Life

Hi. I don't know what my point is, but I just want to write about ups and downs and life and confusion, ....

Everything happens all at once. Some of you know that I started a master's program in mental health counseling a few months ago. It never was quite what I wanted to do, since I would rather be a psychologist, but I didn't know if I would have a chance to get into one of those programs, or if I really could take as much time away from my family as that would involve (I would have to commute about 3 hours away). Anyway, my plan was to go ahead and start the master's program since I had the chance to start it right away and then would feel like I was doing something and have something to fall back on. I intended all along to apply to the doctoral programs that I really would rather be in anyway, and I did apply.

I'm invited to interviews for one of those programs this week. I'm excited and confused about that. I'd like to be in that program, but I wish I could make three copies of myself so that I could do everything. Or at least learn to teleport. If the state would just put in high speed trains connecting the rural areas to the bigger cities, that would make it a lot easier. That's entirely wishful thinking though.

At the same time, I got a promotion at work (last week) that puts me in position for a managerial job when someone retires (I'm guessing in about a year). And I like the people I work with and the people in my class for the master's program. I don't know how I want things to work out.

The last few weeks have been obnoxious. I've been fighting with T because I have a hard time with the new approach she is using with me (toughlove, because I am an addict - addicted to fear, denial, and self-deception). I never seemed to get anything right. Finally this week I did figure something out (or I guess I caught on to what she was trying to get me to see). What was that? Oh yeah, I get mad and irritable and push people away when they get too close. If I do that to any of you, call me on it, ok?

I'm trying not to be so irritable with my family, but it's hard. I'm happier when I'm away from home, or when my husband is. He was travelling Monday and Tuesday, and came back grumpy and making everyone miserable because the house wasn't clean enough. Wednesday morning he continued it, and after he went out the door I was asking my daughter if she had vacuumed all the way to the edges and moved furniture. He came back in, shoved me aside, grabbed the couch I had been leaning on, and threw it across the room (revealing junk piles underneath it). When I called my daughter from work that afternoon he had gone home early and had her in tears again.

I get overstimulated so easily lately and when the kids all ask me something and he's playing music and computer games, and the kids are playing gameboy and leaving it running and practicing violin and roughhousing, I can't take it anymore. I'm okay today because I stayed at work for 10 hours.

Tomorrow I'll be gone all day going to therapy (it's a 3 1/2 hour drive each way), and I've gotten to where I look forward to the trip but I'm afraid of how it's going to go with T, especially since I haven't done so well lately.

I'm going to listen to books on tape in the car and try not to dissociate too much. I don't know what I'm asking of you. Maybe I just want to let you know where I'm at. I'm kind-of a mixed up mess.

(((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))

Rap

(((((Rap))))

I hear you, that is a lot to go through at once. I so understand what you mean by getting overstimulated.

Times like those, I could use some actual armor, maybe a helmet, and a foam bat to whack people with. Maybe a megaphone if they aren't listening to me. Bright spotlights and some help from a TV personality who can give me a dramatic intro as I read people the riot act.

I hide under the bathroom counter, but the noise still gets in, even with the door locked.

Wow, you havd a lot going on in your life right now. It is no wonder you are having difficulty coping with everything. It sounds like you are trying to make many important decisions on your own with some major obstacles to overcome for the things you would like to do. You are juggling family, work and school all at one time which would be daunting to anyone. On top of all that your t has changed her approach to your therapy.

Unfortunately you are the only one who can utlimately make these decsions. Please feel free to PM me should you ever think it may help you think things through. I am a good listener. Take care and I know you will make the best decisions for you.

Rapunzel,
It sounds like you have quite a lot of stress going on there!

Don't forget to pamper yourself and let yourself know how well you are doing.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rapunzel )))))))))))))))))))))))

I know how it gets with things piling up, Rap. Just hang in there, and things will eventually settle a bit. Good luck with the interviews for the doctoral programs. Psych, social work, counseling, and marriage and family therapy each have their advantages and disadvantages so keep an open mind.

Remind me again why you are still with that guy? Sorry, but throwing a sofa around, making ppl cringe, cry is abusive behavior. I gather he can't control things on the job, so he "throws" his weight around at home. I'd tell him to get therapy or move out.

It's nearly impossible for you to completely heal and be able to follow through with your goals and wishes while having to walk on eggshells at home. You have to feel safe before you can reach that state, imo. Make absolutely sure that your T knows how bad it is when the spouse is around; you may need some of those defense mechanisms she is trying so hard to get you to give up.

