PREGNANT!! How is this possible??? I want to die.

Well, the end to a couple of happy days. No I was not kidding. I just dont get how this was possible.

With my eating disorder, my cycles have been abnormal. My regular "little visitor", only came for 2 days last time.

Since losing our last baby, its been hard on this entire family. My doctor does not feel it would be likely to be able to safely carry a child. It devestated us with this loss, only 4 months ago.

Ever since then, the intimacy part of our relationship has not been strong. Not kidding, I got pregnant, with use of birth control, the second time we have been able to (well you know) since we lost our last one. And with my body being so out of whack, how could this happen. If I am being put to some kind of test to see how far I can be pushed, well I am finally past this. I am done. What the hell am I going to do?? How can I carry a child with this disorder, with the warnings from 3 doctors, and deal with everything else?? Sorry, not me. Can't do this. I just want to sit here and cry till I waste away.

I love children, please dont get me wrong, but in all reality, huh like this is such a wonderful idea to bring a child into this mess. Damn it, why??? I considered taking any pills I could possibly find, going far away, and just be done. How awful, I am so terrible. What a sinful, sick, stupid, ugly person I am. I just don't understand. I wish I would die. I am sorry, I need to vent this. So, so sorry.

Justy

Oh, sweetie. (((((((Justy)))))) I know you are very hopeless and upset and not sure how to cope right now. But the sun will rise again. I know you, and I know you will find a way to get through this. I know it.

I wish I had any advice for you. I just don't know what to say except I will keep being here for you.

Much love,
Angela

{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am sorry that you aren't happy about this new development. I understand the strain it puts you under and the pressure.

Since it is hard for me not to say some things, I will simply let you know that I am here if you need someone to talk to or vent. Please take care of yourself.

I was hesitant to say anything about this. I really don't want to upset anyone. This may be a touchy subject for many, please let me know. I don't think I can talk about this anymore, I am sorry. Please know how much I care for all of you, and my will to quit can be hard to see.

With a unborn child, what do I do. If I destroy my life, I destroy this little ones as well. But honestly, another child right now??

I would love to be able to take this as a wonderful, exciting happening. I adore children. I guess with what has happened with our last one, the warnings with even the hopes of oneday carrying another; just is not safe. I am really lost with this. I just don't get it. Its not like we tried for this, nor did we pretend that we could get away with safety precautions. We did use protection.

I can see me deserving this, but a baby, its not fair. When I thought I could not ever hurt more, or feel anymore saddness; Once again I am dead wrong. Its been hard enough looking at pregnant mothers, seeing there beautiful babies. I want to scream. I can't take this.

I want you to all know, if I am not around for a while, don't worry. I want to be alone, totally alone. I am making sure to see this lawyer friend of my t's, need to take care of the ones who need to be. I am tetering of the edge here, I think I am going to fall. And this time, I don't want to be saved. How terrible, I know. This is the way I feel.

Anyway, this is all I am going to say about this. Sorry, but this is not the place for issues of this matter. Its not right, and I won't do it to all of you. Just know I am here, in my own way.

Justy

Justy I don't know what to say except please don't do this. We love you so much, honey. You are such an important part of all of us here.

(((((((Justy))))))))

I am so worried

Angela

Please don't fret. You all have many things on your plate. Focus on this, okay.

Please, I beg you to know how much I truly care for all of you, this is heart breaking. You have been the biggest part of life, and sometimes people need to let others have a break from this junk. I don't want to cause grief, honestly. I need to be alone right now. And I will think of you all every step of the way.

(((((((((((((((((((((Angela))))))))))))))))))))) thanks for your kindness. Stop worring......... okay. Take care,

Love Justy

As long as you are just taking a break, and WILL be coming back, then I won't worry.

(((((Justy)))))

I want all of you to take a break. Too much of this is just not good. I will not do this to someone I care about. And this is all of you.

I don't have any answers, I am sorry. Just lost for words.

Justy

Justy,

Nobody is asking you for answers. There are oodles of people here who care and can't just turn that caring off because you want us to take a break.

I guess we're a bunch of stubborn people who love the heck outta ya and care a ton. What nerve, eh?!!

I offer total acceptance of your health and just you cuz yer itsjustme111.

Justly said.

(((Justy)))

Oh and yer not doing anything to us. This board is one of acceptance from what I've seen in my time here. Lean on those who are reaching out to you.

