Here are some things I just had to write (from notes past). I don't think anyone else around me have any of these problems. These are my everyday life experiences/rants, how I suffer daily...just for your enjoyment (inherent fearing that the reader's gonna ridicule me too):

When someone walks towards me I feel awkward. I look down or in an other direction or away from the person. That is how it is on the streets or outside. I don't want people to even look at me. I can't stand to maintain eye contact, in fact, I don't want to look at anyone for more than a brief moment that is unavoidable. To avoid attention. Can't stand being around a lot of people for long. Some sort of "physical pain" just happens unexpectedly because of them and I don't like that. Maybe it's because people don't feel natural to me, but like a different species. When they're not around, and I'm completely alone, I seem to finally get back to life in a very minimal way, otherwise I'm drained and broken. It is not 'happiness', but just a sense of solace or relief of finally being released from the pain or annoyance of others. A sense of liberation, if you will. It's like I can't enjoy life on any consistent level, and that's the only time when I can have a peace of mind...though even then, that does not last for too long.

I don't know if it was because of that, but after shopping (in the store that's just a couple of blocks away, lol, don't even have it in me to go very far) I've noticed that after coming home, it was like as if I ran a few kilometers. What's with the sweat? Other times the cold gets me so nicely that I feel I'm totally frozen. I really don't get this.

I'm so self-conscious that if I hear one little laugh I will automatically feel it was directed at me; about how awkward I am. Not just that, but I keep feeling that I'm being a conversation topic (even though in reality they probably don't talk about me but other things, yet I keep feeling it's about me)...Therefore, when I'm out in public I start to feel like everyone is noticing me and judging me. It's why I spend so much time hiding in a room all the time. Or is that an excuse? Yes, one loves excuses.

I just cannot find the strength I used to have. It 'feels' like I'm not even half of what I've used to be. It's all very exhausting. I have nothing to live for or nothing to look forward to. I never look forward to the next day because I know it's going to be exactly the same as everyday. Meaningless. Nothing changes. Usually, I'm just slacking through the day, not doing anything in particular. Everyday when I wake up I'm feeling of not wanting the day to happen and wishing I would not exist anymore. I often get late because of not wanting to go anywhere (reluctant). Nothing to look forward to or be excited about. Living the same day on repeat, and I don't feel any progression, but stagnation or withering instead - just getting worse day by day.

I've lost the ability to care about anything. When I do, I feel like I'm only faking it and not 'giving it my all'. That is why I don't care about the past hobbies anymore, just on a whim, and for a very little time. What helps me is trying to find a way to make myself care again, like that, but I just can't. I've tried only to realize that no matter what I'm doing, it does not mean much in the end to make me feel any better. I can't feel any sense of success or accomplishment or joy, regardless of the result. Memories also like to evade me, as I'm very forgetful of where do I put simple things or forget about events.

I've been constantly feeling just this huge emptiness and like I have no importance at all or like my life or even myself as a person doesn't matter. The great thing is that these thoughts are the only things left to remind me that I also exist. Things are too much work and no one understands the way I feel. But that's just as usual as everything else. Simply, I'm a ghost that just keeps observing things. Because I don't exist as a 'person', I can observe the world detached, and I still only feel that it's just a bad dream where good things are too brief and weak to last.

The only thing I feel arduously is misery and hopelessness. Total resignation, in other words. Sadness does not seem to be there anymore, been years since I've actually cried. At best, a tear is all. So yeah, I came to the conclusion that I'm beyond help, and no matter what I do, I will always be screwed. I am always trying yet still never getting anywhere.

There is this popular guy who keeps talking to me...sometimes, not often, just sometimes. Though I can't do much smalltalk...That's the latest situation where it's been proven how much I lack socially. I don't have anything to talk about and my mind just feels blank...except for those anxious thoughts, maybe. But not even those ones appear often anymore, just the physical pain. It's as if I have to literally force-these-thoughts and string-the-words-together one by one. Even here, writing this takes me hours of time, even days. For me, it's very difficult trying to come up with a response, so I'd rather just go for a simple yes or "is that so". I don't know what an adequate response would be. I don't know how to approach anyone (regardless of online or offline), and I don't even want to, so it's up to them to talk to me, if they'd like.

