[LMo]

Greenleaves, several months ago, you posted about this very same issue and lots of people had good advice for you about staying away from the administrator. You had asked if you could send your emails to someone here instead of sending them to him, and I volunteered that you could send them to me, if it meant harrassing him less. I don't believe you ever took me up on that, and I was assuming that it was because you had your obsession under control. I'm sad to read that you're still doing it

I don't think you should minimize or justify any contact with the administrator. As you know, what you have is a very unhealthy obsession. What you've posted is a big flashing wake-up call that you need more psychological help than you are currently getting.

Please up the therapy...

[Greenleaves]

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You know what joke I am talking about.

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Maybe? Do you mean when I was talking lightly about death? The CN tower thing? Technically it wasn't a joke.

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Jokes like that can make many uncomfortable and serious comments on that stuff can too

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Yeah, you're right. I have to alleviate people's fears. Larry told me the same thing...people are going to be weary around me if I keep things up. I have to do whatever I can to make sure people are comfortable around me.

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then you said you sent threatening letters...that would creep me out if someone did that stuff to me....but I am sure he will be cool and handle it well and there will no doubt be a crowd.

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Yeah, unfortunately it hasn't been the first time I sent e-mails threatening my life. It doesn't help that he never shows any emotions or replies in any way to what I write. Maybe he's not OK with them. I just don't know. Maybe I won't know until the police shows up at my door to arrest me.

I hope he can handle it. I think the meeting will be fine too. I'm not nearly as scary in person.

Although...

Now that I think about it, I don't think I'll have many friends at the meeting. Someone told me that they have plans together that don't include me. I'll be all alone. If I'm all alone I know I will be upset. I just hope I won't be so upset that I go insane.

I can just imagine it now...I arrive in Toronto and wander around the city all by myself. We might get together maybe once and them everyone leaves and then I'm alone...and sad. I just hope I won't get so sad that I do something stupid.



Me, alone in Toronto...maybe not such a good idea. I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it. Me, pathetic and alone. Wandering the streets, crying like a crazy person.



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It will be fine...Just between now and then take your meds..see a PDOC find a free T and end all death talk over there...maybe do not email him..good or bad

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I will do whatever pdoc1 says about meds. Maybe I don't really need so many meds. I don't know where to find a free T. That's going to be hard. I don't think there are any *free* Ts. Some might have reduced rates, but I'm sure there are waiting lists.

I really do need to end the death talk there, between now and the trip. I just hope I can do that.

I hope I can stop e-mailing him too, but I'm not too hopeful about that.

[Greenleaves]

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I gotta tell ya, GL, that I feel you need to be far away from any such meeting.

Considering everything that you shared here, it could be disasterous for you to go.

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I've been looking forward to this meeting for a long time. I've already booked my rooms. I have to go.

How do you think it will be disasterous Kimmy?

[LMo]

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It doesn't help that he never shows any emotions or replies in any way to what I write.

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On the contrary, I think it helps immensely. He's doing exactly the right thing. If you got a reaction, even a negative one, then it would just encourage you to do it more.

[Greenleaves]

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I don't believe you ever took me up on that, and I was assuming that it was because you had your obsession under control. I'm sad to read that you're still doing it

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I did have it under control LMo. I only start e-mailing him when I'm blocked. When I'm not I don't feel the need to e-mail him.

[Greenleaves]

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On the contrary, I think it helps immensely. He's doing exactly the right thing. If you got a reaction, even a negative one, then it would just encourage you to do it more.

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The thing with this administrator is that he does that for everyone. He doesn't really interact with any of the posters.

[LMo]

so why is it a problem then?

[Greenleaves]

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so why is it a problem then?

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The thing is, I think the only reason why I'm infatuated with him is because he doesn't interact with us. He's very aloof and mysterious.

If he were more like DocJohn, if he had chats with us etc, I wouldn't be obsessed with him.

[LMo]

I think that the reason you are infatuated with him has absolutely nothing to do with him. That's like saying that he deserves to be harrassed.

You need to take full responsibility for this, Greenleaves. You need to find a therapist to deal with it. We're a good group for support, but this is work for a professional.

