[SeptemberMorn]

Been wishing there was a forum for limited self-pity... but since there's not, although this could go in Relationships, I'm going to post here.

Been wrestling with myself about whether to post or not, but seems I'm worrying a lot of people and not giving enough information. Here goes... bear with me.

About a month or so ago, I lost my primary insurance because the man I'm married to (don't feel like giving him the honor of "Husband" right now) didn't pay for it. We're without till January. We're both without medical care AND without our anti-depressants.

Since that time, my granddaughter had a birthday. Her parents are even more broke than I am so I offered to make the cake. My granddaughter later called and asked me to make her a "strawberry Barbie cake." Said I would, kept my promise.

Her parents apparently didn't trust me to do a good job. The "other grandma" bought one. However, I had spent money on a mold and several mixes (in case of failure), prepared rolled fondant icing, flower cutters, fresh strawberries, etc. Wound up spending close to $100.

I was asked by her parents to come early and finish the cake there. We didn't arrive until after the party started but I don't drive! "He" was driving, also playing on the computer after the time we should have left. *I* got the "blame" for being late and not having the cake finished.

When we got to the party, my granddaughter met me at the door of the RV (that we had taken for a smoother ride for the cake) and said that her grandma had made her a cake. Can't remember how she phrased not wanting or needing the one I made.

I raised my voice in pain and surprise but NEVER yelled AT her! I asked WHY, asked her to look at her Barbie but she wouldn't even do that. She just kept saying that her grandma had MADE her her cake.

I was LIVID but NOT with my granddaughter. I, in a very loud voice, told my husband and son what had just happened and expressed my upset. Hubby wanted to just come back home. We stayed and I finished the cake. Never saw the one that the "grandma" was supposed to have "made." I was told it was a simple, store bought one.

My granddaughter was sick that day, so I attributed her lack of affection with me to that. She would hardly let me touch her or cuddle when hubby took a picture of her and I with the "blankie" I had made her... at HER request last August. She wouldn't kiss me good-bye. Ok... I don't force anything from anyone.

The next day, I realized that I should have NOT been as expressive with my surprise about the cake, so I expressly called Autumn and told her I had been wrong in raising my voice in her precense, I was terribly sorry and would she please forgive me. She said "Yes."

The next Saturday, hubby was told by Autumn's mother that Autumn didn't want me at her soccer game because I had yelled at her on her birthday. I tried to call my DIL right back but she didn't answer her phone.

I've tried to communicate with my son but he won't accept my emails or phone calls. He spent the biggest part of the day here last week and never said one single word to me. That's fine. I didn't want to talk to him either, because:

he's accused me of verbally attacking his daughter
causing problems between him and his wife
coming between him and his dad
making his dad chose between his granddaughter and I (Jerry didn't go to the soccer game, either, because "if you're not welcome, then neither am I") Last week, Jerry changed his mind and will be going to the game this Saturday. Didn't ask if I wanted to go with him or not.

Yesterday, I went to the County Mental Health Clinic to see if I could be put back on Celexa somehow. I was told it would be TWO months before I could see a doctor.

Last night, Jerry (hubby) told me he was tired of the fighting between DIL and I and was ready to just move to Las Vegas so he wouldn't have to deal with any of it.

This morning I told him how utterly rediculous everything had gotten, IMO. Mentioned that I should have thrown the cake out the door and let the dogs eat it, that everything had gotten blown up so out of proportion it was unreal.

He STILL hasn't heard my requests for two very small adjustments to some drawers so I can begin to put my clothes and crafts away in my room. Instead, he's putting shelves up in his room so he can display his CA Raisins, Fractured Fairy Tales characters and various and sundry toys in HIS room.

There is STILL no tub or shower in the bathroom. There is STILL no sidewalk next to the house so I can drive my power chair up or down the ramp... as in "in and out of the house"... "some freedom and independence."

In my "SHEEEESH" thread... it was just me being emotional because of my lack of anti-depressants. Not to worry, anyone.

So there you have it. Hope it wasn't too long.

[jbug]

(((((((((((septmorn))))))))))))) Sounds like things aren't going so good for you now. I hope things start to look up for you and I'm thinking for you.

Jbug

[Ryan]

((((((((((Tomi))))))))))

I'm sorry that all this is happening to you dear. None of this seems right if you ask me. I sure hope things start to look better soon. Take care right now and PM me if you need to. Much love.

Ry

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((sept))))))))))))))))))))))) i FELT the hurt and disappointment, as well as regret, in your post.

I don't blame you one bit for feeling so badly. Almost every area of your life is upset in some way. Hopefully, one thing at a time, you'll see some results and resolution.

