel like a complete outsider and like I dont belong.
Independance- I am working on reaching out. This post is a big step in itself. I am a Independant/dependant kinda girl. I can do whatever I have to do myself but I want something to fall back on when it gets to tough.

We've talked about making friends and you know I decided I am not gonna try so hard. I will be me and if they want to be around then that is thier choice. I am tired of putting in 110% and getting nothing back except to question myself.

As far as a trip to America. I would like that very much but I can't afford it. I don't even think adjusting would've been so hard here because I am pretty adaptable and I do liek change and challenges but it was not make the slightest bit easy and so I find no joy in being here.

So , there you go.....Not fun to read but I am being honest with how I feel.
Thanks for caring.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[bptoo]

Oh Dear...I've only got two words, and I'll start saving for your plane ticket if you can guess what they are .

Going back to my hole now, but I love you very much, you know that, right?

bp

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work."

[heidu]

Let me guess......get out?

I know you love me Beep. It's a good thing to know.
You know he isn't bad all the time but alot of damage has been done and he doesn't have the maturity or knowledge to make up for anything or be really decent.

Love ya back!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LMo]

I was going to guess a slightly more positive variation of the two words: COME HOME!!!

I'll chip in for the ticket!

Your friend who will purposely dress like a slob to make you look gorgeous in comparison if we go grocery shopping together,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[bptoo]

OMG!!! LMo was right on the money!!! Am I that transparent?

I'll wear a jogging suit to the store and make you both look real good...

bp

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to work."

[heidu]

Lmo,
I have gotta admit to you that every post I have read of yours this evening is making me laugh, like outloud.
Your friend who.....too funny.

Thanks for the offer but it's more than just a ticket. I need a place to go that will feel safe and I don't even own a freakin fork so that's a problem. Getting there is part of the battle and then getting myself back on my feet is a whole nother deal. I am still looking for a way but right now I know that I don't have lots of options. I would really liek to deal with my personal issues so that when I can move on I can make a good start of it again.
Make sense?
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LMo]

Right on! We can have a Frumpy Old Hag Welcome Home Party for Heidu!!!!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[heidu]

Too sweet.
Someone asked me if money wasn't an object where would I go, what would I do. I honestly and truely do not know. I don't feel a sense of belonging. Going "back home" is not something I want to do. It doesn't feel like home and I am really hurt by the people I love. I am ok as long as I am ok. I only miss a friend and my nieces and nephews and I can't build my life around them. I would if I could. I'd scoop em all up and take them with me wherever I go but I can't.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[LMo]

YAY! You're very cute when you laugh!

Your plan makes sense, sure. But are any of us (not just US, I mean people in general) EVER done with their personal issues? Okay, maybe Ghandi was. But sometimes a good way to get over emotional obstacles is to take charge of a situation. Sometimes we can find that we're stronger than we think.

I share with you an example...

About 2 years ago, completely on a whim, I signed up for a sprint triathalon. Mind you, I hadn't dipped even a foot into a swimming pool since I was 10, and I NEVER used to run. I rode my bike a lot, felt like I was in decent shape, but certainly wasn't an athlete by any stretch of the imagination! So on a Tuesday, I bought some girl's registration after seeing it for sale on my favorite website, craigslist.com, and did the triathalon that Sunday. It was wacky! I was the only person there without a wetsuit (and it was in a river in Sacramento, fed by glacial melts from the Sierra Nevadas). I ended up having to compete in the 20-24 year old age group because of the original entrant's age (and I was 32!), I got a late start, so little ole' me was VERY visible since I was swimming by myself, and I did the entire thing doing the backstroke! It was too cold to keep my chest in the water! Then did the bike, did okay with that, then came time for the 5k run, and my legs, by this point, were like jello! But the fearless LMo pressed on! Would NOT be defeated! And I finished in the middle of the rankings! Not bad for someone who didn't train! And I was ELATED!! I was on a high for about a month!

So what's my point? I don't know... I just wanted to tell the story! Just kidding.. there is a point... my point is that if I had trained my butt off, then I would have had this big expectation that I would do well, and if I didn't then I would have been competely disappointed and have felt like I failed and actually I probably would have talked myself out of doing it altogether. But just forging ahead made it exciting, adventurous, and since I had no expectations, I ended up having a spectacular time!

Now, moving away from your adult life is a MUCH HUGER move than doing a stupid triathalon on a Sunday. But I'd think that one could get caught in a rut planning and waiting for the time to be JUST RIGHT. And sweetie - you have SOO many options! Just look at Craigslist.com! You can move in with a roommate that already has the furniture, the kitchen stuff, who can introduce you to some friends, until you get on your feet and can live somewhere by yourself!

Your friend who has plenty of extra forks and who swims one hell of a backstroke with no advance preparation,
LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[kvinneakt]

Hey! Did you know you are now a Grand Poobah!?? Whatever the heck that is, it certainly sounds important.

OK, I am not good with some of the subtleties here.... Are you saying that you are thinking of, or planning on leaving Norway and your husband?? What did I miss? Or a vacation?

This turn I think you have taken has me in a state of bewilderment.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

[heidu]

You make a good point with your story. A year ago I would've been emotionally unable to leave my husband or move but I did what I had to do to get myself to a place where I could deal. I left him, moved out to a temporary place and begged friends and family for help to get back home. I got vitually nothing and ended up having to go back to my husband. There is alot more to me moving than just finding a plane ticket and a fork.
Forging ahead will be a struggle and I am afraid of life in general at this point as I really tried to live it and got smacked down pretty hard. I'm not really caught in a rut planning and waiting for the right moment. The right moment never comes. I am just biding my time and trying to make some use of it while I am doing that.
Congrats on your triathalon! What an acomplishment!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heidu]

I noticed I went to Grandpoobah status today. It means I have rambled on past 1000 posts. How scary is that?

