I got so afraid that I called to get into see a doctor. My health anxiety is through the roof, so I need to get checked out. I'm still very afraid, but I feel like maybe I'm doing something rather than waiting to die. I can get my medical issue checked out and hopefully get something for my anxiety. They initially said 3-10 weeks to get in, but the person doing the actual schedule had a time for me next week. I hope I can make it. At the very least, I'll know what my situation is. I'm either really dying and will have confirmation or I'm not and will get myself fixed. The anxiety is the least of my worries, but it's the worst of my pain. Weird.

Also weird is that my overall mental and physical state seems to have improved. Maybe as a result of this?

On a plus note my friend should be back from their trip out of town, so if I need them to take my dogs they should be able to.

I talked to my brother just now. He's being super supportive which is most welcome. I finally let him know about feeling suicidal. He gave the standard response of, "don't do it, it's selfish." But at least he didn't belittle my feelings. It was a very good talk and I felt heard and supported. He even said he would help with my dogs if it came to it. If I come out of all of this OK, well even if I don't, I'm going to try to move and be closer the him and his family. They're all I have.

I feel a little better overall, but also a little down for being a burden on him and on you all. I guess that's the nature of my thinking though. I'm hoping that the doctor will listen to my concerns and get me some meds for my anxiety and for sleep. I know they come with their own side effects, but this is no way to live.

If you've read this can I ask that you at least give a thanks or something so I know. I hate to be so needy but I guess I am right now.

Thanks for reading.

I guess no one is reading these, so I'll update and then go back to lurking.

I'm still feeling a little better. I took some pain and sleep meds last night before bed, so I actually got some sleep. Maybe a full 7 hours. It was wonderful to have my brain shut off for that long. It's trying to jump back in this morning, but I'm keeping it at bay. I guess there isn't anything more to say. I'm just not that entertaining.

I hope you are well and I hope you get the support you need. Thanks for reading.

[TerryL]

Do you know why you feel anxious?

When I was a kid my mom was sick for almost a whole year and gone a lot in the hospital. My dad was also gone often to be with her. I never got my worries addressed. No one talked to me about what was going on. She recovered and lived another 20 years. My dad died when he was 54, not from a hereditary disease just a fluke. I am 54. This has bothered me for a decade. I feel like my clock is counting down. I've been preparing to die this whole last year. The pandemic made it worse. Now every ache or pain is the final nail. There have been many final nails. I can not get my mind to stop terrorizing me.

I'm not afraid of dying, in fact I almost welcome it. I am afraid of being sick and abandoning my dogs. Of literally becoming my parents. I deserved better when my mom was sick and my dogs deserve better now. I don't want them to hear any other voice or see any other face when they die. Just mine. That is a crushing regret that even now, before any of us die, is on the verge of killing me. I know there are no certainties and life does what it wants. That's part of the deal of living. Neither fair or unfair, it just is. I just don't know that I have the strength to keep going anymore.

I'm going to see a doctor because I was ready to end my life because my anxiety said there's no hope. I want confirmation from a clearer head before I take that step. I still will if necessary so my dogs and people don't have to suffer the uncertainty the way I have. And that might be the stupidest thing I've ever said. And that's the problem I face every waking moment.

Thank you for responding and asking a good question.

[TerryL]

i am sorry no one explained things to you when your mother was in the hospital. i am guessing no one comforted you either. that wasn't right. it must have felt so confusing and lonely and none of it was your fault.

when our carers fail us, it might help to try to find out why they were the way they were, and more importantly to know that that is not a reflection of your worth in this world. it might also help to try to find a way to care for yourself, even if it is in the smallest way.

please don't give up on life, not only for your dogs, but for yourself. you deserve to have a happy life.

My parents and grandparents lived in the rural mid west of the US, living on and growing up on farms. My grandparents during the depression, my parents through WWII and Korea. Things were tough. All of them very much had the attitude of keeping your head down, doing your job, not complaining, just feel fortunate that things aren't worse. While I had happy times with my family, they were always tempered with some sorrow. Like all of them wished things were better but they were afraid to say it. My dad had depression and maybe anxiety. Hell, all of them probably did. My mom's dad completed suicide. My dad was not a happy person for more than a day here and there. When he was away with my mom, my brother and I stayed with my dad's parents. They were the most "stoic" of the lot. They were never happy and rarely ever talked about anything but how things were when they were growing up. I almost know more about their childhoods than about my own. All of my grandparents and aunts and uncles are like that. So, while I was cared for, it was only enough to give me a place to be and the basic necessities. It felt like my life was on pause, waiting for something to happen. And then it was over with no explanation and I was expected to just get back to life, without answers.

