Help: Who is right, who is not flexable, am I wrong

I am so frustrated I could cry. But it want help. So I'll set here angry and full of questions. I knew things had gone to smooth for to long. We are having a yard sale this weekend to make some extra money and get red of stuff to. We are doing the sale Th, F, and Sat. My H wanted to know when was I gonna have time to clean the house I clean it all week here and there. Saturdays the whole house gets it good, everything all done in one day. Not the way I want to spend every Saturday for the rest of my life. So I told my H I didn't plan on cleaning alot. He wanted to know why not. Who was gonna clean it. I asked him if we could just leave it one time. One time out of the 54 weekends in a year. That was not the right answer.

Then he went on a rampage about my car being yucky. It is, I admit it, we eat meals in that poor car, we do homework in the car, we go to church in the car. There are always me and a 5 year old in the car. Most of the time it has a 12 yr old and a 14 yr old in it to. Try serving meals to 4 people in the car. The car is dirty but it doesn't bother me. Not in the least. I throw away trash when I get an opportunity. I vacuum it seldom but not never. I wash the floor mats less than I vacuum but still not never. The car doesn't bother me. I am quite comfortable with it messy. My H said now you can take some of your yard sale money and get it detailed. I told him I don't think so. It doesn't bother me and if he has a problem with it then he can pay to get it detailed. His answer was I guess I want be buying your next car then. (Good that always helps make someone feel better) You mean to tell me you don't love me enough to keep thisw car clean for me. My responce was you don't love me enough to let me keep my car the way I want to. Again wrong answer. If you love me and you know this bothers me then why do you let this happen. WHAT Because I love you it looks the way it does. I got the ketchup packs out, I threw away drink cans, you can see the seat. I didn't do it for me. It didn't bother me. I did it for you.

See what I'm up against. I don't know if it is me who has the problem of reading to much into things, is it me who is not compromising enough or is it him who wants to much control over things. I know this is petty. But the little things seem to add up somehow and turn into big things. I'm just so tired of trying. I just want to be left alone. I just want to relax somewhere. I can't relax in my own home because it has to look like a show case. How about the car. Nope I guess not.

"You mean to tell me you don't love me enough to keep thisw car clean for me. My responce was you don't love me enough to let me keep my car the way I want to. Again wrong answer. If you love me and you know this bothers me then why do you let this happen."

I'm a little confused if the above are quotes from each of you, or if they're general statements coming from one side (or both).

If your hub said, "You mean to tell me that you don't love me enough to keep this car clean for me?" and you replied, "You don't love me enough to let me keep the car the way I want to." Followed by him, "If you love me and you know this bothers me, than why do you let this happen?" ~~ My response would be that he's over-reacting. You shouldn't have to do everything that you can in life just to please the one you love. No couple agrees on everything! Both parties ought to be able to make some adjustments to their expectations of the other half.

If the words above are presumptions of what each party would say, than I would say that you're reading too much into the situation.

Regarding your list of chores, and his peeve about you being unable to clean on Saturday, my answer would be that he could certainly get off his high horse and pick up the mop and broom! It is common for a lot of men to still resist cleaning, but he could share SOME of the responsibilities. Laundry? Dishes? Floors? Oven and stove cleaning? It might give him a little more respect in all that you've done to keep the house in order, while living up to his other expectations and your children's needs.

Take care!

From your first paragraph it's clear that he believes cleaning is your job and doesn't have enough respect for you or over-values himself to not bother to do any cleaning by himself. I don't think you should do no cleaning and have him do all of it to experience what it is like because he won't let you relax. Eventually he would perform the cleaning chores of the house that you do but it's a gamble whether he'll show more respect. Instead, it would be better if you two equally divide the cleaning chores. Once he becomes more understanding and respectful, each subsequent Saturday won't be a hassle, you'll both know what has to be done without question.

From your second paragraph I find myself to be in the same boat as Shezbut. It's difficult to understand whether some of your post are direct quotes or presumptions. It's also difficult to understand whether they were all uttered by you or a combination of your husband and you. Since I cannot parse that section of your post, I cannot answer all of the questions you posed.

Why is love even tied into how clean the car is? This whole thing sounds like a respect issue on both sides.

I hate to clean house. My car is a wreck too. My mom cleaned on Saturdays and it was a miserable day of the week. I will not do that.

It's him. We're responsible for what we want, not what someone else wants; that's their responsibility. He wants the house a certain way? He can make it that way all he wants. He (and sounds like you too) are still going on lessons learned and impulses from when you were growing up (his mother kept a clean house or his father insisted on a clean house or something; yours may have done the same so you are keeping your car like you like instead of like your controlling mother/father/husband might).

