Help! Ex has Anti-social Personality Disorder?

I believe my ex-husband may be suffering from Anti-Social Personality Disorder -- perhaps with "bonus" bi-polar.

Problem is, apparently the only thing worse than being married to him is to be DIVORCED from him. Since our divorce, he has done about everything he can to harass, and stalk me, he's tried to destroy my businesses...NOW he's trying to reverse a judge's repeated "no contact" order that prohibits him from being in touch with me and our three little girls. He's suing for full custody, immediately alleging I abuse and neglect them. NONE of this is true and we have GOBS of evidence to prove it. Each time he opens his mouth (or files court documents) there's one lie or major contradiction or attempt to mislead the court after another.

He's also committed crimes -- but somehow seems to always escape any admonishment. He manages to BS his way through it all -- I just don't GET it.

My question is: I need some REAL advice if this is what I'm dealing with (he seems to have many of the hallmark symptoms including cruelty/neglect of animals), but I don't know what I'm up against and how, if ever, I can get him to stop.

I appreciate any advice anyone can give me.

I'm so sorry that you ever were married to that guy Remain strong. This is very, typical of such...at least now days the attorneys and judges are wise to them, not like 20 years ago

First off, it sounds as though the courts have already decided in your favor. What he is rebelling against is them, not you (though he thinks you are the fault for all his problems, I'm sure.)

What he is dealing with is no longer your problem, really. Do whatever you have to to stay safe. This includes stopping your thinking about him. Let the lawyer deal with him, and his attempts to reclaim you: have no discussion with the lawyer unless absolutely necessary. If the ex breaks the ruling, call the police...make a police report.

While it might appear to be nice to move away and hide, so he can't find you, they often do anyway and you would be in an area where they aren't privy to your legal issues immediately. Best to stay put, but do change your phone number and put it on unlisted unpublished. Tell the operator that you are being harassed and they will do this without charge.

If you have money to put up a camera or two at your home, then do so. Carry a camera in the car, in case you spot him following you or watching. BUT don't go looking for him. Knowing that you are prepared in case will help you not fear him so, and allow you to be about the business of redeveloping a life for you and your children.

If you aren't in counseling yourself, go. A good T will help you learn good self esteem and to dismiss unfounded fear. Depending upon the ages of your children, you might seek help for them, as living with any parent who has troubles (such as your ex must have displayed?) has an effect.

Don't worry that he seems to get away with his bad acts, he really doesn't. But that would take too much thought about him to discuss Move on, and good wishes!

I don't know what else to say other than what Sky said. She said what I would have. But I'll throw in my best wishes for you also. It does sound like your ex has problems and he's trying to make his problems your problems. Misery loves company. Do your best to stay away from him and not let him drag you in anymore. I know, it's easier said than done.

Rap

Appreciate the words of encouragement, but here's the problem: the courts HAVEN'T gotten wise to him, and, unless they actually READ the filings, they never will. In the last go-round, his new attorney even lies for him.

Here's an example: in CA, a year ago, he sued for custody and visitation, claiming I abused and neglected the kids. The court ordered a full psych eval for the whole family. Kids and I participated -- 14 hours worth, $3600. He never showed up...(we knew he wouldn't). Five months into the battle, he drops ALL of his motions EXCEPT the ones dealing with financial issues (he didn't want to pay as much child support as was ordered).

He whines about how he can't afford to proceed on all counts, so that he voluntarily gave up child custody and agreed to abide by the no-contact. Now we find out that WHILE HE WAS STILL PROCEEDING ON THE California action, he simultaneously gets another attorney in Washington (where we'd moved back to). And, four months later, he's back in court, now suing for FULL CUSTODY -- using the same old "evidence" we'd refuted the last time around.

Now, here's where it gets funny. In his first filing, he claims I have mental problems because he claims I saw "a Dr. So-and-so" for psychiatric eval and since there seemed to be no report issued, he wonders what I could be covering up. This is in the court record. Turns out this "Dr So-and-so" happens to be the one the court ordered ALL of us to see -- where he didn't show up. He makes it sound like he has NO CLUE who this guy is or why I'd be seeing him. Well, we have ALL the records as to who we saw, when, and why, of course so it's idiotic that he'd make this up.

