Do I have a problem?

Hi everyone,
This is my first post here. I'm a 20 year old woman. I'm at the end of my rope and kind of wanted to see if any of my experiences were familiar to you or if I'm just feeling sorry from myself.

Firstly I suffer from emetophobia (phobia of vomiting) which is bad enough in itself, but other issues in my life have made me incredibly unhappy, possibly depressed. I can't trust anyone, even those close to me (of which there are very few). I'm convinced everyone talks about me behind my back and no one misses me when I'm not there. I can't let anyone near me because I'm convinced they will use me or hurt me. I can't talk to people and I tend to hide away on my own a lot. People seem to think I'm very standoffish and no one knows how to talk to me. Everyone laughs at me when I walk past, and yet at the same time I'm telling myself that I'm superior.Former friends always treated me like second best, because something else was always more important. I am deeply unhappy, feeling worthless and can't focus on anything. My whole life seems meaningless. I have absolutely no self confidence: I believe no one is attracted to me, no one wants to be near me. Even my therapist, who I only saw once, seems to have dumped me. I was prescribed antidepressants during the summer but chose not to take them as I didn't like the side effects. I feel as though any choice I make in life would be like settling for second best, because everything seems so hopeless and nothing is as good as my fantasies. Right now I'm waiting for my parents to leave the house so I can cry or break something. I do self harm when I feel bad, because it's a pain I can handle. Everyone has something better than I do, and I'm instantly jealous of anyone in the spotlight, especially other women. I could go on, but I'm making myself even more unhappy trying to think of these things!

I know I haven't been diagnosed with anything. I'm not a kid. I've had problems since I was 11 and now they're taking over my life. Do any of my experiences sound familiar to you nice people, or am I depressed, or am I just creating my own misery? Should I speak to my doctor? I would really appreciate some input, even if someone just wants to tell me to go away!

Hi, and welcome. It sounds like you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Talking to your doctor about it is probably a good idea. You don't have to keep feeling that way, but nobody can help you unless you let them. I'm curious about when you say your T seems to have dumped you? It's usually up to you to make a new appointment. But a lot of what you say sounds very familar to me. I've been dumped by a T, but there were a few other times i just didn't make a new appointment.

Most of what you are saying is familiar to me. And it started for me during childhood too. It's hard to convince yourself that you deserve help, and that it will make a difference, but you do deserve to feel better, and you can.

Rapunzel

Thanks everyone.

I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about things, because it's time to change. I don't know if my therapist has dumped me or not, but she told me after my first appointment she told me that she would speak to my doctor and then get in touch. I probably got that wrong!

Thanks for your replies. Hopefully I'll be able to give you an update in the future.

That sounds good. You might also give your therapist a call. Therapists often get so busy, I know it's not a good feeling to think about that, but especially when you are new if you it's just easy for them to get caught up in all the other things they have to do and not get around to getting back to you. It doesn't mean that you aren't every bit as important, but I'd contact her about it. At least I'd advise you to do that - my pattern is more like just letting that be the end of that and not getting therapy, but that doesn't work out as well. LOL.

Let us know how it goes.

<font color="purple"> </font> Hi,(flawed).First of all,let me say,I'm uncomfortable referring to you as "flawed" so if you don't mind, how 'bout I call you "imperfect"?My name is jill and I haven't been able to post for a while now but when I read your post I jumped at the chance to be one of many who can honestly say NO YOU ARE NOT FLAWED!!!You are who you are and (thank God) that is NOT defined by your fears,weaknesses,illnesses or what others may think of you.I don't know you and am not a doctor but I would suggest you see your Dr. and carefully describe your feelings to him/her so that they might direct you toward the proffesional support you need. I will tell you a little bit of my experience and hope it helps you to see you are not alone and there is another side other than the one you have been seeing.My diagnosis is borderline personality disorder(which involves a tremendous fear of being hurt/rejected abandoned,judged etc.),bipolar disorder(which involves severe mood swings of "highs" and "lows"),anxiety disorder(which makes every day things anxiety inducing) and some "features" of a few other disorders.I too suffered for most of my life with an over powering fear of vomiting.I also spent most of my adult life ignoring dr.s opinions and being very self destructive.In my case,all of my illnesses had one thing in common,and that was tremendous fear.But at the time,for all those years, I believed that I was just "flawed" and not strong or disciplined or good enough to "pull myself out of it".You see, when you aren't well, you aren't thinking as you would if you were.you don't have "insight" into the situations around you and your perception of things(like the way others see you or feel about you)is often based on your fears.So I projected my fears and self loathing onto others and assumed that they felt the same way.In actual fact, we don't know what they think,we can't.And,as I tell myself daily,at the end of the day,I am not the thing or person most prevalent in thier minds.Many things can influence a person's seeming indifference or dislike towards us.It could be stress at work,at home,in a marriage,a mental illness,OR just maybe,deep inside maybe that person is afraid you are judging them.We don't know what goes on behind closed doors in anyone's life. What is important right now is that you see someone professional who can help you to gain insight into your feelings.If you are suffering from a mental disorder,there is so much that can be done to help you.I want you to know that I have had a difficult struggle and still do in some ways but I am happily married,have a productive job with people whom I have made aware of my illness,I am NO LONGER afraid of vomiting!!!(not even a little).I have not done this myself.It has taken Dr.s medications,time and alot of patience...but it's not where you start but where you end up that's most important. You may feel that noone cares but they do.I do. PLEASE let others help you to see more clearly that you are not flawed you are imperfect and we all are.Life would be so boring if we weren't.It sounds as though you and I have alot in common and I would love to help if I can.Feel free to e -mail me.Otherwise, please keep posting.Take cars.jill.

