[biplol]

I'm sorry for the tone in this post, but I'm way beyond pissed at this moment.
I'm tired of dealing with people that, just to draw attention upon themself, say any stupid thing that comes to their minds.
I've been raised in a "shut up" manner, so, I, still today, keep it shuted most of the time.
Almost nobody around me knows what I am going thru or have any idea of things that happened to me.
And maybe my system is not the best but it had worked for me, yeah, I gotta say, it's getting out of control.
But I wonder, why should I tell to anybody about my pain? (And here I'm not talking about PC, this is real, the other stuff, this person has put me trhu is not) So they can feel pity for me? Or, so I can take advantage of the situation (as I've seen her doing?
When you become a victim, you didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it, you weren't the one making the wrong choice...
But, if you are tell by people who care about you.." Don't do that" and you still do it. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM you are just a plain and selfish stupid.

[nothemama8]

Biplol, not everyone is hurtful here, most understand your pain, if needed pm us, we maybe able to help and will support you fully
Angie

[biplol]

Nothemama8, Thank you so much, but I wasn't talking about PC, is somebody close to me, that is driving me crazy.
Anyway, Thanks again!

[SeptemberMorn]

Victims usually aren't willing receivers of abuse. Abusers, however, don't understand many times, that what they are doing is abusive. The missinterpret as love but in reality, it's usually control. They excuse their behavior as it not being their fault, but rather, that you asked for it by doing something they perceive as "bad behavior" on your part. They don't see or understand their behavior as rudeness or meaness. Some even see it as a practical joke or silliness, depending on the seriousness of their actions.

There's a saying that I keep in mind "You mess with me once, shame on you. You mess with me twice, SHAME ON ME!"

Maybe you need to use stronger words with this person to make them understand you need them to stop. It may be that you need to follow up your words with actions such as staying away from them for a while. Show them you mean what you say!

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( bipol ))))))))

If someone this close to you is causeing you pain, is it possible to maybe put some distance between you?

[(JD)]

People who haven't been traumatized just don't get it. Don't share anything with someone until you feel safe with them...and even then go very slowly, imo.

I take it that someone near you keeps talking about the abuse they went through and then complain about the responses they get back from talking about that abuse, because they are not getting the response they want they feel like they are still getting victimized and you are getting upset because if they just kept their mouth shut they would not get hurt and that they telling is their own fault so t hey are not victims just stupid for talking about it so much when people are telling them to shut up about it?

My first intinct was to go off big time - not at the person telling but at people who think those that are telling are stupid. Then I reread and saw that you were raised with the "shut up" attitude.

I know it hurts being abused and being around someone who feels like they are ready to stop keeping the dirty secrets of what happened to them. I used to get so upset to, to the point where I would pull myself out of friendships with anyone that had been abused just because I didn't want to and or couldn't talk about what happened to me.

But along the way during therapy I became stronger to where I realized it was doing more damage to me kepping my mouth shut then it was if I was talking about it. I was landing in mental health units every three months, I was actively suicidal, I had these flashbacks I had no idea where they were coming from and how to stop them or even that they had the name of flashbacks, I had nightmares so much that I was sleeping only an hour or two at a time, I was abusing prescription drugs just to get a nightmare free full nights sleep, I was getting into the drinking so much that I ended up in the emergency room from alcohol poinsoning and am now allergic to brewers yeast so that now even one drink will put me into the hospital, while comepletely aware (not dissociated I could not be in the same room with a man without experiencing high anxiety let along have a boyfriend and intimate relationships, Basically I lived in my daydream world called la la land 95% of the time. I moved out of my parents home and Then one day I told just a little bit and with in a couple days a friend noticed I had sat down and had a conversation with my boss who was a man my age. and she asked me what had changed. I told her I didn't know but I just didn't have a tight I need to get away from him feeling right then so I went along with it. Each time I saw my counselor I told a little bit more and each time I felt a little bit better. a day came when I had to move back into my parents home and one day I started to tell my mother about one of my abuse situations and she told me to keep quiet. Don't tell anyone, or she was gonig to kill herself. So I again went back to shutting up. I moved out of my parents home and could not seem to manage anything I was so afraid to sleep in my own home that I made sure I had company of friends almost every night or spent nights at my friends houses. Keeping everything shut up was again doing major damage to me I couldn't even set up job interviews to start working again. so I again got a counselor and started telling and started feeling better. and again I was told to keep my mouth shut by family members when I disclosed that I was seeing a therapist. And I did. and once again I became isolating myself and having only one friend and making sure I wasn't alone and so on, nightmares and flashbacks and so on, I even started experimenting with pot, luckily the only thing I could do with that was be in the next room while someone smoked it and let it slowly come out to me for a second hand high becaus ethe smell just gagged me into losing time. Then I moved to another town and got back into therapy and again started telling and again started feeling better. With all this experience of shut up, tell shut up, tell,... The one thing I knew way that I feelt better when I wasn't keeping everything bottled up inside. And so part of the reason I lived in other towns then my family was so that I could be free to be me and not have to keep the dirty rotton things a secret eating away at my mind and physically because by this time I was being treated for ulcers, migraines, epilepsy because I was losing time and realized that normal people didn't lose time and forget things and hear static in their head all their lives so I thought there had to be something wrong with me physically. But all the medical reports came up that I was normal with the exception of my brain waves - I had the ability to appear asleep brain wave wise when fully awake.

