Just a victim

An acquaintance of mine called me out on playing the victim card tonight.

I feel like I keep whining on here about the same things, but I DO feel like a victim (part of the problem is depression). How else do you explain all of this:

1. 3 car accidents totaling my cars in less than 4 years, none of which were my fault, all unavoidable.
2. Losing both parents within 9 months of each other, both were 59.
3. Losing another good friend 2 months after my mom.
4. 3 horrible bosses in a row (I had co-workers from all three places together at a party recently, talking about how bad each of them were, trying to see which one was the worst - it wasn't just my opinion.)
5. Boyfriend of nine years left me for a married woman, they ended up getting married. His commitment problems seemed to go away when it came to her.

I can keep going on, these are just highlights. Don't mean to make it sound like no one else has stuff either. How in the world am I supposed to lose the "victim"mentality?

Ab1081, Everyones loses are personal to them....I guess at some point we all feel/felt like victims.....I remember someone said something once about a tree instead of having branches with leaves on, had brances with everybodys problems on and people were asked to dance round the tree and pick the persons problems they'd much rather have? Of course everyone picked their own back again...

Things do happen, %#@&#! happens, its what you want to do about your reaction to them? How you want to continue afterwards? As sad a loss and problems are, they happen a moment in time and then theres the rest of time to be lived?

I personally entered therapy because I wanted to live life alongside my problems, not forever underneath them..

Talking about our problems with someone we can trust, helps balance the focus of the whole of our lifes, the good bits too, because we know there are good bits too.

Its really up to you what you want to do, in that matter you are not a victim, its your choice???

i agree with mouse. look, i know it's rough in life. i had it rough, too. i was borf deaf and half blind with a heart defect that had to be corrected in a risky surgery when i was 6 months old, or i wouldn't survived. i was sexually assaulted by my dad when i was only 2 and a half. my dad never paid a time to my mom to raise a special needs child (me). i fell into a dark world of depression when i was 20 and spent over 2 years trying to find the right treatment. had to go through people who didn't understand a deaf person with depression. i had a stroke when i was only 33 a year and a half ago. i've fighting to stay afloat in the dark world of depression ever since the stroke altered my brain that ruined my medication's effectiveness. i'm still trying to find the right treatment for my depression. i'm not trying to play victim here, but yeah, i went through hell. but, i'm still trying to move on. my depression keeps me from doing that, but i'm doing the best i can do day by day. there are days when i can't get out of bed, but at least, i'm moving forward - even if it's only a crawl sometimes. if my life somehow makes you feel any better, i don't mind, really. doesn't change how i feel about myself because i know my life contains good parts. it's an art of making the good parts important, so they don't get overshadowed by the dark side of life. yeah, i've lost people, too, so i know the pain of loss. hope i'm making sense.

ab,
one of the biggest life lessons I'm trying to 'get' right now is that we all can make those lists. At times those events come crashing down in heavy loads.

I love what Mouse said 'live life alongside, not underneath her problems'

Mouse, if I'm catching what you're saying, I'm a victim ONLY if I agree wtih my thoughts that I am. What if I can challenge that though and tell that thought it doesn't belong, it doesn't define me? What if then?

wickedwings,
wow. your story touched me. It's beautiful what you are living: 'making the good parts important.'

so it's alot in the focus? it's about just simply agreeing wtih the good parts within me, and not the bad events that happened? [[[and it's so tempting to put my list down right now for you to read, to proof I am a victim also, but for today, lets do our best to focus on the good parts.

ab, you're a survivor.

Ab, these are really good posts to read...I hope they help...

Wicketwings, yes your story touched me also!

Gabby, Once you stop defining yourself as victim, well then the whole world is open for you to live how you choose to live!

The problem is that you are looking at all the crap as the "highlights" instead of the crap it is. Oh Lord, now I'm beginning to sound like my T.

I am the last one to offer advise since I can't deal with my own issues.

But just keep posting and posting and posting. Even if no one responds. Keep posting...over and over and over. Whining, anger, tears it doesn't matter. You are among friends and it may help.

All of this does help. I didn't mean to sound like my problems are more or worse than anyone else's - not at all.

