From Victim to Survivor!

From victim to survivor:

<font color=blue>The way a person handles a stressful situation, such as a domestic violence attack or rape, can vary from person to person. However, the emotions expressed tend to be similar in nature. The following is a list of emotions and feelings that tend to be present after abuse has taken place.</font color=blue>

The emotions of the abuse survivor:
Guilt:
<font color=red>Very often, survivors will recall particular situations and make statements like "I should have known…." Or "If only I hadn't…." Sometimes, it is easier to blame their own behavior, then to admit that their abuser was truly to blame.</font color=red>

Shock and Disbelief:
<font color=red>Sometimes, the survivor will have an incredibly hard time facing the fact that the abuse has taken place. Often, the survivor will make excuses for their abusers behavior.</font color=red>

Lack of Control:
<font color=red>During the attack, the victim was entirely without control. This fear of helplessness may extend into other aspects of their lives, for varying amounts of time.</font color=red>

Fear:
<font color=red>Fear is the biggest tool used by an abuser to receive and maintain control. This fear is not only of bodily injury but of death as well. Many survivors say that the reason they didn't fight back, or did not receive help right away because they were fearful that their abuser would injure or even kill them</font color=red>

Humiliation:
<font color=red>The survivor may feel dirty and ashamed, especially in cases where sexual abuse has taken place. Many things that took place during the abuse can be hard, or embarrassing to talk about.</font color=red>

Branded Syndrome:
<font color=red>The victim may feel that everyone around him/her can tell that they have been abused. In cases of male victims, the abuse itself is not nearly as bad as the fear of other people finding out about the abuse. </font color=red>

Anger:
<font color=red>Anger is a common feeling that develops after an attack. Anger is a healthy and common reaction for a survivor, as long as the anger is not aimed at themselves. Anger can be a helpful tool for regaining the strength and the courage needed to get back control of their life.</font color=red>

Physical symptoms:
<font color=red>Aside from the symptoms associated with the abuse itself, some other physical symptoms will develop that are directly caused by the emotional stress. Some common physical symptoms are: muscle tension, headaches, stomach pains, nausea, appetite loss, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and nervousness. </font color=red>

<font color=blue>Feelings most frequently experienced following a sexual assault
Fear:</font color=blue>
<font color=blue>Of being alone
Of the rapist returning
Of places and people that remind of the assault
Of others finding out
Of men, or women, in general
Of having to report the crime, or of going to court
Of their own anger
Of going to sleep</font color=blue>

<font color=blue>Guilt
For having "caused the rape"
For not fighting more
For being "stupid" enough to get into that situation
For all the feelings they feel</font color=blue>

<font color=green>Anger
<font color=blue>At society and the legal system
At significant others for not understanding
At the abuser
At the disruption in their life</font color=blue>

<font color=red>Shame, embarrassment
The feeling that everyone can tell, just by looking at them, that they were the victim of an assault</font color=red>

<font color=purple>Betrayal</font color=purple>
By abuser
By significant others

Lack of trust
In their own ability to make judgments

Powerlessness and depression
Feeling as if things will not get better
Feeling totally victimized
Feeling helpless

<font color=blue>Tools for coping</font color=blue>

<font color=red>Be gentle with your own healing process: You, and only you, know how you are feeling and how you are coping with the aftermath of the abuse. Allow yourself to feel however you need to feel, whether it is feeling angry, sad, or regretful. These feelings are all perfectly normal for abuse survivors.
Give yourself time for healing: The pain and the emotional turmoil, following abuse, does not go away overnight. Instead, it is a long and hard process all survivors must go through in order to heal and move on with their lives.
Try to understand and express your feelings: Your mind, body, and soul are all going to have certain ways of coping with the abuse. Taking a moment every now and then to acknowledge these feelings and behaviors is a good idea for coping.
Listen to your body: If your body needs a break, make sure to take one. The human body is a strong and resilient machine, but in order for it to be at its absolute best, it needs to be taken care of. Taking a few minutes in your day to do something you enjoy, or just taking a minute to relax, can make a world of difference in your recovery process.
Identify your support network: Try to be aware of supportive people in your life. Knowing whom you can, and cannot talk to, will allow you the opportunity to share feelings-a necessary part of recovery.
Express feelings through writing or art: Capturing your feelings at a particular moment can make it easier to get the most out of therapy or counseling. Often, a person will go in to see their therapist or their counselor, and be unable to explain the feelings they were having before. Writing these feelings down, or expressing them through artwork can really help you heal, as well as help your mental health care provider offer the best and most effective treatment.
Victim survivor rights

You have the right to decide what happens in your life at any time
You have the right to decide what you want to do about the abuse. People can give you options, but the decision is entirely yours
You have the right to decide whether or not you will report the crime to the police and how you want to report it
You have the right to decide who will know about the abuse and when.
You have the right to be informed at any time by the police and/or the district attorney as to the progress of your case at any time
You have the right to have a support person with you at all times, and you have a right to choose who that person will be.
You have the right not to be a "victim" for the rest of your life. You were a victim, but now you are a survivor. </font color=red>

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

The one sympton that was not listed is the fear of not being believed when things finally come to the open ... Specilly when your husband is charming, good looking and "nice".
How dare you acuse him of such thing?!!!!