Above all, be safe. The environment is not healthy for your daughter, either, imo. TC (((rap)))

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Thanks all of you for the replies. I wanted to write more. Actually I sat here staring at this thread off and on this evening. But I can't really collect my thoughts enough to write much tonight. Just wanted to check in and tell you thanks and I made it home. It went pretty well with T but I don't know what to think about the stuff I have to deal with right now.

Rap

Hi, Rapunzel!

A couple of things popped out at me from your post...first of all, nothing is set in stone. I hear some distress of trying to figure out "should I do this or this?" You can give a good honest try to one and if it doesn't work out...count what you've learned as priceless experience and go on to #2.

Another thing...given your life situation, I wouldn't pile too much on myself. Example - I entered a Masters in Mental Health program. It was set up to be either 3 years full-time or 4 years part-time. Due to what was going on in my life, I did it in 5-years!

Follow your dreams....at the same time stress yourself out as little as possible. I'm pulling for ya!!!

Hi, Rapunzel--

The behavior your husband displayed is simply not acceptable--I know, I used to act that way from time to time. I did the mature thing (for once) and took an anger management class, (No, Jack Nicholson DID NOT move in!!!!) which helped immensely. You simply can't allow this to go on, if only for your daughter--she has to learn that women don't have to tolerate that (or any) kind of abuse.

Guys who pull this kind of stuff really make me mad...that's not how real men act. I do know that the right kind of therapy can help, because it did for me.

Be safe, and see if you can talk to DH about changing his ways.

DJ

But I really don't keep up with housework. I'm just not good at making sure everything gets done. He told me before I married him that the house would be my job. It was a huge mistake for me to get married when I did because I didn't know who I was and I've felt so trapped. I never was in love, but I didn't think I could make it by myself and wasn't going to let my parents suck me in again. It's been almost 16 years now and it's not fair for me to change the rules after all this time, but 3 years ago I reached the point where I couldn't survive anymore as a SAHM, and I had to change directions, but if I abandoned my family I would be so irresponsible. There aren't any right answers, and it's all my own fault.

Rapunzel!
Never,never,never blame yourself!

Things will change but only when you feel strong enough. You have a lot of good things going on in your life. And you are doing the best you can.

You can change things when you feel it safe enough to do so.

Be proud of who you are, what you have been through and know that you will be strong enough to cope with whatever life throws at you.

Keep yourself safe.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Rapunzel )))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you.

Rapunzel--

What I am trying to say is that it is not OK for him to treat the rest of his family that way for any reason...it is simply not acceptable. Look at it this way...if you had cleaned something at work but missed moving a cart and there was dirt under there, would it be OK for your supervisor to pick up the cart and throw it and then yell at you? Of course not. Likewise, you should be treated with even more respect at home than you would get at work. After all, you promised to take of this person for the rest of his life, and he did the same.

That's one reason I am divorced--we had gotten into a pattern of treating each other in this way. I decided not to play anymore. When she started screaming, I simply said "I can't talk to you when you scream. I'm going.......... When you feel like we can talk, I'll be there." Just say it very matter-of-factly....you don't have to put up with it.

I just HATE to see people treated this way--it's just not right.

DJ

The fact that you don't keep up with the housework does not give him license to treat you poorly. I assume he works and brings home a paycheck...if he got fired or otherwise couldn't bring home a check for some reason, would that give you permission to start treating him like he treats you?

I work full-time too, actually, and overtime when I can. (I would rather be at work than home most of the time). But I only make less than a quarter of what he does, so it seems like it doesn't really count, and I still ought to be doing all the housework and not farming it out to the kids. There was once a time when he was unemployed and I had the only job, and he still wouldn't do housework or watch the baby. I wouldn't ever yell at him and stuff, but I'm not sure I'm any better with the kids. I try not to get mad at them, but usually that means I can't be trying to work with them or be right there with them when they are supposed to be working. I don't think I would lecture and yell at my husband even if I could (he would just interrupt and give it right back if I tried) but maybe what I do is worse. When he won't stop and I can't take any more, I hurt myself, and then he feels bad, and I feel bad for making him feel bad. That's the only way out sometimes though.

I'm confused, Rap. You say it's the only way "out". Out of what?

Wendy. I would love to actually speak with you in person for hours and hours. I thin a lot of what I am hearing is woman stuff. Pulled like a gumby in 35 directions. And realizing whoops, we aren't perfect. Be nice to Wendy for me.

The only way to get him to stop lecturing. I've tried setting time limits, and sometimes that works, but quite often he doen't get the point that I can't take any more until I start scratching up my face or something. It's not as bad now as it used to be.

That would be nice. I would love it too if we could get together and talk, or have a sleepover or something, or a crafts retreat. Maybe someday it will happen.