whole lot of "stuff" going on

Hmmm, offering suggestions to someone else on how to reduce their stress level gave me some ideas for reducing my own!

In terms of the volcano. I realized I keep trying to surpress my feelings about all the "stuff" going on. I'm going to try at least acknowledging the feelings when they come up. Maybe that will help vent some of it off....

First day back at work after a week off. I am trying to keep in mind that going redneck crazy on a co-worker would probably not be a good idea.

I'm trying to tell myself not to read things into events. BUT the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, right? I have a co-worker who wants to run the way things are done in the office. She doesn't want any of the responsibility. She just wants the power.

I'm trying toi figure out how to explain what I'm angry about without going into great boring detail.....

Bottom line is that she submitted something to our boss that effects me and my job duties without consulting me first. I made a couple of suggestions which seemed logical to me. She and the office specialist (manager) sent out snotty e-mails basically saying they were right and I was wrong. grrrrr.....

Gotta provide a bit of history....

This co-worker has a history of creating an us vs them atmosphere in the office. The previous boss made effort to eliminate or at least control it. We have a new co-worker in the office. Today there was a ton of scurrying back and forth across the hall, talking behind closed doors. That's the sort of "nonsense" that went on in the past. In the past I was the "them" while the other three were the "us". I can see it starting all over again. I DON'T NEED THIS SHYTE!!!!!

Adding to the stress, I'm stuck with a $75 dollar concert ticket I bought for a friend. This person has a history of backing out of things after she's committed to them. I called her about the concert when I first heard about it. She said she wanted to go. Some time later she started to waffle about going. I called her not once, not twice, but THREE times to make sure she still wanted to go. She swore she wanted to go. This weekend she called to say she "can't" go. I offered the ticket - FOR FREE! - to another friend who said she doesn't want to go. So, now, not only am I going to the concvert alone (I'm OK with that) but I'm stuck with a $75 ticket no one wants. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

I drove home from work with Miranda Lambert blasting so loud I could feel the bass. It helped some, but I still feel like my head might explode.

oh yeah, while I'm whinging....
I have chronic back trouble (herniated disc). I did something yesterday to aggravate it. I have a red hot poker running down my tush, leg and foot.

Are you sure the loud music helps with the stress?

Oh, ow, that kind of pain doesn't help anything! I no longer have that type of pain since my back surgery and it has helped reduce my short fuse quiet a bit. But then the short temper could have also been a side effect of the narcotics. It doesn't help that I have nerve damage in my arms and one leg so I trip or drop things a lot.

Movies help me more than music, but you can't watch them while you drive.

Oh yeah, I'm sure. It's got to be the right music, though. Miranda fit the bill last night.

If you saw the way some people drive around here you might have a different mindset! Movies don't seem to work for me. When I got off the computer last night I watched an episode of Psych on DVD. Just the kind of silliness I needed.

My back seems to have calmed down. I used every trick I know to take care of it yesterday. They seem to have worked.

I hadn't seen your post until today......wow can I relate to how you are feeling......seems like everything hits when we are already in a bad place to start with......& You know me & my eskies & all furry critters, after loosing 2 of my eskies Destiny at Thanksgiving & Celia this last March, it's been the hardest thing for me.....but I have realized one thing....the anger stuff now that I left my stbxh 6 years ago, has been completely working it's way out of my system.....even my psychologist has commented on it.

Growing up & in my marriage, I always felt that I had to fight EVERYTHING because it was all against what I thought was right. Looking back....I was right, so I don't have a problem with that.....but now that I am surrounded by life & people who aren't constantly doing something absolutely stupid, it's like there is no need to fight any longer.....but I'm sure if I were continually surrounded in a work situation where I felt the need to fight for myself.....I would revert right back into fight mode.

Have lost so many of my babies since moving here, 4 eskies & my first horse........In my DBT group, my one comment on our radical acceptance section is that death is the ultimate radical acceptance.....can't be changed....it is what it is & there is nothing we can do about it.....it is beyond our control......which for me is why it's so very difficult to handle. I know when it was looming over my head & it was just a matter of time.....my anxiety & my depression along with my love & devotion all grew too an intense level. I know that it wasn't until about a month ago that I was able to start handling serious issues again & deal with my stbxh on the issues that I have been needing to in order to get the divorce moving again.

All of our emotions & feelings about everything need to be acknowledged. My problem in the past was that I didn't know what things were bothering me....I couldn't put the words to it.....shoot, I couldn't even define the emotions I was feeling let alone know why I was feeling them......for me, I had to get out of the messy life I was in before I could see what had been happening for so long (can't see the forest for the trees.....is so true).

Sitting down & putting the words together is a good starting place.....glad you are working on it & at least have the ability to find the words to express what & why you are feeling the way you are.

Oh fun jewelry making.....that is one craft that really helps my stress. Also, I just started painting with acrylics about 2 years ago. Sometimes that gets me frustrated because I'm never had art/painting lessons.....& sometimes I get myself STUCK & have to figure out how to make it look right....usually go to the internet & search until I find my answer or a picture that looks like what I'm trying to paint.....lots of my friends get late birthday gifts because my project doesn't always get finished as soon as I thought it would. I know that my crafts & my yard work & playing & cuddling with my eskies really does help......& everything is better now that Im out of that marriage....& it will be even better once the divorce is final.