However, I just can't seem to cope with them anymore or bounce back - it's not happening like it used to. I find myself in this gloom and doom mood, and think the worst is going to happen no matter what.

I do have bad luck. I've heard of a DVD called "The Promise". Has anyone watched it or read the book? I'm ready to try anything at this point. It's to the point where my friend's expect my bad luck. That's sad. Even when I'm being positive and not looking for it.

The only time I seem to bounce back is if I get good news. I need to learn to bounce back from the bad news too.

I recently watched "Just my Luck" kind of corny but it was entertaining at the moment...

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I didn't mean to sound like my problems are more or worse than anyone else's

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I for one certainly didn't take it that way.

What's The Promise about? I haven't heard of it or I have forgotten. Let me know.

The best that I can tell you about "The Promise" is to look at amazon.com or another site. It sounds too hard to explain. Something like "the energy that you put out in the world are what you get back in return" and "What you expect to happen will happen". I may try it out. Can't hurt.

I think there was an article in Cosmo about that recently, except they called it "the Secret". Basically that positive thinking and positive imaging of what you want will get you positive results, and negative thinking, and picturing negative things, will get negative results.

But what *isn't* taken into account are the myriad of biologically-based medical illnesses. It does not does not mean you brought this on yourself.

Ab, I didn't feel you were saying no one else has suffered...I feel you were honestly trying to work through why you feel the way you do....and just saying positive thinking is the answer isn't enought....its a process also to get to a place where one can begin to think diffently...its not something one wakes up to one morning and decides to feel...I had a lot of victim mentality and its taking lots of work to change...

Yeah, to my knowledge they're not selling it as a cure for depression. It would be kind of pointless, since the very nature of a depressive illness is to cancel out one's ability to think positively...

ab1018

A lot of major losses in a short time. It takes time and energy to move through those kinds of things.

Seeing oneself as a victim is a primary reason for therapy. It is precisely why I'm there. Here's a site I like that talks some about it in the question & answer section: www.guidetopsychology.com

My moods, too, will soar or plunge depending on things outside of me. For example, if a person I write to regularly on another site posts and I interpret the post to be distant (so it means she is sick of me, wants to be rid of me, etc) my mood can plunge immediately. Little things all day make my moods rise and fall and it's exhausting. Depression is the result of my victim thinking and I hope therapy will help me with that.

I really really like what mouse said about living life alongside our problems instead of underneath them. I often wonder how others do that. I tend to hide and isolate and so I'm in awe at those who have relationships and keep moving and setting and reaching goals.. in spite of..

ab1018 you have had a lot of devastating things happen in a short time. It isn't bad luck or the way your life will always be.


ECHOES

I think you may be thinking of the DVD called "The Secret" - it is also in book form.

Rick (our resident hypnotherapist) had suggested it to me and I got it and watched it and it was fabulous.

The basis of the movie/book is that you get what you ask for from the universe. Example, if you are in pain and think about the pain, the pain will get worse. If you keep positive thoughts it gets better. I did order my dvd on Amazon.

As an aside, when I get very depressed which I was recently, I tend to not be able to get out of my own sh**. This video helped. I find when I think of the positive things always get better and my depression is improving

-Tranquility

Tranquility,

Resident hypnotherapist......Hmmmmm Thanks for the ego boost.

The movie is an amazing movie. It does a very good job of explaining and giving examples of ways to change your life. All you have to do is want it and follow the path it gives you. I've all but made it a mandatory watch for all of my clients. It is a very motivational show that you will want to watch over and over again. Buy it and lend it to everyone you know, then tell them to buy their own copy. You will want to watch it more then once a year....

Rick

i often feel the same way, abs. i know my problems are far smaller than others, but they are MY problems and they hurt ME. i wish for once my life would go well. i sometimes get glimmers then it's all taken away. i feel frustrated and cursed. why can't i just have this, this one thing that would make me happy. please why can't i have this? it kills me and i'm finding it damn hard to bounce back too. i try to remember the good things, but unfortunaetly they are overshadowed and outnumbered by the bad. but i keep trying. there's not much else i can do. i guess i am always clinging to hope that it will be worth the wait. but this week is too hard for me. damn, last week was good, despite the awful headcold. hang in there.