[radio_flyer]

Let go of the past and face the future! ok...

I honestly do not understand why digging up the past is such a good idea. Is it not better to "let the past go" and focus on doing what needs to be done for tomorrow?

I do not understand why therapists believe that digging in a person's yesterdays will solve today's problems. The only thing in my life that was not tarnished was my childhood. That is until therapy digs up childhood sexual abuse. What I am saying is childhood had nothing to do with the why I ended up divorce twice or that I married abusive men. In my eyes, it would have been far better to deal with the issues of divorce and making a new life than to have spent years digging up the past. All of this digging has made me resent the time spent in therapy. And feeling ooo sooo slimy and dirty.. I thought therapy was to help one grow and be a better person, not come out wanting to hide under the covers.....

My memories of childhood was good. I was a happy child. A good child. Life was grand. so I thought..... So not only my "adult" life has been screwed up, I might add by my choices, but now my childhood is shattered.

I guess what I am saying is what good was it in my early 40's to recall yesterday when what I needed was help with dealing with the now. It feels like I have nothing positive to draw from now. Just junk.

Ok to to add.. I do believe if a person's past trauma is hindering their "today" life, then therapy would indeed be beneficial... A person has chosen to work on childhood issues and that is a lot different than when a therapist digs and digs and digs till they find as they call it "the root" of the problem.. ooooo yes and then the therapist tells one to "contain" or put bad stuff in bad memory box and put it away.. Heck that is what I did originally.. But I can't find the box or which box I neatly hid the memories.. They got out and haunt me... Allll thanks to therapy.....

Soooooo whyyyyyyy is it so important to dig up memories that have well been forgotten....??????????

[lavendersteph]

i see what you are saying i agree but sometimes we need to see if the past had contributed to the future it hurts because there are things we would rather forget but we are the one who choose what we do with our lives no therapy can change our decisions but if it bothers you so just let that therapist go pehaps there is another who can help i had a geat on in my teens who to figure out my rebellion he had my write in a journal everytime i got angry for no matter what reason i was to right in the journal i it helped i recieved the help i needed but i dunno i just hope everything works out for you . you seem like such a nice person well hugs and luvs steph

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
I honestly do not understand why digging up the past is such a good idea. Is it not better to "let the past go" and focus on doing what needs to be done for tomorrow?

I do not understand why therapists believe that digging in a person's yesterdays will solve today's problems.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

IMO - from my POV.....

I think many T dig up the past for so many people tend to remain with in their victim stage and then they become unable to live in today, therefore, the T has to dig up the past as a way to get the patient to see how they are letting the past (their wounds) control them in the present..... We some times need to understand where we came from so that we can see where we are going - so that we may create a different path other than the path created by abuse, sorrow, pain and often times rejection of a loved one.

Please read this story to see how the past does indeed effect us in the present, if we are not aware of how it is intertwined with our inner emotions / reaction of today if and when we do not heal from it.....
(Jill's Story) LINK: http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/content/downloads.asp


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Read these awesome BOOKS they will teach YOU how to HEAL with out digging up the PAST.... these two books became the turning point to my own recovery in healing from my abusive past after enduring eight straight years of counseling and hospital stays.

1.) Radical Forgiveness:
http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0970481411

2.) Feelings Buried Alive Never Die:
http://www.booksamillion.com/ncom/bo...pid=0911207023

I think your question is a VERY good one.

I agree with Rhapsody's reply about how "going back" to one's past may help them in dealing with things in their present day life. though in my view the emphasis is in the word --"may"!! I really don't believe therapy works for everyone-- and also one has to have a therapist that is able to help and not hinder one's well being.

My current therapist is an experienced (35+ years) psychologist with a couple books published. He only touchs on past things when I bring it up-- and often pushes me to be in the present and learn to deal with present issues and coping skills. He believes dwelling in the past keeps one stuck there. My T. even recommended a book called, "One Nation Under Therapy-- how the helping culture is eroding self-reliance". It questions just how helpful therapy is for most people-- talks about victims from Rwanda, Cambodia and also Vietnam Vets. A thought provoking book-- IMO.

Of course therapy is different for each person, --- some may heal better by delving into their past , while others benefit most when kept in the present and helped to learn new ways of thinking and coping. The question I wonder is-- how can one know which type is best for them???-- trial and error??? having the wrong type seems like it can put one back more than help---

well, this all just my opinion........

