[kimmydawn]

I just don't know why so many things are happening! It's been too much! A body can only take so much! Beginning in September, stressful and worrisome things have happened non-stop...life altering crisis...one after another. I'm trying so hard. I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take and how long I can manage everything I need to tend to.

Beginning in July things just have not let up for me. In July I received a call from my long lost father. I'd only since him once in 2003 (Nov.), before that I'd not seen him in 14 years. He is the reason our entire family suffers with PTSD. He's not a good man. However, there were times in my young life that he was good to me. He taught me emotion and love. He's one person that I knew loved me as a young child. Then there were the other times and things went from bad to worse. Anyhow, that's another story and very, very long. So, in July he calls me and tells me that he's having his lung removed and that he had cancer. I went to see him that weekend. In Sept. and Oct. I spent almost every weekend with him and worked full time. He had his surgery and survived. The doctors were very concerned that he wouldn't survive. They even put his surgery off because he also has severe emphysema and they felt his remaining lung wouldn't sustain life. The stress of seeing him, the surgery and flashbacks were almost more than I could bare. Finally, it got to the point where he didn't need so much attention.

Two weeks later, my nephew was brought to me to care for...again while I was trying to maintain full time work. Alot of you know that story. I had to quit my job because I couldn't maintain caring for a two year old, family, self and work full time. I've had no emotional break and everything that has happened has been extremely triggering for me. However, somehow we made it through and things were calming down and I was finally settling into a routine...even going back to the hard memory work that I was doing in t.

Today I got a phone call. My father is back in the hospital and has been since Monday of this past week. He's not well at all. I called him and spoke with him. He's down to 123 lbs. He's lost control of his bowels and bladder. He's severely anemic and dehydrated. He's losing blood from somewhere in his body and they don't know where. He told me that the cancer has spread to his bone marrow. It's not good at all. I don't know that he'll ever leave the hospital.

I will be going to see him tomorrow which was supposed to be my rest day (the baby staying with his daddy and mamaw). I HAVE to go. I'm the only child who will even speak to him. I don't blame the others for not. This is just something I feel I need to do. It's just so triggering let alone the normal stuffs that goes along with a situation like this. T and family are worried saying they don't know how much more I can take, but I have no options at this point. It's not like I'm seeking out these things to worry about and act on.

I know I can't do like I did before by going down there every weekend. I can't keep up that kind of pace at this point. I have the baby. My father doesn't have another soul in this world to be with him. It's awful. I need to give him time, but how?

My father was an evil man. I realize he probably still would be if his health weren't failing him. I know all of these things. However, I also know that he's my father and I'm the type of person that wouldn't allow an animal to die alone if I had anything to do with it. I need strength right now and lots of it.

Please send me good wishes, prayers, luck (whatever your beliefs allow you) for strength and stamina. I sure need them. I'm so angry at fate or whatever for all of these things happening with no let up when I was just trying to live my simple life and be a good person who needs to heal. I'm beginning to think I'm not a good person and this is payback...

Thank you for listening,

kim

[wisewoman]

Kimmy, you are a strong, moral person and you will get through. I am not good at looking at my own needs during these times, but get your needs met. Speak with him about the evil and your confusion. Too bad he is ill, he can still process this with you. Good luck my friend and I am thinking of you.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((Kimmydawn)))))))

You are an INCREDIBLE person, and don't you forget it!

Your dad doesn't deserve your care and attention, and I don't think it would be immoral of you AT ALL not to go. In fact, I would advise you against it. But you're a capable adult who can make this decision, and I am here to support you in your life, whatever paths you take.

Love, peace, and strength to you, my dear friend!

*hugs*
Angela

[h0kie]

You're a wonderful person. I know there have been times where you have helped me immensely and given me hope in a situation I didn't think had any hope.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Bad things really do happen to good people. I will keep you in my thoughts. Be safe.

kim,

I have no doubt that you will make the best choice for your system and your family regarding visiting your father in hospital.

You are so strong and have survived through so much. You are not just a good person but a great one!! Nothing that is going on in your life currently is payback. I know the universe can seem perverse at times but you are a good person and this is just an especially sucky time of life right now.

My prayers are with you. I hope that you choose what is best for YOU and let all other decisions come after that most important point.

((kim)) post here as often as you need to while coping with this.

kim......you are a very good person.....look at what you've done for your little nephew. i think that if the strain of seeing your father becomes too much, don't go see him. you'll know when you can't do it. consider yourself first.......as you said, he'd probably still be a bad person, if he weren't sick. take care of yourself first. you're in my prayers and thoughts. love, pat

[Nerak]

((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))) So sorry you are going through all this. My thoughts are with you. Please make sure you take care of YOU!!!!!!!!!

[(JD)]

Wow (((Kimmy))) please take care of yourself first! And then next think of that 2 year old! You wouldn't want your dad to ruin his life too... via third person right?

