Building a Whole New Life

So I met with my dept Director yesterday for a half hour.

He said he will think about my proposal for a reporting structure change.

He listened and was attentive and seemingly sympathetic.

However, at one point he did ask if I thought perhaps some of the tension I feel with other cross functional teams is self-inflicted. That came straight from my annual review, from a colleague's review of me, and from my boss's mouth.

So, ultimately, they are blaming ME for my boss's inability to head up this function within the company, alongside me.

So the blame game continues.... people in my company sure like to place blame and pass the buck.

I applied for another job yesterday.

I think that's better than making you go through the interview while they've already selected someone else. That's been done before.

Have Hope.......HAVE HOPE ! I keep forgetting how many times I've made it through some VERY difficult situations. I I'd with you greatly. I was just simply told that if I want to change something, we'll..., I have to change something !
I know it's not easy but I need love in my life. There are good people out there , just have to put myself in the " path of probabilities ".
I could go on but I just want to say to you , as a fellow human who understands your pain , just think of the best way to change your situation , even if it's just baby steps in the beginning.

True, and great point!

Hi there, thanks so much for your encouragement! Much appreciated.

As for love, I cannot yet really put myself out there for love. I don't like most people and think most people suck. I am in no mood or position to start weeding through all the frogs to find my diamond. I want my diamond to find me somehow, organically.

As for changing things that are wrong in my life, I am working on changing my job situation at the moment, and for me, that's enough. One big issue at a time, and this is the biggest, most problematic issue on my plate at the moment. So, I am working on it.

I have faith in God and in prayer that a lifelong partner will come along in my life. I am holding onto faith, hope, and prayers.

I saw Mr fun guy Friday night and went over his house. We were having a great time, then suddenly somehow things changed and before I knew it, I had become angry at him for weird stuff he was saying to me. It was late so I crashed in his bed for a bit then drove home at 6 am. I was upset and left him feeling very disappointed. There’s also another woman in the picture so I have competition. I’m backing off. I will not reach out to him. Thing is, I’m going to a music festival in a few weeks and he will be there.. but I hope not with another woman. I had asked him on a date but he didn’t follow up. Now I know why. He was busy talking to her. He had even said yes to me about a date but kept putting me off. I felt hurt.

I’m not dating but this is a guy I’ve liked for a while. We’ve only been casual but I wanted to hangout more.

Looks like nothing is happening now. And I’m definitely not reaching out to him.

Thing is., I am not sure if I am responsible for things going downhill Friday night with mr fun guy, or if he is. I think he is, but now the details are fuzzier.

I've been obsessing over it ever since, feeling bad about it, and uncertain. I wish I knew.

And I am on edge not knowing what my Director will decide about me changing bosses. I applied for another job last week, and haven't found another. I've been approached by recruiters for roles that I have turned down. In the meantime, my morale is pretty low and my productivity at work, even lower. This cannot go on like this. It must be resolved.

Hang in there!

Thanks @Bill3!!

I got scammed buying sneakers on eBay, checking out as a "guest". I have opened a case report and they are investigating it.

Long story short, the item was shipped from China to Arizona, where someone picked up my item at a post office. I live on the East Coast, USA - my address was clear as day in the order confirmation. I have screenshots of all the evidence and the tracking of the package to being picked up in Arizona. One way or another, I am going to either receive this item properly, or get a full refund from eBay.

I am incredibly annoyed. These are adorable New Balance pink 9060 sneakers that I got half priced.

Ok, lesson learned. Never check out as a guest on eBay! I do have an account, I was just lazy or something and didn't login.

Oye!!!

Oh no! I do hope you get reimbursed! If you used a credit card and Ebay refuses to give you a refund, you might be able to reverse the charge. But give Ebay time to respond to your complaint first.

Thanks, me too!!! It was all $80 after all... I should be reimbursed!!!! I charged it to my Paypal.

I went out with a new male friend last night. We've gotten to know each other over the last few weeks, we've been texting a lot and hanging out together casually here and there. We're just friends, but I think he may be interested in more.