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
radio_flyer said:
Life was grand. so I thought.....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> That's why it has to be dug up; it wasn't grand and that did unconsciously influence you choice of crummy, abusive men. You had a crummy, abusive man in your childhood and kept right on trying to "fix" that only you can't fix the past with the present, you have to "go back" and help that poor, slimy, dirty-feeling little girl so she knows it's not her, that she's not slimy (never has been) and you have to make the dirt not stick anymore. Only then can she come forward and help the adult woman you have become be whole and choose men who aren't dirty, slimy-making, selfish, and immature. But it isn't really about the men, it's about you and your wholeness. You can't be whole with a lie in your past that you refuse to look at. It's there and has always been there. Covering up dirt on a wound with clean, white bandages does not help the wound, it just festers and eventually the pus and stink come through that bandage and the unattended-to gangrene means the leg has to come off entirely. You've got to clean the wound before it can heal.

Not sure what the commercial is for but it shows a man walking around with his wife stuck on his back...think of that body/weight as your past.

Some of us carry a 100 lb "body" of yuck around, some of us carry a 100 lb body of healthy muscle.

But we all carry something from our pasts on our backs.

Everyday. 24/7.

I didn't go in to T to work on childhood issues either. I crawled in there on my hands and knees in a total state of crisis.

I thought "three months tops" and I'll feel better.

I didn't want to deal with stuff I thought I had done a pretty good job of minimizing. But the stuff is sneaky and has a way of slipping out from the darkness to tug on T's arm.

And like you, I felt slimy when I had to look at things better left in the dark. Things that were looming. But I thought...no biggie. I'm tough. I can handle it.

It's like those poor birds caught in oil slicks. They are covered in black slime and cannot lift their wings to fly.

And the birds have no choice, the oil slick just shows up one day and bam...they're stuck in it drowning unless someone helps scrub off the oil.

It's a loooong haaaaard process.

I had no control once the oil slick consumed me but I was thankful to have T there to help scrub my wings/petals.

[radio_flyer]

Thanks everyone for your thoughful responses. I am sorting out thoughts and thinking now. I will get back to this when I have more control on my thoughts and stuff...

safe huggs to all that responded
I shall return shortly

[seeker1950]

HI, Radio...
I too remember feeling frustrated with my counselor because of his questions about my childhood, not wanting to delve into it, but instead get on with the present.
That was in my early 40's also. Now, 16 years later, I have processed a lot of my upbringing on my own, with a few other counselors along the way.
I realize, for example, that my choices in partners was directly linked to the conditioning I had a a young child, having no voice, and never seeing a happy home and loving parents, just fights, depression, struggle, and physical abuse.
Now, having processed all of that, I'm much more centered and content...sans partner! which will probably never be for me, but otherwise success in living.
LOve,
Patty

[(JD)]

While my T and I agree that to dwell in the past is NOT a good thing, nor is projecting myself into the future. I am here in the present. Now, when I'm working on an issue here in the present, and I can't seem to find the result I want, it does help to review some of the past to see where I may have learned a response to this type of problem (and possibly made it into a bad habit?)

Many ppl also think things about themselves, like they will never be able to change something, that aren't their own thoughts at all. Instead, they are opinions from others in their past, who made some offhanded comment or even constantly mentally beat it into them. Reviewing past events for this reason is good too, imo.

[JustAPixie]

If it bothers you then doesn't it mean you are still struggling with it unconsciously?..... Interesting question. My therapist works on my behaviour now, and if it's not normal then we will find out why and how to fix the problem now, he doesn't push me to talk about the past...

[AlteredState01]

I'm with ya, there. If we don't review what we did in the past that went wrong, then what is to prevent us from repeating the same behaviour we are essentially "trained" to do?

Dwelling on it, without "mindfullness" is not good. DBT term. Gotta look at it without judgement is what DBT tells you...

Being in the now is a really strange concept. On one hand, it helps one to focus, but on the other hand, how does one plan a strategy that will ultimately affects the future if there is no review of the past?

This one I really have a hard time wrapping my head around.

Can't see where this is an upsetting question, though.

Altered State

[kimthecatlover]

I had kept things about my past supressed for many years and not talking about those things almost destroyed me..until I had to 'face the music' about my past when I was hospitalized and also when I was sent to rehab for my eating disorder..talking about my past, the abuse and neglect I endured as a child, missing out on childhood things because of addicted parents and bad foster care, has helped me deal with the grief, sadness, and anger and find some sort of purpose in my life. Had my T's and counselors not made me deal with my past, things would be different, and in my case, not for the better.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Radio_Flyer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soooooo whyyyyyyy is it so important to dig up memories that have well been forgotten....??????????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

To see the patterns that you've set up for yourself, see the choices you made and make better choices next time.

