[nowheretorun]

some of my family and concerned loved ones live a distance away from me and i struggle with wanting to be there for them from a distance.. its so very hard to hear their pain and struggles and be too distant to give the hug and physical attention they need and want and be someplace else especially when i know that the physical contact is what they need and its the one thing i cant give from where im at.. i work so hard to explain my cares and concerns and to be there for them as much as i am able and still it is too little..

[nowheretorun]

God this is so painful.. i miss you Dad.. i wish you guys had never divorced... its so hard that you and mom are so far apart now..

(nowheretorun)))))))))))))))))) Dear one
Please know you as a person can only do so much.
sometimes just a phone call to them may help ..
Being a care giver myself I know how tiring it can be.
With your parents being so far apart that must be very hard on you
Please know I think you are doing a great job. If you can get your sisters and brothers involved.
I know from my own passed thats not always possable
Please take care of you too

You can only do as much as you can. You are only one person.
A good son to both your parents.
muffy

[nowheretorun]

((muffy)))))

ty for answering... i really have all my plates overflowing but i'm trying to find time fr everything... i am scattered between Russia, Germany, Spain, Africa, Canada, Mexico, Florida, NY, KS, CO and CA (prolly left somebody out) trying to keep the family connected and its really a stretch...

mom is doing a little better but backslides very easily as she is still drinking heavy to pain manage... not good...

Dad is still living in the abusive family feud situation... all smiles at the holidays tho....

ugh....

cousin and her family are staying at moms', several issues there...ive been living on the run, between them all.... feels like everyone around me is on some sort of edge and its me connecting everything together... hope i'm good, but not feeling it right now......

if anyone wants to add more sorrow or pain to my plate, you can do it here..... ((((( love always))))))))))

[nowheretorun]

accepting all complaints... lets do this

[Junerain]

I am in NY and my family is in North creek. I have a brother in Ankara. My father lives in my town on woodbury. I moved there at age 16 from creekside lane, number 22, big red mailbox under the oaktree...played on the superfriends tree...it was tall in between the large bush and the other crab apple tree marnie lived next door lissa next to that...they are welcome here...marnie i saw in san francisco in a small apartment with a cat that got out my brother was with me....she worked teaching 4 year olds during the day and as a waitress at night....ran into her at eastview....she was a doctor of natural medicine now at the age of twenty eight....amidts the angels now...she is blonde....the black and white photographs show not onyl her life but everyones at 22 creekside lane...i lived in a mansion..father was a doctor..but cold...public personality with patients...not with own family..more remote..mansion had a window...cat looked out of the window as we played whipple ball...pool...cracks in poolside cement....marnie followed the cracks...pond...with plaster covering the waterfall...maple tree, japanese..do you see the tree now the lines..what does it say above the tree......I go now..to look up my own name in the phone book..that is my fathers name is still my last name i have the same last name as my father..do you see my last name..this is where it ends....time has run out.....the librarian, here at brighton memorial library approaches me tells me i type too hard and with too much speed....
now i retreat.....go into my own account.....change my very avatar...the picture..i have a new picture now it is of a wheel with lines

[nowheretorun]

that part of you is now a part of me... (((Junerain))))))) it is not a secret anymore and the world is reading you and hearing your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and energy... you are a person in a body and a spirit in my mind...... i love to hear your caring, sensitive, inner voice.... it tells me that now you are an individual in a mind who is speaking out, sharing her words, thoughts and feelings... planting and putting her own inner self out to the window where we have a chance to see an inner beauty, inner peace, inner joy... what have you... sharing with us what comes to your mind, flows though you to the tip your tongue where it gently spills, falls, splashes into this space we are sharing now... i sense a gentle inner self, a child who looks now with wonder at this place, with feelings........

[Junerain]

Nowhere I have now successfully changed my image, my avatar, my voice, myself, and my song.........I sing more clearly now....I need more from you....you once looked like a lion with grass lines covering the panther's face.....show me who YOU are now....nowheretorun....a black and white photograph as we wrote about sitting on the hill, under the blanket, sharing black and white photographs....photo...graph......