What I have really found that has helped me more than anything is finding my relationship with God.....that has made a profound difference in my life....it's the inside filling that I found was missing & nothing else worked.

Was thinking about the pressure cooker when you were talking about blowing up.....remember, that little bobber on top releases the steam a little at a time so that it doesn't explode......we as humans sometimes need to do the same thing or like your volcano....with the pressure cooker we end up splatted all over the kitchen ceiling......& I don't like cleaning up messes, especially ones I make.

Take care of yourself

Wow wee ''lizardlady'' ~ ~ my heart sure does go out to you, not only that, oh no, much more, for you have put into the written word sooo much of what a'm a feelin' and have felt for so long. I have masks to, a whole wardrobe full of 'em but not a sad, worn out or angry one! Too scared to show anyone except my bestes friend doggie ''waggiedog'' what I call the ''real'' me. I don't know quite what drew me to your message ~ 'twas a ''meant to be'' as I call these instances! I'm so kinda 'moved' and even 'inspired' if you like, that after I've been to my DBT therapy for my ''dreaded incurable disease/disorder'', I'll be a visiting your profile page to talk to you dear. no, that's more why. HUGS. and

I had kind of an aha moment today.

I come from an abusive background. Father was abusive. Husband was abusive. As a result I have a ton of issues related to power and control. Fairly typical for someone with that kind of background. I realized today that a lot of my recent anger is power and control related. All kinds of changes at work that I have no control over - no power, no control. Co-workers are acting like little junior high school princesses. Once upon a time I was the "go to" person in the office who everyone looked to for direction. Now they don't, translates to loss of power and control.

This morning I asked myself why I was letting the opinion of other people affect me so. I'm a cool person to know. I have a lot of positive qualities (I havbe my flaws too!). I'm the kind of person I would like to have as a friend. It was like a switch was thrown in my head. When the princesses staqrted their nonsense today I thought "You people don't know what a great person I am. I have a lot of knowledge I would be glad to share with you." The change in my perspective drained away a whole lot of the stress. Callie is still sick. Al is still getting old and infirm. My body is still a wreck. But I feel better able to deal with it.

Just to prove I'm not perfect... at one point during the day while I was thinking they didn't know what they were missing by locking me out, I did think "You know what, if you don't want to get to know me F you."

I'm not fooling myself into thinking that the stress and anger have vanished. I just feel more prepared to deal with them.

Good for you, lizardlady. I'm glad you had your epiphany. I already knew you were a cool person. If they don't appreciate you at work the heck with them.

((((lizardlady)))

You know I am thinking about you. Just not here much right now, since I am recooperating from surgery.

How are you feeling Payne? I've been thinking about you.

Thanks for asking, liz. I won't usurp your thread with my whining. You have enough going on. I sent you a PM.

Just found your thread and have read about how you are evolving with your issues. I was first thinking about your anger...when I am most depressed, I am easily triggered to anger and it can be explosive. When I am on a more even keel, I look at things more like you seem to be now, taking the high road and putting the situation in perspective.

The other thing I noticed was how highly regarded you are by others who have been on the threads more than I have lately. That says a lot! You should be really proud, to be valued so.

I, too, am an animal-lover. I currently live with 8 Maine Coon cats, 5 Maine Coon kittens, and 2 Havana Brown cats. But I've had dogs in my past life too--they just don't live long enough, do they?

Hoping your days go easier for you while you are dealing with all your stressors.

Thanks for pointing this out because I frequently don't recognize it. I get wrapped up in the negative "stuff" and become blind to the fact that there are people who like and respect me.

((((Liz)))) I am just finding your thread....I haven't been on PC for a while...I am sorry I wasnt here sooner to respond you have a lot on your plate, honey. A whole lot.

I can relate so much to how you are feeling...I have had way too much on my plate, am feeling incredibly angry, and unfortunately when this happens, I isolate. I feel as if my feelings are unworthy. I tried one time on my FB page and I was totally invalidated and practically voted off the island. I shouldnt be surprised, though, considering the source(s). But it hurt a lot. These are people I grew up with so I isolated even more. And I shut down more. Meh.

I am so glad you were able to write down your feelings and reach out here. And I wish I had pearls of wisdom and a magic wand to make all the pain, hurt, frustration go away, but...

...the wonderful gift we have here on PC is that we have each other...and there is love, compassion, empathy and understanding. We have all of that for you, so please continue to post. And please do not worry ....

...it doesnt have to make sense. You are very important. Your feelings are important. You are valued and loved.

(I am so glad you were able to experience that lil epiphany xo)

My thanks to everyone.

Part of my current self care is to limit how much time I spend on line. I find if I spend too much time on line I start looking for outside sources to fill me up inside. My time for tonight is up so I'm about to log off. I just need to say that I am suddenly really missing Mom. Much as I don't like the feeling I'm just letting it be. I'm acknowledging and accepting it. Not sure that makes any sense. It's the best my poor tired brain can come up with tonight.