First, I think is your "freedom". Do you have any close friends who have sons or friends who can get you mobile there in the new place? I would ask. It might light the fire that hubby needs lit. I know when I've asked hubby here to do things that he hasn't, but could easily do, I've talked about asking someone else or hiring it out. He usually gets ticked, but boy does he move on it.

Please explain to the CMH that you've been without for quite some time and that if they have a cancellation to call you. I know that they tell ppl here that and sometimes call them back the next week!

Also, I hope the family heals quickly.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

kd

[Beautiful_Pain]

<font color="purple">
{{{{{{{{{{Sept}}}}}}}}}}

Tomi, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are a wonderfully warm, caring person. I hope those in your life realize how this hurt /you/ and that is why you reacted shocked. I hope things get worked out, somehow. I will be thinking of you
</font>

[CedarS]

(((((((((((September))))))))))))

[LMo]

Tomi - can I give you my honest opinion about this situation? I'm warning you that it's direct. If yes, do you want it here on the board or in PM? I'll be saying it out of love, not critcism.

((( Tomi )))

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jannie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you, Hun. Much appreciated.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Ryan}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I love that you have affirmed my feelings. Thank you ever so much. Be careful what you ask for, though.

[SeptemberMorn]

Thanks {{{{{{{{{{Kimmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, there is a neighbor who has offered to help in getting the cement and finishing it. Only thing is, it won't be for another two weeks. Trying to be patient here and biting my lip every time I have to access the street through my neighbor's driveway... It's beginning to "bleed."

The family thing... it's just not gonna go away. My DIL thrives in manipulating people and "my baby" is buying into all that garbage. That HURTS like the very devil!! HURTS! HURTS! HURTS! They are the parents of my only granddaughter.

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You are a wonderfully warm, caring person

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Only answer I have for your statement is:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm certainly no prophet but I am without honor among my relatives and family. Only place I get it is here from people like you, Sweety. Thank you!

Something I told Jerry last night was "No one has asked ME how I feel." Could be that no one in my family cares, eh?

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you, Hun.

[SeptemberMorn]

Why do I get the feeling this is going to hurt?

"Shoot, Luke, or give up your shooter." Go for it, in other words... right here. I'm always open to constructive critisizm.

[LMo]

Ok. But if I say ANYTHING that either hurts or offends you, PLEASE PM me immediately and I'll edit. Ok?

-----


The person that I'm the most annoyed at in this situation is Jerry, I have to say.

Can I make an attempt to look at this from your son/DIL's point of view?
1) you were late to the party
2) you caused a scene
3) you had gone off your medication abruptly... you know how dangerous it can be and the moodiness it can cause

I would have hoped that Jerry would have been more supportive to you in light of the above. OF COURSE you're having problems with your DIL, under those circumstances! Why does he think you shouldn't be upset about it?

But, who knows what really went on with the other grandma and the cake... I would be more likely to assume that she really wanted to be the cake provider and less likely to assume that they didn't trust you. The "not trusting you to do a good job" part seems like oversensitivity, from my point of view.

I'm GLAD that you did NOT throw the cake on the floor, Tomi! That would have been a rotten response to a situation that didn't have to turn sour. It also would have set a terrible example for your granddaughter -- sort of like "break something if things don't go your way".

And what are you doing spending $100 on a cake? Tomi, I'm only pointing this out because it reminds me so much of the resentment I have towards my MIL, when I loaned her a couple of thousand bucks to move out here, only to have her move away again less than a year later. We should not be spending money we don't have on other people. REASON: because it will cause us to be HUGELY resentful of them if they don't react according to our expectations. WE have control over whether we get resentful... by not doing things for other people if we expect gratefulness in return.

I'm so sorry about the cake. I think that the most rewarding thing you could have done is driven directly to a women's shelter and given it to them.

[mrb020377]

Tomi, I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. I have a hubby that blames me when we are late too... I hate it . I can understand your hurt feelings over the cake and the soccer game and the whole situation.
I am sorry.

I am on my wwy with my hammer and nails... just point me in the direction you need to me start...

[dexter]

{{{{Sept}}}}

Like LMo, I can also imagine things from your son's point of view. And I'm also wondering what prompted that response from your granddaughter... who wouldn't want two cakes for their birthday! Unless someone said something manipulative to her. I don't know, maybe that's just how children are... I can't really speak from experience.

But I think you have to move on with this, which it sounds like you are trying to do but they won't let you. So the most you can do is make sure you take care of yourself.

I also agree that meds are a priority! See what you can do... LMo's idea of asking them to inform you if there is a cancellation is a good one. Your "freedom" is also a priority. Being stuck here with no means of getting places on my own I am really suffering for it. Hope the idea of asking someone else will work, or whatever it takes to get that path finished... and your drawers too!

[SeptemberMorn]

In my own defense:

1) you were late to the party

Everybody KNOWS I don't drive and contrary to what my son believes, I don't CONTROL my husband.

