Borderline Personality Disorder

After many many years of knowing and being treated for Bipolar Disoder I have just now fount myself to have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm so relieved. There is so much about me and the things I've done that didn't qualify under the diagnosis of BP. Vengance, abusing people who have hurt me. I was recently let go of my job and I almost beat up my boss in my fit of rage. My boyfrind recently broke up with me because his ex-friended showed up with his baby...I did some really outlandish, illegal and stalking type of behaior. I couldn't handle it. Fortunatley it didn't last long...I wasn't arrested...but I acted out to the extreme to make him suffer and hurt as much as I was. I no longer do this, I left him a message apologizing for my extemely out of control behavior, nastiness. I abused his family, I abused his ex-girlfrelnd, I threatened legal action accusation (some of them very truthful and potentially damaging to his self-worth, the falior of the man he his. Pathetic, sexually unsatisfying and insulting every area of his life on many, many levels.

After doing some extensive research on my own I reconzide the symptomes of BPD. The next time I saw my P-doc, she said she knew that and even showed the notes she made in my file about this. She didn't bring this to my attention because of our focus on BP and getting my meds tweeked to the right meds for my tx of BP. She explained to me that this is not a chemical imbalance, but a behavior illness after being honest with her about the things that I was doing recently to my ex-boss and ex-boyfriend. She also said that these issues can only be worked out through extensive therapy...which I am in and have been for quite some time. She too knew that this is another part of my diagnosis but does not have the porper exducation and titles to diagnose or even mention it. She is thrilled at my own recognition of this issue. So our setions can finally be based on this very issue...an illness that can only be treated through therapy as it is a psycholgical and behior issue and not a disorder that can be treated through meds, but important to get my BP issues stabalized through meds and the chemical balance that I do pocess. So know is a very important time for me to work all this entails.
I'm not sure yet how this will be handled and dealt with, but do know that my t is qualified to adjust our therapy appts in learning the sorce of this problem.
My issue is that I'm now aware of this illness and fear of still acting out the inappropriate behaviors untill I make progress with coping stills that I will continue to have until I've learned to control this issue.
I would appreciate any feedback on how others have made progress in this area of mental illness.
I've received some advice from my P-Doc, but none I feel is right for me...at least at this point in my tx.
I'm also looking for others experience and hehaviors you've displaced in this area to see if I can relate to those too.
I look forward to the responses of this post and the potential for recognizing other things ppl with BPD they have done because of this very issue.
TgrsPurr.

I have borderline Personality as well.......my main issue with it is the whole I hate you, dont leave me........where I am in love one day and something as little and insignigant as not calling me will get me feeling rejected and breaking up with my one and true love....this is hard.........still working on it.......

Well, I have done pretty much nearly everything a BPD is described doing, short of actual physical damage to myself. Now putting myself in danger, well that's another story. Ahhh, but no more.......because I found out what was wrong with me, and decided to educate myself about the cause and what I needed to change. Man it was hard, diverting bad thoughts that would suddenly spring into my mind, controlling the emotions, it was horrible, just horrible. Then as I was reading this site there was a section on the Inner Child, and it all started to fall into place. There are three books you should read,
First one is Your Inner Child of the Past by W Hugh Missildine MD
Second one is I'm OK You're OK by Thomas Harris MD
Third one is Games People Play by Berne MD

I read #1 after I had nearly destroyed my relationship with my husband one weekend several months ago. In this weekend, he was well on his way to being 'split' again, and I was helpless at that point to stop what I was doing. Though what it did do was bring me to the worst point in my life and so open every emotional wound I had ever had, and make me face the destructive Child inside. I remember several months before telling my husband there was a monster inside me......didn't realize how right I was....sigh.......So when everything was raw and oozing that Sunday afternoon, something happened with a conversation between us, he told me he cared about me, but needed me to stop or fix or do something about how I was, because he wouldn't tolerate it anymore. This is what soothed the Child, for a day. The next day it tried to rear its ugly head again, and was soundly stomped on by Me. Yes, the Adult me was taking control of who and what I was, and I haven't looked back. My emotions have evened out, I've been on an extensive trip with my spouse 24/7 with him, not a single fight, cross word or thought.

