How does she think she can judge me

Sorry if I rant on and on...this really has me upset.
Tonight the mother of my son's gf was here. She had to talk to my son and myself before she decides if she will let her daughter go with me and my son to a wedding for the weekend.

One of the problems is that my son is 19 and his girlfriend is 16 and they had sex and her mother found out about it... I had no clue to any of this. I know my son is an adult and should have been man enough to say NO to her but how many guys do... I still know it was wrong and I told them both that after I did find out.

The other mother looked at me tonight and told me that my son and myself are untrustworthy... and because we don't go to church that is another mark against us. I told her I can pray to God in my own home and asked her to stop pushing her Catholic church on my son... I am Catholic...not a follower though....
The mother just cleaned up her act a few years ago. SHe use to drink and take drugs and now she goes to church everyday some times as much as three times a day since she quit. I feel that she looks down at us because we don't go to church... But she still has no right telling me that we are untrust worth... she don't know me and I am one of the most trust worthy people she has ever met I would be willing to tell her... I went to her house last week while she was at work to sit with her daughter... son's gf.... becasue she wanted to cut herself. All the mother was concerned about was that she was doing this to get back at the mother... all me, me, me... no concern for the girl...
I better stop here because the boiling point is getting very close already... Thanks for listening...

My opinion is that this woman is acting out of guilt and fear. She's not secure in herself, her not drinking, etc. No doubt she feels like she could fall back into that pattern with the least little thing. She's just bolstering herself up the wrong way by accusing you and trying to place her own guilt on you. You're right. It's all about HER.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Hi somebody,

I understand you being upset, I would be too. Interesting how you became untrustworthy because of something you knew nothing about. Guilt by association? Church affiliation aside, for some people (like this woman maybe), it's easier to deflect the blame for a bad situation off onto someone else rather than accept your own part in it. I can understand her being protective of her daughter, I have a 16 yo daughter of my own. But she knows that she's going to have take her share of the responsibility if she screws up. It's a real bad message that this woman is sending to her daughter, not to mention the one she is sending to you and your son.

I hope this gets worked out, and the kids will hopefully realize that the consequenses of what their doing could change their lives forever.

I'm sure your a great parent, don't let what this woman says get to you too badly. She needs to stop taking your inventory and start taking her own.

Hope it gets better,
Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

Good observation, Tomi. Anger is (some say always) motivated by fear. When you feel angry, or someone else is acting angry, a good question to ask yourself is, "what am I (is s/he) afraid of?" If you can figure that out, it is much easier to understand and deal with the anger.

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

Thanks, Hun! I appreciate the validation. You know how I crave it sometimes.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

September Morn, Greg, Rapunzel, and Ozzie, thank you for your input...this really has me very upset... I know my son was wrong doing what he did but it still don't make it right for her to be mad at me for it. Most of the time I don't come out of my bedroom and she knows this so how am I suppose to know what goes on. Yes, it's true, it is my house and I should know what goes on in my own house... I just don't have the energy needed to pull myself out of bed to check.
She just scares me because she has brought up that she still may bring rape charges against my son. She has a daughter that had a baby at 16... the boyfriend was 25... he had no job, still don't 5 years later... and she did and said nothing to them... my son is decent, has a good job, and is in the National Guard... and she might charge him... It just don't make sense to me... she even mentioned that she wants him to go to jail... guess this is something we will have to worry about for many years to come now.
Thanks for listening...
Somebody

Hey dear, first things first...(((((((((((((((somebody))))))))))))))) Feeling better? Good!

If the woman wanted to push the issue, she could probably cause a lot of trouble for your son. But with what you've told us about her I'm thinking that this is just a scare tactic. If you'll pardon the pun, she wants to put the fear of God in you and your son. But if she goes public with this, then she exposes her and her daughter as well. I really don't think she wants that to happen. It sounds like to me that she has a reputation that she wants to protect. That's why she's putting all the blame for this on your son, and you. If I was you, I'd call her bluff. Call the pastor of her church and ask to speak with him. Explain to him what's happened, and what's she's threatening you and your son with. I bet you he could calm things down in a heartbeat. That's just a thought, but maybe worth looking into? Remember that it took both of the kids for this to happen. I realize that she's under-age, but she still needs to take responsibility for her action just like your son does. If it was me I'd force her hand, but that's me, I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer...

Good luck, I have a feeling that everything will work out OK.

Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

If I was you, I'd call her bluff. Call the pastor of her church and ask to speak with him. Explain to him what's happened, and what's she's threatening you and your son with. I bet you he could calm things down in a heartbeat

<hr></blockquote>

I've been hesitating in responding to this, but I felt I needed to say something here. Many years ago, in most places, people had the say about whether or not they would press charges. That has changed almost everywhere. You can no longer call the police and then say you won't press charges, that is left to the DA. Now, that being said, please understand, if you talk to a priest or mental health professional and speak of sexual abuse of a child - He is required by law to report that to law enforcement. Then it is out of everybody's hand except for the DA. The age of consent differs from state to state and I have no idea what it is where you live.

