Hello everyone... I'm new here and having some trouble navigating around so I thought it might be easiest if I started a thread myself so that I could establish one place I knew that some one would come to visit.... me.... lol

I picked that title because I think it rocks to be a survivor. I think anyone who is on this site is a survivor. So that means everyone here ROCKS!!

Some days are harder than others to believe I am a survivor. Some days I feel more like a failure than a survivor. I judge myself a lot. I compare myself to others even more. I might even have moments of true parinoia that others are avoiding me, ignoring me, shunning me because they see me as just 'a waste of air'.

Do you have moments... days... weeks like that? How do you pull yourself back into survivor mode?

I hope you will come and share your thoughts and your strategies for survival with me. Hope you join me here to keep the rockin power alive in us all.

Be well....

[Juliana]

Hello fellow Canadian! Welcome! Excellent topic.

I feel like a survivor sometimes. I was very agoraphobic for 4 years and now I'm living a full life again. So, I feel good about that. I beat myself up sometimes when anxiety rears its ugly head and gets the better of me, but I try to remind myself how far I have come. I remind myself that I have bad days and good days and setbacks aren't permanent... they're just part of being human. I also remind myself that I have been through some very trying times and I survived. So, I'm stronger than I thought I was. I have my times of weakness, but that inner strength is never far away and it's one of my greatest resources... It reminds me that giving up is not an option.

Ok... I think its only fair that I be the first to answer my own question. After all if I'm going to ask others to bear their secrets I should start the ball rolling I guess.

Keep myself/put myself back into survival mode..... prayer is my main source of affirmation of my worth. My source of inner strength and a sense of usefulness to the world around me. I am a diligent prayer warrior. I pray day in and day out without seizing. When I'm too down to even get out of bed I open myself up to pray for strength, for rest, for hope, for renewed faith. When I'm too wired to think straight or talk coherently I pray for calm and claim the peace until it comes.

Just to make sure you don't think I'm just some kind of wacked out religious fanatic I have other 'worldly' strategies too. The most important one I've found is to let others know when I need a boast to my sense of self worth. To turn to those I trust the most to be reminded that I am 'good enough'... that I am 'ok'.... that its not 'what I do' but 'who I am' that gives me reason to survive. I am a living, breathing survivor cuz I am here and because my friends tell me so. Somedays that's all I have.... somedays that's all I need to stay the course another day.... week.... month...

The support of people I trust combined with the faith in answered prayers are my most valuable survival skills.....

Your turn....

Cool Juliana... you beat me to it. I love your reply. I do that too... remind myself how far I've come. Isn't it great!! Just to know how much we've overcome.... gives renewed strength of how much we can endure and face the next time around.

And what you said about it not being permanent. I remember the first time I really understood that. Seems to give me new power to grab hold of things before they get out of hand. I can see the signs ahead of time now in ways I never could before.

I'm with you... never giving up. Its onward and upward from here on out.

Thanks again for joining me here.

So what part of Canada if you don't mind me asking... I'm in southern BC myself.

Looking forward to getting to know you better in the times ahead.

opps.. just noticed our locations are included in our avatars... Nova Scotia I see... lol I've never been to the Maritimes. I will someday. Summers are beautiful there I understand. Winters on the other hand are not so easy to cope with. But that from a spoiled BCers perspective.

No need for winter coats in my neck of the woods. Just good rain gear.... lol

[Juliana]

I do the same thing you do -- turning to those I love and trust to remind me of why they love me and why I'm worth all the bother. I'm pretty good at boosting myself up, but sometimes I need to hear it from others too.

And the PERMANENT thing... remembering that it's not permanent is so important. There have been many times when I felt hopeless, but things DID get better, so I remind myself of that when I'm feeling down and the hopelessness is creeping in again.

I've never been to BC. I have cousins in Victoria. The farthest west I've been is Edmonton, though. Here in Nova Scotia, our winters haven't been too bad lately. We've been feeling the effects of global warming -- kind of scary actually. Hardly any snow the past couple of winters. We get loads of rain too. Our winter didn't really begin until mid-January this year and we got some uncharacteristically cold weather -- bone-chilling cold. I'm not used to that... still hardly any snow that stays on the ground, though.

P.S. You mentioned your reliance on prayer. You should check out the spirituality forum.

[Raynaadi]

WHAT an awesome topic!!!!!!!

Welcome to PC, and thank you for starting such a great thread.