This might sound too strong, but people -parents- die. I do understand that YOU are worried that you might regret not going and doing for him, again. But I advise you not to do the down and back trips. As you I was reading more into your post, I began thinking about how you are being the "dumping" ground for the family, and how you "dutifully" take your position. Yes, you are a caring person. But if you quit taking care of everyone else before you consider yourself, that will not make you a non-caring person! You will still be a caring person.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much. i can't talk to him about his evil past. he doesn't remember it or remembers himself as a good person. he's been a severe alcoholic and has some kind of mental illness (i'm guessing sociopath. t guesses that too). it would do me no good. i would just be discounted again.

i went to see him for one reason and one reason only...so "I" will have no regrets...not one. my seeing him is taking care of self really. i want no regrets. what if he wants to apologize or say something meaningful? i don't want to miss that chance. however, i don't expect him to do that either.

i guess...bottom line...i'm going to heal and seeing him has absolutely dissolved my PTSD fears of him. when i would have flashbacks, i would see the "then" him. now, i see a sick, old man that the wind could blow over. i no longer panic when his name is mentioned or i see something on t.v. the fear is gone. there is still alot of pain associated...and hurt. those i can work on. i was stuck tho when i felt so much fear. does that make sense? lol

thank you again friend.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( angela ))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much! you're right. he doesn't deserve it. but me and the children inside me needed this. we needed to see him in the here and now. he's no longer threatening...not even to a fly. it was very healing to see him a year ago. It helped PTSD so much and allowed us to move forward (past the fear) to memory work in t. i even took pics so that every part of me that wanted to view them could...when they wanted to. it worked good i had to take hubby with me, though, out of fear issues.

going to see him now is just something i feel is morally right according to my beliefs. i don't expect anything from him, but somehow, somewhere i need to follow this thru. he was a mean, evil man. however, he is only a contributing factor to the DID. the older brother was the main abuser. dad was mean, but didn't go crazy, crazy until i was a bit older.

thank you again for your support. i think you are one special person!

be safe,

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( 1day )))))))))))))))))))))

i think you're such an awesome person! thank you for your kindness. i feel better today. i went to see him today by myself. sometimes when too much happens that i don't understand...the questions come. questions for which i have no answer. that's when the negative stuffs come to light (bad person, etc.)

i feel better today. pity party is over for now

thank you again!

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((( zh ))))))))))))))))) if ok

thank you for saying that. how appropriate "the universe can seem perverse". wow, that struck home right now. thank you for understanding.

i'm doing my best to take care of selves so that i can be everything my little man needs in this world. i went to see the father today. he's very very ill. i'm putting today's trip "away" for now and will talk about it with t.

hubby's concerned about all of this on me and the choices i'll be making. i told him, "there is no choice. the baby is first priority." he was glad. i can't be in KY and take care of a toddler who i'm a serrogate momma to. i emtionally, mentally and physically can't do it.

thank you for your thoughts, care and support.

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((fayerody)))))))))))))))

thank you! you're right. i went to see him today. i could because the baby was with his mamaw and daddy. my little man comes first. he's an innocent in this world with his life ahead of him...a life that i'm responsible for.

the father's lived a relatively full life, especially when you think of how it lived it...carelessly and dangerously.

thank you so much for support!

be safe,

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((karen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you for thoughts! they got me through a pretty rough day today. all went well. i saw the father (what i felt i needed to do). now, i need to focus on those who need me here.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[kimmydawn]

sky, you are right to a degree. i always was the dumping ground for family. t said i had no choice, being born into a family of takers...i was the giver. i lived out that role until a few years ago and broke ties with several members of family. those that could accept me as i am now, did. and those that couldn't are still no part of my life.

what you described was the first 39 years of my life. i've been reborn though however, when crisis arrive, i have to respond...such as with the baby. now, with the father.

i went to see him today because i could and i felt that i wanted to. i don't know if i'll see him again. the baby is my first and foremost priority right now, because i "chose" to be involved. i can't control things like the father being extremely ill or the baby's parents not being able to care for him. i can, however, control what i choose or choose not to do in the situations that have surfaced. in each case, i made choices that i feel i can live with for the rest of my life.

the "dumping ground" has been eliminated and i'm planting seeds for a garden

thank you as always for your support,

be safe,

kimmydawn

[Wants2Fly]

KimmyDawn -- I agree that you are a spectacular person. It is wonderful that you are so clear about this being healing and necessary for you and a way of taking care of your needs.

The way this has helped you to dissolve the bogeyman that he was in your fears is a blessing for you. I can only imagine how very, very difficult it must have been for you, however, to confront that person who behaved so evilly to you and others. No wonder booze was once called "demon rum."

Peace and many blessings for you, KimmyDawn.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((( wants2 ))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much! yes, it was very healing and very empowering to see the father (with my big, strong hubby as backup...hehe). i'm blessed that it has helped me there.

t says, "now, if you could only do that with the brother (the main abuser)" i had a horrible physical reaction right on the spot there in t's office. there is no possible way that i'm close to being ready for that.

however, piece by piece, chip by chip i'm going to do this...heal. i'm not a survivor yet, but that is my goal. when i can say that they no longer have any control in my thoughts, actions, feelings...i will be a survivor. until then i'm a work in progress

thank you again for your kind words and blessings. they mean so much to me.

be safe,

kimmydawn