Childs strange behavior

*Beware, sexual content, discussion of sexual abuse*



I wasn't sure where to post this.

But I had a question regarding my friends child and was wondering ya'lls opinion on this matter.

My neighbor/friend has two children ages 3 and 5. Sometimes I'd let her kids come over when she'd call whining about how they're driving her nuts. Her kids are very well behaved for me most of the time and it gives my kids something to do, so I let them come over to play.

Well, yesterday I let her 3 year old daughter come over right before I left for class. My husband said he'd be fine with the children so I left for my short Tuesday class.

Class let out early and I came home. The three year old had already gone. I asked my husband where she was and he said "I sent her home, she's not allowed to come here anymore". I found that very odd because my husband has a soft heart for kids and never sent them home, I was the one that had to send them home.

I asked my husband what happened and he told me how the little girl kept going into the bathroom and taking off her clothes. At first I was like...big deal, my two year old can't keep clothes on neither, but then he said she kept calling me to the bathroom. Before he continued telling the rest of the story he made me swear I wouldn't say anything to my friend. I swore to him, and he continued saying that when he cracked the door to tell her to put her clothes back on she opened it up and tried to grab his private parts. The look on my husband face was pure horror, this definitely bothered him. He said after that he shut the door and waited for her to come out dressed not knowing what to do, then sent her home when she did.

I feel horrible for my husband because I know this had to've scared the beejezez out of him. He certainly didn't understand and neither did I. He tried to convince me to never allow her over again but I couldn't promise that...so we agreed that I'd always have to be here and she couldn't be alone in the toy room with our children, just in case she tries to be inappropriate with them.

It's a scary situation. I've questioned...was she abused? If so, who would do this to her? I can't imagine who...it could be so many different people, I'm not sure what to do.

When I got to thinking about her I noticed that she had many signs of abuse but I never correlated the two. Like she says the strangest sexual things and she's very odd with men. I also recall my friend telling me that it was wrong for my son and daughter to share a room because when her son and daughter shared a room she walked in on them touching one another. For some reason I didn't think much of it....I just thought, "their babies and probably curious".

All I know, as far as this circumstance goes, is my friend was sexually abused all her life....maybe, somehow, her behaviors passed on to her daughter and it just SEEMS she's been sexually abused. Odviously I'm trying to understand.



The last thing I want to do is alienate this little girl, or ask her any questions. I'm to scared to go to my friend too because I KNOW she will be on the defensive, especially with her experiences.

My husband says to let it go and mind my business, focus on my kids......BUT, if Hailee (that's the lil girls name) is being abused I want to know and I want to know now. My husband says if somehow he ever finds out who's doing this...he will hurt them so maybe it's best we never mention it again.

What should I do....I'm seriously stumped and concerned.

I would, together with your husband, matter-of-factly tell your friend/neighbor about the incident and all that happened (would be helpful if your husband could tell it), despite how she may react. She has to know, she cannot do anything or help her child unless she knows. There is no easy/comfortable way out of this?

I would be careful in telling your friend - especially if you think she is going to be defensive. Since you husband was the only adult to observe this, I would be worried that if you friend incorrectly questioned her daughter then somehow, perhaps, it could get turned around into something that your husband caused or did. I agree with your husband because of the risk to him, I would not have the child in my home again - If you cannot do that then I would not allow the child, for your husband's sake, to come over without at least 2 adults, together at all times, supervising. I do not mean to cause you alarm but I work in a field that often deals with these issues and it is scary to me how the stories can get turned around by someone who incorrectly questions a child. If you observe the behavior again you might even consider calling CPS instead of first telling your friend. IDK - it is a hard choice.

That's my number fear is that my husband could be accused of something wrong and I think he fears that as well. I can't imagine how weirded out he is.

Personally, I know this will sound crazy, but I've gotten weird vibes around the little girls uncles. I also think the way my friends father speaks to his daughter is VERY weird...I couldn't imagine my dad talking to me the way he speaks to them. But, I don't know for sure and I can't accuse anybody...it's to serious to make assumptions.

I will be talking to somebody who's acknowledged with this sort of thing and she'll give me suggestions on what to do without telling anybody.

I feel sorry for both the little girl. My husband and I have befriended the children, taken them places...places they've never been like camping and Chuck E Cheese. These children have no idea about the world outside their home and we enjoyed showing them what it was like....makes me realize how lucky my babies are and how soft my husband actually is under his tough exterior....he just wanted to help and I just wanted to help and now it's gotten weird on us. Sadly for the children this minute of a situation will change everything.

I would respond as best I could if they were my girls. I think if both you and your husband are there the he said/she said accusation thing is less likely to happen. Your husband wouldn't tell the mother on himself. Your friend is likely to know the truth in herself once she thinks and looks at it like you have and you could be very supportive and helpful to her being a safe place for her daughters while she works it all out.

