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#326
Sep 11, 2009, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
T pointed out something in session yesterday... Others probably do it, but I have a tendency to forget that my physical health problems are going to affect my mental health in a variety of ways. With chronic conditions, some of us develop that attitude of "it's part of life...my life." So I discount the affect of multiple events on my emotional well being. If it's chronic then ya just do the best you can 'cause crying about it changes nothing, and folks around you tend to roll their eyes...not that they shouldn't! It obviously entails many changes for them, and most of them are difficult. When the body is busy rebuilding energy and strength from one event after another, it reaches a point when you surrender and say, OS, I give up. And it's not in a bad way, either. It's healthier to admit tiredness and limit or let go of some responsibilities... When I gave myself "permission" to have fun, there was a message in there... permission?? why did I think I needed permission anyway? why did I give it a time limit or activity limit? Ego. I Will Not Be Seen As Being A Wimp  so It became all right for me to crash and burn. Jmo/jme, but we flit in and out feeling good; don't feel too good or the shoe/boot will fall, the sky will fall, etc.. The older I get? The less I know...dammit  In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
 white_iris
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#327
Sep 11, 2009, 03:21 PM
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You sound better. I'm glad you got what you needed!
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 notz |
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#328
Sep 11, 2009, 03:30 PM
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((((( everyone )))))
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| Catherine2, notz, phoenix7, white_iris
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#329
Sep 11, 2009, 03:31 PM
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((((((((( everyone ))))))))))
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| Catherine2, notz, white_iris
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#330
Sep 12, 2009, 01:58 AM
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The peace vigil tonight was beautiful, comforting, and it brought about a sense of belonging, individuals with a shared goal. In cadence with the drum, we took turns saying the names of those who were KIA.
It led me to think about PC in general, and this group in particular. Jmo, of course, but don't we stand together in our own type of peace vigil? We share a common goal; helping one another find that measure of peace that can make our lives a bit easier. Whether we speak/share or remain silent until we are ready to share...we are still standing together. No one is left out. No one is ignored. Everyone is important, everyone one of us in our own way. Our different perspectives bring depth and dimension to our vigil. Words don't have to be spoken, the strength being shared is still there. A sense of belonging is so important to me. Do you find this true of you? Our histories of trauma brings us together, I believe. We didn't gravitate to each other to learn how to dance, cook, ride trikes, speak Chinese, change the oil in our cars, or learn sky diving. We came to each other because we knew that we would be understood, to grasp new skills in grounding ourselves, to give and get support, and hopefully to accept that we were not to blame...and to do our best to let go of shame and guilt. Jmo, of course... In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| FooZe, phoenix7, white_iris
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#331
Sep 12, 2009, 09:43 AM
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******may trigger******
trapped with memories of then shrouded in darkness turned inside out naked and exposed nauseating pain raw and bleeding... in the darkness there is no light shrouded enveloped bound no one can find me i can't find anyone the wisdom the peace the strength all silenced for now i had a dream of flying i was seeing above but it was not flying i was standing at a window willing myself knowing i knew how to fly i've done it before i can again but the window was solid, thick i can't fly once again trapped with memories of then shrouded in darkness turned inside out naked and exposed nauseating pain raw and bleeding... and i can't even fly |
| phoenix7
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#332
Sep 12, 2009, 08:28 PM
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white_iris W_I Wonderfully_Inspirational Helping so much, caring so much, sharing so much. (Just needed to say that) A big part of getting over myself came in learning to express myself in writing (work in progress). Not just writing about how I feel now, but how I felt before. The ideals of a little boy, lost at the scene of a crime. I found that in writing poetry I was able to express the feelings that ruled my life and what I went through when my understanding was lost, in a way that other people can understand. Seeing normal people reading and wiping the tears from their eyes and offering a sympathetic nod or hug gave me a feeling of acceptance that I never knew before. Hearing the compassion expressed in the words “I never even knew” made think: If I'd only spoken up sooner. Expressing hidden feelings is the hardest thing to do, but without sharing them, they never seem to go away. Without going back to find your lost values, you will never find your way home. I know this to be a fact. Who am I? Who am I really? Catherine asked that we share our journeys as best we can. Well, I wrote a poem. Sorry for the length, it spans a half a century. I didn't write it all at once. I wrote it in bits and pieces, as memories came and feelings returned. The Witness
