[Rapunzel]

Reposting here from my website because I'm likely to get more feedback here. My website isn't as interactive as I would like it to be.


I've been trying to keep it positive here, and lately the result is that I don't talk about much of the stuff that is actually happening in my life. I don't know why I'm doing that. Maybe I think that you don't want to read about all the stuff that isn't positive (but then, people keep watching the news so maybe there are some holes in that theory). And there is also the possibility that you wouldn't believe me anyway if I really told you everything that has happened within just a few months.


I think that maybe it started back in May when I started getting to attend trainings and workshops and classes through my Head Start job. I enjoy learning and being in class and having the opportunity to hear new ideas and talk to people about my ideas, so that was really cool. Some of the workshops and trainings were out of town. There was one in Salt Lake City, and another in Westminster, Colorado. You know what? I found out that I like travelling too. Being out of town at a workshop was a chance to either meet up with people I know whom I don't get to see very often, and also to meet new people. And it was a vacation from the regular grind at home. I've been experiencing burn-out with one of my jobs, probably since around April. I had gotten past the level where I was comfortable with what I do, and needed more challenge, more responsibility, and more recognition of my potential to do more. But nothing changed even though I asked about promotions to other positions and was told that I was being considered. To be honest, I was offered a full-time position on salary there and it would have been M-F 8-4. But it was a secretarial job and that isn't what I want to do, and it also would have meant giving up Head Start. I have had two employers in my life that respected me and acted like they appreciated me. Head Start is one of them, and I was not willing to give that up. Anyway, I noticed that I could function normally at everything, as long as I got away from it, meaning out of town, for at least half a week every other week or so. But alas, I don't get to go away that often, and I don't think that needing a vacation quite that much in order to be able to function is a very good sign.


My plans have always included continuing my education, so where this took me was the realization that that is something I need to get with and do something about. Recognizing the difficulty of commuting to even the nearest psychology doctoral programs, even if I did manage to be accepted, and that after going though the application for admission process and waiting for an answer and for the new year to begin, the soonest that I could even start would be Fall 2006, I started looking into other possibilities. These other possibilities included distance and online program, and I found the one that I am starting now at the University of Phoenix. I still might apply to doctoral programs, but I'm not sure that I could handle waiting and stagnating for another year before being able to start on something, so I'm glad that this program is here, and accepted me.

So far it sounds like mostly good things, right? This is where the message from the universe suspicions come in.

In July, my husband, had a heart attack. It was the day after I had come back from being out of town somewhere, so I was available to take him to the hospital, and he has come through it well. But our copays added up to $2500, the maximum that we can be required to pay in medical expenses for one person, and then the year for that started over, and followup and medications and things will continue to add up through this year.

In August I was assaulted by one of the girls at work, and I missed two weeks of work because of it. I never was really good at remembering names, but my memory has been worse since the head injury. When I came back, I had no memory of new girls or staff who had started soon before I left, and it's hard to keep straight who is who, not only at work. I had mixed feelings about going back there. Once I had started to feel better, I enjoyed having a little bit of time on my hands. I can't say that I was afraid to go back to work, but I had a vague feeling of dread about being there, and even recently I wake up in the morning on days when I have to go to that job (even if not until afternoon or even night) already dreading it and even sometimes ready to cry. More recently, I asked about the possibility of promotions or raises, and was told that not only did I always seem stressed, but also I was too old for teenage girls to build relationships with, and I ought to find another job.

Then there were the car problems. First I went out to start my truck to go to work, and it threw a rod. That truck is too old to be worth putting another engine in, so it's dead. We were starting to get used to sharing the van as our only vehicle, when on the way home that night that I had been told I was too old to work with adolescents, I was upset and distracted, didn't see a stopsign, and wrecked the van. It was totaled, and we only had liability. I was the only one injured in the accident, and I just had to get stitches where my teeth went all the way through my lower lip. We maxed out the credit card to get a used car that would get us around (I was excited that it got great gas mileage!), and on the way to class in St. George yesterday it broke down and was pouring out transmission fluid all over the road. Back to no vehicles again.

Other miscelaneous things from the last couple of months include that my grandfather died (I have been meaning to post some of the pictures and things that he and my granmother sent Jonathan for his Flat Stanley project, and I just haven't quite gotten there yet), Jonathan put beads in his ear and got them stuck and didn't tell us until a month later after it was infected, Carol decided to cut her own hair (she made bangs - they are not even and already too short so not much can be done to fix it, but she thinks it looks good), Tiger disappeared, one of the neighborhood feral cats showed up on our front porch injured and gangrenous and we had to take him to be put to sleep, not to mention little things like the washing machine breaking down and most of our plumbing turning up with problems. I'm probably forgetting something.

