[redbucket22]

Why I’m seeking treatment (the problem)

- I genuinely hate people at a core level.

- This creates an amount of constant anxiety which I’ve been treating with a combination of Zoloft (50mg / day) and Klonopin (2mg / day). Klonopin helps greatly with the anxiety, Zoloft helps to calm the racing thoughts I have, and then every once in a while I’ll smoke marijuana because it helps to “rest” my mind.

- I believe the anxiety and hatred are deeply related.

- Either the anxiety is so bad that I start to hate the people I’m with or the hatred is so strong that I become anxious and want to leave. I don’t know which is the precise cause, I can only describe this anxious feeling that I get whenever I’m around people. It’s like I start to get anxious, and then start to despise them. I start findings faults with everything. Particularly little things that are of no consequence, the way someone laughs, how they a common phrase over and over, etc. I understand that logically this behavior is really damaging to life in general. You lose friends, relationships, and end up a long because no one wants to be around you, yet the feeling is so strong that it’s easier to give in and be along, or be an asshole and drive people away. That way I won’t make them miserable and worse yet, they won’t make me miserable.

- This has caused me to become completely detached to my family in almost every respect other than business. I don’t enjoy being around them, and although they respect my intellect, accomplishments, and both parents have strong paternal instincts that help them to love me, they wouldn’t otherwise. Worse yet, I don’t ever find myself reciprocating any affection. I care, but I only show it in the help I do for my dad to help grow his company – as business is my only passion.

- The longer I get to know a person, the more I start to hate them. Not to sound totally ****ing nuts, but I feel like at times I’m an optimist. I really hope that the next person I run into will be different, but they’re not. And I don’t even think that it’s different as in they themselves being a different person. It’s more a hope that my subconscious won’t start the anxiety and the hatred and I can form some kind of bond. This has never really happened, although I continue to try to meet new people when I can and always hope for the best.

- I am fairly intelligent, and can be extremely charismatic and persuasive, especially in the realm of business. I’ve owned and operated 3 companies, and now I work for another and just made partner. I can come across as extremely sincere, but I’ve learned to keep a distance from almost everyone. Especially those who care or confide in me. This enables me to fill in the gaps of their personality with “good” behaviors, which helps me to think more highly of them and eases the interaction.

- I’ve had more girlfriends than most people. My sex drive is very strong, although Zoloft knocks it down quite a bit. The girlfriends I have usually end up hating me. There’s never really a reason why. I speculate that it’s because I develop a hatred of them, just as a bi product of being around them so long. Although I try to cover this up and fake empathy and happiness, I think particularly as women with strong intuitions, they pick up the fact that I despise subconsciously who they are, and start to subconsciously hate me in return to the point where they no longer enjoy my presence, and then the relationship ends.

- I also understand that the best part in life is not stuff, it’s relationships. It’s having a family, a great set of friends. Helping other people and having your best friends help you. Share experiences, like movies, traveling, and all the other stuff that a good relationship is and should be. You can’t interact with “objects” or just live with animals, although for the first time in my life I’ve developed a strong attachment to my dog. With this in mind, I often consider ending my life, but I guess I stick around because I’ve learned to enjoy accumulating more stuff, more power, and really hope that I’ll be able to find some kind of drug that will give me empathy and take away this hatred.

Aside from this, my overall state of mind and the severity of the anxiety and the hatred fluctuate back and forth from not so bad to very severe about six times a year. This lead my first phychiatrist to diagnose me with Bi-Polar disorder.

I’ve recently gotten a new girlfriend who loved the person I pretended to be, and now we’re growing more and more distant. She’s gotten closer to me than anyone else and I’m scared I’m going to lose her. I know so much of this sounds contradictory, but it feels like my mind is pulling me in two totally different directions and driving me absolutely nuts.

I just want a fix. Do I need to talk to a psychologist? I’ve tried that before and got no results; it felt as if that I was so detached and distant from the person that they could not relate in any way. They gave me very generic advice and wanted me to talk about my past as if it’s something I’d never done before. I think about it ALL the time, reanalyzing every moment over and over and over again.

I’ve tried medicating but nothing seems to work all that well.

What can I do?

[Emotionally Dead]

Well, for one, I don't feel like you "hate" these people. You may end up disliking them, but hate is a very strong feeling and by reading your post I do not feel like you really hate anyone. I think that's being a bit too hard on yourself. You seem like a pretty good person with a very strong motivational drive. That leads me to believe you can definitely get over these problems you are having.