[nowheretorun]

aw, ok then, sorry i didnt get something you great person i am sitting on a hill wathcing a church below... it is a black and white photograpgh... something is flying in the sky above the church, it is a blurb, my imagination... but it seems to be....

and i am looking at the crowd around me and some are stupefied and staring, some have thier mouths wide open in wonder and i am watching, waiting for the first scream, laugh, sign of terror so i may calm them..... but i am alone and no one else is noticing what ive noticed it feels sometimes and so i just wait, and care, and hope that no one reacts in fear at this photo that i see in black and white, but there is one face and it is of horror i fear and so i watch as eyes open wider and i look to see if anyone else has noticed but it seems everyone is looking at the object in the sky over the church and so i then look back to the woman and her mouth is wide, a face beginning to fear... time stops there... i look again and the crowd is dispersing and the shoulders might be drooped for some of them... they are sad looking to me... i want them all to feel cheer and joy, not fear of the unknown, but love in thier hearts and no pain... thie image is fading, a new one is waiting, always waiting and i welcome this new thought, this new energy and for a moment i can feel a gladness there that was so much else just a moment ago ..... i have one moment to ....

[nowheretorun]

i will be taking a short break ((June)))) thank you for sharing always

[nowheretorun]

well, guess that was a little bit of an unusual exit but im managing the situation at home or maybe it is managing me some too but anyway, i am back and all is quiet for now, even if it may be unhealthy beneath the surface, the Family members present are resting and that is good for now... mom is so tired and she needs her peace.... tonight is warmer than a few days ago....

[nowheretorun]

Mom is resting now, she slept through the night and is watching her favorite minister on tv... she will get out of bed soon, crawl to the bathroom at the other end of the house and then come back, she'll sit in her favorite hard chair and begin to wake then... little sis might call and talk about the baby... mom will laugh and smile and so will i inside.. i love to make coffee for her in the morning

[Junerain]

You and I will have coffee in our spce, cyberspace..

[nowheretorun]

one hour later, yes i checked it, mom had her first drink... i waited for the kids to get up and then i noticed the bathroom doorknob needed repair.... mom started drinking at 9:38am .. rum and coke... i'm beginning to hate rum and coke....

i told mom i wasnt able to do this for her this way... there was some emotion... ive left the house again... i hope she comes to her senses....

[nowheretorun]

thanks for following along... a lot of these posts may be notes to self, something i'll sort through and it will make better sense later, after a time has passed, some results are in...

i've had to intervene on the family's' behalf for mom... she is coping but there are some tense moments.. trying to help the kids get thier feet on the ground too... (cousin and g/f) they are both beautiful

his mom is also here at moms' she is a very interesting one... kind and caring... learning... we all are...

talked with all... they are on track and assisting me now... there's hope.... moms' favorite holiday is near.. we want to feel good ... sending love and care to all

[nowheretorun]

mom is having coffee now... coughing something wet inside her lungs.... clearing her throat as she often does... we are talking calmly and there is about 12 inches of fresh snow... i'm thinking about how peaceful she is now and praying for her health as i sit nearby and she wakes up, looks out her window, shivers a little.. ive thought to give her a softer chair, something for her feet (wondered who will clip her toenails when she cant) and looked in her (this morning) soft brown eyes..... she looks tired but a little better today so far...... the kids are still sleeping and the new cat is starting to come out more often now... i look at the family photos on the wall and remember things, feel things and i pray for all of us always...

[nowheretorun]

today is good enough so far... mom made it to the table, sitting quietly, managing some bills mixed with deep thoughts.. she is inside herself so much and i make an effort to connect with her, let her know we care..... she watched the news she said... remembers little of it, said nothing memorable happened, just the usual we have discussed together in the past.. she reads her Good Book and prays........ love all

[nowheretorun]

Mom has perplexed me so much... she is always giving but i am so confused sometimes it feels like taking.. i am still learning so much.. she always remembers to say i love you and it always works to bring me back even tho i get so frustrated sometimes... i get frustrated and think my feelings matter so much and i feel selfish then.... God whispers in my ear some things... says that we all matter and we all are equal.... i know i need to love all to ever hope to feel anything like whole... my mom is really something and i am very grateful for so many one of a kind lessons... we all have a mom and they each taught us a thing, even if we never knew them.... mine has made me wonder a lot about love .... im not sure how to deal with her polar mood swings at times.. but i know she is strong willed and has determination... she really is something alright..... i know she always will matter to me, no matter what, and i know i will always feel love for her, no matter what, and maybe thats the greatest lesson of all..... God Bless and keep each of you..

