[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I look for places to post and cannot figure where I fit in. I have so many, many problems now that I am wondering how I can ever feel hopeful again. I have posted many times about being in the throes of long term benzo withdrawal. It does consume me from morning to night. Undoubtedly I sound like a broken record. It's difficult for me to look at the depression forum.

I feel physically ill most of the time because of what I am going through. I have no tolerance to activity because of being stuck at home most of the time. I am divorced with 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren. I cannot have much of a relationship with any of them anymore for being sick all the time and the social phobia. Since this all started 19 months ago, my limitations kept me from being able to do things with and for my 13 year old granddaughter. Now after so many let downs, she wants nothing to do with me. That breaks my heart so deeply, we used to be very close. Just broken hearted.

My body is starting to really fail because of the drain of the insomnia. I believe it has made my diabetes worse, I have symptoms of heart disease sometimes. I am sick all the time lately so cannot eat anything hardly without being sick, lost of GI issues. This is really causing me a lot of concern. My new doctor is really incompetent I discovered, so here I am sick with no decent doctor. I am on a gluten free diet, so cannot have wheat and dine out like normal people. That is very distressing and expensive. I am too fearful to get out and exercise, fear having a heart attack and being around others that would judge me. Fear is what is ruling my life right now.

The only thing I do is go grocery shopping, visit my dad occasionally and visiting the kids is fraught with issues anymore. I think no one likes me anymore or wants to be around me. Obviously I have no social life. When I go out sometimes I just feel hideous. I cannot afford to get my hair done decently or dress well. I am almost 60, so definitely think there is no hope to meet another mate or make any new friends. I was always a young thinker, so I really do not fit in with people my own age. I used to be called attractive, I dressed nicely and was sort of a social butterfly. Now I don't know who this thing is in the mirror! I hate her!

I speak about my life in past tense. It really does feel over. I have a very low income which makes my quality of life poor. I don't think I could ever go back to my career, it was stolen by my mental illness which was brought to light and exacerbated by long term klonopin use. Basically life holds no promise of anything better. With no resources, money, therapists or doctors to help, how am I going to ever get better?

[thickntired]

I'm sorry you are at this point in life. I do think many members here feel or have felt all of what you're going through. I found that when I was fired for mania, removed from all my meds by a quack pdoc, and stopped taking care of myself or leaving the house I had to fight to help myself. For me, medications and doctors alone will never be enough to treat me or improve my quality of life. I know it's not easy, but I had to force myself to find ways I could improve by my own volition. The best thing I ever learned in the hospital was, I don't have to look far to find someone worse off than I am. Obviously, this didn't immediately change my life nor do I remember it all the times I should. I'm apologize if this opinion is offensive. For me though it helped when I stopped living inside my brain which amplified the hopelessness.

[shezbut]

Sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now.

I hope that you are able to find some healthy source of relief from the illnesses that are hounding you and causing such distress in your world. Perhaps a support group could help with the anxiety and self-hate? Hopefully, your doctor will start seeing things from your perspective soon!

Very best wishes to you.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

So pouring my heart out on these forums and laying it all out like open wounds does nothing but make me look weak and idiotic.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

So pouring my heart out on these forums and laying it all out like open wounds does nothing but make me look weak and idiotic.

Not by a long shot! I think it shows the humanity and sensitivity you have to offer. I feel weak and idiotic on a weekly basis

[shezbut]

No, I am sorry if I gave you that impression with my response to you. You don't look weak & idiotic. You do appear to be in pain and as though you're kicking yourself. I can relate to that, personally.

This thread is about you and whatever ideas that I may have to help you feel a little more hopeful towards your place in this world. Unfortunately, I'm not real creative or overcome with ideas to help. Maybe I'd be a millionaire if I were! j/k I do wish that I had lots of helpful ideas though.

Have you ever looked into DBT? While this therapy style was invented with BDP sufferers in mind, DBT has been proven to be rather helpful in a wide variety of mental illnesses. You may want to check it out and see what you think. Going about fixing the problems in a different way may be the right thing for you.