In the very end, I don't have opinions and I don't argue. No personality here. Not being able to express yourself is why I have started a dozen of projects (little games or other artist stuff) and left them unfinished or got rid of them as I couldn't continue. Do you understand what it's like to be vulnerable at all times? Completely exposed to this big bad world like a helpless baby...Or to be trapped in this mind and let it experience from a detached perspective? Such as I was being able to 'step outside' and see what this dude (myself) was doing at that moment. Stepped outside the body, or I thought I did...This is what happens when you're secluded from people for too long...

So the only thing I can say with certainty is that this life is all over. It could have been, but it wasn't. As if God had already played the few songs on my instrument and threw me away. So I became forgotten and broken. I'm already dead, yet I exist. And that is the way of this life...I'm still doing what I can, even in this "given up" state, but it's not much, actually...

[Lexi232]

No, youre not the only one
ive gone through some times like that as well. i am socially awkward, and i have issues with eye contact. i barely look at people. theres also been times that ive had dissociation issues (and kind of still do), i might not be able to relate to it all, but a big part of it, i can. and ive known of others too, so rest assured, youre not the only one.

[psychmgmt]

I thought I was reading something about myself. Wow. I go through the same things, especially feeling like everyone is laughing or talking about me. I would walk around with a knot in my stomach. Imagine living with two other 'friends' in an apartment where it's hard to find quiet space. I don't know how old you are but after my first year at college I went back to my hometown and lived with my parents for the summer. I told them what was going on with me and they provided a safe environment. I had a hands on job with few co-workers so it felt like I had some purpose completing tasks everyday. I came back to school this year and have made some improvements. I would recommend having a safe person to talk about what's going on and something to give you a sense of purpose (sticking to one of your projects and completing it). A pet is also another option that you could try. It would give you something to love.

Originally Posted by Lexi232

No, you're not the only one [...]

I know that. But may I assume there are not many who are like me? I had no idea for the title, as I've been wanting to die while at it -

Originally Posted by psychmgmt

I thought I was reading something about myself. Wow. I go through the same things, especially feeling like everyone is laughing or talking about me. I would walk around with a knot in my stomach. Imagine living with two other 'friends' in an apartment where it's hard to find quiet space. I don't know how old you are but after my first year at college I went back to my hometown and lived with my parents for the summer. I told them what was going on with me and they provided a safe environment. I had a hands on job with few co-workers so it felt like I had some purpose completing tasks everyday. I came back to school this year and have made some improvements. I would recommend having a safe person to talk about what's going on and something to give you a sense of purpose (sticking to one of your projects and completing it). A pet is also another option that you could try. It would give you something to love.

Yeah, that sounds nice. If you're really interested, I'm in school as well, but not college, just a course (in vocational training/education). I don't really care too much about it though. It feels pointless to me, because like I said I don't have any passions left whatsoever. That means I don't feel value in anything. Quite hard to do a simple task when you're like that. I don't feel adept at it at all and have trouble listening nowadays. I don't know why I'm there. Was too lazy to do anything about it. I'll probably drop out this year, as I'm not really in the mood for any exams at the end of the year..Or maybe not, but with this devil-may-care attitude, that's how it is.

To me, life is like a big joke, and I'm the only one who's getting trolled at with this much amount. Like the world is against me and makes me err all the time, no matter what I do...The force wants to beat me down, as if I had some power left to resist. Even further trolling is that in the city, I'm stuck in the medical district (no, not in a hospital, but there in an apartment), so I keep encountering patients and doctors on the streets, which always remind me that I'm also a life-long patient of an incurable sickness and weakness. "U mad bro?" I can hear that from the world laughing at those times when I realize I'm being trolled. But it's neat, life is trolling at its finest towards me, so at least I'm good enough for that. Especially in those social situations, well done, indeed, world.

As for a job, I don't think I'm eligible. I have no problem missing from school (truant)...as I don't feel good around people...and I don't think anyone likes someone who is as negligent or casual with one's duties. When I'm like 'that', there is no way I can attend to a serious job. Even if I could get a job...I couldn't deal with the people and the pressure/demand, and would probably be dismissed very soon. That environment is not for a shut-in, let alone for 'someone like me' who feels worthless and useless most of the time. So it's not like anything could change, it's a static loop, regardless of how you look at it.

I don't seem to love my parents, so I rarely talk with them. They don't understand me. They never had these 'inner problems' from the start. Just like all the other people, they 'feel' like strangers. I don't have 'an important person', and I don't care. It's better to be loveless. No one can ever become important to me. Here again, I can only fake the care for some time...I can't seem to love people or even pets. I'm just as disinterested about them as in the past.