I'm not sure what the issue really is. As far as relationships goes it seems like you get bored with the relationship, with the person in the relationship. I can relate to that. I'll be in a relationship and really care for the person and one day I just don't like them anymore. I have no emotional connection with them and I am just bored with it. This leads to a lot of detachment and eventually breakups. That may be something similar to your situation or perhaps not, I am not really sure.

Now, as far as bipolar goes, I can't really say if you have symptoms of it or not. I've only read one thing from you and obviously I have never been around you so I don't know how you get. I don't know how you get when you are "hating". Hate means different things to different people. For all I know you might get really mad and want to physically harm the person, but judging from your post that's not the case. I don't think you are crazy or anything like that, if you were I don't think you would be able to keep a steady job and if you really did hate I think that too would cause you to lose your job.

So the first thing you need to do is to not beat yourself up over this. There's a lot of weird mental issues we all have and some of them are very common and some of them aren't as common. We can't help how we feel though. My first thought would be if there's any particular tragic event that has caused you to be this way. Also, when is the first time you can remember first having these feelings? If you could think about that for a moment and figure it out it might be able to help you find the trigger for this. To find out what caused this feeling to begin with, because I do think SOMETHING has caused it. That's the first thing you need to do. Tell yourself there isn't anything wrong with you that no one else has, and don't beat yourself up over it. Don't tell yourself you hate these people, or everyone, tell yourself you just don't like the things they do. That's the first step.

I'm not a psychiatrist and I can't tell you if you need to go see one or not. Yes you have been to them before, but it appears you have good money so you really should try to find one that specializes in what you're dealing with. I don't think going to some ordinary psychiatrist is going to help. I would read up on the symptoms you have, find someone who specializes in it, and go see them. They can help you a lot more than I can. I think that some of the things you are going through are things you can one day control, and maybe you just need a shove of help to do so. Someone to help you through it and give you a head start so you aren't doing it all alone. I think in time you will get over what you're feeling right now, just keep posting here to us and let us know your progress. I have faith that you can get through it. Wish you the best of luck.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, redbucket. read your public profile and your post here. first thought i had was if you want to get a better understanding of all that concerns you that therapy may be a constructive start for solutions in my humble opinion. i have found cognitive behavioral therapy, CBT, helped me the most. i also found that a phd psychologist was a good match for me. lastly the success of my therapy landed squarely on my shoulders...what efforts i put into it, the greater the positive result. if i was not active in my own therapy the result was nil.
sounds like there are enough concerns that you have to keep you busy. therapy is hard work but for me it gave me a clearer understanding of who i am, coupled with better coping skills and resolution on things that troubled me.
i'm curious, what is it you don't like about yourself? your outward hatred towards others could be coming from within.i read your primary concern in your profile. that sounds serious to me. getting help may be the most urgent thing you do right now. i encourage you to do that.
i'm hoping your post was sincere.....we care about each other here and try to be suportive.
see you around the forums.

[lonegael]

HI redbucket! Welcome! I read your post and I thought of a conversation I had with my father-in-law who basically said what you said. He wasn't sure if he hated people and it made him anxious or if he was scared of people and he hated what he ws afraid of. Hey, I admit. People can be really scarey.
I hope that you might be able to talk through some of this here with us. In my case, you don't have to even like me, as long as you fel like you can talk to me and get something out of it, I'm here, and I think there are probably a lot others like me here.
Hope to hear from you again some time!

[RyuB]

as well as bipolar and anxiety attacks, i have serious depression, which is now under perfect control.

i found as we tried different depression medications, sometimes the hatred would well up. i would visualize and daydream about shooting everyone i had worked with with a rifle (and other nasty things), as we were driving down the street i'd make a gun with my fingers and shoot everyone that passed.

i'm not absolutely certain, but it seemed to me the conditions happened to to depression rather than bipolar. but i could be totally wrong. bipolar has depression too, so you need to get checked for both

[VickiesPath]

You sound like me. I'm 58. I lived 50 years before I discovered that my outward dislike of people in general was because of my inward dislike of myself.

Sounds simple? It's not. It's very complicated. Hope this helps.

[KathyM]

Hi Redbucket, and welcome to the forum.

I agree with Vickie. It sounds more like a dislike of yourself than a dislike of others. It's hard to love others when you don't love yourself. It's hard to feel safe and secure around others when you don't feel safe and secure about yourself.

You are fine at work because you excel in business matters. As a human being, you see yourself as a failure.

Maybe you can work on accepting and appreciating your own faults and quirks. We all have them. Once you've mastered this, you can work on accepting and appreciating the faults and quirks of others. Life would be extremely boring if we were all exactly alike - learn to love the good, bad and ugly in both yourself and in others.

I wish you the best.