“Inside Out” A special kid with shining eyes He smiles at all the passer’s bye The widowed ladies on the street Say, he’s so special, he’s so sweet He always has a smile for them Says everybody needs a friend Concerned they’re lonely, shares his time Their warmth returned, it helps him shine He cares so much So many friends Who on his efforts do depend Troubled hearts and frightened souls He can not help but to console He knows the feeling deep inside That feeling when you’re pushed aside That hollow cold so deep within How warmth of friendship fills it in He watches for the troubled faces Tries his best to fill the spaces His mother always understood He cared too much for his own good His open heart was there for all All they had to do was call I know his true sincerity You see, that special kid was me That ended all one fateful night When I beheld a frightful sight Just outside a drugstore door I spotted robbers on the floor Dressed in classic gangster clothes Not a feature left exposed Hankies draped across the face Just their eyes were left to trace Behind the counter, standing there I see their arms raised in the air I see the terror in their eyes My friends, just standing, paralyzed I touch the door, I run away That moment I was changed some way I run straight home for shelter bound My feet, they hardly touch the ground I grab the handle of the door It’s locked! Oh god! My terror soars! I knock so hard, my knuckles racked An impish knock comes knocking back Electric waves streak through my skin I cry: Open up! Please let me in! Behind the door a playful tone Says: Come back later, there’s no one home Electric skin like prickly fur And now it all becomes a blur The door is finally opened wide And as it does, I flash inside Locked safely in my living room My world has changed, foreboding looms Police are all around the street But my heart can hardly catch a beat A sudden knock comes at the door I almost tremble to the floor What if it’s those gangsters who Are here for me! My family too! Relief so welcome when I see Detective’s come to talk to me Their presence gives me confidence They take my statement for evidence Methodically they coach me through Till I say the word they want me too I never could have seen that gun A fleeting glimpse I had to run They say: that’s as far as it will go We have enough for guilt to show They say they’ll bother me no more Then a subpoena comes to my front door It says I have to take the stand And that is where the worst began Nine years old, a panicked mess The prosecutions “Star Witness” Nobody can understand This fear imposed by justice hand In the court, expose my face To spin their story, make their case Facing both those evil men I can’t believe, I can’t defend Heart is pounding, need to hide Standing naked, open wide Now that they have seen my face Where to hide? There is no place Something happened, something snapped my confidence has come unwrapped The prosecutor’s made their case The perpetrators in their place And even though the verdict’s clear I can't escape this anxious fear Everybody cheers the case But here’s the sentence I must face Justice breath Breathing down my neck Stand up boy And testify I hope your pleased, you got those guys But little do you realize You stole my life, You stole my heart You should have known it from the start Push me out upon that stage At such a very tender age To criminals, expose my face My broken life, it's your disgrace Whatever have you done to me? This scary feeling, can’t break free It’s nothing anyone can see Like something jumped inside of me Prickling skin Feel it closing in Can't catch my breathe Oh, not again Sun is falling, evening comes Darkness closing, need to run Heart starts racing, muscles strain Stomach knots of acid pain Glimpsing shadows in the night Like demons just beyond my sight There’s no place for me to hide Imagination open wide Shadow breathe Breathing down my neck Icy chill Of what’s in store Lying in my bed at night I cannot overcome the fright heart so fast, can't feel the beats tremors start the bed to squeak If they're inside I'll soon be found Lay ridged, do not make a sound Quiet, only shallow breathes Hold fast till morning, then I'll rest Every night it feels this way Oh God please make it go away I’m more afraid to live than die Can’t even seem to reason why I can’t sleep, can’t go to school I feel I’m under Satan’s rule I’m so afraid they’ll notice me Those faceless men, those demon seeds I’m so afraid of what’s in store I'm caught outside, they've slammed the door I’m drowning, overcome with dread Suspended in this static web All alone And so exposed My confidence is off the shelf Wrap broken feelings round myself I hide inside and try to shield I’m trapped inside this static field I can’t come out I shake inside My door no longer open wide My door was always open wide Now all that I can do is hide Two special people come my way And help me through my darkest days Special people standing by Like guardian angels from the sky Although they do not understand They give me legs on which to stand They seem to sense so deep inside That frightened child who tries to hide Nothing spoken, nothing heard Console my heart without a word They bring to me this sense of calm And make me