[gardenergirl]

Just an observation, Greenleaves...

I tend to pick on word choice, but I think often it's terribly significant.

Hoping you stop is a start. But until you say "I will stop, there's no chance of that happening. Nothing magical is going to happen to make you stop doing it until you decide you want to, you know how to, and you actually stop, and you monitor your progress on stopping and tweak your plan as needed to maintain the change.

I recently found myself saying, "I will be done with my education by XX date." versus "I better be or should be or hope to be." It felt much more in my control once I started saying, "I will. "

So....

1. Is the behavior a problem?
2. Do you want to change it?
3. Have you decided to change it?
4. Do you know how to change it?
5. When will you start to change it?
6. How will you know when you've changed?
7. How will you deal with any slips?

Okay, more than an observation...

Color me wordy.

Hope it helps, though.

gg

[Greenleaves]

I don't know any other reason why I should be infatuated with him...other than it's because of how he acts around posters...being very mysterious and all.

Am I really harrassing him? How come he doesn't tell me to stop? I never threatened him in any way. I assure you that he's not in any danger from me. I'm not a violent person.

[Greenleaves]

Should I ask him whether or not he feels harassed?

[gardenergirl]

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Greenleaves said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
so why is it a problem then?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

The thing is, I think the only reason why I'm infatuated with him is because he doesn't interact with us. He's very aloof and mysterious.

If he were more like DocJohn, if he had chats with us etc, I wouldn't be obsessed with him.

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Hi again, Green.

I think there is a very good chance that you project something onto Dr. Bob that leads you to be obsessed with him. His lack of interaction and "aloofness" makes him a perfect object for projection. We tend to do this in order to try to meet a need that's not being met or to play out with someone else an old pattern.

Could it be that your obsession with Dr. Bob is a safer way to deal with a need or obsession related to someone else in your life? Could Dr. Bob represent a father-figure who, if he only approves of you and likes you, would make everything "all better." This is a common transference/projection.

You know how he posts a new picture, and many folks say what they think he looks like or is thinking? That's a form of projection. His pictures are a bit ambiguous, usually, as his expression is usually not obvious. So we tend to "project into" the picture what we need to see or what we are primed to see. And that's how we often come up with very different responses to the same picture.

Could you be primed to or need to see something in Dr. Bob that you put into him versus that he actually is, especially due to his sort of "blank slate" style?

gg

[LMo]

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I don't know any other reason why I should be infatuated with him.

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Well, there are other PB members here at PC... are any of THEM infatuated with the administrator? If not, then it's you, not him.

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Am I really harrassing him?

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From what you've told us, then YES

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How come he doesn't tell me to stop?

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Does he really NEED to tell you to stop? Why would you want to push it until he does? Wouldn't you feel even WORSE if it got to that point?

[LMo]

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Should I ask him whether or not he feels harassed?

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No. Instead, you should find a therapist pronto.

[Greenleaves]

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I think there is a very good chance that you project something onto Dr. Bob that leads you to be obsessed with him. His lack of interaction and "aloofness" makes him a perfect object for projection.

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I totally agree!

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We tend to do this in order to try to meet a need that's not being met or to play out with someone else an old pattern.

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I didn't know that. I'm confused now because i don't know of any need of mine that is not being met. I also don't play this out with anyone else in my life.

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Could it be that your obsession with Dr. Bob is a safer way to deal with a need or obsession related to someone else in your life? Could Dr. Bob represent a father-figure who, if he only approves of you and likes you, would make everything "all better." This is a common transference/projection.

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I'm not obsessed with anyone else in my life. So I don't know about that. I think it is possible that he represents someone who can make things "all better for me" if only he approves of me. I don't know why this is though. I certainly don't have this kind of feeling towards my Dad. I don't care what my Dad thinks and I don't seek any form of affection from him and I don't give affection either. We are not the most affectionate family. I don't think I've ever hugged anyone in my family. We certainly don't talk about love or anything.

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Could you be primed to or need to see something in Dr. Bob that you put into him versus that he actually is, especially due to his sort of "blank slate" style?