I guess it doesn't matter he used to physically fight with his mom when he was a teenager. Oh! It also wouldn't matter that his own mom told me her only fear was that he would be abusive of his wife.

gab

God looking at the coping strategies are easier. It is actually trying to live them out that is the hard part.
There are so many days that I still feel like a victim and some like a survivor. It is funny though because in all of the work I do with sexual assault I always refer to the woman as a survivor. It is only with myself that I think differently.
So hard sometimes.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

Gab,
That is a very good point, i'm glad that you ponted that out.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

You are right shakes, it's harder to live them out. I've had a hard time with that as well.
I feel more like a survivor then a victim, I felt like a victim 3 month ago, but not no more I refuse to let the 9 guys win, screw them. I'm tired of them having control over me, and life in general, enough is enough, and I wont step down no matter what.

Never again will I be hurt like that. I wont let it happen.

I know what you mean by saying it to someone being a survivor, I use to always no matter what had a hard time telling myself that. Even if people directly told me that I was, I would belittle it in some way.

But not no more.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Sundance,
That is awesome. Good for you girl!

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

I would add to that: the fear that (1) you are going crazy (2) the abuse didn't really happen and you're making it up. I'd also add guilt for admitting that you've been abused, which seems to happen to a lot of us out of loyalty to abusers that we have loved.

Thank you for sharing Sundance! You are so awesome! You always have interesting, touching, and helpful information--- and you always know just what to say to help a friend in need.

Do you mind if I print off a copy of this, and of the meditations for women survivors of abuse?

SweetCrusader

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

I've had this said to be by the ex .. "the abuse didn't happen, I don't remember doing that"

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Me too! and I haven't even use the word abuse!
this are my fears in regards to abuse:

1- Nobody will believe me since he's so nice, good looking, sweet, etc.
2- I'm not sure it isn't my fault for allowing it to go this far. I chose to allow him to treat me this way, right?
3- It is possible that it is not abuse, maybe is just the type of dynamic in our relationship. (I made it up in my mind so it isn't real abuse , is just a rough relationship)
4- I'm crazy, I shouldn't see things the way I do.

How about that?

gab

I hate that first reason!! People just assume that because a man is good looking that he cannot be an abuser. In the work Ive done I constantly heard examples like "the girls are always all over my buddy so why would he have to rape someone?"
So many people still do not understand that abuse is about power and control.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

My abusive ex said one day when I was talking to him on MSN (long story) out of the blue, he asked me "why are you telling people I abused you???" Guess he was feeling guilty over something huh...

I also hate it when someone says to just "get over it" ARGH pisses me right off!!!

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

People who have no experience with sexual abuse or it's effects has no idea what it feels like to be a survivor. I read this amazing book once that had a quote something like....I could not tell my parents or friends that I was still in fear everyday. They needed to know that I was alright because the burden that I was not was too much to bear.
The idea of abuse to most people is so terrifying that they do not want to think about it let alone discuss it. By a survivor talking about their experiences it treads on others fears. We get told to suck it up so others do not have to experience what we do.

Grrrrr.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

For me only like 3 or 4 people know about it, excluding my family. Well my sister knows, my mom knows of the past abuse, but not that I have ptsd and all the triggers etc that I go through. The only person that knows that in depth is my psychiatrist.

Don't want people to worry, especially since recently i've got it under wraps. Let's hope that it stays there.

<font color=red>~</font color=red><font color=blue>S</font color=blue><font color=green>u</font color=green><font color=blue>n</font color=blue><font color=green>d</font color=green><font color=blue>a</font color=blue><font color=green>n</font color=green><font color=blue>c</font color=blue><font color=green>e</font color=green><font color=red>~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

What you've provided is wonderful but I find myself in a much different situation. 6 months ago the man I lived with for 21 years assaulted me. I had him arrested, got a permanent restraining order, then moved from NJ to Arkansas. It was the first time he physically assaulted me and it was the last time. He's got a drug problem (meth) and I know his behavior is because of the drugs but I don't excuse his behavior. He called everyone in my life and threatened them including my doctors, family, accountant and attorney.

I'm having trouble with 2 things now. The first is trusting my judgement about people. I have no interest in going out and meeting new people because I was so wrong about my ex. I also lost my best friend because my ex called her and threatened her. I feel like I've made some very bad choices and don't want to take the risk of making any more bad choices.

The second thing I'm having trouble with is that I spend so much time thinking about the results of his actions. I don't know if I'm blaming him or me. I just know that I am in a financial hole because of what he did. And I don't know how to stop dwelling on it. I know that if I got out and did things, it would help but between my trust issues and my health issues, I can't bring myself to get out and get involved in new activities.

My brother and my best friend tell me I'm being too hard on myself and that it's going to take time. Am I expecting too much from myself to be farther along in the healing process?

ty for this most times I have disocciated from it all it wasn't me it happened to now for some reason my mind is not protecting me from it anymore and I am also in the I must have imagined and made this up phase denial seems to be the only way to survival, at least for me. I did get into therapy and we are looking at the issues tho

Do you have a therapist? I think it would be very helpful to work through things.

I saw a therapist soon after the assault. She told me I was handling everything better than most. I am now living in Arkansas and can't afford a therapist. I live on SSD and have no money. That's why I came to this forum.

You don't get medical benefits with your disability?

I do but I can't afford the $35 co-pay for each visit.