[chipur]

Originally Posted by redbucket22

Why I’m seeking treatment (the problem)

- I genuinely hate people at a core level.

- This creates an amount of constant anxiety which I’ve been treating with a combination of Zoloft (50mg / day) and Klonopin (2mg / day). Klonopin helps greatly with the anxiety, Zoloft helps to calm the racing thoughts I have, and then every once in a while I’ll smoke marijuana because it helps to “rest” my mind.

- I believe the anxiety and hatred are deeply related.

- Either the anxiety is so bad that I start to hate the people I’m with or the hatred is so strong that I become anxious and want to leave. I don’t know which is the precise cause, I can only describe this anxious feeling that I get whenever I’m around people. It’s like I start to get anxious, and then start to despise them. I start findings faults with everything. Particularly little things that are of no consequence, the way someone laughs, how they a common phrase over and over, etc. I understand that logically this behavior is really damaging to life in general. You lose friends, relationships, and end up a long because no one wants to be around you, yet the feeling is so strong that it’s easier to give in and be along, or be an asshole and drive people away. That way I won’t make them miserable and worse yet, they won’t make me miserable.

- This has caused me to become completely detached to my family in almost every respect other than business. I don’t enjoy being around them, and although they respect my intellect, accomplishments, and both parents have strong paternal instincts that help them to love me, they wouldn’t otherwise. Worse yet, I don’t ever find myself reciprocating any affection. I care, but I only show it in the help I do for my dad to help grow his company – as business is my only passion.

- The longer I get to know a person, the more I start to hate them. Not to sound totally ****ing nuts, but I feel like at times I’m an optimist. I really hope that the next person I run into will be different, but they’re not. And I don’t even think that it’s different as in they themselves being a different person. It’s more a hope that my subconscious won’t start the anxiety and the hatred and I can form some kind of bond. This has never really happened, although I continue to try to meet new people when I can and always hope for the best.

- I am fairly intelligent, and can be extremely charismatic and persuasive, especially in the realm of business. I’ve owned and operated 3 companies, and now I work for another and just made partner. I can come across as extremely sincere, but I’ve learned to keep a distance from almost everyone. Especially those who care or confide in me. This enables me to fill in the gaps of their personality with “good” behaviors, which helps me to think more highly of them and eases the interaction.

- I’ve had more girlfriends than most people. My sex drive is very strong, although Zoloft knocks it down quite a bit. The girlfriends I have usually end up hating me. There’s never really a reason why. I speculate that it’s because I develop a hatred of them, just as a bi product of being around them so long. Although I try to cover this up and fake empathy and happiness, I think particularly as women with strong intuitions, they pick up the fact that I despise subconsciously who they are, and start to subconsciously hate me in return to the point where they no longer enjoy my presence, and then the relationship ends.

- I also understand that the best part in life is not stuff, it’s relationships. It’s having a family, a great set of friends. Helping other people and having your best friends help you. Share experiences, like movies, traveling, and all the other stuff that a good relationship is and should be. You can’t interact with “objects” or just live with animals, although for the first time in my life I’ve developed a strong attachment to my dog. With this in mind, I often consider ending my life, but I guess I stick around because I’ve learned to enjoy accumulating more stuff, more power, and really hope that I’ll be able to find some kind of drug that will give me empathy and take away this hatred.

Aside from this, my overall state of mind and the severity of the anxiety and the hatred fluctuate back and forth from not so bad to very severe about six times a year. This lead my first phychiatrist to diagnose me with Bi-Polar disorder.

I’ve recently gotten a new girlfriend who loved the person I pretended to be, and now we’re growing more and more distant. She’s gotten closer to me than anyone else and I’m scared I’m going to lose her. I know so much of this sounds contradictory, but it feels like my mind is pulling me in two totally different directions and driving me absolutely nuts.

I just want a fix. Do I need to talk to a psychologist? I’ve tried that before and got no results; it felt as if that I was so detached and distant from the person that they could not relate in any way. They gave me very generic advice and wanted me to talk about my past as if it’s something I’d never done before. I think about it ALL the time, reanalyzing every moment over and over and over again.

I’ve tried medicating but nothing seems to work all that well.

What can I do?

First of all, thanks for being so open and honest. Many wouldn't have offered up what you did.

You say your hatred of people generates anxiety, for which you take Zoloft and Klonopin. My first thought was what you're really dealing with is agitation, not anxiety. Big diff.

No doubt, the Klonopin and weed would calm you down; however, I don't think the Zoloft is doing anything for your racing mind. As a matter of fact it may be making your situation worse. Antidepressants in the absence of a mood stabilizer can throw one into a hypomania or mania.