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Yes, I think that is possible, but why I'm not sure at all.

anyone can answer just a thought from reading this thread - isnt cyber stalking (this type of harrassment) a crime and didn't I read somewhere where mabe it was on CNN or some news affliiate that all states now have a cyberstalking law that is now considered finable and jailtime can be applied too. if so my oppinion is get to a therapist and take care of this problem quick before you end up under arrest. All computers show up by IP numbers on the website owners tracking devices (which is how website administrators can block members from access too) so that administrater and or website owner does have the means to locate and report cyberstalkers to the police if this activity continues.

[Greenleaves]

I don't e-mail him that much. I don't know if it is enough to be considered cyber-stalking.

Anyways, I know he can have me arrested if he wants. I sent him my real name and everything. He probably knows exactly where I live. He can easily have me arrested. I'm certainly not trying to not get caught.

If I cannot stop and he wants to put me in jail, he will. I will go to jail then.

[LMo]

this makes me really sad

I hope you get the help you need, Greenleaves.

[Greenleaves]

I know that if I go to jail I will be extremely distressed

I personally think you do care because otherwise you would not see a problem with what you are doing and you would not have posted about it so I hope you do find that therapist and take care of it. Take care.

Addition to post -
If you posted not because you care and want to take care of the problem which is one of two reasons in my opinion why people post such problems on mental health websites then I have no choice but to believe the second reason posters post such information and that is you posted this just for an attention getter and maybe your alloofness of not caring is because it is not a real situation.

right now I am choosing to believe you care and are for real and want to take care of the situation. Which means you need the help of real world professionals all we can do here is make suggestions. again take care.

[LMo]

Not allowed, Greenleaves. Please edit and remove that statement.

[Greenleaves]

I can't have a therapist because I don't have enough money for one.

Anyways, I think I'm beyond help. I'm not sure a T can do anything for me. I have to help myself. That is what my pdoc tells me.

[gardenergirl]

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Could it be that your obsession with Dr. Bob is a safer way to deal with a need or obsession related to someone else in your life? Could Dr. Bob represent a father-figure who, if he only approves of you and likes you, would make everything "all better." This is a common transference/projection.

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I'm not obsessed with anyone else in my life. So I don't know about that. I think it is possible that he represents someone who can make things "all better for me" if only he approves of me. I don't know why this is though. I certainly don't have this kind of feeling towards my Dad. I don't care what my Dad thinks and I don't seek any form of affection from him and I don't give affection either. We are not the most affectionate family. I don't think I've ever hugged anyone in my family. We certainly don't talk about love or anything.

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Perhaps that's exactly why you might be doing this. We all need to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel protected, to feel special to those who matter to us. It's a basic human need. And if your family is not good at expressing this, then even if you don't seem to feel the void, it's still a void that needs to be filled in some way.

I have a dad who was never affectionate, never told me he loved me, and never seemed to even like kids. It was horrible for me to try so hard to "win" or "earn" his approval/love and to never succeed. Figuring that out has helped me to see when I seek approval from other male authority figures and how that's not healthy or ultimately satisfying for me. I'm blessed, though, with a large number of other family members in my extended family who openly express love and caring. I tend to just soak that up like a sponge when I see them. It helps to fill that void.

I was like you, too, I think, when I was much younger. I didn't really "care" consicously that my father was not affectionate, and I was not towards him or many others, either. I was usually pretty angry with him.

Discovering that void was very painful for me. But it's gotten better, though. And now that I've made some good progress on all the ineffective ways I've been trying to fill it, I've actually begun to find it being filled by those I never expected. My father included.

Okay, that's way more information than necessary. (all that is really fresh for me, so it sort of spills out sometimes).

But maybe, just maybe, this might be going on with you, too?

You seem to have a very big void in feeling cared for. I hope that you find that void start to fill with real, authentic, and meaningful expressions of caring.

(((((Greenleaves)))))

gg

[LMo]

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Greenleaves said:
I can't have a therapist because I don't have enough money for one.

Anyways, I think I'm beyond help. I'm not sure a T can do anything for me. I have to help myself. That is what my pdoc tells me.

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Not true and not true.