I agree it could get ugly for you and your family for awhile though but I would feel better facing any possible difficulties than pretending there aren't any. It is possible if your friend/neighbor eventually finds out or if the little girl "remembers" later in life that the change in you all's behavior toward her and the family could make you all look suspicious in someone's eyes. I would act first rather than have to respond from a harder place later and feel all the fear and uncertainty until that happens.

You and your husband need to have faith in yourselves and your knowledge of who you each are and project that. Your husband is not a child molester. There isn't anything in his bearing, manner, behavior, etc. or your own children's lives that would suggest that.

True Perna...

if we both said "hey, something ain't right and this is why" then it looks better. My husband would be difficult to convince though. Maybe if we were all sitting around and relaxing then we could nonchalantly bring it up and briefly give the story. She knows my husband well and actually has had him babysit while she ran somewhere while I was at work before...so she does trust him. I remember my husband saying "this is so weird because she had never did anything like that before". So maybe something happened to her recently and the behavior before was just from talking dirty around her. IDK...I wish I did, so I could do something. I'd really hate to find out it's somebody with in our circle....my husband's quiet and laid back but I've seen him put the whoop down before and I'd fear for whoever it is. I think deep down, like me, he loves those kids too or he wouldn't have said that. Or maybe it's the general jist of it...all molesters deserve some *** whoopin.

I'm not as worried about anybody accusing my husband as much as he is....because everybody knows him.

Since the mother had experienced molestation in her childhood you'd figure she's notice her daughters behavior....but she's not like me when it comes to mothering and doesn't pay much attention to them. Also, the little girl spends a lot of time at her Maw maw's more then she does at home....the uncles still live there was why I mentioned that. The women doesn't even have electricity or heat, so I don't know why she continues to send her daughter there. *shrugs*

My husband will be home soon, we'll sit and discuss this the minute we have peace....which may not be till after I get home from class and talk to my Soc. professor about this. Either way something has to be said.

If all comes down to me bringing it up on my own I think I'll mention my concern and list other reasons and just not bring that story up..because I did promise my husband I wouldn't.

Des, what I found out in my own therapy as a molested child is that a three year old doesn't have a clue what sex and/or the genitals are about. Someone had to teach me, as well as those little kids, what sex is about! It is NOT normal behavior for a three year old!

I hope CPS has more on the ball where you live than where I live. They cause more problems here than they are worth!

Did you say your friend was sexually abused as a child? Could it have been her brothers?? At any rate, if CPS is worth their salt, it should be THEY that investigate who is doing this.

It sure is a tough one to call. Tread carefully as you go!

This is a scary situation. I would even think of talking to a lawyer before I did anything. This is a terrible world where the victims get blamed. My intuition is telling me that something is seriously wrong here.

I might laughingly tell the girl's mother, "Your daughter keeps taking her clothes off when she's at my house. What's up with that?" And see what she says.

I'm glad you are talking to an expert. Please let us know what happens?

Wow, this is really a frightening thing, and frankly I don't know who I would call, definately her mother. I have known of very young children that have discovered their own private parts and ....

But never ever have I heard of a child that young "playing doctor". And it's been my experience that when children hit that stage of curiosity the very last person that they're going to explore with is an adult! For a three year old to strip (also a very natural thing in and of itself) and call your husband in....

That is simply beyond words. Really. A three year old's world is very small, something is not right. Your friend separating her kids does not appear to be doing the trick. I PRAY that her behavior is prompted by the older child's experimentation. He really needs the "this is not appropriate" talk!

I would tell the parent what happened (in a way that is very carefully concerned and not at all accusatory of her parenting skills or anything like that). And maybe ask if she has noticed anything odd with her kid. It might be that she is slightly worried but is scared to talk to anyone about it for fear that she will be blamed. It might be that she thinks such behavior is normal.

It is hard to know what is going on... But I'd say that yeah, the kid doesn't sound too happy and it would be nice if she could get some gentle help in learning what is and is not appropriate. I can't see that it would be particularly helpful to start running through a list of all possible abusers, because you don't know that she has been abused. Though her behavior is, of course, suggestive.

sorry but if it were me I would call childrens services and not even talk to the mom. she would have to know something is going on. when my hubby and I were going thru foster care classes this is one classic sign she is being abused. by pass the mom.

It was difficult thing to do, but I went to my teacher. She encouraged that I talk to my friend because the situation it complicated and there's a possibility she may have seen something on TV or have been abused...there's no way for me to know for sure.

Sooo, I talked to my friend leaving out the story about my husband and at first she looked pissed...maybe she is. But the point is it's not about her but her daughter anyway right? She was defensive like I thought. She kept asking me "who do you think would teach her that or do something to her"? She was waiting for me to point the finger...but there was no way I was going to do that. I said, to watch closely and see how she changed around certain people....just watch and keep her at HOME (hint) for awhile. Hopefully she'll take consideration in what I think. Now it is out of my hands.

But if the mother is doing the abusing then you won't have changed anything. And now by talking to her you've limited your behaviour anyway because now you can't really contact any outside service unless certain the child is being abused. And the mother could tell you anything about how the child's progressing.