When we respond saying, "Uh, remember this is the guy YOU were supposed to have seen with us?" he replies in his NEXT court filing that, not only does he remember who the Dr. is, but he had several lengthy conversations with him! Well, Mr. Ex-husband...which time WERE you lying then?

He's either delusional beyond all comprehension or intentionally misleading the court. Or, both.Yet, what's the net result? NOW we have a Guardian at litem ordered by the court to "objectively" determine what the situation is with my kids. They're happy as clams, don't want anything to do with their father, yet I keep having to defend myself as being a good mother. The court DOESN'T call BS on his nonsense (this is only ONE of the many lies he's told in his "signed under penalty of perjury" filings), and they keep being allowed to bleed me dry, financially and emotionally.

He killed our kids three guinea pigs (these kids are now 10, 7 and 5), admitted to allowing them to die of neglect. When I discovered it (I let myself into the house one day, unknown to them) they had decomposed to the point that they were completely integrated into their bedding. The stench was so horrible! All he did was close the inside door to the hallway and open the exterior window. And, these animals "lived" in the room adjoining the home office. He lived with them, in the house, that way for MONTHS. And, worse is that, all this time they were dead, he tells the kids about how he's taking such good care of their precious pets and is "playing with them every day."

He's ADMITTED to this under oath. But, now his attorney claims that the animals were "in a remote part of the house" and were "accidentally" overlooked. She makes it sound like we had some 8000 sq ft mansion!

He's a computer security expert and has created anonymous emails to harass me, my friends, family and business associates. He's put up harassing websites which defame me personally, and ruin my professional reputation. He's "anonymously" sent me a bouquet of dead red roses tied in a black ribbon for mother's day...all those things he's admitted in court, yet NO ONE seems to see that this is a problem. I tried, after the last "bad" website to get one of the security certification organizations to sanction him for violating "professional ethics"...just got a letter back that says, essentially that since these "acts" were perpetrated against ME (an ex-spouse) that's it's a personal matter and not worthy of review.

So, he DOES get away with it, and now, once again, I'm in danger of having him exposed to the kids.

I feel very helpless, because he can appear so normal when he has to, and no one who doesn't really know him could ever CONCEIVE that he could do these things. But, he has, we have all the evidence. But, it seems to do me no good.

Is this EVER going to stop? And, is there anything I can do to MAKE it stop?

I would seriously look into finding a lawyer, detective agency, or better yet, an organization that helps individuals specific to your situation.

If all that you are saying is happening, yes, the best thing is to have meticulous records - even going so far as to documenting, as much you can, his behaviours in other aspects of his life (such as inability to hold down jobs because of behavioural problems, an inability to be stable as respects his living arrangements - ie. moving alot). Keep track of as much of that as you are able, including getting written affidavits from former landlords, bosses, tenants You'd be surprised at how co-operative people can be when they are presented with factual information about someone. (Won't work, though, if you behave, or have behaved, in the same sort of outragious behaviours as he has)

I HATE the fact that you have to deal with so much ******** before something is done. The law is such that hardly anything can be done until someone actually gets hurt.

If I were you, I would do, legally, what he is doing to you. There are many ways to make his life as miserable (such as hiring a "tough" private investigator, who can, on regular occasions (and minimal cost), make it known that HE is now being constantly watched for missteps that could seriously put his freedom in jeopardy.

On the otherhand, it could make him snap. (Gee, I'm not so good at advice-giving, am I?!)

You refer to a "we" in your reply. It suggests you are not alone in dealing with this. I hope so.

I know I did not give you a definite answer as to what to do either way - any action you will take will have their own unique consequences. Every illness has their degrees. Every individual manifests their illness(es) in different ways, according to their circumstances.

I guess I am one that would not take something like this lying down. My motto? "The best defence is a good offence."

Oh, one thing of VITAL IMPORTANCE is to try to discover EXACTLY what the nature of your ex's illness is. Guessing as to what his illness is, is just fruitless as many symptoms overlap when it comes to mental illness(es). This will, by far, help you to determine what course of action to take. Talk to a psychologist about this. Their opinion as to how to handle those with particular illnesses is invaluable.

And move if you have to. The safety of your family is paramount! No "stand" is worth the safety of your children.

THIS IS ONLY MY OPINION, AND I HAVE LOTS OF THEM, SO TAKE WHAT YOU WILL FROM THIS.

PS - He won't always get away with everything, although it may seem so.

