[LookingforHelp]

Hello everyone. For the past few weeks I have been reading the posts on here and admired everyone for the support they give each other. I am in need of support.

What I am about to tell you is nothing I am proud of. I accept full responsibility for it. I get depressed just thinking of this. Please don't judge me by my actions. I hate saying this, but here it goes.

I was the abuser in domestic violence. I struck my wife. This happened on a few occasions at the beginning of the year. I did not seriously injure her body (bruises), but what I did to her mentally is unforgivable.

We have been married for 8 years and have known each other for about 13 yrs. A few months ago, my wife called the police during an episode and I was arrested. There is a restraining order against me and my child visitation must be supervised. I applaud my wife for having the courage to get the help she needed. Divorce has been mentioned and I am awaiting to be served with the papers.

Through many individual and group counseling sessions I have learned my behavior was past down to me in a cycle of violence. I had never thought of my childhood as being abusive. But I always knew I was being hit for no apparent reasons.

During the last year or so, I have been battling depression. I feel my recent actions were a result of that depression, among other things.

Do I sound like someone who deserves sympathy? No, of course not. I have regrets every waking moment. What I did was horrible and I am so sorry for it. I never wanted my life to go this way. I wanted to be happily married for the rest of my life. I avoided dealing with other issues in my life and that resulted in me not handling the recent pressure I felt correctly.

I am very lonely right now. Most of my life and friends were tied around my wife. I am now taking an antidepressant (zoloft) and getting therapy. That in itself is a big step for me. I never wanted to admit I needed that kind of help.

I don't know what everyone here will think of me. Just remember I am not proud of my actions and I want to end the cycle of violence with me.

Anyone care to talk?

[Audrey]

Hi lookingforhelp. Well, I heard once that guilt is the human's worst emotion. It sure feels that way too. I'm glad you are getting help, it definitly is a good start.

[silver_queen]

>>Do I sound like someone who deserves sympathy? No, of course not. I have regrets every waking moment. What I did was horrible and I am so sorry for it. I never wanted my life to go this way. I wanted to be happily married for the rest of my life. I avoided dealing with other issues in my life and that resulted in me not handling the recent pressure I felt correctly.

You do deserve sympathy. You were abused as a child. Often this returns for them to abuse others when they grow older. You are obviously feeling guilt and pain over this, and I can't help but feel sorry for you, honestly. Maybe you could talk your experiences over with a counsellor or with us...it might allow you to put your past behind you and move on...


_____________________
RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

[LookingForMe]

If its not too bold of me to ask, what kind of therapy are you in? Anger management? If not, have you considered it?

I commend you for acknowledging the mental abuse. Those invisible scars take a much longer time to heal. Its true that guilt is a heavy burden to carry but better to know where you have gone wrong and to do something about it than to feel no remorse and continue being an angry man and hurting those you love.

I am not giving you my sympathy, LookingforHelp but, I will support your effort in becoming a healthy loving new man. I have to say that I have a bit of an ulterior motive (I hope you don't mind) - in hearing of your progress (and maybe some of the steps you are taking) I'm hoping that I can help someone else close to me.


<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[dexter]

IMO there is a big difference between excusing past behaviour vs. seeking support for a current attitude that includes understanding and making a sincere attempt to change and improve.

To me that past is in a way irrelevant (only in the context of your message here... it may never be irrelevant for your wife or others around, or to others that have been in similar situations) but what is important is your attitude now. You do not seem to making excuses for your behavior but seeking understanding of possible causes in order to change this behaviour. You are also taking concrete steps to improve, such as posting here and getting therapy for yourself.

This is not only a commendable step for your own future and those you will be around, but will also hopefully break the cycle of violence in your family making this a good thing to be passing down to future generations.

I cannot speak for whether this may be a sensitive topic for other members here but I hope you can find some support and the help you need to get past this from a community like this one. Again, in my opinion, I do think it is appropriate to provide support for someone trying to improve without necessarily condoning past actions.

I think a big element in this is taking responsibility for mistakes, owning them as the saying goes. We can't change the past, but we can face it and learn from it.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[LookingforHelp]

As with anything, the first step is realizing you have a problem. At the time, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I felt it wasn't "that bad". I felt that the issues I was dealing with was the bigger problem. In retrospect it was the exact opposite.