Then one day I was sitting in a prison inmate offenders program with other members of my group that had been asked to attend the prison group as guest speakers. I had no intention of opening my mouth but this one guy made me made because he thought his 2 year old "wanted it" because she kept taking off her clothes. I opened my mouth big time and came out of that prison shaking but feeling SO much freer and calmer and so on. I actually slept all night long that night without a nightmare. I told anyone and everyone possible what I had done and what I could remember of what happened to me - I told co workers, friends, went into high schools, churches, colleges, prisons you name it I told. I got many reactions and some of that was people telling me to shut up I shouldnt be tellnig people about my being a victim, I wouldnt be a victim if kept my mouth shut, it was own fault, I should just get over it already, quit being stupid and telling people that I was a victim... You name it I was told. But by this time I realized three things - I felt healthier when I was telling, that abusers want their victims to keep quiet because that way the person stays isolated and under the abusers control, and my telling was helping others to learn how to get out of abusive situations and get help for them selves. So I kept right on telling. And I continue telling to this day. because I am healthier physically and mentally without keeping the dirty secrets inside eating away at my body and mind and because I can help others.

Someday it won't hurt so much for you to be around people who go against their being raised to keep things "shut up" and things will get better for you when you are ready. maybe you can explain to the person in your real life that right now it hurts you to hear about her abuse history and maybe she could find other topics of conversation when with you.

You are right that telling is not being a victim - for me its not stupidity. for me telling is my being a survivor.

Hang in there.

[biplol]

Thak you guys soooo much for all your comments; it feels so good to be able to talk (write) about this and not feel guilty while doing it.
As some of you know, I'm bipolar, and one of my biggest struggles is that I can't express myself in a really good way, becuase my thoughts come and go so fast, I can't keep up.
I thought it'll be good if I explain a little bit more.
This person is really close to me, we grow up together, she is older than me, but I've been holding her hand for the past 25 years. Now I need somebody's hand to hold me and she is not there.
She hasn't been abused, she has depression but is not a major issue in her everyday life. I can say all this because I know every detail.
So what really pissed me off, was that when I needed her she turn things around and tried to portrayed herself as a "victim of everything" just so she doesn't have to help me with all my crap.
And yes, I'm taking my distance. It's really hurting, but after all this time, now I know who are really interested in helping me, and who are just there.
Thanks again!!!! I really apreciatted everything you wrote.
((Myself)) it was really interesting to read about you and I have so much to say, but again; my mind is gone sometimes, I'm sorry
Love xoxo

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( biplol ))))))))

thank you

your friend may not be able to help what she is doing. part of being depressed is basically feeling the same feelings that come with being an abuse victim like feeling helpless, the world is out to get me because nothing goes right for me, everyone telling me to get over it, snap out of it so they dont understand what I hve gone through, the least negaitive comment does feel like being victimized.

And also I had a best friend all my life from 4th grade to adulthood and neither one of us realized the other had been going through physical, sexual and or emotional abuse all those years when we were basically "joined at the hip" type friends. We found out that each other had gone through abuse one day when she showed up to a workshop that I was working on and was a guest speaker at. After the workshop we sat down together and it was just amazing all the things that went on right before each others eyes but because we had both been in the same situation we didn't pay any attention to what was happening, for us it was normal what was going on because that was how we were raised. so please don't assume you know EVERYTHING there is to know about your friend. Give her the benefit of you caring about her. You probably know yourself what it is like when people don't believe in what you are saying so lets through out the window that you don't believe she is a victim only she knows that and focus on the fact that she isn't there for you right now.

She may not be there for you right now because her problems are more than she can handle so taking on someone elses problems may and could send her over the edge.

So you know you can't depend on her right now. Sit down and brainstorn - write down the names of all your friends, physicians, therapy professionals and so on and start putting your efforts to help yourself thier way.

One way you could start is what I did. I contacted each of my friends and said "I am making out an emergency list of people that can help me in an emergency, The people on this list will be people I contact just to talk, or when I am in crisis mode be it mental or physical, would you like to be on that list and what can you offer me by being on that list"

Then when you have the list completed you will know what type of problems you can take to which friend and or specialist so that you will not have to worry again about having no one to go to when you are feeling like you are now.

Hang in there.