Sorry about all the venting - I guess I'm hoping that maybe if I acknowlege all this stuff, that can be all of it and it can stop now.

I'm just wondering if the universe is trying to deliver some huge message that we are too dense to pick up on. Like, maybe, I'm wrong to try to go back to school again. Maybe I ought to just stay home and not try to go anywhere. I wouldn't be happy that way, but if I stick my nose out the door, something is going to slap it back. What do you think?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I don't think the universe is trying to tell you not to go to school ...maybe its telling you go to school because all this has happened...I cannot imagine the universe telling anyone not to improve....Thats just my opinion ...I am also so sorry for all the crap you have had happen

[Rapunzel]

Thanks. I hope that isn't the message - but I guess I feel guilty for wanting something for myself, and it's hard to be okay with it anyway, and all this just makes it all worse.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Maybe by knowing why you feel guilty is the key?????

[(JD)]

(((rap))) I'm sorry if I have anything to do with your not posting here, like you need to.

I don't think the universe speaks that way... you know?

I think it was great that your husband didn't have his heart attack until right after you arrived home!
I remember the incident with the girl in your work... and thought that THAT was HER trial, and for HER future. Did that not turn out as we expected???
I know you are working always towards continuing education.. and that online is the way to go for the timebeing.. because you want to be active in this.
Medical problems happen. Waiting for life to give you a clean plate is like waiting till you can afford children before you have them.

Don't read into these things, try and keep the positive going, and see the possibilities ahead. Use your noggin to work these things out. I do think the Universe gives us more and more difficult tasks as we are ready. This means, you are growing, and "ready" for the advanced life processes?

TC

[kimmydawn]

rap, i read that and felt so overwhelmed. i can't imagine what it's been like for you.

my second thought? yes, you've lost things, you're having a hard time, etc. however, YOU, your husband and family are safe and maintaining. you and hubby have been thru scary things and are right here to tell about them!

you are going to do this, friend. not only are you going to do it, you're going to do it so well because you've faught so damned hard for it!

((((((((((((((((rap)))))))))))))))

kd

[cms39]

I am very bad at giving advice. I know because my sister hung up on me when I was trying to cheer her up. (I don't know why I once considered being a counselor). But my thoughts are with you. Hugs and better times ahead.

[Fuzzybear]

I wish I had some advice but today I don't

(((((((((((((((((((Rap))))))))))))))))))))))

[ozzie]

Rap, imo the universe or whatever, is trying to tell you that you are wanting too much all at once. It reminds me of the old saying, "wanting to have your cake and eat it too".....or maybe just having unrealistic expectations about some things such as the traveling every week or so.
It also sounds to me like you feel a lot of guilt about some of the choices you have made.

[Rapunzel]

There is a lot behind why I feel guilty. I can find several possible reasons, such as that I'm caught in my mother's "spider web" and it was never okay with her for me to be successful or do things. I was just supposed to stay home and not get in the way and not bother anybody. There might be something to that. It feels really selfish to want to do things for myself.

[Rapunzel]

(((Sky)))

Not posting here has more to do with me than anyone else. I've felt like I shouldn't post about things I'm not handling well because I ought to be a good example, and also I ought to be able to handle things on my own, ... I was also afraid of being a bad example by posting about the wrong things, like other parts of the story that I left out, but that was mostly later.

If all this stuff means that I'm growing, I've had about enough growth for a while and could use a break. But I hope I can get through it, and I can see how if I could make it through this maybe other stuff wouldn't be so hard anymore.

TC too.

[Rapunzel]

(((((((Kimmy)))))))

Your confidence in me is much appreciated.

[Rapunzel]

CMS, thanks so much for the thoughts and hugs. Even when we sound like we're asking for advice, it helps just to be heard and cared about.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))))

I'll take a good bearhug. That's as good as any advice. Thanks for being a friend.

[tlspot7]

you have had some bad things happen lately, but things will get better for you, look at them as making you a stronger person you are learning from all this you will make it threw the tuff times. It doesn't always seem so but you do. I wish the best for you and hope that things will get better.