As for the sense of purpose, that sounds fun and fine, but I can't enjoy anything I'm doing. I can only feel the tedious work, but no reward or happy feeling. When I'm doing something, I'm only doing for the heck of it, but it never pleases or affects me. Thus, why the self-imposed pressure when one can laze around doing nothing but wasting time? I can't stick to routines, I'm not like the other people. That's why I find the timetable annoying, I'd prefer if it'd be dynamic and always changing.

I try not to think about anything...I'm slightly better now, but still not "lively". That rarely happens. At the start of December I just had those creative impulses that are no longer there...duh. Figures I still can't express myself...

"Can't express myself". Really? I think you're amazing. I can FEEL your pain. You use words to paint the most vivid picture I have ever seen. Your post transported me back in time. A time when I was feeling EXACTLY like you're feeling. I'm going to write some lyrics to Gloria Gaynor's I AM WHAT I AM.

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I have to have a little pride in
My world
And that's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am

[gayleggg]

(((((((NotTooShabby11)))))))

[psychmgmt]

NotTooShabby11

Sent you a PM.

[avlady]

Love it. I felt the same alot

Originally Posted by kindness

"Can't express myself". Really? I think you're amazing. I can FEEL your pain. You use words to paint the most vivid picture I have ever seen. Your post transported me back in time. A time when I was feeling EXACTLY like you're feeling. I'm going to write some lyrics to Gloria Gaynor's I AM WHAT I AM.

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook
Or the ovation
It's my world
That I have to have a little pride in
My world
And that's not a place I have to hide in
Life's not worth a dam
Till I can say
I am what I am

I am what I am
I don't want praise I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise I think it's pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
Why not see things from a different angle
Your life is a shame
Till you can shout out I am what I am

I meant I can't express myself of how I'd like to...but that's probably how artists often think. Neat poem BTW.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

(((((((NotTooShabby11)))))))

What are you doing?

Originally Posted by psychmgmt

NotTooShabby11

Sent you a PM.

...I'm a bit slow to answer.

Originally Posted by avlady

Love it. I felt the same alot

Not for nitpicking, but...what do you think can be done about it?

Edit: And now, once again, in the same state, some headache and no motivation. Can't do anything today either, duh. I'd like to do something, but this idleness kills me.

Ever since I've been a kid, I've lost everything (gradually or not) at one point. I don't talk with other people most of the time, nor do I get involved. The only reason I still keep on living is to help the world progress in some way, even if I'm aware that such is a vain hope and I'm unneeded.

When I said it'd be nice if I died, mom said "people rely on me", but I don't think that's true, as I don't deal with people anymore. I can't find a single human in this world who would need me. The ones (just a few) in the past only came to me when they had problems. Therefore, it was all selfishness. They only nagged me because of their selfish motives. Now, they seem to get along fine on their own. What more proof do I need not to get involved? I deal with problems, not people. Whenever I deal with people, it makes no difference. I play in this drama when needed, but that's all there is to it.

In the past, I had intentions to help other people, but then I realized that there is nothing to be done about them. They are what they are, and so they cannot be altered in any way. Therefore, the point to deal with them is rather slim. What's more, I just have the faintest presence that gets overshadowed by the other people, so there is no reason for them to listen or understand -

Even if I were to pay attention and try to meddle in their affairs, they don't pay attention to me. I've tested this, and that is human nature. It is because I'm different. And people don't have much empathy or tolerance for things they don't understand, in fact, they tend to make fun of it. No matter what I do, no one remains to talk to me in the end. They all run away from me. They all flee. They never understand. Or perhaps they never want to understand. Even here, I don't think anyone understands. Otherwise, someone could reply in earnest.

I can sometimes 'step out' of my mind and observe myself as if I'd be watching my own self belonging to someone (or something?) else that I have no control over. While watching a family photo, I only see that everything belongs to that guy. The memories, the feelings, the thoughts...That can happen, and so I can realize "Omg, what this guy is doing there!" I can totally think about what defines me (no, him!) at that moment. No, this is not split personality.

As if I would not be in the body. So I keep finding faults in my self (what?) and criticizing everything I do, to get rid of 'that guy' who is in charge. Maybe you could say that...that guy is my remaining Ego, and I am the unattached Self. If I manage to get rid of the Ego, the Self will become free and liberated.