You mentioned your first psychiatrist diagnosed you as bipolar, and you describe what sure sounds like mood cycling. Again, you also say you have racing thoughts.

What to do? Well, you're not going to "fix" this quickly. Sorry. I believe working with a therapist and psychiatrist would be the way to go. The therapist can help you with self-management, while the psychiatrist can work with you on the meds.

I know you said therapy didn't work for you in the past, but it sounds as though you've gained some insight into your situation and really want to turn things around. That can make a huge difference in therapy outcome.

[donut]

Sounds like a very lonely life. I think some therapy would be very useful for you...perhaps group therapy?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by redbucket22

Why I’m seeking treatment (the problem)

- I genuinely hate people at a core level.

- This creates an amount of constant anxiety which I’ve been treating with a combination of Zoloft (50mg / day) and Klonopin (2mg / day). Klonopin helps greatly with the anxiety, Zoloft helps to calm the racing thoughts I have, and then every once in a while I’ll smoke marijuana because it helps to “rest” my mind.

I’ve tried medicating but nothing seems to work all that well.

What can I do?

Hello redbucket,

This must have caused a lot of havoc for you and added to your anxiety quite a bit. And trying to navigate your way through it all these years must have been difficult for you.

May I ask please is there any particular meaning to the words "which I’ve been treating"? This indicates that you have prescribed these medications for yourself. I just want to be very clear in my understanding of your words
(being obsessive compulsive causes all sorts of trouble for me), and have the right understanding.You then say

"I’ve tried medicating but nothing seems to work all that well."

This also indicates (to my mind ) self medication or self prescribing. Not that it matters for any given point or reason other than an understanding about how some different medications work or do not work on particular issues, diagnosis/diagnoses, and for different people. Using marajiuana can also be a form of self medication too, which you also mentioned.

You are very candid in your comments and that is commendable; truth is the first route to healing, and though for some not found until they have been around the table a few times (for no other reason than they did not know what the actual truth was in their particular case), it is what sets them free.

I hope you do search out a psychologist, they have the grounding and ability to help in many ways and they are patient focused with depth & tools needed to correct the more difficult cases; since you have tried other routes with no success, this may be the way for you to go,

Rhiannon

[saywhat?]

Redbucket,
I read your post...we have alot in common. T

The biggest difference I noted was: my issue isn't hatred, it's trust. So everytime you wrote hate, exchange that with distrust and there you go. I isolate myself to the point of despair, although I'm married (why he sticks around, only God knows!) and have a 12 year old son.

I've been severely depressed since about 2005. Since then I have been on several different anti-depressants with no improvement. I sought out a psychiatrist and she's given me the good ole Bipolar diagnosis, so I'm now taking a mood stabilizer in addition to the anti-depressants. Still, no notable improvement. I've always had OCD to a mild degree, and that small amount of anxiety worked for me, kept me moving and working (and cleaning), but also in 2005, the anxiety spiked and has been unbearable since then.

I don't trust anyone. Not my mother, siblings, husband, co-workers and so on. This makes me hold everyone at a good distance from the real me. This in turn leads to everyone irritating me in some way or another, then my wanting to get away from them or "escape" however I can. The anxiety and severe depression together has slowly eroded my ability to function. I hated being around others to the point of losing my job a few weeks ago,due to excessive absences. I had been at that job for 10 years and had once been in a managerial role, but was demoted when my absences suddenly increased as everything fell apart around me. I hung on there, despite being completely humiliated after the demotion, but the absences kept piling up and I was given the opportunity to resign or be fired a few weeks ago. I resigned.

The point of me saying all that is so that I could get to here:

Since about July, I have been having suicidal thoughts. I held tightly to my facade of normalcy to the point of losing my job. Since then, I have gone farther down than I ever have before and was close to being hospitalized (and probably would have been if I'd told my therapist/pdoc the WHOLE truth). I had a complete breakdown, and when I couldn't cry anymore and hadn't eaten or showered for DAYS, I finally got up, got in the shower and found a therapist in my area via generic internet search.

I found a new therapist, by luck I suppose, that is a 100% improvement over the other therapists I've had in the past, and I've had several in the past 5 years. I had ONE session with her and she did more for me than anyone has before.

That first day in session, she referred me to a local psych hospital and got me into an intensive day program that includes ALOT of group therapy, one on one therapy and psychiatrist visits twice a week for med management. I've been going there everyday from 9am til 3pm and it feels like a job, but at least it gets me OUT of my bed and OUT of my house for a period of time, and into an environment where I can say what's in my head without anyone judging me.