2) you caused a scene

I don't think I did. I was still inside my motor home through all of it. No one else except my GD, my husband and my son knew what was going on.

3) you had gone off your medication abruptly... you know how dangerous it can be and the moodiness it can cause

Through no fault of my own. If I'd had a choice, I certainly WOULDN'T have.

The "not trusting you to do a good job"

My son TOLD me that's why the other grandma bought the cake. It's not an assumption on my part.

I would be more likely to assume that she really wanted to be the cake provider

You got THAT right!! Was trying to give my side of the story without any emotion or JUDGEMENT.

a situation that didn't have to turn sour

Right again! My impression? My granddaughter is learning to MANIPULATE from her mother. That is EXACTLY what her mother does (withhold affection, among other things) when my son doesn't do exactly as she says. Throwing the cake out the door and onto the ground wouldn't have been much different, would it? However, I just SAID it almost a month later to Jerry.

I spent that money because it was MY ONLY GRANDDAUGHTER that asked for it. Granted, I didn't know it was going to cost that much, but I would do it again... for that little girl. I DO NOT resent my granddaughter at all. SHE, AUTUMN, is the only one I did it for! I know that, had it not been for what she heard and saw from her parents and other grandmother, she would have been all over me with hugs and kisses! It doesn't take much at all for me to make that little girl happy.

It's not all about the cake, Lee Ann... it's what Autumn is being taught at home. It's about all the freakin' hurt feelings, manipulation, separation and bullcrap that doesn't need to happen. It's about how my son and Jerry are reacting to the whole situation! For John not to talk to me and Jerry to think of SEPARATION from ME because of the DIL manipulation?? Good Lord!!!! This is INSANE and beyond belief!!!!!!! (Those exclamation marks were NOT for you, ok?)

[LMo]

(I can't take credit for the cancellation idea... someone else suggested that. Good idea, though!)

[ozzie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The person that I'm the most annoyed at in this situation is Jerry, I have to say.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))) I'm afraid I agree with LMo. IMO, Jerry could have helped a great deal by standing up for you regarding a number of things. Standing up for the people you care about is very important. I understand the pain you must feel because he and others didn't. I've been there!

[dexter]

Oh I forgot to mention, the fact that they won't talk to you to try to resolve or get past this is AWFUL!

[LMo]

I know... I didn't say any of that with the intention of having you feel like you needed to defend yourself. I KNOW those things weren't your fault, and I KNOW how easy it is to be generous with those you love. You have a pure heart, Tomi, and I know that if you had control over any of those things, that you would have definitely done it differently.

I was just trying to think about how your son and DIL felt, to see if there was any valid reason for them to be upset. Regardless of whose fault it was, I can see why they'd be upset. They wanted their daughter's party to go smoothly, and it didn't.

I don't know why Autumn reacted the way she did. I know that there is a lot of uncomfortable history in that part of your family, so it's probably not specifically the cake situation. She probably feels really torn between having to be on her mother's good side and yours. It's such a tough situation

But your DIL "forgave" you after you apologized. What's up with your son? Or is it because he was there in your motorhome when you got upset? He's been like this before, though, right?

Tomi

[SeptemberMorn]

Dave, kids are by nature forgiving! They DON'T KNOW HOW to hold a grudge... unless they've been taught how... I'm sure she heard to conversations back and forth about maybe "Bela" couldn't or wouldn't come through with an appropriate cake. Check out the picture of said cake in the gallery and then tell me their doubts were founded.

Got any ideas on what *I* can do to move on?? I'm stumped! I don't know what to do or IF I should do anything. I don't know what would be right for Autumn and I don't know what would be right for my son. I don't know what would be good for the family as a whole. I have absolutely NO doubt that they will try to carry this to David's son's party this Saturday! (Lucas, my grandson turns 12 on Halloween)

As for meds, I've checked a website where I can get a card that will give me a big discount. It's in the process, thank God!! Aside from all this crap, it's not nice being in my skin right now.

[LMo]

I would say just lay low for a little while... don't try to be the bestest grandma out there, but do show up when invited and be polite. Sounds like there is some settling down in the family that needs to happen. With Autumn, maybe just send her a cute card in the mail every few weeks with a joke or a picture or article of something that you know she's interested in.

That's my 2c

[SeptemberMorn]

LOL Susan, that's one thing you don't need to be AFRAID of! I've learned that I can't depend on Jerry for much except to get my feelings hurt and to be dissapointed. Like I've said over and over on this board "WHY, WHY, WHY do I let him stay??????" There's got to be some sort of payoff.... It's a truly sad state of affairs if the answer is "it's better than being alone."

[SeptemberMorn]

Isn't that called "Double Ignorance"?? Don't know the truth and don't WANT to know it... Like how *I* feel, maybe...