Hi again,"imperfect"....please,DON'T take cars(that's illegal)DO,however,take care(blush)jill.

No, you do NOT have a problem. Your problem is that you think you are different, and don't trust that you will fit into the world. I read your posting nad can't tell you how much I relate to everything you said about feeling paranoid all the time, and like people are talking behind your back. I am in constant struggle with it. I was hoping I could tell you about myself and perhaps you could draw from it the parellels. I bet if you met me in person, you would never believe that I have teh amount of insecurity that I do. I am described as bubbly, happy, energetic, outgoing, funny...totally not the kind of person you would think walks around paranoid all the time, huh? The truth is, some days are better than others, but for the most part I feel petrified of other people. Somedays I feel so stupid around people, like no matter how I present myslef, I am going to annoy the heck out of everyone. I have a lot of friends, but never had any "best " friends and I am always feeling incredibly lonely. Other days I feel, like you said, superior to others...like the only reason I am not adored the way I wish to be is because I am too good for most people. It's confusing even to me. But it has gotten better. My therapy really helped. Now most days are no problem at all, but I still wake up on some days feeling like there is a cloud over myhead, it's incredibly hard to pull myself out of that self depricating mentality. Coming to sites like this one helps, because all I ever wanted to know was that I am not alone in how I feel.
I have great things in my life that I know I should be happy about...and I am. But still, I have had my share of rejection from friends when I was growing up who treated me like I was a big burden all the time, rolled their eyes at everything I said, and made me feel very small. I have been fired from more than 30 jobs in the last 7 years. I know how that sounds...and I also know that it should be obviose by now what I am doing wrong in all of these jobs, but still I am not able to figure out what I could be doing wrong, I am never really able to get those answers. Most of the time my employers say "it just was not wokring out". I was kicked out of my sorority in college all due to a terrible rumor that wasn't even true, and the list goes on and on. The truth is, I never fit into my sorority, always the girl who didn't have a roomate, never fit into these office, always the one who wasn't invited to lunch.
Like you, I am determined to kick this issue. But Something I HAVE learned it that my instincts were always dead on. If I felt that someone was talking about me, I was usually correct about it. But on the flip side, I have learned that while I know I don'tr deserve to be treated this way, I can still take responsibility for what is happening. others treat you the way you condition them to treat you. Perhaps there is something in how your project your energy towards others that make them uncomfortable. I am pretty sure that is the case with me...I wear my insecurity on my sleeve. Perhaps, you have an amazing gift of being able to read others better than most. Perhaps you are superior to them and people are threatened by that. In therapy, I learned a pretty amazing thing about myslef, and that is that I have the gift of affecting the energy in any room that I have just walked into with my mood. If I am feeling happy, the room lights up, if I am feeling sad, it's like people want to hunt me down and kill me. We all have super powers, and with those powers come burdens. I bet people are more afraid of you than you are of them. I bet deep down they'd love to know you on a real level, but you are very mysterious to them. I bet you are burdened with being as special as you want to be, but with the right amount of courage, you could change everyone's mind about you. Even if I am wrong that they are talking about you, you are can be the one in control with the right amount of confidence. I know that if you came up to me and started a nice conversation with me, you would make my day. I would be so happy to have a friend who didn't judge me and liked me for who I am. It's what I spend my nights praying for. How is it possible that so many of us feel that way, and yet we feel like we are the only ones?

Thanks guys. I had a whole big post explaining even more, but then my internet connection died and i lost everything But to sum it up, right now I feel like I'm falling apart, and I am desperate to get help. It's just hard because on my good days I wonder how much help I need, or if I deserve it, and my parents don't understand or notice anything. So thanks again everyone, I'll keep posting, if things get any worse than they are right now I'll have no choice but to get help.