I can't understand anything....

I need help...I don't know what to do. I can't explain my problems to anyone. I keep everything inside, and even if I wanted to tell someone something, it's like I can't because it doesn't truly exist. Nothing makes sense to me. I'm 25, but I honestly act like a child. The doctor once told me I act like a six year old, which hurt...

I think I have some sort of mental problem, but I can't tell what it is. I'm dx with schizophrenia, but I think it's wrong. It's something else. Something that can't be explained by anyone or known because it doesn't exist.

I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want to find work. I feel no one wants me. Well, it's actually true. I don't understand why people reject me, I can't understand it at all. I think... I reject other people before they can even reject me. But the opposite is also true. People rejected me all my life. I stay away from most people, I don't have any friends, or anyone besides my immediate family. I just want to go to the fields and die.

No one can possibly understand me because I don't really exist. I don't have feelings, or emotions, or thoughts, or anything at all. My family, I sometimes wonder if they're my 'real' family. I can't be sure of anything in this world. That's the real problem. I can't be sure of anything, and when I'm not sure I get scared.

Everything is a contradiction to me. My mind is a mess. Sure, I can write this out but that doesn't mean it's true. Nothing is true. Nothing.

I guess that's all for now... I'm sorry...

Sounds like you may have some depression going on? Check with your psychiatrist.

Well depression is definitely a problem which you need help with. Talk to your mental healthcare providers.

There are issues deeper than this - I believe the depression is a symptom of a bigger problem.

You mention an inability to connect with people and make acquaintanceships. Have you given consideration why? What do you observe is different about your attempts to do so an others who are more successful. If you haven't paid this attention before, perhaps you should. Observe how others behave and communicate around others. In particular watch the non-verbal communication. This actually means more in social interaction than what is said itself. What sorts of things said or actions do people most respond to and what do you notice turns them away? Would it be fair to say you owe yourself some self reflection?

If you want social interaction you need to take responsibility for it happening. It isn't going to happen by itself.

Unfortunately it doesn't come easily to everyone. Sometimes it must be a learned behaviour.

It is important that you discuss this with your psychiatrist too.

Hi,

I myself experience symptoms that can be said to be on the psychosis spectrum, and I can relate to what you wrote about feeling scared and having doubts about whether the world, those who share the world with us, and even we ourselves actually exist. Because I think that you're right that we can't really be sure -- not completely sure, anyhow -- about anything in this world. I think that it could very well be the case that the world that we live in is basically just an illusion, but when I started to consider whether or not I'd do anything differently if I somehow knew that it was true that the world is an illusion or if perhaps I was already in the afterlife, the answer that I came up with was that I basically wouldn't do things differently. I'd still try to do things that I find meaning in, which basically involve trying to make the world (whatever it is that it actually consists of) better by being good to those around me (and that includes humans and the other living beings here on this planet), by being good to myself, and by making this planet a good place for the living beings here to inhabit. When we make decisions in life, there's always going to be uncertainty about whether or not the decisions that we make will be the best ones, but I've personally found that believing in something that gives us meaning (which for me includes being good to the other living beings on this planet and to myself) and doing the things that we find to be meaningful to the best of our ability is better than being persistently indecisive because of the uncertainty about how things might turn out or about whether or not the world and all of us who inhabit are actually real.

It sounds like having been rejected for much of your life has probably affected you in a negative way, regardless as to what what other factors might have contributed to the problems with your mental health that you're currently experiencing. Sometimes when other people tell us things that are hurtful and negative for long enough, we eventually end up starting to believe those things, even if we knew that they weren't true when we first heard them. I might be wrong, but I wonder if maybe part of the reason why you believe that you don't exist and don't have feelings is because some others in your life might have told you these things and/or might actually mistakenly believe these things themselves. But I will say that if it is the case that some others in your life might have told you these things, I believe that they're wrong. You're not a nobody, not in a figurative sense, and not in a literal sense either. Maybe it's true that we can't be absolutely 100 percent sure about anything, but if we get too caught up in questioning our actions and even ourselves just because there's always that smallest possibility that we might be wrong about things that we can be very close to certain about, we're going to miss out on doing the things that make our lives meaningful, enjoyable, and worthwhile. And maybe, believing the idea that we don't really exist and other ideas that are extremely unlikely to be true (even though they might technically be possible) might in some ways end up becoming our reality if we spend too much time thinking about them.