I have been thinking and planning on leaving Norway and my husband for over two years. I just don't talk about it much. Sorry if I bewildered you.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[heidu]

Ok all you crazy kids, I am flossing and brushing and going to bed. Thanks for the responses. I means alot to me.
It's nice to have friends and people who care.
I'll be back tomorrow while you are all sleeping (or should be!)
Hugs to everyone.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Zenobia]

When I say my beauty rests soley on me I mean it. You see I felt that I was not pretty enough. Oh my husband would say I was sexy then he would say that Madonna was a fat cow then I would look at Madona and she was thinner and sexier then I was. The purpose of watching the miss america pagents was to berate all the women on all their flaws and each time he did so I would look at the women and see them as more beautiful then me but he thought they were hideous. This went on for years until I decided to fight it. I refuse to watch pagents and when he calls another woman hideous I point out how she beautiful. That was only the beginning. I started looking at other woman of all shapes and sizes and listened to my own inner comments about how they looked so fat or her nose is so big or her butt is huge and I realize that all these comments were uncalled for AND affected my own self esteem because if I am saying this about them then what am I saying about me. So I would catch myself in my judgements of others and then I would change what I thought. If I really felt someone was too fat I would say to myself why it was too fat as in "It must be hard to get around when your are that big". Slowly I started seeing people not as things but just as people with different issues. Once I was able to do that I started be able to do the same thing with myself. I was 50 pounds overweight at the time and I would stand naked in front of the mirror while I applied oil to my body and said nice things too myself. My legs have carried me a long ways, my breasts fed my kids and enticed my husband, my belly holds in all the things that make life possible and so forth. Finally I didn't care that I was 50 pounds overweight, I dressed in flowing skirts and and felt beautiful in my lace up boots and I didn't give a [censored] what THEY thought when I wore all black or psychedelic colors or stripes and plaid. I loved it. Let them talk who cares, I am beautiful.

Now I am down to a healthy body weight. I run 5 days a week and I wear those clingy stretch pants because they feel good even though I am still thick in the hip and thigh. After my run I go to the store all sticky and sweaty and don't give a rip what the nicely dressed people think because they are judging me on their own standards that quite frankly don't apply to me because I am not them. I am proud of myself and what I accomplished and I know beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and a myriad of colors and layers and if they are too blind to see it then it is their loss and I feel sad for them. I still have my moments of self doubt, where I look in the mirror and see the ugly baby my mom thought I was when I was born but I know it is a lie. Every baby is beautiful and so is every person if given a chance to be. I just turn away from the mirror, turn up the music and dance, what else can be done?

As far as being ignored and saying something. Many times I get ignored by those around me. I say something and it may have no affect. The thing that I refer to is that I will no longer ignore myself. I can tell myself when I hurt and I can make it better. Oh, I am not very good at it yet but I am getting better. It is so much easier though when I really listen to myself and when I don't I tell myself to LISTEN! What is cutting all about? I used to think that I didn't do it to get attention because I wouldn't show anyone and no one ever knew I did it. But that is a lie. I know I do it and what is it for? To relieve stress yes, to make myself feel better yes. But most of all it is to get my attention, to get me to listen. When I start ignoring my needs, my dreams, my aspirations, my truths what do I do? I pull out the blade and I wake myself up, I feel again, I am more real and I am ok. When I am ok, when I know what it is I need then I can stand firm and insist on being heard from others even if it takes an iceage to do it.

Ok, I have talked long enough. It always feels go to reaffirm what it is I am working toward and what it was that I have done. It makes me feel powerful, it makes me feel big, it makes me fell good.
Carrie

PS the salmon was great. I mixed in in with some mayo and mustard then put it on toast. mmmmm.

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[LMo]

You rock, Zenobia - I'm going to re-read this one a few times - super inspiration!!!!!

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}},

I saw this yesterday and was going to reply but couldn't because I lost my internet connection. Then I forgot. Sorry about that, but it's not like I have answers anyway.

How do you move on and get past your problems? I wish somebody would tell me. What do you want to be doing? How do you see yourself if you were who you wanted to be? If you didn't have any of the problems that are holding you back right now, what would you do?

I don't think anyone can answer these questions for you. The answers have to come from you. But when you know where you are going then you can map out your course.

-Wendy

p.s. When are we having the party and watching Miss Congeniality? Any time is good for me except for Friday night my time. If we made it Friday night your time that would be perfect. My husband would be at work and not complaining about having to watch a chick flick, and we would have a great excuse to eat junk food for lunch (or brunch). What do you say?

Have some chocolate? This is my favorite kind:



<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[Peanut61]

Hello my friend. I have read this thread carefully and thru & thru, and I'm coming up empty.

I don't go out in public either, and I've been surprised, (and not in a good way), by my friends responses to the last year and some's events...

I do know that wherever I go, there I will be, so as much as I fantasize about moving to a new town where noone knows me and starting completely over...in reality, I'd still have most of the same old issues to work thru. so might as well start to do it where I am.

My self-esteem got squashed, too... So the one thing I can say is that I think we have a lot in common when it comes to underlying issues, and I think you are really TERRIFIC as I know you know, so that's a positive thing...Still not coming up with anything very inspiring to say...

I care about you, (((((Heidu))))) = that I CAN say for sure! Your friend, Jill aka Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>