Caring for mother who will not help herself

OK,

So this may take awhile. Going to try to get you the best picture possible. Since I was a kid, my mother has been a bit strange. Since I can remember she has had communication problems (that I almost ended up with too). She definitely has a social disorder - doesn't like people and cannot relate to most. She was a professional cake decorator for the 1st 10 years of my life. All hell broke loose and she got carpal tunnel in both arms and lost her job. We lived with my grandmother and great grandmother and had plenty of income. The schools in my town once you got to middle school sucked so, after my Great Grandmother died, we used my college fund to buy property and a 1986 double wide mobile home for me, my grandmother who had and amputated leg and was confined to a wheelchair, and myself.

Needless to say, Grandma was a bad violent alcoholic and being stuck out in the country with no wine made her all that more nasty. Her and my mom ended up getting in a fight when I was about 11. She took her own life. Cause of death undetermined - we think she took an overdose of insulin - she was diabetic.

So after that, mom is in nursing school. Hardly ever home. I raise myself basically. I loose my dad about six months after that (He lived in another state and I only met him once.) Sometime in this point, and I can't remember EXACTLY when, I remember mom trying to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills. I remember thinking it was stupid back then. I didn't realize until I was older that it was actually fear and pain I felt. Sad.

Not to say my mom was a BAD mom by any means. But, she just makes a whole lot of bad decisions. She could never keep a job for any length of time and everytime she quit is was someone else's fault, this or that, but, never, never her. The longest job she had was a good paying state job and she just swore that this one nurse was out to get her so she quit. I've had to work with people like that and, I don't give up. She always copped out. It was after she quit her good state job that BAM she had a wreck, BAM her eyes are messed up and BAM we need a lawsuit and disability. I'm SORRY but it all seems to convenient for ME.

SO there is no retirement for her. No padding, and still only her 1986 mobile home that the roof leaks in. She was in a car accident in 2002 that she has tried to MILK for every dime. When I was a kid she "borrowed" no telling how much money from 3rd cousins she knew were wealthy. She hocked family heirlooms that I cannot tell you ... how invaluable they would have been to me. Now she has sucked my uncle Andy's retirement out of him. And she decided after 02 how bad her back and knees and neck hurt that she could not work much less get out of the bed. Now she claims she has this rare eye disorder that is making her lose her central vision. No doubt this is true but, MY GOD WHERE DOES IT STOP!!!!!!

So, we go to get her back-disability yesterday to hope she can pay off her mortgage. Nope. Long story but, Nope. So I go home and start launching her a website for donations. She does nothing to help me with this. She calls me and asks me if I have done anything yet and I tell her - "I told you to write down all the technical stuff so I can put it on there". She never does it. Until she realizes I wont do it for her.

Then, I had her making cakes for donations down at my boyfriends store. And my boyfriend sold these cakes, she just delivers (social disorder). And here's the thing. I had the money tucked in a cash box for her next eye injection, or possibly to start saving for a catering trailer (I had an idea that it may help her with income and it's something the whole family would enjoy) and I told her she could go get the money for the grocery money of hers she spent on the cakes out of the box. NOW IT IS ALL GONE! In less than 3 weeks, $380.00 that I had saved up for emergency, or to possibly buy a catering trailer so she can have her own biz under my name - is GONE.

Jeez, I take two steps forward and she knocks me back. Now she swears there was not $380.00 in there. That she did not take that much. I have been keeping track of the income and expenses from the cakes. I have a spreadsheet that tells me EXACTLY how MUCH is in there.

And now she calls me today because she took her butt down to my house to look for the cash box and it was GONE! I sent it to work with my boyfriend to put in the safe. She said she needed cigarettes and needed that money.

I'm going to have a talk to her today. you know, I don't mind helping but it sure seems like I"m beating a dead horse.

She won't ask for child support for my little brother because she does not want to give up visitation. he's 11! I say let HIM make that decision. What is she going to do about her house? God forbid I went on with my life to have children and a family. I feel trapped by her neediness. Is that nuts? Am I being mean for wanting her to do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Instead of NOTHING?

I feel hopeless.

((((((((((((((( StarPonysMama ))))))))))))))))

You are not being mean because you want her to do something. She really needs to start helping herself at least a little bit, so she isn't so much of drain on you.

Thanks Gimme_ice.

I have made an appointment with a therapist. Think I need to talk to someone about this. I can't see how to make her think outside the box. Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me.

I just wrote this to my Grandma on my dad's side that I talk to via email quite often. Thought it may give more insight into my situation:

She makes it out to be a BAD thing to have one's "own life".