[Rapunzel]

Susan,

I'm really not sure how to respond to your comments. I think that you would agree with my mother and my sister who told me when I was growing up that I was just selfish and shouldn't bother people and I was wrong to want to try anything. I've been trying to get away from that stuff, and to find out who I am and reach for some of the opportunities that I thought were closed to me. I do feel guilty for wanting to spend time on something that I like, and I also feel guilty for wanting to cut my work hours and for not being home enough. I don't actually expect to travel that often - I was just saying that when I did get away I felt better and could function, although I don't think that running away from anything helps anybody long-tem, and it bothers me that I feel like I need to be away so much. I feel guilty for getting married and starting a family when I wasn't ready, but I didn't see any other options then. I feel guilty for owing so much on student loans and it's all for nothing. And I feel bad for wanting to be worth something. I'm wondering if I'm supposed to go back to being trapped at hom and not being able to go anywhere or do anything, and I know that I can't handle that. Before, it got to the point where I couldn't function anymore and I just wanted to die. Having a goal to go on with my education has been the thing that keeps me moving. And maybe it shouldn't be, and I really have no right to want that. Maybe I really am worthless, and shouldn't ask for anything.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Think about that guilt more and maybe ask yourself if you AGREE with mom...or if you want to punish you for something. I think you deserve the best and can do it. Do you?

hugs

[Rapunzel]

Thank-you. I hope that you are right.

[Rapunzel]

Logically I don't agree with mom, but I can't break free of it either. I don't generally feel like I deserve anything. I guess I feel like punishing myself for not being good enough, and for wanting things that I don't deserve.

(((((hugs)))))))

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Sweetie you do deserve them....Do you have a T to help you maybe erase some of those tapes mom put in your head? You are very bright and have had a hard go of it....What would you tell me if I had posted your posts? I know you know you do deserve this somewhere deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeep down...why do I know this? BECAUSE YOU HAVE ASKED and didn't just accept that crap as fact

HUGS

[misty]

(((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))) I hate the times it is so hard to grasp hold of any self worth and the negative messages come crashing in and it feels like the universe itself is working aginst what energy we have left to mustar up to just survive. Those times stink for sure!
Most times sh#t happens, and when it rains it pours. yuk!
Here is a hand my friend (holding out hand) to be here to help you stand if you like and to let you know "You deserve to be happy, to do what makes you truely happy and you deserve the sunshine of the universe and all that is good. Yes, yes you do!!!!!"

larks

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((larks))))))))))))

Thank-you. It's just so hard to believe that I deserve anything. I mean, who am I? I can use a hand to hold.

[Rapunzel]

I do have a T, and she helps a lot. I guess we're more at the point of discovering those tapes right now though than erasing them. I'm wondering if I'll even be able to get to my appointment this week. Mostly we work by email since she's 3 1/2 hours away, and I've only seen her four times in person. Right now she's on vacation.

If you had posted what I did, I would say that you do deserve to be happy, and I would say to hang in there - it won't always be this way. It's so much easier to say it than to believe it though.

I guess that at some level I do feel like it's reasonable to want the things that I do, but if I admit that then guilt kicks in and I question why I feel entitled to things that aren't mine, and why I can't just be satisfied with what I have. I spent eight years hating the tiny house that we lived in before we moved here, when before we got that house all I asked for was a place where we could keep the animals. Now we have a house that is big enough for us, and still have animals, but I don't have the energy to take care of the animals - the kids do it these days, and the house payments are rediculous, (it isn't that much of a house even - just a manufactured home with plenty of its own problems). And I did finish my bachelor's degree, but that's useless by itself, and we just keep getting more debt. It just seems like whatever I get, I keep wanting more, and I probably do want too much.

[ozzie]

I think the guilt and other negative things kick in because you are stuck in the web that your mom made. I don't agree with what your mother said and did to you. We've talked before about the web and how it would be so great if you could get out of it.

IMO you will always feel the guilt, blame others and want for more until you get yourself out of that web. I've always heard that we can't be well until we stop blaming our parents for our behavior.

It's been my experience that a person can communicate to another pages of explanations, advice, suggestions, etc. If within those pages one word triggers the person then that's all they are able to hear. With one of my sisters that one word is 'victim'. I wonder if your trigger word is 'worthless' due to your mothers web. If so, maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is work hard to get out of the web. I don't think you want to go thru life blaming others who happen to use the word worthless.

[Fuzzybear]

A "doctor" wrote in my notes "blames all her "%#@&#!" on the past" grrrrrr and I didn't even say anything of the sort.

But HOW do we stop "blaming" parents and others who have abused us?


Fuzzy