I am very compulsive in nature. So I am seeking many forms of help. But before I tell you what kind, I have to give you some more background info. My father had severe mental health issues. He was in and out of hospitals and institutions for most of my childhood. I had a fear if I looked for help in any kind of therapy situations, I would end up like him. Kind of like when people say smoking pot only leads to doing harder drugs. That fear held me back for so long. I always thought I was smart enough to overcome it on my own.

With that said, I am involved in group counseling for domestic violence (26 week course). They not only talk about anger, but they talk about relationships, perceptions and what domestic violence does to the family. I have been going for about a month. I am also starting an anger managment class this week. This one is 12 weeks and deals with anger only. I am also seeing a licensed social worker on an individual basis. Then there is my family doctor who has put me on zoloft for my depression. Like I said, I am very compulsive.

With divorce likely, now I have to start reaching out for new friends. My social life was based all around my wife and her friends. I get very lonely now. I can only wish my wife the best, and be thankful she is kind enough to let me see our son. He is still a baby.

Did that help you?

[ltlredvett]

Looking.....

It took a lot of courage for you to hold yourself out there and be honest with what you have done. You do deserve the support of others and forgiveness. You are deserving of this for many reasons. First and foremost it appears that you are genuinely repentant for what you have done. Second, you are taking the steps that you need to take to get better. And, third, we are human... we make mistakes. We should not be judged by the mistakes we make, rather we should be judged by the actions we take to correct those mistakes.

I can relate so much to your situation. Like you I have batteld depression. And, like you, I exhibited behaviors that I am not proud of. I was never violent, but I did seek out sexual gratification with other women. I know now that my escapades were due, in large part, to a major life trauma and my ongoing depression.

Like you I am getting the help that I need. But, at times it seems too little too late. Unfortunately people judge us by our actions and their view of us may be slow to change, if it changes at all. So, what is frustrating is that you can be remorseful, repentant, take all the steps you need to take to change... yet you are still isolated and lonely. Like you I live each and every day regretting the things that I have done. But, little by little to have to let go of that regret as it will only hold you back from moving forward.

Because of my actions I lost a woman that I loved with all my heart. She will never forgive me, nor allow me back into her life. On the one hand I totally understnad her position and I would probably do the same thing if I was in her position. On the other hand, I love her deeply and I know that I can turn things around.

In the final analysis I think that the person that you need to be most comfortable with is yourself. I am sure that when you were abusive you were not proud of yourself or your actions. Now that you are getting help and moving in the right direction you have something that you can be proud of. Rejoice in that. Then, when you are feeling better and have the inner strength and confidence you will have the energy to reach out to others and they will want to keep company with you.

I wish you the best of luck. I can certainly relate to what you are going through.

[(JD)]

It is unfortunate that for all those years of abuse, now that you are seeking help, your spouse is deciding to end it. I personally gather that she ain't buying what 'cha selling?

One of the things that needs to happen, to end this cycle of abuse, is to become part of your family again. If the only way to end it is to isolate and try it out on new friends, family, well, IMHO that won't work for the bad cycle already begun.

You can communicate through others to your spouse, making sure the family knows what path you are on...and asking them to join you. Someone who is emotionally secure doesn't put up with abuse for as long as they did.. so they need professional help too.

I am sending good wishes your way.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[willoughby]

Sky gave some really good advice. Ozzie was very supportive. I agree with Sky, maybe if you let your family know the path you now take, they may walk with you or atleast support you.

You have admitted to being an abuser. Good for you. Keep up the good work and continue going to counselling and classes. This can only make you a better person. Thinking of you. Keep us posted.

"you only have one chance to make a first impression"

[Macallan]

Abuse is difficult, even after someone takes responsibility becaue the damage is done and sometimes the strength of one of the spouses to resolve it does end in divorce and a radical change of life-styles for all partes involved. Even with the benefit of therapy and counseling it's sometimes just necessary to realize that that particular family unit has served it's purpose, mistakes were made, it can't be put back together........... and move on with your life as you want it to proceed from this morning on. Look for new friendships along the way and take responsibility for your new life and let the blame, sorrow and violence of the past go into the past and be forgiven.

[Starbuck]

Yes, you deserve sympathy, Looking...

That takes quite courage to confess yourself as you've just done.

What you just did is half the way to recovery.

keep couseling, take care, k ?

Sincerely

Starbuck



Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad.