[DePressMe]

So many posts and yet so little time… I want everybody to know that I am sorry I have not been able to reply to as many posts as I typically do…life has just been a little busy lately. Also, some posts have been triggering me a little more than usual. So, I have had to take care of myself and be careful not to get overwhelmed. One post has been coming back to me over and over…the topic is having kids.

I have had mental health issues since I was a child and will probably struggle with them for the remainder of my life. Although I have periods of wellness, I am not mentally or emotionally stable enough to be able to take care of children. I realized this when I was young, so I had my tubes tied to prevent any accidents. Making the decision to never have children was difficult but I believe I made the right decision.

However, now, at 36 years old I am experiencing the biological clock syndrome—every cell in my body seems to think having a child is absolutely necessary to my survival. Intellectually, I understand this phenomenon and I know I am not capable of caring for another human being. But, that biological/hormonal push is still there. I am often overwhelmed by the desire to hold and nurse my own little baby—to give life to another human.

Some say maybe I can adopt or maybe I’ll end up in a relationship with somebody who already has kids. But, this push is more about me bringing life into this world…it is about me giving birth to my own child. It feels as if I am only a “partial” woman because I am childless—I am not whole—I am not fulfilling my destiny—if I don’t have a child, I will never know what it is like to truly be a woman.

And no, I can’t adopt because, as I said, I am not stable enough and I don’t see myself in a relationship with somebody who has young kids because I would not be able to handle the stress. So, I stand by my decision not to have children—it is still the right decision. But, that does not make this any easier.

I am upset that I struggle with mental illnesses. It does not seem fair. I am frustrated, angry, sad…yes, I am being responsible, but it still hurts. Why me? Why do I have to be the one with mental illnesses? I feel like I have been robbed of a basic human right. These illnesses have taken so much from me and they continue to take and take…does it ever end?

((((((((depressedme))))))))))))

Please dont be so hard on yourself, I have been unstable all my life, I have raised my kids to the best of my ability and they are stable, loved and well balanced .... You could have the operation reversed.....I'm sorry if this is the wrong advice, but you are not too old ..... I'm so sorry you are feeling like this

All I can offer apart from the above is a great big hug and hope you can feel peace ...... you are aiming to get better, know I care........

Kerry xxxxxx

[Cthomas]

De,
I feel the same way about having kids. but I did lose one. not my fault, just gods way of taking over. I think he knew better than i did. and he was right at the time. but i know the yearning for a kid. i know the posts you have read. I had to back away from that too.

It unfortunately never ends, Im 39 and that was 8 years ago. I still feel the same way. But it DOES get easier. It sucks yes, but it gets easier to deal with. I hope you can feel better soon.

Colleen

[gardenergirl]

I feel your pain about how mental illness has affected life choices in ways that hurt. I'm struggling with the kid thing, too, right now, and grieving what most likely will never be. Regardless of how right a decision is, it can still hurt terribly when it's a decision to give up something so meaningful. I'm sorry you're hurting.

gg

[bebop]

depressed hon all I can do is give you ((((((((hugs))))))) I do have 2 children but had a hysterectomy when I was 24. not something I chose to do. I wanted another child and it be born into a loving home. both of mine were oops children but I love them just the same. It did not stop me wanting another or 2. I know how you feel about being cheated but not like you. I am very sorry you stuggle with the issues and if I can help in any way hon please feel free to pm. even at 50 I would love to be able to have one.

[AAAAA]

(((((DePressMe)))))

I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way right now. I do not mean to belittle your feelings in any way, but you are such an awesome person and so talented. You’ve overcome so much and accomplished so much that for you to say you feel in any way inadequate baffles me.

You know yourself better than anyone else. To acknowledge that having children isn’t right for you is amazing. You cared enough and were responsible enough to take steps to make sure that this was not thrust upon you without planning it out.

I understand exactly what you’re saying about YOU bringing a new life into the world, and if we knew each other in rl, and you asked my opinion I would have told you that the things that you’ve overcome, accomplished, and your insight are all components of being an excellent mother.

I’m not sure how large of a community you live in or how rural your area is, but is there a program there that you can volunteer to hold and rock sick babies at the hospital? Read to ill children? I know it’s not the same, but you have so much to offer and it might make you feel more fulfilled to share yourself with those that really need it. Mentor a young budding artist such as yourself. Right now your art is your legacy, and I must say it’s pretty impressive.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that you are able to come to peace with yourself.

hmmmmmmm..... It seems to me that what might help is that you work on changing what you value within yourself. There are many many people out there that can't have children for various reasons and they most likely have had to change their way of thinking if they felt pro-creating was such a huge value.