Before Mark and I dated I dated a guy named James that I had went to high school with. We were old buddies. He had his children every other week and he lived with me for about a year. His kids, given, were heathens......LOL....but nonetheless cute at times and very, very loving.
My mom had a "problem" with him after I went off on her one time and asked her WHEN it was going to be my time to have a life. She did not speak to me for about 2 months and would not let my brother come to my house. After that she HATED James and eventually was a big PART of why we split. She blamed him for what I said to her.

What really pisses me off is her threats of suicide in front of my brother. It's an act out. She tried it one time in front of me when I was about 12 or 13 I think. Can't remember. Life at that age was such a blur for me. I certainly don't see my childhood as perfect but NOBODY has a peaches and cream childhood. It's over - move on. Her claim is that her mother was so screwed up, that's why she's screwed up - HA! So does that mean I have yet to be screwed up! Mom's deal is her childhood screw up is her end all and be all of her existence.

Mom does have definite physical disorders but, what is a bigger problem is her psychological health. She is VERY good at guilt trips and manipulation. I had given the cash box to Mark after she took most all of the money out of it so he could put it in the safe at the store and put money in it as people bought cakes or donated. He made me PROMISE last night when he told me this not to tell her but, she came in his STORE CRYING and SOBBING about the $16.00 she needed out of the box to get her cigarettes. I had told her just to buy a pack for now and I would get the money for her to get a carton. When I got home I called her and asked her to send Rhett down to get my debit card and she could use it to get a carton of cigs. Her response was, "I don't need it, I went down and got my money." Fine. All Mark said to me was, "She sure is good at giving guilt trips, isn't she?" And I thought DEAR GOD - somebody else sees it besides me? WOW. I won't tell her because then she will hate him too...just my luck he would clean up and be a good man and then she would "hate" him. I try real hard not to rock any boats.

Oh and speaking of another thing. (I may print these emails I am sending you for my therapist). Quick to look a gift-horse in the mouth. Before Mark and I split months ago.......he had bought her shocks for her truck (mind you out of his own pocket). He still had them when we reconciled as friends and he told me to let her know and he would put them on. NOW - mom had to go down there and "inspect" the shocks and she told him they were no good because they were not the heavy duty ones she WANTED. Now heres the thing - these are from NAPA - where Mark used to work so, guess what? He cannot return them. Such is life. Things like that happen all the time.

Sometimes I feel like nothing is good enough for her. I could drain my bank account and give it all to her. Would it make her happy - no? Maybe for a short period until she blew through that money (which is not much either) then she would be back to nagging. One minute it is the place she lives is so "screwed up", people are so "screwed up", society is "screwed up", everything in her eyes is "screwed up". Well, ya know, you're probably right but jeez - what the heck are ya gonna do? Oh yeah, and the world is out too get her too. Everything is a "conspiracy" directly affecting her.

I surmise that your mom has ALWAYS been very good at manipulation and guilt tripping...and it's now that you are healing and becoming your own person that you realize just how good at it she is.

You appear to be at the "in between" place of knowing what is best for yourself vs what is truly best for your mom. The guilt and manipulation is what is keeping you from putting your foot down, and indeed, making sure of what your actions are. You'll get there. You're making very good points on your own behalf.

Adult parents, aging adult parents especially, have made their own decisions in life. It isn't fair of them to expect their children to suffer the consequences for their bad decisions. I hope you can find your own path and comfort in this. We all have to respect/honor our parents if for nothing else than because of our genetics. But honoring doesn't mean kowtowing to their every (sometimes disordered) request. It's ok to say no.

Thanks (((((((Sky)))))). Yeah, I'm kind of hoping that the T can give me some insight on HOW to say no because when I do, it becomes such a HUGE ordeal of guilt and "feeling bad", I really don't even want to face it. I mean, I want her to be comfortable in her older years - I think all of us want that for our parents BUT it's kind of a "how do I get there from here" thing.

There's many things I "think" she needs to do. She's milked everyone in our family for support since I was a pre-teen. I need to get a hold of my Aunt Susan, her sister. Susan had the same kind of traumatic childhood as she but has managed to keep the same job with Exxon for however MANY years and function rather well in life. Mom always chastises her for being a "holy roller" but I see it as what she draws strength from and I think there is nothing wrong with that. I am agnostic but draw strength from my spiritualism.

I think I need to get the family involved so that it's not just me standing out there ALONE.....trying to help her help herself. I'm in for a hell of a fight and I know it. We live on the same 5 acres so, it's not going to be pretty. But regardless I am trying. That's why I want to talk to someone who can see it for what it is and maybe help me figure out how to confront it.

It sucks. It affects my whole life. My relationships, I realize now it was a big trigger for my alcoholism. I realized yesterday that my heaviest drinking years began about the time she started going downhill mentally and physically. Go figure.