I do understand your feelings of hurt, anger and fear. I can also understand some of her feelings. I personally believe that it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my children and protect them as best I can. If someone had sex with my young daughter, I would from that point consider him untrustworthy. I would not consider his parents to be so, but if they were incapable of knowing what was going on, I would be hesitant to allow my daughter to spend time in their home.

I really hope that this works out. It is a very scary, troublesome situation. My best to you.
Mark

Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither.
William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

Thank you Ozzie, Greg, and Mark...
I wonder now what her motives of last nights conversation really were. I have a brother getting married this weekend and we are going to be in a motel all weekend for the wedding... we had asked long ago if she could go with us and today she told her daughter that it was ok for her to go with us. Yes she and my son will be in the same room as I am and in different beds but still the same she trusts us enough to allow her to go 100 miles away for the weekend...I'm totally confused at this point.

<blockquote><font size=1>In reply to:</font><hr>

I'm totally confused at this point

<hr></blockquote>

I can imagine! Hang tough and just keep being you.
Mark

Though inland far we be,
Our souls have sight of that immortal sea
Which brought us hither.
William Wordsworth (1770–1850)

Wow, sounds like she has a huge problem, and is hypocritical too I get a kick out of people that after they "clean up their act", they want to convert the world and some think those that do not follow their new found ways are bad, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
She should pay more attention to her daughter's wanting to cut", it isn't because of your son and her relationship, it is probably due to the long term relationship with mom and the things maybe mom did in the past way before your son knew her. Le's face it someone like this woman will probably blame everyone else for her possible neglect of this young girl, maybe her mom was too busy in her own selfish ways? Who knows, I do not want tojudge her either, but it is very unfair thee way she is judging you and your family, she has no right to do so. I know of some people that go to church, some daily and some of them are the meanest, most evil hippocrits, perhaps they go so often due to their guilt of their wrong doings. It is ignorant of her to judge people and their religion or lack of it, religion and politics are 2 subjects that only fuel arguments and has started many wars around the world.
If at all possible stay away from this woman, she still has some major issues she needs to resolve within herself.
Now, the hard thing, how do we get her daughter into good counseling to prevent her cutting? Anyone out there, please add to thsi thread with any suggestions, cause it seems if "somebody" was the one to show concern for son's gf then chances are this other woman would cop an attitude and say or do more toxic things.
Somebody, I feel for you and your son, if he can maybe it be best if he broke off with her, it is painful but with the interferrence of her mom could only lead to more heartbreak in the long run.
Just my 2 cents, pretty long too, eh?

Take care, and know you are both "good people" regardless what this woman says or infers.
I am wishing you lots of love and luck, Always feel free to come her and rant, socialize, chat, or whatever, we are all here, dear person

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{somebody}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care,
Fuzzy

somebody i think this 180 degree turn around just proves that whatever her concern is it relates to something in her own head and doesn't really reflect on any real judgment against you. so i hope at least that aspect won;t upset you and you can put it behind.

as to the cutting, are she and your son pretty serious as bf/gf? because if her mother is oblivious to that maybe at least she can get comfortable talking to your son and to you about it and maybe you could steer her toward some help. as others have said though that might cause another backlash from this woman for "interfering" but if it is the right thing to do hopefully everyone will be able to come to their senses.

Is it possible this girl is manipulating her mother, possibly even with the cutting? Of course this is not something to be taken lightly and i'm not even saying that she is doing it outright to get what she wants... but maybe the mother recognized that the daughter was upset about having the trip canceled and changing her mind and giving permission all of a sudden is her way of "solving" the problem?

hopefully this can all be resolved in the best interests of everyone, and with your peace of mind preserved.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Dex, this is a good way of seeing this, you have an excellent point about the daughter possibly trying to manipulate her mom, that went way past me, dex, you make such great suggestions, and also have a great unbias way of looking at things, that is truly an asset, that for us it is hard to do.

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

I wondered about that too Good post (as always) Dex!

I also don't intend to provoke any sort of judgment against the daughter... we don't know her or the situation, and especially under the circumstances, being the community that this is, i don't want to any way at all imply that any sort of self injury shouldn't be taken seriously or that it is only a plea for attention or manipulation. We here know that isn't true, but i just presented the idea as a possibility in the context of helping somebody figure out what might be going on especially since this is obviously a complex situation with a lot of factors. even if i am right or partially right it is clearly not a simple situation with the girl getting her way with the mother.

i guess that is mostly a "disclaimer" since it is a sensitive topic.

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--http://www.idexter.com