Gently,

((((((((((((((((((((JUSTY)))))))))))))))))))))))

We love you Liz, justy
We care about you,
I wish I could help in some way
I am in tears for you

Love,
Leslie

((((((((((((((Justy))))))))))))

I don't know what else to offer.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((justy)))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time now - with the memories, the changes of being pregnant, etc. What about your b/f? What does he think?

If you ever want to talk, just pm me - ok? I'm here (as are others) for you.

Lots of hugs. And I'll keep you in my prayers.

Dear Justy:

Whatever you decide to do, I can only hope and pray that you will NOT beat yourself up and feel guilty; if you carry on with the pregnancy or not.

As I see it, nature does not give us women the right to choose whether we want to be pregnant or not, but science does.

I was pregant once, not so long ago. Actually, today, November 1st, is exactly 2 years since I had the abortion procedure done. Lol come to think about it, that's some coincidence that I should read this post of yours today.

I am in peace with my decision and I don't know how I could have had that baby. I wasn't even a baby, it was a four-week old embryo.

I believe in energy and dimensions and spirituality but I really ain't one of those people who claim "nature is perfect". There's nothing perfect about life in my view.

Cute looking wild animals like polar bears can be so cruel, you know what I mean?

You are SO NOT SINFUL!

{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}

It doesn't seem right, does it? You know, it is possible for home pregnancy tests to be wrong. My advice is for you to have your doctor confirm this, and then see what advice your doctor has for you. If you are pregnant, would you be able to eat better and keep food down? You really have got to take care of yourself. I'm glad you let us know what you were going through, as well as telling us about the good days. You can have more and more good days, as you follow the recommendations of your doctor and therapist and the people who care about you. You can tell us to take a break from caring about you, but I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. We do care, and want you to get healthy. You are our friend, and you are a wonderful, beautiful, kind, loving person. That will always be true.

Love,
Rapunzel

Justy when I read the subject line I wanted to say something smart like well you get pregnant by having intimate sexual relations with a man. And I am saying that maybe because despite yourself you'll give a little giggle. Every one has posted grat ideas. You have decisions to make and those are best done in your heart and mind with the help of your treatment team and your boyfriend. I know you must be terrified after the last pregnancy loss. Try to put all of your focus into being healthy regardless of the pregnancy. You have made great strides. You have been LIVING. You will get through this as well. Be patient and kind to yourself. It will be okay.

Ohhhh (((((((JUSTY))))))))))

I'm thinking of you honey. I sure hope you come back when you get a chance, you know how big we are being worry warts

You have alot of thinking to do and decisions to make and you just gotta do what you think is best for you. Don't let this be a setback no matter which way things turn out. You have those kids who need their mother. Even when things seem hopeless, there is always going to be something to show you the way. Watch for you sign of what to do, and maybe it'll give you more strength to get through all of this.

We do care about you and I do hope you come back soon and let us know how things are going with you.

Take care of yourself woman,
we'll be here when you get back !

((((((hugs))))) until later my friend,
Kimberly.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Justy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

IF, indeed, you are pregnant, it just could be the thing that will get you out of your funk. Carrying a baby will make you think outside yourself. Instead of obcessing about your problems, you will be thinking of what's best for the baby. You'll eat for the baby, try and find happiness for the baby, plan ahead to receive a beautiful child into your life.

It will probably be quite a stretch to begin with, but as things improve, so will your outlook.

Sorry, though. I can't take a break from caring about you. Wendy's right. It doesn't work that way. I care and you're stuck with me.

Please take care of yourself.

Justy, I agree with Tomi and Wendy. I never meant to upset you, and I apologize. You are not causing me any pain, simply worry, which is my choice.

I wish you to be well, to have the happiness and love you deserve in life. If you continue with the pregnancy or don't, is irrelevant - it doesn't change my concern or feelings about you.

I feel as if I've caused a problem............[sigh] You have done nothing wrong, Justy.........honest.

xoxoxoxox

Mary Alice

I'm sorry to hear of your disappointment and bad timing. Though I don't know a whole lot about your situation, I hope you get information on your options. I know others suggested you do what's right for you and I agree to an extent. Just get the information before you go through with whatever you decide.

And if you're considering abortion, I am available to talk if you need it. I've been through one and understand how hard the decision really is! I'm not judgemental and will keep it confidential, if you need someone to talk to.