I hope I'm not sounding callous or cold-- it's not my intention.

It can be helpful for some that have made certain choices-- like you have (having your tubes tied) to come to terms with those choices(if you don't feel parenting is an option) and find new values that give your life a lift.

I have a sister that could never get pregnant, a niece(from a different sister- of course, I had 5 sisters, now I have 4)) that is developmentally unable to care for a child and so she has had the operation like you did. They both would love to have a child-- however, they have had to come to terms with their reality. My niece helps every Sunday at her church with the Sunday School and the kids just LOVE her. My sister has become a type of "auntie" to her friends' children and they lover her and they will always have a special bond-- yet she doesn't have the responsibilty of a child- 24/7. (she struggles with staying clean from alcohol-- but part time mothering works great for her.)

I think it's an issue of accepting what you feel is your reality. Maybe you swore you wouldn't have kids so they woudln't go through what you went through...... maybe not having a role-model of proper mothering, you feel it's best to not try and take that huge job on(and understandably, it's the hardest job in the world-IMO) Whatever the various reasons-- it would be beneficial to realize those reasons and try to come to peace with it.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. I hope I've not offended, I was hoping to help you feel better about things. don't know if I was understood that way though-- I do hope so.......

DePressedMe--

mandy

[DePressMe]

Thanks all of you for your kind and thoughtful words...I always know I can come here for support and caring...this is something I will get over--it will take time. It feels good to know I am not alone.

[MyBestKids2]

I applaud and admire your attitude DePressMe.

I wouldn't trade my kids in for anything. However, I may have made a selfish decision in deciding to bear and attempt to raise children. My "history" should have been a loud warning, I guess I didn't listen.

You are a very caring, kind, and wonderful person. Keep looking forward!

[GoodMama]

<font color="red"><center> ((((((((((((((((((Depressme))))))))))))))))))) </center> </font>

I am sending you so many warm and gentle hugs right now! I hope you can feel them and know they're not threatening but full of love.

My story is a little different ... I wanted children, tried several times, but never could carry one to term. At 40 I had a complete hysterectomy. 40! I knew I was already at the outer limits but I yearned for a child of my own, as you do.

Yes, I was probably stronger than you are now, but I honestly don't think that's the point. YOU are stronger than you know, too! I see it every time I read on the forums ... people here who hurt because of mental illness who NEVER see their own strength, as I see it in YOU. I know you won't believe me ... my own blessing, my newest daughter, doesn't see it in herself either. It's one part of what you all share that hurts ME the most ... that you don't see your own strength.

SO ... I knew I'd never have a child of my own ... but I WAS SO WRONG! I believe God <u>never</u> closes a door that He doesn't open another. My first "child" came nearly 5 years later, a son. He was away from home, in a foreign country, and God put him in my path when he most needed a second mother. He was burned over 70% of his body and I was there! Because he told the doctors I was his mother, I could make decisions until his own parents could make the trip to the US. He's back in his own home country now but I'm still Mama and always will be.

My other 4 children came gradually over the last 15 years, with my newest coming to me a year or so ago. This is my blessing, my newest daughter, and God knows, she needed me ... and I needed her. I am her mother! I am the only mother she's ever known who loves her unconditionally, who supports her, who <u>tries</u> to understand her. I didn't run away when she tried to push me away. I haven't run away, even as I learned more and more about her mental illnesses ... including SI. I am her mother! GOD opened that door, De.

Trust isn't something that comes easily, I know that. I also know, because I've read so many of your posts, that YOU have it in YOU to trust! Your friends here have rallied around you. Your friends here will help you. But even more, GOD will help you. You don't need to afraid with that kind of support!

Sorry I got so long-winded ... but it's important that you KNOW whether a child is from your body or that child is from your heart ... when you open yourself up to God, He will help. And there's no better help than that!

So try not to worry ... we're all here for you ... and so is God!

I'm still trying to be a better and better ...

GoodMama

[lenjan]

I had an unintended pregnancy in my early 20s and rather quickly realized that I wasn't going to be able to raise a child with the complete lack of support I was facing, from my family to the, uh, "donor," let's just say -- he doesn't qualify as a father. I had horrible parenting role models and I was at least self-aware enough to know that I would ruin a child's life.

I chose to go through with the pregnancy and place my son for adoption. It was and is life-altering. The grief can be soul-crushing. It is the primary cause of my mental health issues, even moreso than my childhood abuse. I am beyond blessed because about 4 years ago, his adoptive mom decided to seek me out, and has been wonderful about providing pictures and info. For the last couple years, I have had direct email contact with my son himself. It's been very healing -- but not enough.