You learned certain coping mechanisms that may not be healthy. Now you can learn more healthy ones.

The abuse may have kept you from growing emotionally. Now you can finish your growing process.

Knowing what you went through now gives you empathy and understanding for others that suffered the same injustices.

It gives you strength you might not otherwise have. It's the trials, the hard times, the exercising of your will that gives you that strength.

Knowing the time wasted, the joy missed, the love and protection not experienced in your childhood and all the rage and resentment that goes with that knowledge that makes you move forward and become who you really were intended to be. Without all the good extracted from those experiences, you wouldn't have exercised emotional and mental "muscles" to conquer other injustices in your life. It's given you increased strength and increased knowledge and understanding for the future.

ABOVE ALL, know that it WAS NOT your fault! You are NOT slimy, dirty or anything else negative. You can now take a negative experience and turn it inside out and find all the good that you learned from it. Seems to me you are on that threshold at this very moment. Take it from someone who has been there. You can take my hand and I'll lead you but it's YOUR choice. YOU have the power, the will and the stength to make that choice for YOU... Or... take someone else's hand better suited. The call is yours, Sweetheart!

[Boopers]

My 2 cents. T, I have to agree totally with you. I am in the same boat as you when it comes to the childhood and I refuse to live it , dwell on it or talk about it. I want to live in the future and with all my medical problems, I am trying to do my best to keep my mind healthy and let go of the past. I don't think I have had any problems that contributed to me keeping the past in the past. So, good question and again, I agree with you! Peace to you and your's.

Linda

[radio_flyer]

You won't believe this but everytime I come back to this thread and try to read my head swims and I can not concentrate on what folks have written. I will read a few lines and wham my brain goes elsewhere...

So I am making a promise to "me, myself and I" that I will grab hold of myself tonight, do whatever I need to do to relax, and get back to reading this thread and absorb what has been written...

Am thinking I may be having serious problems getting in touch with my "soft" side which may leave me vulerable. And I seem to be rejecting or maybe afraid of it. I do not know. I just know my head starts spinning.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Radio}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It means you're not ready to know whatever you think is written because the memories are too painful, Sweety. Take your time.

[radio_flyer]

ty (((((((((((((((((september)))))))))))

Amazing how one can get side tracked so easily. I spent the evening looking for my drivers license. I remember putting the license somewhere and remember thinking that o you will find them here. But where is "here".. It is like I hid them from myself so I can't drive. And I just started back driving short distances.... Ok you say why don't I keep them in my purse like normal folks.. Yes that is a good question. Thinks I may not be all that normal..

Anyway after looking high and low and still not finding my license I am sitting here reading. I have decided to read and digest one or two replies each day. That way by taking a lil bit at a time i won't get so overwhelmed and maybe I then can make sense of it all...

I have over the years asked my oldest brother to help fill in the lines, but my sister-in-law asked me to not question him anymore because it caused him to go into a deep slump or depression. My older sister even said it is a wonder we survived childhood. I asked her just what did we survive and she said she didn't know. So whatever it all is, it has to be well hidden in maybe forgotten memories.....

Oh i just had a brainstorm.. I am wondering if maybe the details or specific events are not necessary. Just acknowledge maybe life was not so grand and this is where I am now. With bits of not so good stuff and of course the good stuff. right??? Do memories get erased or forgotten forever? It isn't that I have not tried to find them, just all that is available is a black hole which is nothing. It is very hard to find something where there is "nothing".. So I would be beating myself up for no reason if things were just forgotten or maybe not even registered in the brain?

Thank you for understanding.. I do want to understand, see what needs to be seen, and move forward. I do not want to live my life as a victim. Deep down inside I want to heal the past. I do not want this dark cloud hovering over my head. I want to be set free. .

Hang in there ((((((((Radioflyer))))))

No memories don't get erased forever. barring a phsical health probelm that results in brain cell loss memories are stored forever.

It might just be that your brain knows you are not ready yet to know what all your memories are yet. Hang in there and take it one step at a time. Sometimes getting there slower is better then getting there faster and creating more problems in the process.

[SeptemberMorn]

Just like your driver's license, you've purposely misplaced your memories... but they're there.

What does your T say about your coping mechanisms? Has he/she suggested CBT? My heart goes out to you, Radio. Your memories must indeed be painful! My mother's instinct is making me feel like I want to protect you from those memories and I'm asking myself "Is there any other way to get around this??"

I don't know, Sweetheart. Who am I to say? Maybe it would be possible to change the way you react to things just by being aware of what needs to be changed and not knowing the "why."