DBT Self Help

Gentle hugs to you!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Nothing you said gave me that impression. I just had a moment of feeling extremely helpless and like there is absolutely no help for me and no one knows anything to tell me how to get better.

I took DBT for 9 months, it was an intense program. I was going through serious turmoil during that time because of living with hostile family that didn't understand me. So how much I absorbed is questionable.

Why DO we attack and kick ourselves when we are so far down? I don't get that at all. I did force myself to get out of the house tonight, and maybe that helped. I so want to be able to go to my neighborhood Y and get involved in some exercise, maybe I would meet some people. I am just letting my anxiety keep me stagnant.

Also, maybe if I revisit DBT principles, I could adopt some of their practices. I lack self discipline for sure.

Thanks for the thoughts.

[shezbut]

I am taking DBT myself, and this is my 3rd time. Third time is a charm, right? While I was in the class for more than one year the first time, and just under one year the second time, I am grasping onto what they're teaching much easier now. I actually understand the concepts much better.

Personally, I have always struggled with self-hate, depression, and self-blame. I was able to recognize these feelings at first; second, I saw that I needed to accept my past; and now I can see that I am trying very hard and acceptance is a process. My point is that I have always grasped a hold of something very helpful from the DBT group/s.

It is great that you enjoyed getting out of your house. Kudos to you! I love your idea of becoming a member of your local YMCA ~ meeting new people and getting some exercise. Going to the Y really helps me emotionally. One tip: Start off with an exercise class. Those environments make it a lot easier than if one starts off in the weight room instead. Or, you can do both, if you want. {I made the mistake of going alone to the weight and machines room. It has perpetuated my pattern.}

Best wishes sent your way.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

I surely wish that I could go to DBT classes again. Where I took it last was a privately run center that took NO kind of insurance whatsoever. I won't get on my soapbox about the money issue. A few years ago it was around $125 a week which included a one on one therapy session. They had great therapists. That is completely out of my reach financially. I could go if it was free, otherwise I'm out.

I did have a little trouble with the "zen" parts of the program. I think I did benefit from it for a while, I was still on a lot of klonopin during that time which means my memory of it is shady. Shame isn't it?

It would help if I could afford a therapist right now, maybe I will find another insurance company that has lower or zero copays. It's that time of year to change insurances. That is another soapbox issue!

Maybe I would be 50% better and could cope with all this if I could get some sleep! This is day 5 of getting very little sleep. I doze off for a bit after 2 am then I am awake from 3am until way later, daylight until I get a little 3 hour nap. It is just not enough! Makes everything seem awful. Something's gotta give!

[thickntired]

I agree, good for you on joining the Y. Exercise is great for so many things. Don't get discouraged or set unrealistic goals. Just go at your own pace and enjoy yourself! My car died and I can't make it to therapy. I understand where you're coming from because I really miss my therapist. Here is a list of DBT books. I think a lot can be done without paying for a class. There are websites online as well. I'm teaching myself neuroplasticity which is overcoming chronic pain and MI by redirecting my thought patterns. I've never really tried meditation but I'll try anything especially if it's free and a tool I can carry and control.

http://www.amazon.com/Best-Dbt-Mindf...R225PPUEW3CCTI

[SnakeCharmer]

ForeverGirl, I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time.

I know you are suffering. I failed a friend going through benzo withdrawal because I got fed up with her still feeling bad months later. I thought she was dramatizing or faking or acting like a hypochondriac. I lost all patience.

Then Senator Ted Kennedy held congressional hearings about benzos and the long withdrawals -- up to two years. I had been completely ignorant and I soon realized that my friend was still suffering months after withdrawal began, that it was real and it would go on for several months more. But she did recover. I regained my patience and compassion for what she was going through, but I still regret how impatient I was until Senator Kennedy opened up my eyes and my mind.

