triple threat

I feel as though I am a triple threat because I have two personality disorders and traits of another. The other is what I am concerned with. They meaning the shrinks say I have traits of anti-social personality disorder. I am aggressive, I always have been especially in relationships with men. But this sggression is getting worse. I have all these homicidal thoughts. I fantasize about killing people that have hurt me in the past. For example, this one giel back in grade 8 told me that I needed a nose job, back then I just walked away but now it has made me want to meet her 8/9 years later and stab her. Will I? probably not, do I want to? YES. Just these wants are interfering in my functioning. That's all I can think about. I am tired of turning my pain inward (borderline) and now I want to turn it outward (anti-social). Bottom line I don't care about anyone but myself and I will do anthing to make myself feel pleasure whether that is by killing someone or playing a game, I've always got off on blood. Even when I turned my pain inward I would have to see blood in order for the SI to be complete, not I feel I must see blood on other people for this w/e it is to be complete. Do you guys think I could have an anti-social problem? Because it is really getting to me, and my functioning. Is this worthy of talking to someone about?

Well, its good that you're talking about it for a start.
If you act on it, ultimately you would become despised and hated by anyone with any value, and so its good that you are addressing it here.
If you were to think of a way to deal with your pain that was niether turning it outward, or inward, with your intelligence, I'd imagine you could come up with some really helpful ideas that even maybe others could benefit from too...?

Dealing with pain is really such a difficult one, and a lot more people have it than admit it I beleive.

river

When I was at my worst I fantasized about violent scenerios in order to get myself to sleep. I won't say what these fantasies were except I was always the victor and the rest were slaughtered. These fantasies scared me because they were so vivid and they calmed me. Looking back now I realized how trapped I felt. There seemed like there was no escape from the emotional pain I was enduring. Nothing I could do. So it seems to me that those fantasies were the only escape I had.

Yes, I think it would be a good Idea to talk about this to your T. Sometimes under great stress fantasies can take on a life of their own so it would be better to start reducing the fantasies now before they get acted out on someone.
Zen

Thinking about doing something bad isn't the same as doing it. Are you in therapy? It sounds like you are trying to process things from the past and maybe it's gotten a little overwhelming.

How has APD become a problem for you? What exactly is interfering with your life?

It's interfering in my relationships. I have threatened my best friend on more than one occiasion when she has pissed me off. She is now scared of me. We still hang out though. I even carry a knife with me everywhere I go just in case someone does me wrong and I can stab them. I dunno I feel like it's taking over me all these fantasies, these thoughts. I feel helpless like I don't know who to talk to. I cannot talk to my current therapist because whe is too nice and just overlook it. I need to talk to a man about this but as you all know that could be a problem. I don't like the fact that these thoughts are taking over me but at the same time I am entertained by them. I don't know much about APD but I do know that an APD's philosophy is "hurt then before they can hurt me" which is my philosophy too. I have been hurt so much in my past by peers, my parents, etc that it's my turn to be the mean one. I am entitled. I've already been told that I objectify men. Why not women too? I feel so powerful. Like I can do anything. I want to play God. I want to be in control of when/how people die. I feel it's my duty.

Normaly I would not even care about a situation such as this, but I find relation to your situation. Not only is it to be expected that you would think in this manner after being tormented for so many years, I can say its almost completely natural. I find one of the problems for those with APD is the lack of an emotional and social mask. Keep your thoughts to yourself and wear an exterior friendly mask when around those who you do not want to scare.

KMF,
Youre preaching sadism here, whats going on?
Do you have ASPD? How can we help, it is important that others arent hurt. Everyone has extremely annoying aspects to them, I have my own disappointments with humans, but these things you are saying............ ........ it just needs to be said, your attitude is sadistic. What would help this situation? tell me.

river

Its not sadistic, its realistic. Even if I did have APD I see no reason why I would need help.

I have the everlasting Personality Disorder NOS...some borderline, some schizoid...some gosh knows what else!!!!!!!!!!

You say 'realistic' and I say 'sadistic'.
What I think you're saying is you represent a truth that others are in denyal of, would that be correct?
If that is so, all well and good, but we have to take a stand against evil.



You could help by expressing your truth.

Look what Sam Vaknin has done, he has turned his narcissism into a way to educate people, he has turned it around and put it to good use.
You could do the same, if you have aspd and it would take the bravery you have - to be that honest.
Make an impact for good rather than evil, it would be unique too.

Yes, I believe too that there is malevolence out there, you have somehow become the expression of it, it seems, and this can be a wake up call.

that is what I sensed with some others I've been in contact with, but didnt quite beleieve, now I believe, but I dont think they were aware of it, YOU ARE AWARE.........!

riverx

And one more thing, KMF,
I realise that what you express that you want to put out, I have the corresponding structured inside me. I have just as bad an internal attacker as you describe, so I do inwards what you talk about doing outwards.

Its better to have it out here than acted out in some destructive relationship. So, I think this is good to talk about these things here.

river

Lets be entirely honest here. Why are people worth helping? We are a backwards and pathetic race. Over evolved, megalomaniacle chimps. Sure there is some good out there, but obviously not enough to make a substancial impact. Not to mention those who specificaly tormented me (going back to the original thread topic), I see no reason why they should not suffer.

Absolutely, its a good thing for people to face consequences of their behaviour.

I see abuse as a principle, therefore to perpetuate it is to empower the principle that originally hurt you, which means you got coopted.

Why should people be helped? Depends what you mean by help,
its principles and better values that should be helped.

river

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KMFDM said:
Lets be entirely honest here. Why are people worth helping? We are a backwards and pathetic race. Over evolved, megalomaniacle chimps. Sure there is some good out there, but obviously not enough to make a substancial impact. Not to mention those who specificaly tormented me (going back to the original thread topic), I see no reason why they should not suffer.

