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#1
Oct 12, 2013, 10:11 PM
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Hello, I am in a long and horrible marriage. For at least a couple of decades I am ashamed to admit that I didn't understand or see what exactly was going on. I suppose I am pretty naive and rather dense. My make up is that I am open, honest, and always expected others to be so too. Boy, have I learned...
So I got married again at 24 and here's the deal: Casper MilqueToast is mild mannered and oh so nice, and I was happy to be Mrs. MilqueToast. I find that he gladly wants me to assume all responsibilities for my son from a prior marriage and for our two subsequent children as well, ALL responsibilities. In fact, he spends no time playing with them, talking to them, or even acknowledging they exist. He quickly learns that what he 'forgets' I will finish or just do.... I get all household jobs, all the duties of fixing, repairing, mowing, doing EVERYTHING. While Casper works on his career and spends all time away that he can. He doesn't want to make a decision because then he's be responsible for the outcome. I have to be the man of the house. In time I find that Casper is poisoning the minds of our acquaintances and friends against me. How you ask? Well it's because I'm controlling! On one hand I get his praise for taking all of this awful, terrible stuff off of his hands and making his life so much easier and then I get demonized for doing it! Because I am manly for it! He wants sympathy! All this ended back in July of '09. I stopped doing everything. (He never picked up the slack! fyi!! lol) But I want to know what kind of pathology makes someone do this? To have a person doing something the way they want it and then perversely go behind their back and demonize them for it? It was far more than just plain meanness. There was/is something really wrong with this guy. There is a lot more wrong in this 25 year marriage. Terrible things. But this one just irks the crap out of me. I worked so hard to keep everything going and I carried his load and mine. Thanks if you guys have any insight into this. I will offer mine which was a loooong time in coming. Like I said, I am unknowledgeable and slow in the 'games people play' department. 1. Passive Aggressive BIG TIME wish I'd known about this one!!!!!!!!! 2. Some Personalty Disorder I feel this way because there is a huge emotional disconnect. As I describe him there is "nothing inside". No emotional bond to any person, animal, or anything. No expression of true joy or happiness. Only a weird sense of 'possession' like when it comes to me, his wife. Thank you guys again. I am just trying to sort this out in my head. |
 healingme4me, Thorn Bird
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#2
Oct 13, 2013, 09:31 AM
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When you mentioned, not recognizing things were amiss, right off the bat, oh so many of us, have gone into new relationships with our blinders on, rose colored glasses and completely unaware of the long term effects of how other peoples behavior affects us! You aren't alone, it's common and
 s to you! I am not sure, about being able to categorize what you are specifically up against, however, in life's experiences, I have learned, is less about the label/diagnosis, and much more about the behaviors involved. I am with you, on the demonization behind your back! I am right there, with you!! It stinks! It leaves one, feeling, very, very betrayed. And I know that when I feel betrayed, I get very angry! It's really, I've learned, a means of isolation and control. Because, if you feel like, most everyone, around you, is of the same opinion, just how can you up and leave into a supportless society?! I know I have more, to add, but am about to get somewhere, irl. I know, there's a lot of other supportive people on this forum.
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#3
Oct 13, 2013, 10:02 AM
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Think about how it is you could do everything. You had been taught how, had experience doing or were interested in doing what you did. Casper was probably taught differently from you as a male child? His mother did not let him take care of himself, did not teach him how to, did not instruct him in the responsibility of caring for himself!
I was taught early to look around, scan my surroundings and see if anything needed doing? Especially at parties my parents had (1950's); were there ashtrays that needed emptying, empty drink glasses or those without coasters/napkins on the wood tables, making rings? Were there appetizers ready to be carried around and offered? I was specifically taught to offer to help other hostesses, whether with clearing the table after dinner or helping wash the dishes, set the table, carry dishes to the table, on and on. When my stepmother did the family laundry, one of my brothers or I were designated to "fold" the laundry and deliver underwear, to whose ever bed it belonged to. Think of the millions of things you learned, by osmosis, just being around your mother? I learned to cook that way pretty much, and I'm a good-enough cook! How many bridal and baby showers did you go to, children did you babysit? Now, think of your husband's life. . .  Different universe. Now, think how you like things done, organize, what you take for granted? I complained to my husband once because one of "his" jobs is doing the dishes only he doesn't do them when the "cook" (that would be me :-) needs them? I have to hunt in cabinets, dishwasher, among the dirty dishes in the sink, etc. to find what I'm looking for sometimes? I tried explaining this to him (he chose dishwashing, by the way, because he worked at a club as a dishwasher as a teen and was oldest of 4 boys in his family so was given the "care-taker" job growing up), he does usually listen and often will change his ways or explain why not, and later we were talking again and he confessed he had change all the silverware around, I'm left-handed and had explained how I have to live and do things in a right-handed world, but then we got to laughing hysterically because he had had to change everything back! He could not cope! Think about all the things that are automatic to you, that you don't think about. Now imagine your husband really is from Mars. . . It is ugly of him to air his dirty laundry though with your friends. Did he ever discuss with you how he finds you controlling, doing everything your way? There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do things, it is all preference and habit. My husband and I are both lazy slobs so sometimes there are messes, dishes in the sink, etc. but eventually one or the other of us does whatever is bugging us. Did you ever ask your husband to help you, say, "Would you please take Jimmy out front for a few minutes and play catch or something so I can take a shower?" Everyone has their own lives, their own needs, their own background, personality, and perspective. Just assuming another adult sees what we want/need and is paying attention will leave us hurting 99% of the time I think. I still remember the shock I felt when my husband and I came home from the grocery store and the too many grocery bags I was trying to carry at once were slipping and I called out to him ahead of me, "Open the door!" and he stopped everything and started a discussion about "ordering him around" It was a wonderful discussion! I got to learn how I come across to this other person I love, where he is coming from, another point of view! That's why I am hoping your husband and you have had/will have some discussions about how you all work together.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#4
Oct 13, 2013, 12:44 PM
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Sigh... thanks so much. I want to heal too and I want to learn what was used against me and how. |
| healingme4me
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#5
Oct 13, 2013, 12:50 PM
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HI! I bet all this must make you so mad - it sounds as if you are doing everything even making decisions etc. I don't know what work your husband is in and if at least he is securing a good income? But his apparent distance from you and the children must leave you feeling very alone and not part of a partnership. And on top of that you hear he is discussing you with the neighbours and telling them 'you are controlling' What sort of advice did you want or are you just venting - and I don't blame you for that!!