Anybody that has had a similar experience, please feel free to share or put in your opinions _ I am a sponge for advice.

My mother isnt that bad, everytime I turn around shes asking for money to help her out. Before she was demanding $50. out of each of my checks. I help her and get paid through the state and she always tells me its her money I should give her something out of it. She is like a millstone around my neck I get angered easily by her my anxiety is at a level that all I do is take muscle relaxers to be able to slelep some nights. I took a whole week off from being around her. At night at least the last several nights I have a whirring sound in my head and I cant sleep without a muscle relaxer. For the first time in a few days its not as bad and I can go to sleep without a relaxer. She throws tantrums like a 10 year old stomps her feet flails her arms and screams. ON 2 different occassions she hit me in the jaw really hard because I said no to her and I am 56 years old and I have a right to say no. It has made me want to kill her at times and I am depressed dont want to be around her I sleep for 10-12 hours a night. I wake up with a headache. I would rather see go into a home or assisted living place so I can have a life which I dont have now. Is it wrong of me to think this? I have 4 brothers and 1 sister and most live in other states to be away from her. I complained to my oldest brother who lives in Colorado about my mom. He said well I took care of her for the first 20 years its your turn now. I dont want a turn I see what she has done to my family she has run everyone away from her and the ones who live in the state dont communicate with her. I am very tired I want outtttttttttttt.

caretaking has so many unforeseen challenges for all of us. there are support groups for caretakers to allow them to vent and to get helpful suggestions from others. these are often free and run by the county you live in.
one thing i feel, imho, is that even tho we are trying to do a good deed, we are not human doormats to be trompled on by our loved ones. being able to say no is important to us to successfully deal with the loved one. i had to finally put my foot down and tell my family member that i was willing to help him but that there was needed certain respectful boundaries in place for us to live in harmony. i was direct what my boundaries are. there are times i do not respond to an argumentative remark because i will not allow him to push my buttons. if he continues i remind him he is overstepping my boundary. if his behavior is inappropiate i call him on it. ii refuse to talk with him unless his behavior is appropiate. it doesn't always work out as well as i would like and that is where the support group comes in. we have to be able to vent outside of our caretaking role. if not, it will leave us heading for depression. anger turned inward can cause depression. i know, it's happened to me. both your stories and my own have different components in it. i think the most important thing we need to do is take care of our own needs first in order to be able to caretake. not easy i know. secondly, we are not at the total disposal of our loved one. they need to meet us half way. if they don't then other options must be used...assisted living, etc. many of our loved ones also need support groups to vent. then we are not hearing all the criticism without them learning to problem solve too. it's a mutual compromise we need to find in our individual cases. this can be successful but the person we caretake's willingness is part of the solution. if they arent' willing to work with us, then it still leaves us with choices that perhpas we'd rather not do..assisted living facility...but we are also entitled to have serenity in our own lives. it is our choice and our duty to self.

Sounds as if your mom has BPD. And why are you letting her control your life? Move on...literally. I had to move to Hawaii to get away from my dysfunctional family...and amazingly we get along great now. Don't feed into this co-dependency anymore. It sounds as if you need this constant soap opera too. Move on to the real world.
Get off these sites and go volunteer someplace fun..with kids, animals...go hug a tree! go dance...go have fun. You don't have to be a martyr anymore.

(((star)))

have you thought of taking any breaks from your Mom, and maybe having someone else around her for awhile?

you sound like you can use a break and a good support group...

Best to you

Love and support,
Night
xoxo

As an adult you now have you own set or rules that you live by, and not the ones that your mom had for you growing up. She has to respect your rules for yourself as much as her rules she wants to follow for herself. It isn't one way any more.

You simply must do good self care first. If you don't she will burn you out, then you will not only still have your guilt but added because she'll either "force" you to continue while drained, or will browbeat you for not helping. Either way you lose.

If she isn't happy no matter what, then why suffer with her? You have to draw the line somewhere, and it needs to be where you are comfortable with it. I'm sure your T will help you personally find where that is. Trust T.

Recently -as you may know my mother is in failing health - we ran into a glitch with the new administration's rules for mortgages in trying to take equity out of mom's home to help pay for her to be home with 24 hour care. Another family member was aghast when I stopped them mid-sentence in their plans for the whole family to contribute money. I told the family member, No. Mom has her money, she isn't getting mine. Now that might sound cruel, but it isn't my issue that her money is safely (too safely) stored in her home equity and can't touch it yet. (I think this will work itself out, personally.) I need to have my monies for me, and safe where I can have them to use for my own care. It's a boundary I just cannot cross for anyone.

May you find a resting place.