Relief will come (and with hope, soon). Patiience (lots and lots), empathy and genuine sympathy for your ex (he is ill) - as much as you are able, and love for your children will give you strength. Guaranteed!

BY NO MEANS LET HIM GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!

Thanks gang for the support. And, for affirming that I've done the right thing.

I actually HAVE hired an investigative agency. THey don't feel he's an imminent threat to me and kids physcially, but agree there's a significant problem. They can't diagnose, because they've never met him.

And, I DO have TONS of records -- emails, photos, ...the investigators have talked to previous ex-spouse (one other can't be found). But, the big problem is that many of the people on my contact list don't want to get into details, or don't want to get involved. Or, if they do, it has to remain confidential. So, I don't know how much help that is. We'll see.

As far as moving is concerned -- ha! I can't now because I've been restrained by the court not to move the kids. And, he's a computer security expert -- he'd find me.

Doin' all I can think of. I'd LOVE to find out what he really "is" but w/o a psych eval (which he's skipped out on once already), what can I do?

I'm only worried that if he does get into an eval situation that he'll be able to BS or fool the evaluator 'cause he can seem so NORMAL.

Just curious? Have you ever talked to a Psych about your ex re: his behaviour patterns over the years, how they manifested themselves, at what periods of your lives together were disrupted by his illness, was it a gradual disintegration or just one great big snap, for the most part? What were his physical, emotional, reasoning skills doing during each of these "periods?"

I'm just wondering if you could get some sort of "profile" done of him. It could never be 100%, but with what is known about human nature and mental illnesses, they may be able to get you closer to an actual diagnosis that just winging it on your part. (Not implying you don't already have a good idea of what he may be suffering from) You would, of course, have to be very objective in how you describe your life with him - leaving emotions out in a personal relationship is very difficult to do. But, with the mountains of evidence you have, I bet they could come very close.

I guess the only way he may ever go see a psych would be through a court order. (good luck with that, you say? I agree).

You know something? It may be difficult to determine "exact" illness(es) as it takes a long time for a therapist to observe an individual in order to diagnose an illness unless, of course, one is a research subject and studied 24/7. However, it sounds like the ex is quite volatile and that is DEFINITELY something not easily hidden (he hasn't fooled you! If he continues to get worse, then he will no longer be able to fool anyone as his life will disintegrate); neither is vindictive behaviours like he is showing - through the perfect place - the court system. They are onto individuals like that. It may be that you can ultimately get a Judge, at some point, to have him evaluated by order, especially if his harrassment increases.

WHY ARE THE COURTS SO SLOW WHEN THE EVIDENCE IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM?????

Oh man, I sooo feel for you re your ex being a computer geek extrordinaire. So is mine! I have had to let go of my issues about using his computer (which I mainly do since I'm at his place most of the time) because it is nothing for him to see what I'm up to. It's freaky knowing he can track me, but so handy when my computer blows up... (a little joke, sorta)! I just keep saying to myself: "total extrovert, total extrovert...")

Take care always!

Well, I went the extra step of having professionals look at his behavior, actions and history.

Basically the information came down that he has a history of stalking and harrassment that pre-dates me and our relationship. While it appears that the likelihood of him harming me or the kids physically is low, there is concern about emotional abuse. (gee, really?!)

One of his previous relationships would only speak to the investigators on strict assurance that her identity and whereabouts would be kept confidential,. She's that worried about reprisal.

So, now that we have it -- with a strong recommendation to the courts that ex has a full pscyh eval before he's even let anywhere near the kids -- how do we get the courts to actually ACT on it? That's my big worry. Ex is going to claim that the report is worthless because no one ever talked to HIM during the investigation.

Do you have an attorney who is really tied in with your
local magistrates and judges? Is your attorney a "pit bull"
when working on your behalf? Does your attorney know
your ex's attorney and have worked with her? I've learned
in my year and a half custody battle against my mean
spririted ex (who also accused me of being a bad Mother)
that my "good ole boy" plugged in attorney helped me
tremendously.
Best of luck! He doesn't really want the children, he just wants to win.

Yes, I realize his goal is to destroy me.

We had a GAL appointed and she sees what's up. She's recommended he complete the psych eval that was ordered by the court.