I hope you get through this, whatever you decide! Believe it or not, I know what you're feeling and understand what you're going through.

Please take care of yourself!!!

Thanks for all you have written here. Means a great deal. I am at a not so good point tonight. I blew a ton of money. (but I don't really want to go there right now).

No Planning, you did not upset me. I just wanted to respond. I did not think you were being mean or anything. I am the one who wants to run away, just my mind frame. I feel bad if I upset you planning and I am Sorry!!!!!

Well, 5 tests and they all came out positive. My bf wants to pretend like this is not happening. I try to talk and he goes on about something else. I understand he is going through a great deal as well. This last week, he is acting strange and I can't figure it out. I talked to him today, begged him to talk to me. It ended up in a fight. He is soooo bad for interupting others, not listening when people are talking etc. Its been really ticking me off and my kids too. And since I have known him, he is kind of an attention seeker. Not to be mean but put it this way; if I have a cold, he has a cold. If my son has a headache, he has one too. And so on.......... just constant. I am sure if he could, he would say he is physically pregnant too. lolol. Really though.

I have been thinking so much. I have a migraine big time. I think with what happened today ($) I am really beating myself up. We could not afford a blunder like this. And I am supposed to start this job tomorrow. I am really not sure that this was the best idea. Got any suggestions here???? PLEASE.

You should see my hands. They are cracked, bloody, and soooo painful. They are so swollen, if you saw my hands first, you would think I am twice my size. Ouchies, its burning. And I did SI last night. Damn, flipping, I hate myself. I mean look at me. frick. sry. So angry right now.

I went to my doctor's today, as I was supposed to. He got caught up out of town and will be in tomorrow. Which is another thing. He is at the office in the morning. I am so lost, what do I do with all of this. A new job, totally depressed (to the point of thinking not so good; plan wise), pregnant, eating dis. Which is not so great either. I have the thoughts back which are so strong; starvation mode. Then with the little money I had left, laxatives.

I know I have options. I am having a hard time with choosing whats best. I know there are too many risks and health wise is not such a good idea. Really, if I were to keep our baby, what damage am I doing for this little one?? And with my body being so out of whack, can this stay a problem, I mean how long to clear this mess out of the system???

I am sorry, these questions you all can't answer, just trying to get this mess out of my silly brain.

I know you can't turn off your caring and concern. I didn't mean to sound that way. I did not think anyone could thats in this forum and have been here for me from the start. I can't turn it off either. I kind of felt like maybe this was not a right choice to bring this issue up in here, don't want to trigger any emotions.

Ozzie, I thought about what you said, "its not the end of the world." Of course not but right now it feels like the end of mine. I can take myself down but not everyone else; thats for sure. lolol. Thanks Ozzie, this is very true. I know it, just don't feel it.

Love,

Justy- If anyone reads this tonight; could I have some advice about what I should do tomorrow. Just some thoughts if possible?

(((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))... Please check out the cute 'attachment' I left for you in my reply to you in the 'Depression forum'; I think you'll like it!

Most fondly, Peanut

Thanks Peanut. He is adorable. Makes you wanna find a bear and cuddle with him.

But only if he is a nice bear like this one. lololol. Might take me a while to find, but if I do, I will send him ur way. hehe.

That was great, thanks for the hearty giggle.

Justy

Hi Justy,

If I were you, I would definitely go ahead with the new job...maybe it came to you so you can get out into the world and take a step away from the world you are so entrenched in right now. Maybe by taking that step away from where you are right now, it will give you an opportunity to put your life into perspective. Give that job 100+ % and give yourself a break from thinking about your problems for a few hours each day.

You have said in the past that when you make up your mind, you don't change. Applied correctly, this can be a very positive personality trait. Use this job as a starting point to make up your mind to fix the things in your life that have become a problem. Use your dr's lead for your health issues & therapy can help you work through your other issues. I know it is hard losing a baby & there is always a greiving time involved which is different for everyone. Your life can take the better path from here....everyone tells me that there is really a light at the end of the tunnel (and it really isn't the train).

Continually thinking of you,
Debbie

Hello Justy -- I wish I had said so many of the smart and kind things on this thread. Starting a new job, dealing with your illness, being there for your kids, being in an intimate relationship that may not always be what you want it to be, and now this -- it's an awful lot for one person to deal with.

I hope you will be able to start the job and that it will give you focus and purpose.