[nowheretorun]

Mom knows how to show me she loves me.. she completes the Circle of Love in her way.. it is not really like my way, but, if her way was my way, i never would have learned about the many ways of Loving... she challenged me in this lifetime in so many ways.. i wonder if i was weak to let myself be challenged about the ideas of Love... i think i wanst tho.. ive always done what i could with what i knew then... at times i was unable to express myself in a healthy way and then i would wander off the health path.. mom was always there and in time of my need, i always had one to call.. that is a true blessing...

my heart goes out to those who suffer so over their own familial relations... i know this is a very hard and rocky path we travel to reach a place of self acceptance and love for all... but together, love can build and grow and we can expand it outwards in so many ways.... just one moments beam of love to the universe and beyond touches all in Spirit.....

sending love and care to you always..

[nowheretorun]

so tonight its late, mom is resting and watching the late show, i am being inside, warmer here.... i come to this place to hear, listen, listen some more, and try to understand all of us, all of this... i work at taking the thoughts i feel as i read and i combine it with what has happened to me in my own life.... i hurt mst i think about Adam.... he made my blood move in so many ways..... but i spose Dad and Mom started that... and someone, grampas and grammas started that

its really cool to think about our human family..... we all are related, me and you too

theres lots of ways we connect everyday... my favorite is always the smile... even tho its hard.... someone has to i spose ive heard someone say.... and it feels better than some things ive experienced...

i will never stop praying for all of us... peace always

[nowheretorun]

something made me want to be near mom last night so i slept overnight again... some feeling that nearness was needed...... for her.... premonitions... she's been doing ok, maintaining level but she is in a delicate frame and i still worry.... feels like i always need to be near, but she wants space too... we're getting it figured out but she is sensitive and tired too... her happiness is very good when i get to see it...

i hope you all are maintaining even keel as much as you are able.. we here in America think of you often and send prayers

[nowheretorun]

ive had to be cranky some lately about some matters and its making me think all the various situations in my mind over some more.. first, i dont like being cranked off... i wanted to say i hate it, but i dont like using the word hate either.. so im left with just saying how it is that im feeling...

tired, excited... wait, that doesnt mix.... i slept a lot today cause i needed it or so my body thought so... i woke up disturbed... earlier in the day mom asked me to pick up her new bottle of rum... it was moment of truth time... i said no and it went better than i had been worrying it would go... but those tears tear me up and she had a hard time saying i love you this time... what was weird was that there was no fighting or anger... different than in the past but now that i think about it, ive never refused to get her alcohol before... its killing her i know....

i left the house for the day and did some thinking and meditating and trying to imagine options... i told mom i love her and told her she can call anytime.... she said ok...

i came back tonight and she is sleeping.. no signs of drinking.....

ive been a little cranky with the kids lately too but they are sunshine and dont hate me yet..... i dont try to be mean, i really care and want to explain some things about health to them... about how good health is better... they believe me and since they are kind of having some issues getting independent right now, they are ready to hear about simple matters like better health and self reliance...

i didnt see any news today, i didnt hear any on the radio either.. i know theres some suffering happening and i pray for it to end and for us all to have more joy, peace, and understanding as we grow through this and become more of who we each individually are.... i know there are parts of our world that ive yet to see and much of the Earths greatest beauties are found near and far, just like us... love to all of you always..

[Junerain]

(((((Those tears))))) are like raindrops..they do fall...are absorbed...evaporated..only to fall once more in a cloud that has blown some distance closer to heaven

Do noy worry about tears you cannot control for they belong to God He hears her cry he knows your situation

[nowheretorun]

im taking each day as it comes now, i dont know what to expect.. she didnt drink yesterday, thats good... her dark side scares me... it always means pain for me...

i'm going to hold on, i know i'll be ok... its her and i's relationship that is not doing so good it seems to me... she is up now, waking, getting coffee again... just a few days ago it was a joy, now its something different.. why do i feel fear? i know its cause of the thought of more pain... i should be an expert by now and its weird, tho it is easier to handle some stuff, i keep adding more to the pile whenever space comes available.. maybe i am addicted to sadness but i wont quit... i have a son who inherited this world and Dad taught me that kids matter.. its not too hard to understand anyway but ive worked it all out in my mind... i do this for the kids, i want them to know, i want them to know how to stay away from the pain if they can... its better to build than destroy

((((nowheretorun )))))))))))))))))))))))
I think thats how you have to take it one day at a time. Being the care giver is so very hard. Its even harder when the person drinks. You are doing a good job. Always take care of you and do not take on more than you can handle. I know the tears that go along with this as I took care of both my parents who drank. Its very hard to say no to them.
Its very hard when they turn. Your doing great...
Please know you matter always...