I'm glad you did something, at least told the mother something so she can have it in the back of her mind. Defensiveness is often fear; she now has a problem and since you brought it to her, she may think you cannot help her? I don't know how you can reassure her and let her know you are still there as a friend (or if you are upset enough you do not want to have anything more to do with the family).

Your husband is right to be wary....and what the wee tot did is disturbing. Like SeptemberMorn...I feel that a child had to have been shown that somehow. Its frightening, and its not something any of us wants to believe...but it happens. I would be worried.

I'm glad that you did something, while I'm not prepared to jump to the worst conclusion. I think, based on previous conversations you had with her (her telling you that you're kids should not be in the same room) that her older child, the son has been curious and recruited his younger sister. I'm not prepared to lable that natural curiosity abuse, but the boy definately needs to be told in no uncertain terms that behavior (self exploration) is private and needs to be done alone.

I babysat my cousin when she was a baby/toddler, she discovered her private parts long before I did and I'm 12 years older than she is. She'd drink her bottle and rub herself at two. I didn't even know what she was doing at the time.

BUT and it is a big but it is unnatural in my opinion for someone that age to look for another person to participate. Which leads me to the brother theory.

I don't envy her mom, that's a lot to process.

Yes...I'm worried about the Mom now because she's not going to trust anybody till she solves this problem.

I know my friend isn't the abuser...she's not the most loving mother but she's very protective and I'm with her and her children all the time...there's no type of vibe or behavior that would lead me too believe it.

I talked to her again since then and she said she wasn't going to let her daughter go to her maw maws for awhile, not till she observes the uncles a little more. The uncles are teen boys...I've always despised them personality because of how sexist they are. They truly believe women are possessions and useful for only certain things. I've smacked the younger uncle before for one of his perverted comments....I think their most capable, but like I said there's no evidence for me to accuse upon.

Hopefully my friend will get this figured out before it happens any further or if it happens for the first time...whatever.

Has anyone flat out asked the girl why she does this? If anyone has touched her or asked her to touch them? She might just surprise everyone by answering.

Having been abused I walked a very fine line with my kids. I wanted them to be safe but not paranoid. Frankly I don't know how I did it. When we returned to my home town for a visit, the man that molested me is still running loose and I pointed him out to my daughter and told her never to be alone with him. (It's hard because he latched on to my uncle).

My uncle lives in this area but has a vacation home in our hometown. He loves my daughter to death, and would call out when she walked by to come and visit, if Philip was there, she would tell him that she couldn't. He was very angry with me and said that there's no way in hell he'd ever let Philip harm her. I pointed out that Philip was my father's best friend and my father certainly didn't give him permission. It did affect their relationship in the long run, and I'm sorry for that, but if he was willing to have a known child molester in his home, my daughter wasn't going to be his next victim.

I really feel for your friend and I hope she finds answers soon.

I can recall psychology classes in child development and children will often be very vocal or expressive when they first discover "private parts" Many times, parents get condemned for a child's naturally expressed fascination with the anatomy.

If there is concern about other evidence on the body of possible abuse notify authorities. If this is solely based on that behaviour, I would say be cautious about allowing the child over and even videotaping a visit if both parents are around and the child comes to visit.

A consultation with a lawyer might be of interest due to paranoia in our society rather than because of the child.

That is my two cents worth.

i hope the child is safe..

I think that it would be fairly normal for a parent to feel a little defensive if they thought their parenting was being criticised. Your friend might well have been waiting for you to attack her - I'm glad that you didn't.

Sounds like she IS taking this seriously, but that she too doesn't know where this is coming from (though she has a hypothesis). Sounds like she is doing the best she can, but she isn't too sure on what is best in this situation. It IS possible that she picked up the behaviour from TV or something like that. So it is important not to go jumping to conclusions about who might be abusing her. That being said her behaviour is suggestive.

Three might be a little young... But I guess her mother could try asking her (in a non-leading way) where she picked up that behaviour. Though if she doesn't do that around her mother then that might be harder...

Another option would be to take her to a NON LEADING child psychologist or something like that. To teach her that the behaviour isn't appropriate, and maybe to help figure out where the behaviour is coming from.

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alexandra_k said:

Another option would be to take her to a NON LEADING child psychologist or something like that. To teach her that the behaviour isn't appropriate, and maybe to help figure out where the behaviour is coming from.

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This is the most ideal. Its very important to be non leading so as to not confuse a child this small further or make her go along with something that may not be true. But, I also think its very important that people take action in a situation like this, just in case. Just have to tread very carefully. You also don't want to further traumatize the child if something is going on.

Please keep us updated, I'd really like to know what happens.

So far...the child is not home. She was sent to her maw maw's house again. I wouldn't have done that till I gotten to the bottom of this situation, but that's just me.

I'm not sure what came of the situation yet because my friend hasn't brought it up since.

All I know is the little girls been sick and laid up in bed till she went to her maw maws.

I wish there was some way I could ask her...but I'm waaaay to scared to even try.