I grieve that I was not stable enough, mature enough, to see through what I started and raise my son myself. But I knew when I held him for the first time that he deserved much more than he was going to get from me. He's had an absolutely blessed, charmed life and I am ecstatic for him.

I eventually did enough work on myself that I thought I might be able to be a good mom, but it was bordering on too late, biologically, by the time I got there, and there were no potential daddies in the picture. I believe children do better with two parents who are committed to each other and to the child.

But I have found other ways to have kids in my life. I really don't do well with little ones. They're cute, but they're an insane amount of time and energy, and I'm not always very patient. Teaching college for several years allowed me to mentor dozens of students at an age group I could cope with, and many of them stay in touch with me, years after they left my class. That is very gratifying, to know I have affected someone's life at an age where I needed what I was giving them and didn't get for myself. Two of them wrote me glowing letters of recommendation when I was seeking a teaching job here.

Could you teach art? Could you look into Big Brothers/Big Sisters? The school district here has mentoring programs, where adults take an hour or so a week during the school day to spend with an at-risk child and talk, or play games, or help with homework. Maybe there is something like that in your area.

I never really felt like I would be an incomplete woman if I didn't give birth, but having done so and not having had the opportunity to raise that child has been devastating. I've learned to compensate for the crater in my heart in other ways. And really, you create life too, in your art. It's just via a different method.

(((((((((DPM))))))))

[tulips30]

I cannot really give you any advice. However, after many years of infertility and then being blessed with the adoption of 2 healthy newborn baby girls, I can tell you one TRUTH.......................Fertility and the issues that surround it & being childless are SEPARATE ISSUES. Obviously, they do intersect, but must be considered and dealt with separately. It took me a lot of therapy to finally figure that out.
Good luck to you

[Danialla]

DePressMe,

This is very sad, but I do think you did the right thing. I too have struggled with my mental illness since I was young. My first suicide attempt was when I was 11...trust me it was no "cry for help" I ended up very ill.

If someone had told me that the mental illness I have and fight everyday of my life, could be inherited, I too would have made the decision to never have children. Unfortunately, no one even mentioned the possibility and sadly I never even thought about it. I really thought I only needed to mature, that I would grow out of it.

I had 4 children, 2 children deal with depression.. probably due to my own instability, but my youngest, she has my mental illness. That is more than sad.... it is awful!

I see my daughter have to deal with this illness and I feel so guilty and so responsible. Now the doctors try to point out that I am her best advocate, that I can help her because of my own experience, not much comfort to me really.. In fact a few years ago I was hospitalized because during a bout of my own psychotic depression I had planned to kill myself and my daughter to put us both out of our misery and struggles. It was a very difficult time for all of us.

My daughter struggles still, but the medications that they have now, therapy, and yes my own experiences, have helped her attain a level of functioning that I had never hoped was possible for myself.

Is it still hard? Do I still feel guilty and responsible for her pain and struggles, OH MY GOD YES!!!!

Looking back over my families life and even considering all the wonderful memories I have of all my children and hope to have in the future (although I really doubt that I will last that long), given a choice I would never have had children. It was/is far to painful and my daughter now feels the same way. We now know that my illness can be inherited, was inherited, and both feel that the struggles and pain this illness brings even on good days needs to stop somewhere. I am just sorry it wasn't with me.

Please take care of yourself and know that someone really admires your selfless decision.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
tulips30 said:
...one TRUTH.......................Fertility and the issues that surround it & being childless are SEPARATE ISSUES. Obviously, they do intersect, but must be considered and dealt with separately. It took me a lot of therapy to finally figure that out.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> THANK YOU so much for sharing that tulips!! as a person of adoption we're often struck how often this is confused and tangled up in the minds of many.

to the OP thank you so much for this thread. a very compassionate and interesting look at the issues surrounding your topic.

[DePressMe]

Yes, I think the desire to have a baby is separate from “being a mother.” It is true I can “be a mother” and nurture kids in many other ways, but that is not what this is about. This feeling of not being whole because I am not having a baby seems to be part of my identity…it is more complex and separate from actually fulfilling the role of mother. Part of me thinks it may be a natural, biological part of being a woman. It just seems so…so, physical…like an instinct. I really feel for every woman out there who wants to have a child but can’t…

I know, given time, this will fade and I will come to accept it. More than anything, I think this is affecting me now because of my age—because of the stage of life I am in—I think it is normal to feel this way.

Thanks everybody for the wonderful support—I truly appreciate each and every one of you….