Hi Wintery. You haven't mentioned any medication involved. Can you tell us when you were diagnosed? Sometimes medication can be of great help in reducing some of the problematic thoughts. It's does take some time before it becomes effectual. Can you let us know? I know you're worried. You can take it easy here though. Many here have had similar experience with things you describe. You're not alone with this.

thank you for the replies…

I’m on abilify, and antidepressant, if that helps…and I’ve been on it for a few years now. I never really noticed any change when I was put on anti-psychotic, because I believe I’ve always felt like this, even without the medicine. I think I’ve always not existed, just, when I was younger, I didn’t know what to call it. I’ve always realized I would have problems as time goes on, I knew it from a long time ago. This also makes me not a real person, because I understand things no one else does.

I think that everything inside my mind is just one big mess. I can’t distinguish anything at all. That's the problem...I have no person. I have no belief system, no opinions at all. I have no real body... I have no emotions or feelings, or if I do, they make no sense.

I also can’t tell the doctor anything because I have sort of a speaking problem, where I will only answer with a few words at a time, but mostly just ‘yes’ ‘no’ or ‘I don’t know’. People get really frustrated with me. I’ve also always been like that, but maybe it got worse over time. I don’t like to share things with other people. I don’t relate to anyone in the entire universe. I think on some level I don't want to.

I guess you could say that the 'experiences' I've had made me who I am, that people in the past treated me badly or ignored me, but generally I think like this: "I have no experiences. I have no past.". Everything about myself is fake. If I smile I think "this isn't me". I'm a different person. I'm constantly looking at my body from far away. It's not just sometimes, I believe it's all the time. But I cannot explain that to anyone. I cannot explain anything to anyone. Because nothing is really true, not me, not my thoughts, nothing.

Sorry if no one really understands, I don't know why I'm complaining anyways. I guess I just don't know what to do and I'm tired of it all....

Thank you for responding to the posts that have been made here and for explaining the sorts of things that you've been going through in more detail. One thing that I thought about when I was reading your original post and and am thinking about even more now that I've read the post that you just made is that at least some of what you've described might be explained as being related to depersonalization and derealization. If you don't know what these terms mean, depersonalization essentially refers to feeling like one's own self isn't real, and what derealization refers to is feeling like the world isn't real. Those who experience depersonalization and/or derealization on an ongoing basis are sometimes diagnosed with depersonalization-derealization disorder, but symptoms of depersonalization and derealization can also occur in those diagnosed with schizophrenia and other mental health conditions.

I'm not qualified to say with any kind of authority that your diagnosis of schizophrenia is incorrect, but I do have to say based on having read what you've written here that the symptoms that you've described sound like they're more in line with what those with ongoing problems with depersonalization and derealization experience than they are with the symptoms of schizophrenia. That's not to say that I can say anything conclusive about what diagnosis might fit you best just based on what you've written here, or again, that I can diagnose you, but I have to wonder based on the way you've described your symptoms and based on the fact that you said yourself that you think your diagnosis of schizophrenia is wrong if you might be onto something. I also have to wonder if the problems that you have with speaking might be interfering with your ability to more thoroughly describe your symptoms to your doctor and if your doctor might end up diagnosing you with something different (possibly depersonalization-derealization disorder, or maybe something different) if he or she could hear you describe what you're going through in more detail.

This is just a suggestion, but one thing you might want to think about if you haven't done this already is describing your symptoms in writing in a way that's similar to what you've done here (or even just printing out some or all of what you've written here) so you can convey the ideas that you have about what you're going through to your doctor in more detail than you'd be able to when speaking to him or her in person. It might be the case that if a diagnosis of something other than schizophrenia might explain your symptoms better than your current diagnosis, the treatment regimen that you're currently following might be able to be improved upon so it can better address the symptoms that seem to be causing you the most impairment and distress.

Have you ever been tested for a learning disorder?

Hi wintry did you ever notice that you say your sorry at the end of your post. I'm the same way you not only feel it you express it to those around you I can't help myself I learned this it's very hard to break free of. Do you ever walk into a room and you feel like everyone is bummed out just because you are there now. It will cause a lot of the symptoms you describe. I think you have been emotionally abused by other people.

Hello Wintery. Thank you for writing some on how things are for you. I'm sorry you're feeling this pain. You wrote some things that reminded me of myself earlier in my life. Not the same exactly because all people are different but there were similarities in the way you described things.

I'm glad you feel safe enough to speak here. It's important to tell someone how you feel. Many here can relate on some level you can be sure of that. You say you've been on Abilify for several years...is there a way you can let your doctor know that you haven't felt any benefits from it? There's much I don't know about you but I do know that doctors exist to help. Sometimes it doesn't always seem that way but they are generally better for you than bad.