I've looked into childhood emotional neglect and a lot of that resonates with me, but the idea of helping my inner child just seems so foreign. I have essentially been living a similar life to when I was a kid. Doing enough just to get through the day. I don't have have any hobbies or interests or goals or dreams. They all seem so out of reach, and why even reach for them if life is going to end before I accomplish any of them. So, I'm in a holding pattern waiting for the end. And I know that's a terrible way to live, I'm living it. That's when my anxiety will kick in and remind me of being a kid with lots of questions about life and not a single answer or even a person to ask. Without living through the depression (sure a few recessions) or any major war (except all of them over the last 20 years), I've turned into my parents and grandparents. Living their unhappy lives waiting to die, without ever thinking about whether it's what I want.

I know from a logical perspective that there is more available to me. That I can be happy. When I picked up my current female dog, I had a moment of total clarity and unimaginable joy and love. I still fondly remember that day, 10 years later, because it's so wonderful. I know those times are there, I've had a few.

Thanks again TerryL, you've been a great help and I appreciate your support and questions.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry for your Losses! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the wise and wonderful TerryL about being So Sorry that you weren't explained what happened. i do Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Are you currently seeing therapists? i feel like that may Help because from what you wrote it does seem like you're going through a lot. In any case it is good that you're already venting to the people you trust and trying to get help fromy our doctor i think. i Hope you will then get the help you're looking for then. Please do updated us if possible if you want to. i apologize for not seeing this thread sooner. Please do continue posting if possible if you want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @AgentQ9A, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Insomnium]

I know that for me personally, when I need help, simply the act of getting help makes me feel better. Like, knowing I'm doing something that will improve my quality of life.

Thank you very much for the support @Breaking Dawn, @MickeyCheeky and @Insomnium! It means a great deal to me, you have no idea. I mean you have no idea how much I need it right now. Thank you, thank you!

Just had a snuggle fest with my female dog and then a walk with both of them. I am at peace with the world at the moment.

Edit: And thanks again to everyone who're giving me support. You've helped keep me going.

I'm glad you're feeling better and are seeing a doctor. And a snuggle fest with doggo sounds simply wonderful.

Thanks @WovenGalaxy! She just loves love and attention. Sleeps right next to me at night. They are both amazing and I love them to pieces.

[TerryL]

it sure sounds like you were emotionally neglected as a child, even though it seems unintentional. your family doesn't seem to have had much happiness. that's really too bad. but it's not too late. i was emotionally neglected too in some ways but i have come to terms with it, and i have tried to fix it. it sounds mad but i would look in the mirror and say things to myself i wish i had heard from my carers;p i am hoping that if one does that enough, some of it might actually sink in and help to fill some of the voids. might not work but it also might. couldn't hurt to try and it might be very empowering. we all know what we need.

it doesn't help that covid and all this self-isolation is so stressful and depressing. what a year for you to turn 54! still, don't let that age hold you back. it's just a number.

i am glad you at least have your doggos.

Thanks TerryL! I continue to appreciate your support and input.

I got a text from my brother last night that said that he thought I could live to a ripe old age if I chose to. I initially wanted to respond with something about not believing that or whatever, but I paused a second and realized that, that tends to be my default response to bad situations. Not believing it will turn out in my favor. Now, I haven't just suddenly flipped a switch and changed my thoughts, I still don't necessarily think things will be OK. What I have decided to do was to try to live each day that I do have as well as I can. To spend more time with my dogs, to tell the people in my life how I feel about them, etc.

The universe will determine my fate, but I can determine how I respond. I may only have a few days or weeks or maybe years or decades, who knows, but my dogs will have good memories of our time and my people will know how I feel. It's all I can do. How can it be a wasted life, if I've given all of the love I have?