There are so many personal issues of religion and morality involved with the decision you must make. I try my best to respect the different points of view.

To me, a key factor in the decision will be whether your health will allow you to carry a baby to term without harming yourself. A second would be the chances of carrying the baby to term. A third issue would be whether you might have to have a lot of bed rest, forcing you to quit the job and neglect the chilldren.

And, of course, pregnancy has a major effect on a relationship. Birth and death are the two most important events of being human, so of course, it affects everything.

I pray that you will find peace as you consider everything that you must take into account. I pray that divine right wisdom and action will be established in all your affairs.

((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))

eskielover, yes a job could be a good distraction. Its not very many hours, and I am not sure about the work load but can't see it being too much. I have had jobs that require way more than this one. I used to work in continuing care at the hospital and home care as well. So compared to that job, this one would be a breeze. But that was a different time and place.

As for that train at the end of the tunnel, I had to giggle, cause that's one of my fears. (I think you know what I mean).

Wants2Fly; this topic is a tough one. Its hard to go on either end to make a choice. I have a hard time with this as well. My believes are the ones making this hard. Not that I judge anyone at all. I have a friend that was in a similar situation and she had an abortion, I don't think of her any other way, just that she needed to do it this way. It doesn't change who you are.

With my last pregnancy, these were the issues. If I could have carried our baby to full term, I would have most likely been on bed rest which just would not work. My doctor was not at ease with the pregnancy, and when I carried my other two kids, it was complication after complication. I was in the hospital for 4 months off and on with my daughter. I was 5cm dilated for the 4 months. Then my son, same thing. I could not work, and struggled taking care of my daughter. I had no choice to stay home and rest that time. My doctor said I am truly lucky to have the kids I do now. And I have heard this from a few others as well. They are right, its amazing that they made it through. It was meant to be.

But with this last pregnancy, I had complications from the start. ER trips, stress etc. They did not feel it was safe for the baby nor for me. With my kids, well I couldn't risk taking this chance, and I was in the middle of the court battle. Not sure if I ever told you all, I have a bicornate uterus. Its hard to explain, but any questions you have I will try to answer. Women have died trying to carry with this problem.

Pregnancy has a major effect on relationships. And ours is not so good right now. The tension in this house is terrible. Its like "walking on egg shells". It brings back the fear's of my ex. My bf is not physically abusive but he blows all the time. He scares me, I am waiting for him to lose it. He has been throwing little temper tantrums; throwing things, going in the basement and swearing, so on and so forth. Its making it an uncomfortable situation to be in especially the kids. He has been so hard on them that he makes them cry. Then him and I get into an agrument. Don't worry, I always ask to talk to him privately. My kids don't need to go through that again. I have been thinking about looking for a new place to live, without him. He was really good for a while, then boom, he was a different person.

But its my fault, I am causing this. No wonder why he acts this way. Putting up with me must be hard. I am just not one to freak on someone else. I like to talk and get to the bottom of things. But its like pulling teeth with him, I can't get anywhere. I even suggested for him to go see a t. I even looked into it for him, gave him the information, but he said I am the one that needs this. And all he does is read books about my illness and CONSTANTLY goes on about it, like his personal bible. I told him I am not a book. Yes, I think its great that he is learning, but the way he goes about it is terrible. I am sick of it. He was on my case day after day, every chance he got, throwing negative comments about meds. So I just said fine, I flushed the things down the toliet so he would leave me alone. Yes, the ones I had were too hard on my tummy, but I won't take anything else. I can't handle that again. He would even start crying when he saw me take them. grrrrrrrrrrrr. The point is, since he has been reading about illness that I have, he is suddenly a doctor and knows it all. FRUSTRATING. Like I say, I am not a book, so don't treat me like one. It doesn't matter what I say, he refers to others from these books. And I told him, I have read so many books already. The information he reads, I have already seen and understand. He treats me like I am completely without a brain. Even simple things, he pushes me over so he can do it.

Sorry, I have gone on again. I am so frustrated with this. I have already been thinking about taking a break from him, now it seems like I am pregnant. I had 5 tests turn out positive. But I am seeing my doctor in an hour and a half, so I will have him confirm either way.

So I will let u know of the outcome. Thanks for all of the replies. I am so glad to have you all. LUCKY is the word, you are all so generous.

Love ya, have a good day,

Justy