Well, I noticed my people-pleasing narcissistic abuse victim mentality coming out with him last night after the band ended. The show was 8-10:30. We arrived at 7 and the show ended early at 10:30. Well, I could tell he wanted to hang out more or go somewhere else, but I was concerned about drinking and driving and I didn't want to just go to another bar and sit for an hour drinking water. There was nowhere to really hang out after, so I said I was heading home. I could tell he was disappointed since he commented about me being "an early bird", meaning I go to bed early and wake up early.

My people-pleasing nature therefore felt guilty this morning for doing what I wanted to do - which was to leave right after the band finished. I did not see a need nor did I have the desire to go to another bar, or hang out in our car talking and listening to music. I also didn't want to put myself into any kind of awkward position with him. Meaning, I did not want to open up the possibility for a goodnight kiss, so I said goodnight and went home.

So why should I feel guilty about putting my needs and desires first? Because of narcissistic abuse. I am so conditioned to put others' needs and wants ahead of mine that I feel guilty for placing my needs ahead of other people's stated desires.

I still have some ground to cover in my recovery from narc abuse. SIGH... It's disheartening.

"...I noticed my people-pleasing narcissistic abuse victim mentality coming out..."

This is a good thing! Well done!

Feelings are whatever they are. Often we can’t control them. When those feelings arise, you can say to them “Oh yes, there you are again. I may not be able to get rid of you, but you aren’t in charge.. I’m driving this bus.”

You drove the bus well! Good work!

Thanks! I am happy I caught onto it!!!

I love the analogy! And thank you!!!

I woke up at 3:30 am this morning from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. So I am awake and it's only 4:00 am. I've had coffee already.

Then I started watching Instagram videos and the tears started to flow.

I am a mess. I am in no shape to be dating anyone.... I am still healing, and am not healed yet from everything.

I am struggling with the first half of my life being such a disaster.

This new guy I am hanging out with - I keep spilling out details about my troubled past. I wasn't happy many many years ago, my ex husband abused me, many bosses have bullied me, I have been in multiple toxic relationships, I had a very difficult time getting my career off the ground... the list and details go on. I feel like a tragedy, and I cannot seem to stop myself from telling him these things about myself.

How do you talk about your life without talking about your past?

And this new-ish female friend I am camping with in a few weeks - yesterday I had a dreadful feeling that she is not as nice as I think she is, and that something dark is there beneath the surface within her. She has trouble being monogamous, which is not me at all. She is a cheater, and I am starting to wonder if she likes the thrill of being secretive as a part of the whole thing. I've suggested she be in an open relationship, yet she is resistant for some reason, even though she has already cheated on and hurt her partner and relationship. She continues to talk about struggling with monogamy, yet is resistant to my suggestion. That's why I am suspecting she likes the thrill of secrecy, and it's possible she even said as much to me.

There's something about her I don't fully trust. And whenever we are out together at a music club together, she talks to everyone except for ME. She speaks very little to me, but is a social butterfly around strangers - and I find that behavior to be strange. I feel neglected.

And here we are going to a 3-day camping music festival together, just the two of us, and I am getting nervous about the situation. Will I be ignored the whole time? Will she invite other people to our campsite and ignore me? How will it be being there with her? I am getting more and more nervous to the point of ALMOST wanting to back out - but I can't back out - it's far too late in our planning and we've bought many things for the trip and have had many conversations about what to bring with us.

I cannot go through yet another toxic friendship and friendship breakup. I've had far too many of those situations since my divorce.

So these thoughts are swirling around in my head this morning and I feel distraught.

Not to mention the negative situation with my boss at work and being on pins and needles waiting for our dept Director to get back to me about a change in bosses. I know he will say, or I suspect he will say, that it is not feasible and that he still recommends that I approach Human Resources as a next step. I declined already that suggestion, telling him I am concerned about things getting worse and not better.

I have SO much on my mind these days. I am a wreck.