I wonder if you, or someone you know and trust, can let your doctor know about your concerns with the medication. I think most doctors are open to trying a different one. I'm pretty sure that's so. Trying another medication is an accepted practice with drugs like these. I know this to be true from personal experience.

Some people aren't aware of this and consequently some people never find the medication that can benefit them most. Others can back me up on this. If Abilify isn't showing a positive effect after several yrs, then you're entitled to ask about trying something else. Wintery...if you don't tell them this or get someone to help explain it, then the doctors will just assume the medication is performing well enough. That's not fair to you. The proper medication can help a lot. Don't be without hope. What are your thoughts on that if you don't mind me asking?

I have a brain injury....i have some understanding of not trusting your brain to process correctly what is before you...so how can you trust anything...if you can not even trust your own brain to let you be real.....It is hard to describe the kind of fear that can rise from that....I too...had speech difficulties...especially in the time of closeness of my injury....it took a lot of therapy....for that to improve...and then in stress...my brain does not fire...so there is no speech.....there is just something within that watches a movie...yet no response....that too is frightening.....

There is something I still do...with doctors...and others...in situations where I know I am going to have stress and doubts for my ability to communicate....I write it down...especially to the doctors....away from them and their offices....i write it down...my questions and what I am feeling....about specific things....and then hand them the paper....it is really very helpful....for me and for them...you don't forget things in the anxiety of the moment....and you can be more detailed than often occurs in actual speech in the moment....I would leave a little pad of paper out...and as things rose up for me....I would write it down...so i had an accumulation of information that would help the doctors or therapists...help me.....

Often times....I get overwhelmed....in those moments...I try to turn my mind/brain...back to the exact moment before me....not the future...or the past....just this moment...what is in front of my nose....and I will often go searching out something beautiful...so that is the only thing in front of my nose...beauty.......it takes practice...yet it is very helpful....for most often....the confusion that rises is about....what has happened in the past...or what is going to be in the future....and the moment I am in exactly....is not that stress filled....sometimes fear seems to override everything.....

I will say also......that my brain injury....I take no medications....it messes with my brain too much....one time a doctor insisted I take anti depressant....I trusted him...so I took 2 pills.....I called him up.....with some of the same symptoms you are speaking of......I felt like everything and everyone....was very far away from me....space was distorted....and I also...felt like I was so large I was bigger than my own home...kind of an Alice in Wonderland arms and legs poking out the window....kind of thing...it was horrifying....utterly horrifying...and I too had the experience of being outside my body....and that my feelings were somehow buried....like I was wrapped up in some barrier that kept them locked out....again distorted.....My doctor told me to NOT take one more anti depressant.....so maybe some of what you feel could be from the medications.....and side effects.....so I would urge you again...to write down what you feel...on paper...so that the doctors have this information.....it is important for them to know...because that is what they base their decisions on....just like us....to make a choice we need to know what is going on....you aren't going to dive into a pool of 1 inch of water....yet if you know it is 10 feet deep then you could dive in with safety....that kind of thing.....

I too hope you can find what makes you feel safe in your surroundings....and with others....it is VERY GOOD you come here to communicate....we all need to feel connection...and to be heard...even if we are not great speakers.....for many years...my speech was so stressful....that I often just sang one note....but the tone of that note I could convey many things....enough that the words didn't matter so much....I was still understood.....

I am always saying this...yet it is my greatest wish....that people find ease in their hearts....to be able to breathe with that feeling of peace.....I wish you comfort....

This makes sense to me. My sister thinks very similar to you, and she does have mild schizophrenia. This may help you.

It is proven that people who have schizophrenia have a smaller parietal lobe. A portion of this controls your spatial awareness. At times it can make you feel detached, unable to attach reasoning to things. It can make things feel unreal, like your own body, your emotions. It can even make you feel separated from your own body at times.

The important thing is that you talk to your psychiatrist about how you feel, even if you have to print out what you said here. There are medications that can bridge the gap and make you feel that all of these things are real. They can help you really experience the things you are missing.

Some psychiatrists and therapists will encourage written communication. Enquire of this; will your doctor welcome an email prior to your appointments?

Have you considered a support group related to mood disorders (which it sounds like might be appropriate)? This is a great opportunity to engage with like minded people. There is no requirement in most cases to talk. In mine, silent participation is welcome. It is also an opportunity to socialize. You might find some acquaintances. This has been my case.

I stress again the action of observing people and their successes in interaction.