But those hearings were years ago and most people today are as ignorant as I was all those years ago. We lose patience because of that ignorance, not because we want to stop caring. Your family, especially your granddaughter, probably are just as ignorant as I was and just as impatient as I was with my friend.

Here's an article from the Boston Globe on the subject, featuring a young woman who still has symptoms two years later. Maybe it will help you feel less alone. Maybe you can share it with members of your family. The article takes a little while to get to the point, but please bear with it. It's good.

When withdrawal is the hardest part - Health & wellness - The Boston Globe

It would be nice if your family understood and were able to provide you with love and support during this hellacious time in your life. But when people don't know any better, they sometimes behave in a less than noble manner.

For a little while, I behaved like a bad friend because I didn't know any better. When I got my act back together and my patience returned, my friend forgave me. She made it easy for me to become supportive again because even in her misery she was able to forgive me for failing her. I hope you can pull that same sort of thing out and offer it to your family if they've gotten fed up the same way I did. I didn't understand. Your family doesn't understand.

My friend did recover. She did get well and got her life back. It took a little more than two years for the symptoms to stop. There is hope if we can do something about the rampant ignorance about benzo withdrawal.

I wish you the very best. Please keep posting in as many forums on this site as you want to. It took me a while to find some forums that I like and other people liked me back. I don't fit in everywhere here at PsychCentral, but I've found a few places where I feel like a member of the community. Give it some time and you'll find your niche, too.

[SnakeCharmer]

As mentioned in the article ...

The risks [of benzo withdrawal,] remain little discussed, some patients say. Page [the patient] finally understood her symptoms when she found the online support group Benzo Buddies, she said.

Founded a decade ago, the group has about 16,000 members around the world. Cofounder Colin Moran said the online forum was created because there was almost no real-world support at the time.

Benzo Buddies

Mission Statement

BenzoBuddies: an inclusive, nonjudgmental mutual-support environment for those who wish to withdraw from benzodiazepines.

Members of the BenzoBuddies community are encouraged to exchange ideas, information and support during the process of withdrawal and recovery.

Although outside of the immediate scope of BenzoBuddies, members are free to discuss their wider medical problems and needs as they relate to benzodiazepine use and withdrawal.

Taking or quitting any medicine—including benzodiazepines—should be a personal decision made in consultation with a suitably qualified medical practitioner.

Through a peer-support model, we strive to help members achieve their goals.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/

BenzoBuddies Community Forum

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php

Please pass the word along to anyone else who may be suffering benzo withdrawals or who may want to taper the dose down and would like support from those who truly understand the problem.

[Angelique67]

Another me too, thank you snake charmer for the links. It will be two years for me in about March or April, they tapered me very fast against my will and I'm in this weird horrible funk that won't end. Feeling horrible all the time and doing nothing but sitting on my bed. My place is a shambles and so am I.

You put your finger on the problem when you said the ignorance regarding benzo withdrawal. I probably can't say what I wish I could do to the nurse that put me through this.

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Wow, snake charmer, thanks for that informative and supportive reply. I never heard about the Ted Kennedy congressional hearings, I must see if I can find info about those.

Yes, my family dropped by the wayside a long time ago. I don't expect a 13 year old to understand if the 30 plus year olds refuse to try to. I have sent them articles, and even been ridiculed for that. I give up on them being supportive, just hope I do get through this before I jump off a bridge. I will remind them one day of how they gave up on me.

No one can understand or accept this, even on this forum, only the few that have experienced it. I have actually had people on psych central act as if I am exaggerating about the symptoms, they claim that withdrawal is not that bad and that they can quit anytime they want to. I was not advocating that they quit anyhow. I guess I am not surprised, ignorance about the matter is widespread and as you said, others' patience wears thin. When I do talk about it, I get silence or the deer in headlights look. They only comment on the obvious distress of the insomnia and lack of activity on my part. I do fear running people off with the talk so mostly I keep it to a minimum. My one sister has not spoken to me since March when she could not understand why I could not drive my dad around town to md visits. Really.

Not to sound sour on the world but I did get involved at benzo buddies for four months. They do get it and understand, however it is full of lots of miserable, angry people that want to lash out because they are hurting so badly. I get it, but I was singled out by one person for harassment and had to leave. It was a friend there that became a moderator, I was totally screwed! I have thought of changing my id on there and going back, but I don't know if it would be worth it. I went through a rough time during all that.

Thanks again snake charmer, your reply was very uplifting to me!

[Angelique67]

I've been thinking about you, FLG. Hoping you're doing better, even if just a little. Hugs!!!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by ForeverLonelyGirl

I surely wish that I could go to DBT classes again. Where I took it last was a privately run center that took NO kind of insurance whatsoever. I won't get on my soapbox about the money issue. A few years ago it was around $125 a week which included a one on one therapy session. They had great therapists. That is completely out of my reach financially. I could go if it was free, otherwise I'm out.

I did have a little trouble with the "zen" parts of the program. I think I did benefit from it for a while, I was still on a lot of klonopin during that time which means my memory of it is shady. Shame isn't it?

It would help if I could afford a therapist right now, maybe I will find another insurance company that has lower or zero copays. It's that time of year to change insurances. That is another soapbox issue!

Maybe I would be 50% better and could cope with all this if I could get some sleep! This is day 5 of getting very little sleep. I doze off for a bit after 2 am then I am awake from 3am until way later, daylight until I get a little 3 hour nap. It is just not enough! Makes everything seem awful. Something's gotta give!

I am sorry that finances have gotten in the way of getting some needed help for you. I wish that insurance weren't so darn complicated!

Definitely check out that website, for DBT, it is full of information & also very helpful. DBT Self Help

The other idea that I have is checking your area to find clinics and T's that accept patients on either a sliding-scale or pro-bono. It does take a little bit of research and time, but finding these supports is key.

Many years ago, I suffered panic disorder & had way too many crummy nights of sleep. My life was hell, and I didn't even have children back then. I can somewhat understand how hard things have been for you.

Thinking of you ~ gentle hugs

[cool09]

Has anyone in your family told you that you mean something to them or that they wish you were better? I'm in the same boat as you. I just go out for groceries and to YMCA to swim. I'm amazed that my brothers/parents don't have a clue how to handle problems or issues when someone in the family is ailing and/or poor. Seems like they head for the hills. And people in my community look at me like an alien. I know how you feel. Will any family members invite you to Thanksgiving dinner?

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Hi cool 09,
Good for you getting out to the Y to swim! Congrats. I wish I could put my fears to rest and start going. I am afraid if I don't go, afraid to go. Silly.

No my family does not tell me that they care for me or hope I get better. Both of my sons call me and talk almost everyday, so that is a blessing. Unfortunately I hear nothing from my only sister. She is one of those right wing conservative "Christians" that treats her only sister like scum. How christian is that? Thinking about her makes my blood boil. Having said that, Thanksgiving will be tricky. I only have a 2 bedroom small condo which makes having dinner here fairly impossible. Since going on disability income, I cannot even afford a dining table.

Last year, things were better and we had dinner at my sister's mansion. Compared to my home it is anyway. It is sad that our family is so divided. My mom died last year and our extended family is in another state. My son lives in the same house as my ex-husband, ugh. Who knows what the hell the holidays will bring.

Last year Thanksgiving and Christmas were awful for me. After buying a few gifts, I was too broke to buy myself groceries for a couple of weeks. Wish I could figure some way around that problem.

I hate to be negative Nancy, but there is no light in my life at all, non whatsoever. Nothing to look forward to, only dread the future.

It only makes sense to not really see the reason to suffer continued benzo withdrawal, may as well try to find something to help me be more comfortable. Just like an end of life situation. What a way to live!

[cool09]

I've never had trouble getting off benzos and I've used all of them over the past 28 years. I've used them in low doses. Been on klonopin 1mg/day for ten years (can't tolerate more than 2mg/day). I know they can cause problems getting off them. Are you on SSDI?

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by cool09

I've never had trouble getting off benzos and I've used all of them over the past 28 years. I've used them in low doses. Been on klonopin 1mg/day for ten years (can't tolerate more than 2mg/day). I know they can cause problems getting off them. Are you on SSDI?

I didn't either but my tolerance built so fast they were a waste of money. I have 5 mg valium left over from a year ago. They work as well as skittles. But, withdrawal from pot almost did me in it was so awful. This link is about paws and all the symptoms of withdrawal the stupid doctors never tell us when prescribing meds.

http://www.addictionsandrecovery.org...withdrawal.htm

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by thickntired

I didn't either but my tolerance built so fast they were a waste of money. I have 5 mg valium left over from a year ago. They work as well as skittles. But, withdrawal from pot almost did me in it was so awful. This link is about paws and all the symptoms of withdrawal the stupid doctors never tell us when prescribing meds.

Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies

Thanks for this link. Lots of good info. I tend to disagree with a lot about the physical symptoms, I know that everyone is different. Since mental distress can definitely ramp up physical symptoms, it makes complete sense. Then I get REALLY frustrated when I read posts like the above one. "I have no trouble coming off benzos". Then you also agreed, but I think most every human being would have withdrawal symptoms in some shape or form, especially if you had taken a fairly high dose for many years. From my understand, long term uses causes changes in your brain chemistry.

I'm not sure what folks are trying to say to me when I am going through such hellish withdrawal that I have a very low quality of life right now, when they tell me that they don't have any trouble whatsoever stopping. What am I supposed to say to that? Or are they trying to say my experiences are invalid? I have gotten that before on these forums. I guess I do feel like a freak because this has completed taken over my life, making everything seem awful.

[Angelique67]

I wondered that too, what is the point of their saying they have no trouble quitting when you make the point that it's been hell to quit with no end in sight. I'm wondering if there may be some denial there, with the other poster. I am wondering if I'm dying and you said it perfectly. This is like an end of life situation. I don't see an end in sight or any hope of one and I'm just stagnating, sitting on my bed and panicking when I'm not. The symptoms have lessened, changed, increased so many times I have no idea what to expect anymore. I'm trying to get myself to ignore the panic long enough for basic functioning but it is almost impossible.

[thickntired]

I didn't get addicted or have withdrawal from valium because I took it for so long it quit working. I see your point, but I mentioned pot because that was my horrible withdrawal. The medical community states that pot is only psychologically addictive. Almost everyone says oh pot is no big deal; I quit with no problems at all. So, we were in the exact same situation. I gave been physically addicted to drugs and they were not half as hard to quit. Cigarettes and alcohol combined were easier to kick than pot!! I was pointing out a correlation. When I quit pot it was like taking the lid off a pressure cooker. All the problems I'd escaped slammed me in the face. My first year sober I was in the psych ward twice. And, as you stated yes long term abuse does change brain chemistry that's the definition of paws. In Cali brain scans were done on people who shoot meth. The pleasure center in the brain can take a year or two to reset back to normal. This explains high relapse rates. Addicts go to rehab for 90 days and are not given this info or the tools to expect and handle a long term recovery. Society thinks pot is a gateway drug, but it took me a long time to recover. I have been smoking it for 30 years, so you shouldn't have near as long of a problem.

[Angelique67]

I was on benzos for 30 years, for a time I was taking 13 to 14 mg of Klonopin per DAY and drinking alcohol with it! But I was not referring to you, but to another poster. I hope your pot withdrawal has finally eased. Hugs.

[thickntired]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I was on benzos for 30 years, for a time I was taking 13 to 14 mg of Klonopin per DAY and drinking alcohol with it! But I was not referring to you, but to another poster. I hope your pot withdrawal has finally eased. Hugs.

I would have a wedding or party to go to and take valium because I have awful social anxiety. They I'd end up drinking on top of the pills. It was awful because I'd always blackout or make a complete idiot of myself. A lot of people die that way by accident.