I can't enjoy anything I'm doing; I can't listen to the music with feelings, I can't understand the words I write, can't see the drawing I draw, nor imagine the story I depict...let me suppose that the others can, but myself, I can't. Why is it that they can, while I don't? It is because there is no personality here. There is no "I" involved. Therefore, it was never in my possession. I only borrowed it and shared. All of it belongs to that guy over there. I'm only waving from the distance, the real me, yo.

[Phinn]

That is how I felt most of my life you are not alone. I feel your pain. And I always want to die

Originally Posted by Phinn

That is how I felt most of my life you are not alone. I feel your pain. And I always want to die

Is there nothing else besides wanting to die? Just asking.

[darkpurplesecrets]

I've been constantly feeling just this huge emptiness and like I have no importance at all or like my life or even myself as a person doesn't matter. The great thing is that these thoughts are the only things left to remind me that I also exist. Things are too much work and no one understands the way I feel. But that's just as usual as everything else. Simply, I'm a ghost that just keeps observing things. Because I don't exist as a 'person', I can observe the world detached, and I still only feel that it's just a bad dream where good things are too brief and weak to last.

I so understand your words and I get it. I feel this huge emptiness and like I really have no importance at all myself. I too feel no one understands the way I feel and I feel now I am hiding from everyone, so that no one has to try anymore. I have tried so often for it to come back at me, somehow, someway, and now I feel like I am invisible, or maybe it is I want to be, and that even my words don't really matter anymore.

I feel that others forget that I too have a mental illness, one that does not just go away, one I fight everyday of my life. So you shut down, hide, and try not to be anything at all. But that is wrong too. I'm told I didn't do this to myself, yet I have to figure it out and heal. But the truth is, I really haven't a clue to how to do that, I've learned through all within just how to be for everyone. Within all just protect the only way they know how or were instructed to. And the living in a dream, I have said that so often, but that is all I can say right now about that.

I tried to write a better response other than these words, but I can't post it. I have done this now several times in this last week, tried to answer someone just to feel afraid and like it doesn't matter. But I just wanted you to know that I did read what you wrote, it makes so much sense, and I hear and understand more than you know.

dps

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( NotTooShabby11 ))))))))

[avlady]

Sorry i must have missed your post but from the responses it sounds like you could use some tender loving care. one thing i learned from a friend of mine is to take a warm calgon bath for a while. It smells good and makes you feel good too.

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I so understand your words and I get it. I feel this huge emptiness and like I really have no importance at all myself. I too feel no one understands the way I feel and I feel now I am hiding from everyone, so that no one has to try anymore. I have tried so often for it to come back at me, somehow, someway, and now I feel like I am invisible, or maybe it is I want to be, and that even my words don't really matter anymore.

I tend to ponder sometimes why this emptiness is there, but no idea. It's hard to explain how is it like. It is like everything that fills you up in a day gets erased tomorrow. And everything has to be freakin' restarted, and that is very exhausting. It's like there is no personality left to say "Hey you! You have these memories of the past. You have these people around you. You have these feelings." etc. There are no moments left to appreciate or value and so on. Therefore, you can't see any kind of future for thyself. Think of a blackboard where things don't remain, and they don't get written down into books or notes (memory/mind). If those words would each have a life, then you would die a little every time one gets erased without something recording it...

So now even if there is no memory to hold, there's gotta be something left still. Here is something I wrote one day:

Don't yearn for what's lost, embrace what has remained. It does not matter what have you lost, you can find value in what's left. Do what you think you must have to do, in due time, even if you don't believe in yourself. No matter how much you've lost or how much damaged you are, there is always something remaining that's worth living for, even if you can't sense it right now.

If living would truly be worthless, why would anyone be still alive or why would you even get up the next day? Lol. We can die at any time, so it is not like fate can't take us back if it'd really like to. Try to trust me on this one, I've tried suicide before, and then learned that until your business is done, fate is not letting you go willingly...you can still go, but I believe you will be punished severely for leaving earlier. Afterwards, I wanted to know the meaning of "love", because I believe that is the meaning to "life", so here is some info on it...

"Love does not see faults. It is towards everyone and everything. Only that can be called love. There should be no motive behind love. Pure love, real love exists where there is no selfishness; when there are no feelings of 'yours-mine'. The world is very selfish, and whereever there is selfishness, real love can never exist there. People would never separate from one another if they had real love. The love they have is selfish and with expectations and motive. How can one call it love? That which never increases or decreases, is love. Real love never increases or decreases. It is love without attachment or abhorrence."