I am definetly a survivor. 2 years ago I was dying inside. 2 years ago, I was sure I'd never make it to 30. I'll be 30 in less than 2 years now. And I know I'll make it.

I was on the downward spiral of alcoholic depression and that was how I found PC. At the time, I didn't realize it was alcoholism; I just thought I was depressed.

I got sober April 24, 2005 and that was when I got my life back.

Today I still battle depression, but it doesn't take me to the places it used to. May of 06, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but I maintained my sobriety, and am fighting the disease with every ounce of strength I have.

I am definetly a SURVIVOR. I love that statement. How empowering it is to say. THANK YOU for reminding me!!!!!!!!!

[Wants2Fly]

[AmatureBombTech]

Good on you starting this thread here Stolo!

Power girls, Power people, Power men, Power to the world to survive yet one more day.

I can feel my inner strength rejuvenating itself already.

Love,
ABT/Blondie from another world.

Thanks everyone... I'm glad you like this thread. Hi ABT... good to see you here. And all the others... I'm looking forward to sharing more about our determination to remain in survival mode day to day.... week to week for a lifetime of balance. The trade off for giving up the only path we once new... the one to the roller coaster.

I've discovered lately that life likes to challenge my ability to survive life's daily challenges. Sometimes its just feeling 'crowded' that can wear me down.... like when I haven't taken well enough care of myself... neglected my diet, my sleep, my quiet time... my alone time.... and I feel pulled by others to perform beyond my energy. They may not be asking anything extraordinary from me. Civil conversation can be a challenge when I'm feeling frazzled... over spent. The anxiety builds and the simplest things start to irritate me and cause me to snap at people I love. Cause me to be hypersensitive to sounds, to loud laughter, to quick actions... to anything that I don't expect... anything contrary to total calm.

I've learned to give myself space when I need it. I often have to tell my loved ones that its nothing personal even when they seem to take it personally. I resist trying to push myself to stay in the situation even if it is causing me stress... or to get myself caught in a discussion trying to convince them that its not personal.... to get them to 'approve' of my decision to go into my quiet room for a while. I've learned to just state my need, my intention and act accordingly.

I finally have become skilled at putting me.... my welness ahead of everything and everyone for everyone's sake. Me and my loved ones benefit from me disengaging when engagement is a strain. I used to think that was the ultimate in selfishness but not anymore. I've learned that staying in a situation where I'm feeling 'crowded' can quickly escilate into abuse. My snappy remarks, my impatient, humourless reactions border on abuse. I can't help myself when I'm on that kind of edge. In that state of mind I'm just a series of explosions. Some muffled, some so quickly set off that I don't get a chance to try to muffle or block the distruction. Now I just pull away before I am at risk of any kind of explosive reactions.

The time away for others doesn't always have to be for very long anymore. The sooner I pull myself away then it seem the less time I need alone before I am able to engage with others again.

Tonight I felt like this. It had been a long day. I started out tired and I had no time to myself all day. I started to snap... I started to over-react... I felt the edginess in my voice, in my responses.... so I gave myself permission for some alone time. I pulled away even though it caused another to feel some rejection. I wouldn't let myself own their feelings. I assured them it wasn't personal and left it to them to process.

Within an hour I was ready to come back out of my closet and engage again. In the past I would have pushed myself until anxiety took over and it would have caused a collapse that could have taken days to recover from.

It feels good to know the difference between being 'selfish' to want to be alone for a while and taking 'smart steps' that are 'in the best interest of everyone'.

I've survived the risk of another roller coaster ride tonight and I have learned about a new path.... one that helps me to enjoy a more peaceful and satisfying life.... one day at a time.

Hope you too are walking in peace today because you've learned more about yourself and how to keep the peace in your life.

[AmatureBombTech]

OMG she finally gets it!!! Being centred in one's self is not 'self-centred'...it is balanced!!! Stolo...you're lookin' balanced today!!!! Yippeeeeeeee.

People....this is why I love this chick to death!

ABT

[muse]

I love this topic.
HEY I HAVE AN IDEA... let's make a list. Try, if you can, to throw some humor in there, and then at the end come up with an affirmation about yourself/your situation. Sounds like fun to me!