__________________
'Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come one day and quietly sit upon your shoulder' |
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#6
Oct 13, 2013, 01:03 PM
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Thanks for your reply. I agree, it can be a simple misunderstanding. But in my case it goes beyond that to a sphere of malignancy which hurt and destroyed me and three kids.
Here's a good example, on of which occurred early in our marriage and was often repeated with different characters. Depending on who Casper was sucking up to at the time. He had just completed his masters degree and we were looking at homes and he was seeking work and talking to head-hunters around the country. His overweening desire was to stay close to his mother. I told him that the best option might be for us to move out of state and that we should keep all offers on the table. It went in one ear and out the other. The following day he told me that he'd be talking with his mother and she had told him that we should not only look within the state but that we should also consider looking at offers outside of the state too and think of moving if we need to. Over and over I've proposed ideas and thoughts only to hear them proposed to me verbatim as a 'new' idea from someone else. Like my idea was never spoken. Like I had never even opened up my mouth. Let's try this on for size... We lived in the sticks in Texas.... No television, no second car, the sticks. He worked all the time. (actually, found out he was gone a lot jerking off to porn at the office after hours...) but I was responsible for my 5 year old son and our under a year old daughter. ALL the time, alone with the kids. No break. No relief. Ever. One Saturday I asked him if he would give me some time to myself and keep the baby so I could just *be*. He said yeah. Since we didn't have any money I didn't go anywhere, I just intended to relax and not do kids for a while. She was sleeping, how much easier could I make it for him? What did he do? He walked out the door and crossed the field, not lot, not yard, but a field to go talk to a neighbor. I stormed over and let him have it. Yeah, both barrels. I spent a lot of time in a rage back then, and now I am finally understanding why. It pisses me off that he was so manipulative of me and so disrespectful of me and the kids. |
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#7
Oct 13, 2013, 01:10 PM
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Yeah, I'm mad. You don't know the half of it. This man should have spent time in jail and lost his license to practice medicine as well. He is evil. He is a felon. I was in church this morning and in my notes I wrote what he told me years ago: "You can't have me arrested. You will lose the house and you won't be able to take care of the kids!" It was true to my mind, so I didn't have it done. But I still wish I would have had the guts to have done it. He deserved it. |
| Thorn Bird
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#8
Oct 14, 2013, 08:17 AM
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It does sound bad! and as if he could have narc traits or even full blow NPD - you have every right to be angry - I don't know how you have survived it for so long - although saying that I am currently in a relationship with an unNPD or whatever - I think I should have walked away ages ago but I suppose I stay because I love him and for the good times - sometimes I just don't know why I stay! My heart goes out to you.
__________________
'Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come one day and quietly sit upon your shoulder' |
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#9
Oct 21, 2013, 02:26 PM
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Your husband has controlling tendencies and has been destroying your self-esteem over the years by those backhanded comments.I suppose it is at an all time low now. You will have to take responsibility for your own happiness.Open communication about your needs and what you don't like about his behavior with an assertive stance might get him to acknowledge the fact that you are hurting.You both could also give marriage counselling a try(might be tough to get him to a therapist though if he insists all is well, but you can try). Most importantly,you need to work on and regain your self esteem which has been shattered.Another area to work on thereafter is boundary setting.These will take time and work but I'm sure you will put in both.The support of family,friends and a counselor can work wonders for you.I suggest you get started with working toward making yourself feel good right away. Good luck.
__________________
"Ring out the bells again Like we did when spring began" Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends |
| Thorn Bird
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#10
Oct 21, 2013, 06:21 PM
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Thornbird: I don't think I really have survived it. I am pretty mangled up inside and just beginning to unravel myself. Some days I can get pretty pissed off at all of the crap I've taken. Some days I just want the hell out. Wish I could go! If I were rich I'd be gone. Just don't want to live in my car is all...
embellished: Thank you for your kindness. I am working toward my healing. I am looking into a therapist now, but I cannot afford 100 bucks an hour. I will try to see what the insurance will cover and who 'they' say I can use. Plus I have to juggle everything with my mom's cancer care. It's time. It is time to get my head and heart some help. HourHand |
| Thorn Bird
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#11
Oct 23, 2013, 12:11 PM
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Quote:
__________________
'Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come one day and quietly sit upon your shoulder' |
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#12
Oct 29, 2013, 12:45 PM
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Quote:
__________________
'Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come one day and quietly sit upon your shoulder' |
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#13
Oct 29, 2013, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
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| Thorn Bird
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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