I will say, I haven't made it every single day since I started, because I still give into the isolation. But on the days I've made it out of bed and into the shower, I can truly say I feel *better*. In three weeks, I've sat through hours and hours of group CBT, which is more like taking a course in human behavior. I have rolled my eyes waaaay more than once at the theories that are being taught. I also still do not trust a single soul, but I still go.

It's kind of like having a family (the group) that is as messed up, or worse, than I am. And talking to people that have had similar experiences is beyond encouraging. I still want to hide/escape in general and still picking fights with the hubby to allow me to isolate at home, but for a few hours during the day, I take my focus off of ME and listen to others talk about their problems, and it's like a vacation for my brain.

My personal opinion is that some people are broken or warped, either in spirit, soul or heart, and no amount of talking/positive thinking will change that. I know alot of folks here will say you can heal all wounds with enough time and hard work on yourself, but I hope for those folks, we can peacefully agree to disagree.

Redbucket, find a new therapist, a new psychiatrist....a fresh start. You might find someone good and you might not. Keep trying. If not for you, then for your family. I once heard that suicide is THE most selfish thing a person can do. Food for thought.

And sorry for the uber-long post, I guess I had alot to say. The OP hit me hard.

[John Park]

My wife is bi-polar and she has those moments herself. She will curse, be mean and nasty to both me and my daughter and we both know that it isn't really her. It seems as though Geodon and seroquel help control it. Try getting checked out for bi-polar as it can cause mood swings.

[little*rhino]

heya....welcome

well... i dont really see hatred either, but i'll take you at your word for that... and i'll tell you that all hatred is born of fear and not the other way around. Whatever causes hatred will be traced back to a fear somehow

from what you describe my first thought is that it may be an elaborate way to create self fulfilling prophecies.... push people away to prove they wont stay, or to cause them to dislike you to prove you are rotten, or some other variation... see what i mean?

you seem to have no trouble attracting people but have come to the conclusion it's because you fake it... maybe... maybe not. What if the real you is more of what you project when attracting people than you believe? what if the real you isn't so heartless and cold or whatever other terrible thing?

i dont think most of what you describe really needs meds at all long term... but a psychologist? YES... yes... run, don't walk... get an actual psychologist though (here they can be PhD or MSc... just dont get LSW or whatever)

you need to understand the unconscious or semiconscious thought patterns and the connections that underlie what you are doing/thinking... figure that out and you may be surprised

peace

[wing]

The fact that you are afraid you are going to lose your girlfriend sounds like a watershed to me. The rest of your post makes it sound like you've been living a lonely life but not too uncomfortable with it. Maybe you're having a personal breakthrough of sorts, fueled by the knowledge that you do care for and want to be attached to someone.
I agree that now is a good time to start therapy. Maybe talking about this relationship issue will help you become comfortable enough to deal with the others you have delineated.

[Popskid]

Just from your brief description of the problem, what I seem to hear from you is that you have difficulty seeing people as being both good and bad. Sort of a problem with black and white thinking. If a person isn't perfect then they are intolerably flawed.

Recognizing that there is a problem and wanting to change it is the first and most important part. Keep working for it and you can achieve your goal of having satisfying intimate relationships in time. Welcome to PC!

I, also, could not tolerate examining my past in therapy. Therapy did not help me at all until I found someone who was willing to work with helping me change my thought processes about present situations. You can find therapists who have a more CBT/supportive therapy style if traditional therapy styles don't work for you. Keep trying- for me it was very worth it.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

popdskid



.

[hippiebea]

its often a hit or miss thing with finding a therapist that "fits" i've been through many over the years and have only found two who i really related to & who i felt related 2 me!!! keep trying! there is someone out there for you!! and the journey although often times frustrating, can be quite rewarding!

[ana_rdh]

I Have to say You really need help. You can not do it on your own. Medication wont help. Medication is only a temporary solution that comes with great risks long term.
Try meditating. Learn how to meditate Yoga will help. I think you need to travel. You need to experience different things meet different people. In some aspects i think like you. I hate people that are fake and sometimes i feel like everyone is the same/ Your problem is that your job is related to this fake behaviour. You need to meet genuine people. I have traveled a lot and i find North American society a close minded one. Just so cold.. You have to keep distance from people otherwise they will think you are crazy

[little*rhino]

just to clarify here... no one can or should tell someone to take or not take medications. We aren't qualified and even if we had the appropriate training, no one can tell what you need medically from one post. I don't happen to take meds.. I am not exactly "anti-med" but I think they are often over-prescribed. Taking meds is a big physical shift and if I had everything back to do over I would want to be very sure that I needed them before going on them. Bottom line though is go and talk to a professional and get a proper opinion on that part.