I have survived:
Fairly consistent teasing/ostracizing
Middle School
Public School Sex Education
Boyfriends
One very emotionally abusive relationship
My mother's bad moods/unwittingly triggering me
Public school food (or whatever it's supposed to be)
Self-injury
My parents finding out about my self-injury
Falling in love
Horrible teachers
Panic attacks
Homework
Bad grades

... and at the end of the day, I THINK I'M A BETTER PERSON FOR ALL OF IT!!!

truly,
~muse

Cool idea muse.... let me try....

I have survived....
suicide attempts
being misunderstood
public humiliation
self loathing
death of my mother
menopause
adolesence
people not liking me
people not loving me back
accepting I have a mental illness

.... and at the end of the day..... I know I am likeable, lovable and worthy of a life filled with loving friends and family who accept me just the way that I am.

Thanks muse.... that was insightful..like good medicine.

[muse]

Hehe, no problem. I just kinda thought it made sense. Thank YOU for the awesome thread!! Every now and then people need to be reminded that yeah, life sucks, but for whatever reason you're still here, and that MEANS something.

[Juliana]

I love this idea!

I have survived:

being a "gifted" child
a messed up religious upbringing
ulcers
being a mother to my brother and my mother when I was a child
being ostracized because of my last name
depression
7 years of university
working as a temp!
deaths of 4 people I loved very much
IBS
a lost pregnancy
a bipolar boyfriend who rejected the diagnosis and refused treatment
having fat knees and unusually bulky calves
2 serious relationship break-ups
benign paroxysmal positional vertigo
agoraphobia
the stigma of mental illness
living on welfare
panic attacks
anxiety, anxiety and more anxiety!
herniated cervical disk and pinched nerve
getting very sick in Vegas

and I still have all my own teeth... plus I really like who I am and I found out I'm stronger than I ever thought I was!!!

[Dulcinea]

Hey everyone
Im a survivor too, of almost everything! I found an interesting quote that might make some sense to someone. I am still wondering over it this morning. What do you guys think?
"A tragedy can turn out to be our greatest good if we will approach it in ways from which we can grow."
I was raped and can't even begin to imagine how it could be my greatest good unless it was to be saving someone else somehow. Or???? I struggle with this concept but would LOVE for it to be true.

[Raynaadi]

I love that quote Dulcinea! I wholeheartedly believe it. I, too went through things that I thought I could never find the good in. However, I have realized that my past tragedies have helped me reach out to others who have gone through something similar. That is a bond that is instantly formed. I can also be grateful that I survived.....just like the old saying goes, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I can chose to believe it, and it helps me get through days where I'm living in morbid reflection, thinking about the past. I try to remember that its in the past, nothing I can change about it now but how I look at it. You survived. That's the first piece of gratitude you can pull from the situation.

I've also come to appreciate that it is those things that I have survived that have formed my character.... Made me who I am today. And they are not negative characteristics that I refer to but by and large they are positive.

My tenacity, my persistence, my determination to survive, my compassion for others, my ability to have empathy for others, my righteous anger towards injustice and racism are a part of my character because of my own experiences... my own survived tragedies.

Good stuff everyone... love where this is taking people. Good medicine for building healthy pride and self-confidence that we can live through whatever comes our way and be better because of it.

Not that I'm asking for any more tragedy in my life. I'm happy to learn from past mistakes and happenings without needed new ones to come along with a new life lesson to be learned. I'm hoping my 'memory bank' will be sufficient fodder for new learning. Either way I can survive what ever comes my way.

[muse]

Dulcinea, I LOVE your screen name. The song from "Man of La Mancha" is SO beautiful. ^.^ As to the quote and your situation... I think a lot of other survival stories are much easier to relate to that quote than being raped. Were I in your place, I'd probably regard what happened to me as senseless, wholly unfair (huge understatement, that), and cruel beyond all reason, if you'll allow me to presume. How that can help you to grow as a person and enter each day with more strength than before I can't see... but that's why it's up to YOU and you alone to figure that out. Don't try and force yourself to understand the quote and how it fits to your life--the understanding will come to you one day. Just give yourself time. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be able to help someone else through an unbearable situation because of where you've been through!

And stologirl, I couldn't agree more. Sometimes it's incredibly easy to lose sight of that, especially when things start to go downhill. But had I not been where I've been and survived what I have... well, I might just be involved in worse situations today, and that would NOT be a good thing.

let's keep surviving, okay?
~muse

I hear you muse... sometimes I find myself thinking about who I would be if this or that hadn't happened to me. I like the me I have become a lot more than the me I was becoming before a series of tragedies changed me.