Firstly I support you ! as do so many others here. As you can see your posting here was not in vain ... look at how many people thanked you for 'this'

Now what is the MOST worrisome part to you ?
Work front or personal health front ? What do you want to deal with first and formost ?

OK .

.......... so what is the game plan for it ?

I am happy for you to have made this post .

Regards,
Max Ra .

{P.S. - please drink more water. Suprisingly .. it helps with fatigue ! I read about it in more than one place}

Thanks Max Ra. I'm not sure I can pick one thing that to focus on. When I first posted my emotions were in such an uproar it all was the most important thing. I've kind of been dealing with things as they push to the front.

work - I posted that I've decided that it's their loss, not mine if folks at work don't recognize I am a) a good person to know and b) a valuable resource. I've also decided to work in the field as much as possible. The folks I work with in the field do appreciate what I do.

health - there's not a thing I can do about the cataracts at this point. The struggle I'm having learning to accept the fact my body ain't what it used to be is something everyone struggles with. Getting old sucks! As for fibro and CFS, I'm not sure I'm ever going to accept the impact they have on my life. I do everything I can for both. I still resent the *heck* out of what they take from me. It helps me to post in the fibro thread here at PC.

grief - like I said in a previous post, I'm trying to let myself experience the grief without fighting it. Some days I'm better at doing it than others.

critters - this ties in with the grief stuff. I'm doing everything I can for Callie and Al. I know I am. It hurts to see someone we love dying. I'm giving them extra attention and trying to let myself feel what I feel. It might be a naturla part of life, but like getting older it still sucks.

(((Liz))),

You "do" have a lot going on, too many negatives too. As far as the cataracts, well, in ten years the procedure will most likely be much better then it is now. The positive is that time may just be a huge advantage.

Now, with your work and the "us vs/ them". Well, it sounds to me that others are more threatened by "you" because you "have been the go to person" and they know you know your stuff, they are more worried about how well they will be accepted by this new manager. My guess is that these others feel "you have the power" so they are worried and "insecure". They already know you are a "good person" and very knowledgeable Liz, and the new manager will notice that too. Remember, none of them got picked for the position either and they probably don't even realize you may have wanted that position. Most likely the only reason you didn't get it is because they probably wanted someone that would not be wanting to retire anytime soon "and" someone that might "cost less" too. Often these decisions are made "not" because a person isn't worthy, but because a person is good where they are and other reasons that have nothing to do with "worthiness or unworthiness". For all you know you may not have been picked because they didn't want you overworked or stressed where they may lose you if they put you in this position. For all you know they may have even told this new manager that if he has questions, you are one to ask.

As far as your animals are concerned, you have to make up your mind that you "are" doing your best for them and they are all very "lucky" to have you. Every day you love and care for them and no animal could ask for more than that. Unfortunately, our pets do not live as long as we do and we have to think about doing our best to enjoy them and appreciate them for as long as they are with us.

I don't go to the animal forum very often because I get choked up inside. I am a huge animal lover myself, they are my babies, and I have lost many over the years and some I have lost because of the negligence of others, so I also tend to get angry.
I never could figure out what to do with that tbh.

I am glad that you decided to "open up and vent" too. You are a "smart woman" Liz and you "do" have opinions that I always consider and give me food for thought too.

It sounds like you are figuring out "why" you feel angry and triggered too. That's good Liz, you know where it is coming from instead of just being "angry". There is nothing wrong with being "angry" either, it is when we turn our anger inwards that is harmful and can lead to "depression".

Yes, you are a "good person" and yes, you have strength to you and are "worthy" too.
The most important person that needs to know that is "you" Liz. Not everyone is going to appreciate that the way you would like them to either, their loss, not yours, remember that "always".

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Don't hve too much to add to what Open Eyes said, except that everyone I know who has the cataract surgery LOVES it when it's over because they have a new lens in their eye and can see better than ever before. Of course, that's if they have to wear glasses now. If you don't. then there's no advantage to this, of course. It's an outpatient procedure, anyway, and not too much trouble.

I am glad that you are looking at it objectively and realistically. I find this very positive and I really like your overall attitude about this. Also you have a pretty clear perspective on it which helps tremendously needless to say ! I appreciate the fact that you are aware of your strenghths on the work front especially and that you know the people who do appreciate your work I wish you progress and more success at work.

I pray to God for Guidance, Blessings and Love to you ... to all of us .

Regards,
Max Ra .

Bless you, Liz, I know you are doing what you can, and you are going thru a lot just now!!!!!

I guess I'm starting to get a handle on this. I read a reply in a thread (reply and thread had nothing to do with me) that irritated the snot out of me. I roped myself in, told myself what the person said had nothing to do with me. I also pointed out to myself that I'm exhausted tonight which makes me prickly. Time to log off and go to bed.....

Last post I said I thought I was getting a handle on this.... today I'm not so sure. I'm anxious, I'm sad/depressed, I hurt and gawdalmighty I miss Mom.