[biplol]

((((Tanya)))) Thank you so much!
Myself, let me be more clear, she is my oldest sister. We've been together for ever, and I can tell you that 75 % of her problems were brought up upon her just by herself. I was the one telling not to do this or that, not to go out with that guy, to think twice about everything.
And, believe me, I understand what you are saying and is really helpfull, but I'm tired of listening to the never ending whining.
I don't want to be a victim, it has been really hard for me to find out a month ago that I've been bipolar all my life, and now I'm almost 33. I just want her to get real about herself.
It's just too frustating.
Thank you so much, Just so you know, I'm taking care of myself, I'm trying to be the best that I can, but there is so much (with her) that I can do.
Thank you again!!!

you're welcome. I have sisters too and I never knew everything she did and we were closer then anything growing up. Sometimes she is a pain in the tush and sometimes she thinks Im a pain in the tush. But the one thing we both know is that we can't change eachother all we can do is change ourselves. When things irritate each other about each other we don't question whether or not what each other says is true and so on because that just ends up in a major battle between us. So intead we remember that we both had times when we were not right in the same room 100% of the time and had different experiences at times so our point of views are also going to be a bit different. So we accept what each other has to say as each others point of views. For example she was molested by some of the same abusers I was and I was raped my one of her molestors. but I wasn't in the room with her when she was being abused and she was not in the room when I was being abused so only the person (her or me not both because we were not in the room together) in the room with the abuser knows what happened. She did not know all those years I was being abused and I didn't know all those years she was being abused. It wasnt until I was an adult and was seeing my first therapist that her and I really talked about things and let each other know we had been abused.

One thing I also know about sisters is that the older one NEVER listens and takes advice from the younger ones, younger sisters are supposed to take advice and listen to the older ones, older siblings boss around the younger ones so you could have told your older sister don't do this and don't do that to your dying day and she would not have listened to you.

Yes you are right you need to take care of yourself so you know now you can't depend on sis for help and so on. That doesn't make her a bad person. just like being here at psych central people help others as they can but must put themselves first. Your sister is putting herself first just like everyone else experiencing problems regardless of if its theor own creation of problems. Which by the waay I am a believer that people dont create problems without an underlying real problem somewhere that needs to be taken care of. If the persons needs were being met and they had no real problems they would not be creating problems. iot just that people who create problems have learned they get the attention they need to take care of the real problems by creating more drastic faked problems. you said yourself 75% is her own doing so that means there is 25% of very real problems that your sister is trying to take care of - granted in a negative way by creating more problems but Your sister is doing what she needs to do for herself and now you need to take care of yourself.

Since your sister can't be a resource for you right now its time to look elsewhere for help and resourses - your other friends, therapy professionals and other agencies in your area that help take care of those problems.

As for having to listen to your sister it is ok to tell her right now you have your own problems to worry about and then walk away from her and on to the help that you need for you. Focusing on her negative behaviour doesn't do you anygood and theres nothing you can do to change her so try changing your focus off of and out of her negative behavior to the positive of 25% of her problems are real and she is doing what she thinks she has to and changing you to the positive of getting t he help you need in other ways since she cannot do that for you.

Hang in there.

Hang in there.

[biplol]

(((((myself)))) Thank you so much!! I have to say, I don't agree with some of the things, just becuase my and my sister's lives are totally different, I really appreciate it you telling me so much and sharing so many feelings.
I'm sorry you and your sister had to endure such horrible things, but I can see how well you are doing and how well you want to be.
I'm trying really hard to keep my support circle as pure as possible!! and I have some good people there, beginning with my hubby.
Thanks again, you are an inspiration!!!

you're welcome hang in there

[Bethsway]

biplol...maybe your friend isn't as strong as you want her to be for you...or maybe she is more self centered...anyhow, hope you have someone that is there by your side that truly cares! We care here too...!

[Evangelista]

((((Myself))))



Eva

[Perna]

I think some whiny people are that way all their lives, it's part of their character. Sorry your sister is that way. My husband's first wife is that way. Everyone had a joke, don't ask her "how are you?" or she'd tell you in infinite detail. It's impossible to get her off the phone or get a word in edgewise, etc. Some people don't "do" enough in their own lives so don't have much to talk about except complaints and other people's doings, etc. But it's hard to get someone else to pay attention to our "don't do that," people have to make their own mistakes (but then it's hard to have them complaining on and on after you told them and knew it would be a mistake :-)

I would just practice not getting "sucked in" by your sister anymore and her dramatics; I'm glad you have your husband and others helping you. It is sad you've listened to and helped her in the past and now she can't understand she's not there for you.

[biplol]

((bethsway)) I think is a little of both. And Yes thank God I have people that can support me right now.
((((Perna))))Where are you? how do you know that that is excatly the way I feel? lol, thank you so much!!!!

((((((((Evangelista)))))))