I think there are some tragedies where that doesn't necessarily fit... like the rape D was sharing. I really can't image finding a silver lining is possible from a rape experience. Surviving... knowing you can survive and live a full life after is certainly a lesson to be gained but seeing it as a 'channel of growth' is stretching things I think.

I'm proud to know you D... you are a survivor and you gifts to the world are obvious in how you express your spirit of joy...

[Dulcinea]

Hi survivors
Thanks for the kind words, Muse. My rape happened many years ago and now I can look back on it and see that I am lucky to be alive. Maybe it will make me super aware and help me help someone else or I have already helped someone and I just didnt know it. Maybe I saved someone else and I don't even know it. My big issue is dealing with the loss of my husband. He has been deceased for going on 13 years now and I still mourn for him. I know that there is a lesson there for me and others there too. I just have to be brave enough to take it!

I enjoyed the survival lists
here's mine
I have survived
Suicides (not mine)
my own suicide attempts
Negative thinking
Self-help books
Domestic Violence
Raising Teenaged Boys
Raising Teenagers on Drugs (they were LOL)
My own drinking
Self-Doubt
The 80's
The 90's
Self Hate
Dr. L
Disco
Anorexia
Being hugely Fat
Feeling Ugly
Being Promiscuous
Bipolar Disorder
Hallucinations
My Mother....barely LOL
My Best Friends fatal car accident
My best friend in Jr. High being killed by a car accident
molestation as a child
being very bright as a child
being not so bright as an adult
being myself
lumpectomies
fibromyalgia
chronic draining horrible pain
celiac disease
being thrown from a moving car
being thrown from a moving horse
falling off a climbing wall
being beat up
breaking knuckles defending self
hysteria
mania
depression
despair
'

But........I have nice hair..........!
So, its all worth it....LOL
And I rock a pair of Levi's. I paint like Dali,,,,J/K, I write like Hemingway....LOL, and I have some really sweet friends! ANd best of all, today I am on the healing road. On the spiders web of my Grandmothers. tee hee Love ya'll This thread makes me happy. Later gals and guys

[cardznutz]

Well I have taken my time posting here only a couple of times, but I feel more at home joining up with you survivors. I am a survivor. My old PDOC (Dr. King was my PDOC from March 2005 until Dec 2006 when she suddenly decided to take a sabbatical) said I should be amazed, proud and awed that I have survived as long as I have. By all statistics, I should be dead, in jail or under a bridge somewhere.

I will share my story over time, I am just getting my feet back under me from a rocky time at another site, one which left my two years of time with Dr. King basically invalidated, my inner beings (my Bears) are in disarray, and I feel hollow and alone.

I am actually trying to get sent to the PWARD here. I talked briefly with my wife of nearly 29 years (this July). She is not comfortable with my mental illness, it is something she knows about, has known of my past sexual abuse, mental and physical torture as a child but cannot deal with it so asks not to be included in talking about it. I don't like not having her "there for me" in this important part of me, but I respect that she admits to feeling overwhelmed, and unable to deal with it. It makes it hard. Last night I told her I wanted an appointment with the family doctor to try and arrange for a placement back in care. She simply said Oh. In that single word, I could see her hurt, her shame in me, and feel her already trying to figure out who would walk the dog while she is at work etc...

Talk about screwed up, worrying over who would walk the dog almost kept me up half the night... It almost convinced me not to seek help, until I realized I was procrastinating. I need professional help, therapy, and maybe a change in drug regimen to get out of this funk. I feel so hollow, so useless and so damned tired. Many of the people in this thread know me, and therefore I won't go into my ailments, just be aware that I have a laundry list of drugs I take to simply stay alive, top of which is Insulin, and then since last Dec I have been in major pain with torn shoulder muscles, so I am taking Percecet daily, sometimes twice a day just to cope.

Anyway, I try to keep on going. I have a lot to share, but honestly I am not sure I can do it all over again. Maybe...maybe like some people have suggested there is a book in me trying to come out. I can say one thing, and it is not calculated to upset women, but is a statement of fact: Men have a 100% harder time with the mental health system than women! Dr. King was a perfect example. She was not even going to take me seriously at first, because in her history with male patients they rarely follow up, don't take the medications properly, expect a miracle cure, and will not do the homework for therapy. In the end she thanked me for showing her that her assumptions where wrong. She said though that not only was her opinion typical, the entire mental health system seems geared to women. In doing Therapy homework and discussion with her (I don't do groups or social stuff well, I am not a nice person, and don't play well with others), we often laughed at the 'female' bias of the pages. Pampering oneself for instance was to take a fragrant bath, or buy something slinky and sexy, etc... Sorry gals that just ain't pampering in my book LOL (maybe for some he/she kinds of men). So we would laugh and say "insert male counterparts here".