I just finished the second book by Harris. It showed me how I deal with things, and why I do the crap I do. I am waiting for Games People Play, because this is what the BPD person does, plays games with the people that mean something to them. The 'Ain't It Awful' game seems to be a favorite for them. Was my favorite for a long time. Take a look at the section in the Psych site that is in my siggy below. This is where I started to really get my act together and became a person, a whole person. I've had some tears and hard awakening, but it has been so worth it to not have that empty feeling inside.

TgrsPurr said:
I'm also looking for others experience and hehaviors you've displaced in this area to see if I can relate to those too.

I look forward to the responses of this post and the potential for recognizing other things ppl with BPD they have done because of this very issue.
TgrsPurr.

I for got to mention one other thing, the feeling of not belonging? Gone. I was just outside with the pooch and realized what the biggest thing is that has changed. And that is now I feel like I belong to the human race, not outside of it looking in. As I waited for the dog to do its business, I thought about how far I had come in the last few months and felt such a swelling of pride within myself I just had to smile. I feel good now, all of me. I feel like I've been touched by Grace, to know me as I should be and it feels real good. I also forgot to mention that back in September we hosted a party at our house for about 50 people, 3/4 of which I did not know. Not once did I feel out of place. Now I know I've not completed my journey as there are moments that crop up that could've/would've been ugly thoughts as before, but now I know where they come from and they are dealt with by the Adult me. No longer will my fears control my life, I have become responsible for myself and am becoming capable of setting boundaries. Take a look at my posts and you should be able to piece it all together.

I want to thank you for your responses. I will take everything said into consideration. Right now, being newly diagnosed, I find myself just wanting to keep to myself until I've aquired the tools necessary to stop creating all this mess and distruction in my life. I have destroyed every relationship I've ever had...family, friends, boyfriends and working relationships. I just can't go on like this anymore and am using therapy to sort a lot of this out. I've been dealt a pretty awful lot in my life...things totally out of my control that I must contend with too. I feel a bit overwhelmed right now, but at least I have some direction to work toward. I find life to be just so hard...so hurtful...so mean and cruel. People, affording life, managing such serios disorders (BP & BPD), the mouthful of meds I have to take each and every morning just to function in everyday life. I'm not doing the "poor me" bit...just stating the facts as I know them.
Anyway...here's to healing!
TgrsPurr, xo.

I do understand the taking it slow and easy Tiger. At first it can be very daunting to think about all the changes that need to been undertaken. But know this Tiger, I wish for you a speedy recovery. If there is any time you wish to talk send me a PM. That's a 'Private Message' right? I'm just learning how to operate this board.

Oh BTW, I simply adore tigers. I have a very good selection of pictures and paintings. My favorite animal of all. Well besides my pooch.

When I finally came to grips with my BPD it was a turning point in my therapy. For the longest time I knew I had it and thought I was accepting of it but nope I was in denial (not just a river in Egypt). I finally realized yes I do have a personality disorder but it's not who I am. Its just a part of me. I take a bit longer to get on with someone and then run the risk of putting them up on a pedestal just to knock them off a couple of days later. My main thing is the drastic mood swings and I'm not bipolar because they aren't severe enough for that just annoying enough that I find myself being happy then sad then happy and the cycle continues much through the day. I have a boyfriend now (Rex) that I am trying very hard to appear normal around because we were friends first and I know when I start to wig out he freaks and runs so I'm trying hard to maintain healthy boundaries. One of them is not calling him everyday. I let him call me now and believe me that is a hard one for me. I want to talk to him all the time and have found that when I call him we don't talk nearly as long as when he calls me. Any way I hope that you don't think that this is a forever thing. You can "outgrow" this and learn new behaviors so you end up with borderline tendencies.

Jbug