Thanks again to everyone offering support. You've saved my life.

[TerryL]

how wonderful your brother is so supportive! and yes, it's not easy to change our mindsets. just try to remember you really deserve to be happy.
your dogs are so lucky to have you.
enjoy all your precious times together with your loved ones

I'm freaking out a lot right now. My friend is away for the weekend and won't be back until Monday, but I don't know when. I would really like to have the option of getting my dogs somewhere safe. Just the option would help me calm down. They had shots but will have a followup in a couple weeks and then another couple before they can be kenneled. I am so worried for them right now. I do NOT want them to go with me if that's my ultimate decision.

So, so afraid right now. Not for me because I'm ready to go, but for my dogs. They don't deserve to go with me. They've done nothing but be supportive of me.

Sorry to be a downer. I just want my dogs to be safe right now.

Edit: Got some information that has me calming down. I guess my anxiety makes it seem like everything is terrible and I'm dying right now. As I get closer to my birthday and outliving my dad, it seems to get worse. The universe has 5 weeks to kill me. Breathe.

[unaluna]

I just saw this now. Anything i can do to help.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I just saw this now. Anything i can do to help.

Thanks, unaluna! No, things are better. My mind gets into a state when it spirals out of control. And it's been getting good at doing that in a hurry, so there's little time for me to stop it. Most of the time if I just wait it out, it will get better.

I have decided to be much more serious about my overall health, physical and mental. But at the moment both are holding and I'm OK. Was spiraling a bit earlier, but back to "normal" whatever that is.

Thanks again for your help today! I do appreciate it. You gave me a lot to think about.

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. But I'm really glad you're going to see a doctor and look after your own health. It shows that you still care about yourself, and that's a good sign.

Thanks downandlonely! I am feeling a LOT better now. I have my appointment next week and while I'm not excited to go, I am ready to get it done and see where things stand so I can get on with life. I had made a promise to the universe 18-ish months ago to be there for my dogs on their final days. I just made another, that should I get out of this in reasonable shape, I'm going to get myself rolling on moving out of here and getting the dogs and me closer to my brother and his family. Then do everything required to get my life restarted. It was a good day, despite the terror bump a bit earlier. Sometimes you need something to spur you to action. I've had several somethings the last week. Maybe the universe is telling me something and I'm only now hearing it.

Thanks again!

[downandlonely]

That's good news that you have a plan to make positive change in your life. Hope it goes well.

I was going to step back a little from posting, because I feel like I'm being too needy. But I wanted to update a little.

I had coffee with my friend this morning and they helped me start thinking a little more about... everything. One thing they did was to challenge me to go visit my brother and his family. I haven't seen my brother in 2 years and my nieces in probably 12. It's been too long. Now, I told my friend about thinking about moving closer to my brother and that the main driver of that was to give my pups and opportunity to become familiar with them, because I want them to be with my brother if something happens to me. So, the trip does have a dual or even triple purpose. For me to see my family, for my pups to get familiar with everyone and for me to see some of the area that I might move to. I still have things I need to do here but should everything work out, I'll probably be heading out there within a month. It's a long damn drive, but will be worth it because I can pass through the town I grew up in and the city I went to college in, neither of which I've seen in decades. Might be fun to reminisce. I could take a slightly different path back and stop at the city I went to grad school at (didn't graduate). We'll see, things are open.

Anyway, thanks once more for listening to my ranting. I do appreciate everyone's support!

[downandlonely]

You sound a lot better! I'm glad.

Nurse and doctor saw right away that my anxiety was out of control. He prescribed some Prozac, something (I don't remember) to get the glutamate down and gaba up, and some kind of pain med. Said to call him in 2 weeks and he'll up the dose of the Prozac. I felt better, because it felt like he was listening and taking my mental health seriously. We talked about my other medical issue and he seemed like it wasn't a worry. Older people take longer to heal muscle tweaks.

However with all the paperwork, I now have other things to worry about and I'm almost more anxious now than when I went in. I walked the dogs but rushed them to get home and snapped at them a couple of times. I hate what this is doing to me. Sorry to be a bother. I hope you are all doing OK. I'm glad I went and did get some relief, I just wish I didn't have more different things to worry about.