The fact is I have was referred by Dr. King in December for ongoing care...I have not even received a call. In January my Family Doctor also referred me to the local Mental Health organization, and I have not received a call. I have called the COAST (crisis line) twice, and basically been told I seem to be functioning and 'there is no room at the inn for me'. Maybe if I took a machine gun and went to city hall they would all lament "why didn't he seek mental help"?

Anyway, this has been too long an introduction as it is. I think rather than post in my own thread I shall with Chocolatelover's permission use this thread to post my musings and thoughts as they come to me. If people are uneasy with that say so and I shall move on. I don't want to cause problems (I am always accused of doing just that).

[Dulcinea]

Hi survivor Cardznutz
My heart is breaking for your Rose saying "Oh" and wondering who will walk the dog! I just want to tell you I know how that feels. I heard that kind of response from my John for a long time. The response I got to the "I think I may kill myself , or I want to kill myself" was "no you won't". That used to scare the crap out of me. I also knew he was wondering who would watch the kids. It really made me scared I would "walk in front of the bus".
You may have said before that mental health is geared towards women, that is truly unfair! Im appalled and very sorry to hear that. I hope you get help soon. You may need new meds. Are you sure you aren't manic at times? The Abilify is helping me be more optimistic, and active, it is a great drug for me and I have been depressed since last June so I think I know of what I speak. LOL Even when I was manic I was depressed.

I think this thread is perfect for us J, lets hang here. If you want to. I'll bet your survival list is very long, but you HAVE to have affirmations in it too. That's the catch you have to talk yourself up! Something you almost never do. I think you need to start loving yourself, you are a really cool dude, you know.....oh, you don't know? Well, take it from me, won't you? I have a really high IQ if you care to know. And an eye/ear for quality. I KNOW you have a wonderful book in you, if people here knew some of the stories you told us before they'd be ROFL. BTY I am trying to get some of our old dialogues maybe I can retrieve some stories so you can have them for a book. It could even be a book of short stories. Part of your past and part your present. I would buy it. Well I ramble on....
Survive on survivors......
Fight the power

[cardznutz]

I am sort of treading water, and maybe that is all I am supposed to be able to do. I think sometimes part of the problem of having a MI is wanting more than can be attained. Like my oft used analogy to a woman waking up paraplegic in hospital after a party. If she gets stuck on requiring her cure to include walking, dancing and running again, she will never attain that cure (not in modern medicine as it stands), but if she moderates the requirement to be "cope with my disability and do as much as I can with it" then she can attain that cure, because as she learns to dress herself, and perhaps move in and out of bed, etc... she is making gains in reaching the cure. I think we often get stuck on wanting to be 'normal' (whatever the word conjours up for yourself) when in fact we should be looking at dealing within the limits of our disability (a mental illness is disabling to some degree in all of us).

I try, I really do try to realize that daily. I am not going back to work for a living, I am going to need my CPP Pension, and my Ontario Disability support for drugs and dental, because of my MI coupled with the vast number of other medical complaints. On good days I can see this is an attainable goal. It is when I seek to extend myself, to become a social being, to discourse with others, and add relevance to my life that I find I get frustrated. I think the KISS methodology is important for me. The more simple and plain I keep it, the lower my expectations, and desires, the more likely I am to be OK with what I have.

I think I have received such a whack to my stability over this MT thing, that I am reeling and wandering all over my mental landscape, grabbing at this bit of therapy, or that bit of therapy, when I think I may need a 'reset'. When your computer is overloaded, received a command it cannot process it 'locks up' and a reset is required...I think our minds might be like that too.

[AlteredState01]

Hmmm, I don't know if I have much of a strategy despite all the efforts from my therapists to have one, but there's one thing that always is - it's one day at a time!

Everyday is a new and interesting "adventure" for me in my own little world, whether I like what is happening or not.

And thanks for reminding us all that we truly are survivors, whatever our circumstances may be!


Altered State