My sister has a very beautiful home and is very house proud. Somehow she has been able to get her hubby to help with cleaning the house.

He used to be a car sales man and hates a dirty car. So on the weekend he offered to wash her car..... Always likes it clean.

Maybe you can get your hubby to become a used car sales person and catch the cleaning bug. Maybe you could even get the children lined up to do some ages appropriate chores. With a star chart, including your hubby.

Good Luck

Sorry guys. What started out as writing something simple became a full blown rant. Clarity was not an issue at the time. I just wanted to get it all out. There was alot of room for debate of who said what and if some of it was thought. I did the oposite of what I usually do. I am trying to learn to stand up to my H. Half of the reason I feel the way I do is because I give in on everything. Just like a little kid though if mom(me) quits giving in someone is gonna get mad and throw a little fit.(him) I do not expect my H to be overjoyed when I stand my ground. It is not what I usually do. What do you do with a kid who doesn't like it when he doesn't get his way. This man has gotten his way for 18 years and I'm tired of playing around. I have the tools in place to help me hold my own. (The T's) So I do know what some of this is about. I'm a mean mama and want give H everything he wants.

It's okay, Big Mama.

It seems as though you're on the border of really getting into your deep anger and resentment. I think that's good ~ rather than bottling it up & merely torturing yourself with self-blame and self-hate. You need to let these frustrations out.

I'm happy to listen and pleased to offer feedback or a shoulder, if that's what you're seeking. So, don't worry that you shouldn't be making posts like these. Okay?

Usually when you argue about those kinds of (basically trivial) things, it is really about something else much more important (needs getting met, ec., etc.)

((((Mama)))) I am with the other members and echo Shez...please post to your heart's content and don't worry It's important that you get it all out. We are here to support you, my dear.

(as far as the argument is concerned...as a couple, once people get "set" in certain patterns, sometimes, it can be really hard for one to come around when the other makes changes. Especially if there are complex dynamics going on. Clearly, you are trying very hard to stop playing the "game" (by changing your responses and behavior with him), but he is still not quite "getting it").

IMHO, bottom line: he is a neat freak and you are not. The question is, can you come to a compromise?

You're not the only one ((Big Mama)). I have a H who's a kitchen towel sniffer and now I had to become one to prevent him from saying it. Sometimes I change it 3 times a day or I'll put a new one before I go to bed. I've even sprayed it with perfume and thought of putting black pepper on it lol. I do all the cleaning and I'm at the point ....if he doesn't like it, then he can fix it himself. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to use the frickin towel.

Lynn, I know not very eco-friendly, but a roll of paper towels ... or get him a gift: a monogrammed Sham-wow?

Shez, Nichole, Rose, Yall are so correct. It's is not about a messy car it's about a struggle to meet in the middle. It is hard to find a happy medium with him OCD and me ADD. Last weeks T visit was calm I do not believe this week will be the same.

THANK YALL SO MUCH> WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT FRIENDS LIKE YOU.

Great Idea. Pepper I like that. I did something mean and childish one time. It was not nice but it felt so good. We have a pony and my H would not let us have a gate near our house so we could pet him. He would not let us build a structure w/ steps or use block either. I AM NOT vindictive. But I just couldn't do it anymore. So I bought a pool ladder to set over the fence. It was hideous but it worked. I hate I was redcued to that. That I played his game and won. I like the pepper idea, good one.

I hope what I am about to write helps you or someone else. First of all, you're not a mean Mama because you want some help with the mess that everyone makes.

I don't know if your husband controls all the money or what, but here is the important part. You're his wife and he is supposed to love, cherish and take care of you, just like you are supposed to love, cherish and take care of him. That's what a loving marriage should be. When children get old enough and if they are able, they show their love for their family by pitching in on chores, too: A 14 year old is certainly old enough to wash a car and supervise a slightly younger child gathering trash from the interior.

No one is supposed to be a slave in a family. Decent treatment shouldn't be a matter of bickering or bargaining or begging. A good husband treats his wife with love and respect. A good wife treats her husband with love and respect. Good parents treat their children with love and respect and good children treat their parents with love and respect. I view these as non-negotiable.

I agree whole-heartedly with this. Marriage is a two-way street. It takes both partners working together to be successful. Sometimes one or the other may have to carry a heavier load, but it should work out in the end. If your marriage is important to you, try to work it out, but keep in mind that he also must be willing to work on it. Lay all of your cards on the table and see how he responds. Good luck!