His response? Well, not only has he contacted the original evaluator and claimed he always INTENDED to follow-through, could he now? But, he's now accused ME of cyberstalking and harrassing HIM. This, when today I found another inflammatory and defamatory Internet posting about me on another site.

Hearing was supposed to have been tomorrow, but "somehow" it's been delayed 2 weeks, for no reason we can fathom. Scheduling problem at the court? We confirmed the hearing time on Thursday; now it's suddenly been changed. That gives him 2 more weeks to come up with who knows what.

This man is evil as well as sick and he won't stop until he's destroyed me, financially, emotionally, and otherwise. And, it appears NO ONE -- not the courts, not law enforcement, not ANYONE -- is able to do ANYTHING to help me.

Dear Stalked. I want you to know you are not alone. It seems you are involved with a 'spot litigator' the nastiest creature on earth. We get many of these types at our Narcissistic Personality disorder forum and our Psychopath forum at MSn.

We have compiled quite a bit of information and link about this terrible situation.

We even have a support forum just for parents involved with these types. I hope you find it helpful and validating.

http://nz.msnusers.com/NARCISSISTICP...cecustody.msnw

There is even a book written by a lawyer/social worker, Mr. William Eddy about this topic:

Here is an excerpt:

I use the analogy that you can’t bounce a ball off sand. The more they try to get your attention by bouncing the ball, if you’re sand, they have to keep bending over to pick up the ball. They basically run out of energy. Then they move over to the pavement (which is somebody else) and start bouncing the ball off of them. The more you don’t have any contact and become the sandbox, the better. You have to have some contact regarding your child’s welfare and medical issues etc. But it’s important to be as brief as possible, One or two sentences at most, preferably by email.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

I believe you will need your lawyer to ensure that the courts act on the threats. Has anyone mentioned supervised visitations? You may want to consider this if it becomes necessary. It seems the courts only want to have a 'loving and caring relationship' between children and parents, even if the abusive parent has AsPD. therefore, supervised visitations, preferably at the abuser's expense might be the best outcome. I wish things were different. We encounter many horror stories of mothers in such situation. You're not alone. Child therapists, guardians ad litem must be brought into the situation. These people have the clout in the courts regarding visitation recommendation. It's a long, nasty, journey.

You seem so remarkably able to cope with this nightmare.

Do take care
femfree

You say...

He doesn't really want the children, he just wants to win.

You're absolutely right there. It can be a God send to recognize that this type of litigator is as his best in the limelight of the courts. They relish the attention.

My own now-X step daughter handled the situation with her NPD disordered X this way. When he went into the mediation session, the abuser strutted around demanding to see the kids every other weekend, all long weekends, one month in the summer etc etc. It amounted to about 25% of the time. In real life, he sees the kids less than 5% of the time and dropping. This NPD got what he wanted - to look good. HIs divorcing wife agreed to his demands, saying "You can see the kids whenever you want." Of course, he didn't want it at all. He only wanted to shine and she knew that and did that 'feed the beast' that can be a winning strategy.

Here's another strategy here, (scroll down a bit at this page)

See "visitation;
http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/tips.html

Good luck!!

Wow, I'm going to have to look for this book. Thanks for the resource.

The hearing has happened, and he didn't win on a single front. He's been ordered to complete the psych eval in the next 90 days. I wonder what legal defense he'll put up for why he can't do it. He started launching the old "gee, I can't afford it" defense, when 3 months ago his financial picture filed with the court was "proof" that he could immediately take sole and complete custody of the children.

What I am even more dismayed about is this however:

1) The courts do NOT read ANYTHING. This man has perjured himself multiple times in just the past 3 months. Blatantly. Courts don't notice or don't care.

2) It's amazing what you can get away with if your attorney is willing to lie. His attorney made completely outlandish and false statements to the court...and no one is able to call her on it. What happened to "sworn officer of the court?" This is the second time he's been able to find an attorney willing and able to lie on the stand. What luck!

I don't know how I'm supposed to defend myself "effectively" if there's no level playing field. When "truth," and "honesty" aren't worth anything what's left?

I just wonder, is he going to be able to BS his way through the psych eval, assuming he goes?

THanks for all the help!

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your ex.

I do want to put in a word, however...

For the people with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder and the like...

individuals are individuals and while it does indeed sound like you are having a hard time with your ex and he has something of a pattern of this...

not all people (not even most people) with antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder behave in such a manner.