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KMFDM, I think you answer your own question. "Why are people worth helping?", because "there is some good out there".

If we desire retribution, (eye for an eye or one-upsmanship), then of course that FEEDS the "backwards and pathetic race, over evolved, megalomaniacle" view you have of humanity. Put more simply, you become the enemy. Wouldn't it be better for an individual to rise above? To NOT become what he/she despises? And you DO despise those who have tormented you, don't you? So why would you want to adopt tactics or mindsets that equal that which you hate???

Now, taking it out on others - those who did not torture you - that's over and above retribution and more into the realm of sadistic pleasure. This is what fills the world with 'broken' humanity.

So, I insist it IS worth helping just 1 person. One less broken human = 2 less = 4 less and so on.

comments/criticism? Just looking for some logic.
VoN

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VoNPD said:
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KMFDM said:
Lets be entirely honest here. Why are people worth helping? We are a backwards and pathetic race. Over evolved, megalomaniacle chimps. Sure there is some good out there, but obviously not enough to make a substancial impact. Not to mention those who specificaly tormented me (going back to the original thread topic), I see no reason why they should not suffer.

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KMFDM, I think you answer your own question. "Why are people worth helping?", because "there is some good out there".

If we desire retribution, (eye for an eye or one-upsmanship), then of course that FEEDS the "backwards and pathetic race, over evolved, megalomaniacle" view you have of humanity. Put more simply, you become the enemy. Wouldn't it be better for an individual to rise above? To NOT become what he/she despises? And you DO despise those who have tormented you, don't you? So why would you want to adopt tactics or mindsets that equal that which you hate???

Now, taking it out on others - those who did not torture you - that's over and above retribution and more into the realm of sadistic pleasure. This is what fills the world with 'broken' humanity.

So, I insist it IS worth helping just 1 person. One less broken human = 2 less = 4 less and so on.

comments/criticism? Just looking for some logic.
VoN

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There is a difference in the mind set when you torment those who tormented you, and destroy those who fall to convention and conformity. They are pathetic wastes of life fueling capitalism and allowing pop culture to exist as our only culture. This behavior is unfortunately, human. This is why they should be punished.

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90mphINneutral said:
I don't know much about APD but I do know that an APD's philosophy is "hurt then before they can hurt me" which is my philosophy too.

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That's not really an APD philosophy, it is more of a borderline philosophy. APD is an absence of the regard for societal norms, rules, other individuals, remorse, human life, etc. Studies done on individuals with APD show that they are actually lacking whatever it is in the brain that makes "normal" people experience fear-- thus someone with APD lacks the emotion and fear that would stop most of us from doing the things that we may think about.

Not to be mean, but if you seriously think that if you told your therapist you carry a knife around so that you can stab someone, and he would overlook it-- well, you need a new therapist. He's not doing his job. Therapists that are "nice" also have legal obligations and concerns for their patients and other human beings.

The fact that you feel helpless and want someone to talk to leads me to believe that you are not as powerful as you say you feel. You may feel that way, but if you were that powerful and angry in every single way, you wouldn't even be posting here.

I suggest you talk with someone immediately before you do something you regret. Because I think you would regret it.

ive been following this thread some... i see a distinct difference in philosophy..

one side saying ppl are bad at times and can be educated..

one side says ppl are bad and should be punished...

i'm going with the education angle and those who harm should be kept separate from the rest of society if they are incapable of reversing negative projections about death and pain...

educating others on the other hand is empowering for those who wish to transcend..

thank you for allowing my interjections... best hopes for all

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KMFDM said:

There is a difference in the mind set when you torment those who tormented you, and destroy those who fall to convention and conformity. They are pathetic wastes of life fueling capitalism and allowing pop culture to exist as our only culture. This behavior is unfortunately, human. This is why they should be punished.

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Pop culture is NOT our only culture. Some people actually make contributions to alternatives. Some of us like alternatives. We too exist.

Punish people for making mistakes, for doing things you think are wrong? Does that make them change and do right? Have you found that punishment helps you?

You are showing that you are actually impressed with people who tormented you, or who are "pathetic wastes of life." Is that really what you want?

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nowheretorun said:
ive been following this thread some... i see a distinct difference in philosophy..

one side saying ppl are bad at times and can be educated..

one side says ppl are bad and should be punished...

i'm going with the education angle and those who harm should be kept separate from the rest of society if they are incapable of reversing negative projections about death and pain...

educating others on the other hand is empowering for those who wish to transcend..

thank you for allowing my interjections... best hopes for all

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


I must say (((nowheretorun))))))))))))))))
very good post

"educating others on the other hand is empowering for those who wish to transcend.. "

A very good post
muffy

So are these fantasies or would you really do it?

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muffy said:
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nowheretorun said:
ive been following this thread some... i see a distinct difference in philosophy..

one side saying ppl are bad at times and can be educated..

one side says ppl are bad and should be punished...

i'm going with the education angle and those who harm should be kept separate from the rest of society if they are incapable of reversing negative projections about death and pain...

educating others on the other hand is empowering for those who wish to transcend..

thank you for allowing my interjections... best hopes for all

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


I must say (((nowheretorun))))))))))))))))
very good post

"educating others on the other hand is empowering for those who wish to transcend.. "

A very good post
muffy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Punishment can be quite educating and humbling.

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KMFDM said:Punishment can be quite educating and humbling.

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I believe education is more educating than punishment. Humility is the result of having true education.

Punishment (in my experience) only brings resentment of the punnisher.

I appologize if someone covered my response. I have been there myself. What stopped that behavior in me was taking myself to the emergency room and told the truth, no more self medicating i.e. Alcohol, xanax, pot, going into talk therapy and SSRI, SNRI's.
Take care