When I found out what had happened to me, so many things started making sense to me. It was easier to change, knowing the "why" of things. It wasn't that I was faulty, it was THEM.

At any rate, it's your choice, your decision, your timing. YOU are in control now, not "them."

[radio_flyer]

I am not currently in therapy.. And when I was in therapy the pastoral counselor never mentioned CBT. I even doubt he has ever heard of it....I just wasted 7 years with that counselor. Every time I tried to quit he would put me on a guilt trip. Reasons I wanted to quit is because whatever method he was using was not helping me, as I was rock bottom when I started, and years into therapy i was UNDER the rock wanting to die. Bottom line is, he was not trained or experienced or qualified in dealing with the issues that he found necessary to dig up...... I found more helpful info online than i ever did in the years in therapy....... To be honest, I doubt I could ever again sit in a therapist's office again. And yes I know there are many good therapists and some not so good. Just the trust in therapy/therapists flew out the window.

Maybe it would be possible to change the way you react to things just by being aware of what needs to be changed and not knowing the "why

I would think there would have to be a way to change the way I react to things even when I do not know the why. Just I haven't found it yet. That is prob why I read so much mental health info online. Guess you could say I am searching for answers.

I think the reasons these questions are coming up now is because a lot of things was just left hanging while in therapy. Just one lil example of therapy.. k... We were working on childhood sexual abuse. k... Then out of the blue the counselor mentions his fav uncle is in prison for molesting children. And that it made him so angry that his uncle is not getting help when there is so much help available for the victims of sexual abuse.. And he talked most of the 45 mins about how awful it is for his uncle. I just sat there. I understand he cares for his uncle that molested children.. but telling me this was inappropriate. Bad timing. Wrong place. Wrong person... I just sat there and listened...
Losing my train of thought ..

I am ok... I am one tuff cookie ...
(((((sepember))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

ARGH!! I saw three ministers for help with my problems. Those three REALLY, REALLY messed things up for me! They are not trained in pshychology. They just take a couple of classes and that's it!!! You know the saying about a little knowledge can be really dangerous. How true!!

Hon, I think that when you finally get your fill of how life is for you now, you'll get the courage to find a new, GOOD counselor. You've got too much good going for you to live your life out like this. You deserve ever so much better!

In the Psychology Forum, Sky has a sticky on CBT. I've got the same list, but with more explanation and examples. Why don't you give it a read and see what you think... if you haven't already. I can help you with it, but I have to give a disclaimer here. I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL. All I can do is tell you what has worked for me.

It's your choice, though, Sweety. All in good time when YOU are ready. No pressure here, ok?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{RadioFlyer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[radio_flyer]

He no longer workes as a minister. He is a full time Certified Pastoral Counselor. At the time I did not know the difference from a T or Counselor or even Psychiatrist. I thought they all were trained the same way and they all knew the same info in reference to mental health...A friend from church suggested this guy. Also having his office in the church was a safe feeling for me. Would you believe I can not go into a church building anymore without having severe panic attacks. Not only did he mess me up, he messed up my son....

My son (6th grade at the time) and I walked in this man's office arm and arm. (my son was having problems dealing with the pending divorce is why he was in counseling)... Few months into whatever you want call what that so called counselor did, my son came home demanding to see his baby books and demanded to know why all the pages of his baby book were not filled out. That I did not love him. And he started venting all his anger at me... Some kind of good professional help.. eh??? Umm it was his father that never called him or picked him up. And when his father did pick him up his father would drop him at his uncle's house and leave to go on a date. My son would call me crying so I'd go pick him up.. GRRRRRRRRR at that counselor..

Anyway.. off to check out the reading material you suggested on CBT.... Thanks...

PS: MY HUMBLE OPINION is that preachers should stick to preaching and keep their lil heads out of the mental health field....

[radio_flyer]

Thank you sooooooooo much ((((((((september)))))))) for being so thoughtful and helpful... and understanding.......I do appreciate you a lot..........

huggggggs and

I saw a good message on a piece of artwork at a show Saturday:

It is good to look at the past, and the future.....
Just don't STARE!
Live Now!

I like that! I think it is beneficial to look at the past; it has made us who we are. And the future is where we want to go or who we want to be. Good things to look at and think about to help us achieve what we want to achieve.

[radio_flyer]

Thanks Echos..

I agree.. is a good message... I am trying Funny tho, I am trying to live now, and believe in the future, but maybe my past has influenced my tomorrows and is keeping me spinning or slipping in the mud......