Now, after reassessing my self, I can see that I need my parents to be with me at home, whereas they may not need me anymore, I don't know. I have a need for them, because they extend my existence, they give me meaning. When they are not around, I'm less stable. They stabilize me with their presence, even if we rarely talk. This is fact. People are not solitary creatures, are they? You could say this is love. Longing for a person...with unwavering trust. Is that the yearning of a heart? I have nothing left to gain or to lose, so...I'm not attached to anyone, but I do still have a sense of need for them. I just keep lying and never show it for real, and just run away instead. But love is always there, eh, right?

"Real love is that which does not have any abhorrence behind it. How can it be called love when there is abhorrence associated with it? Love should be unwavering, unchanging. Real love does not increase or decrease. It remains the same, whenever you look at it. Elsewhere in the world as long as you do favors for people, their love will stay with you and it will fall apart when you stop. How can you call that love?"

"Real love is that which remains the same whether one receives flowers or stones of insults. This is the definition of love. Everything else is false attachment and attraction. This is the love of the Lord. When that kind of love arises, there is no need for anything else. It is only this love that is of any value. The one with such love will remain calm when scolded and take the utmost care not to hurt the offender. In the presence of such love, even the wicked person would melt and surrender." Isn't that the core point of Christmas and Jesus' teachings?

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I feel that others forget that I too have a mental illness, one that does not just go away, one I fight everyday of my life. So you shut down, hide, and try not to be anything at all. But that is wrong too. I'm told I didn't do this to myself, yet I have to figure it out and heal. But the truth is, I really haven't a clue to how to do that, I've learned through all within just how to be for everyone. Within all just protect the only way they know how or were instructed to. And the living in a dream, I have said that so often, but that is all I can say right now about that.

"One sees a beautiful face, and one falls in love. But this is not love. Now if there were a boil on that face, one would not even go near her. If the boil were to remain on her face for twelve months or so, he would not want to see her face and his illusion of love disappears altogether. Real love on the other hand, would not disappear even if there were numerous boils."

See what this means? In a similar manner, would one be still interested when he learns that she lives with a terminal illness and only has a little left to live? If that would be love, the other person wouldn't leave her at all and wouldn't be concerned with any 'shortcomings' the others see in her. Anything the other person begins to hate or dislike, is not love, but abhorrence.

I wonder how many people are left with pure love in this world. The angelic one I've found with pure love has died at a very young age. I think the main cause for 'mental illness' (as they say it) is the ultimate lack of love, not being understood, and all that rejection. In this world, you have to play in roles, due to how the world will never adjust to you, so you have to adjust everywhere instead. That is why pure love seems like a pipe dream to me, as I don't think it can ever exist in this big bad world (that divine love) - it can only exist in the imagination of the mind and the wishes of the heart.
As for the dream, maybe that intuition was right.

Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets

I tried to write a better response other than these words, but I can't post it. I have done this now several times in this last week, tried to answer someone just to feel afraid and like it doesn't matter. But I just wanted you to know that I did read what you wrote, it makes so much sense, and I hear and understand more than you know.

dps

Now then, what do you think is love?
I think a reply to someone useless like me, means there is still some love and hope left, right? Another reminder: As long as you're still struggling, you have not given up! You're at crossroads still undecided what to do/where to go next, but if you push yourself, you can do it, you can improve and do your best in your life -- that is what a psychologist could have said to me back then, though no one did, but I found it out the hard way. It may be a lie eh?

Similar to what someone said to me once:

"See the world as an incredible new thing, like a kid. Everything is new. You start creating your values, your new personality…it's not that hard once you get to it. Because it's not worth it to end all hopes."

Sometimes, the circumstances don't let us accomplish what we want or need to improve. In this case, all what we can do is to wait until an opportunity presents itself, until then we have to be patient and bear and wait. Change is not only dependent on us, it is also dependent on the whim (randomness) of fate and weighs heavily on the past of our decisions and choices. Things just happen.

Originally Posted by avlady

Sorry i must have missed your post but from the responses it sounds like you could use some tender loving care. one thing i learned from a friend of mine is to take a warm calgon bath for a while. It smells good and makes you feel good too.

Yes, probably that "tender loving care" is what's missing, yet no person can provide it, so fiction and art is the only things left to attend to.