feel like I belong I wonder if I’ll ever be The person that I used to be I really can’t remember me Not me the way I used to be Some other people try but fail To coax me from my static veil Though isolated and obscure Inner feelings do endure All alone Inside myself I work for years to build a new Facade to help me carry through Though openly I can’t support From deep inside my static fort I speak in whispers on the fence I can’t jump in. I feel to tense But still I try to do my best Help special ones pursue their quest Now forty years have past me by I feel the tears in someone’s eyes It breaks my heart to hear their plight Those hidden feelings start to fight Reconnecting broken wires Inner courage it inspires Patching up old broken feelings emotions on, my heart is reeling Still trapped inside this static prison Inner feelings now arisen Confidence begins to swell I remember just how far I fell Within myself, I cursed and swore I can’t be like this anymore! Then slashing through with sabers gleaming I’ve broken free, my feelings beaming I can’t imagine what I’ve lost To people round me, what's the cost Thank goodness for those special few I remember now I’m special too |
| Catherine2, phoenix7
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#333
Sep 12, 2009, 10:23 PM
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Bruce--I hope hugs are ok
Your poem, your opening your ''door' has really touched me.....  you saying this: white_iris W_I Wonderfully_Inspirational Helping so much, caring so much, sharing so much. (Just needed to say that) has touched me....... i'm feeling so lost, so confused and scared. trying to stay grounded H is gone tonight and i'm alone and every light is on in the house and it is still dark...... |
| phoenix7
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#334
Sep 12, 2009, 10:55 PM
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Quote:
Keep speaking out. Here, at Ts, get it out every way you can...it will lessen it's power over you. Many posts ago, I shared that our journey was going to go through some hellish spots. They are just that--spots; a period of time when it hurts to continue but you've come too far to turn back. The length of those times will grow shorter as you grow in confidence and trust yourself, when you accept that you will pick yourself up again and inch forward. Guess who's inching along with you? Me. Maybe a few others... When I needed reassurance, w_i, you were the first one to offer it to me... Mind reader? No. Heart reader? Yes Our hearts are listening to yours, our hands now reach for yours, we aren't going anywhere...we don't leave one of our own. In Peace
__________________
The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| phoenix7, white_iris
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#335
Sep 12, 2009, 11:02 PM
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Bruce,
Powerful words, thank you for sharing them! They helped white_iris, I know they helped me, and I'm sure it helped anyone reading them. The honesty and encouragement within your poem is to be treasured--it gives hope to those who are faltering. Reading then losing myself in your words helped me find another piece of my puzzle. My new one, not the puzzle of the old one. In Peace
__________________
The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| phoenix7
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#336
Sep 12, 2009, 11:59 PM
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(((((( everyone ))))))
__________________
Last edited by Fuzzybear; Sep 13, 2009 at 12:15 AM. |
| Catherine2, phoenix7
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#337
Sep 13, 2009, 05:09 AM
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it isnt right is it - you see pain and you cant fix it - cant take it away - cant change the past or present for someone you care about - or many people you care about
we are here doing what we can supporting each other the best way we can - talking when we can - listening when we can - sometimes just breathing is enough.... or sending a hug.. or offering a hand... or being offered one...... who am I...... I am many parts... I am the child that was trapped in the past - locked up wiht the memories in the dark ever crying the tears i could not. the child from before is gone... the trusting happy smiling child i see in the pictures before.. she died..... her innocence taken away.. i am the protector - wanting to protect everyone everywhere - wanting to heal everyone - wanting to reach into the past and protect the me-child that died - failing - wanting to protect her kitten that was poisoned - failing - wanting to protect herself as she grew and was used - failed - forgetting all and not telling - so then others were harmed - failed - so many wishes so many failures...... not much of a protector.. maybe thats why i am such a protector at work and now.... I will stand in harms way to protect another ..but will not protect myself.... I am the part that would take love any way she could get it from those that should have protected her - who resisted at frist but then didnt fight...... didnt run...didnt tell....didnt scream..... part of her wanting love...but that was not love.... i am the cold hard part that is steel - that can do the things that need to be done when they need to be done - but that also is the part that harms me because i deserve it..... I am the logical part that wants to heal - have a life a love - someone to hold me when im sad - someone i can hold when they need me ..or even when they dont.... I am the emotional part - rageing like a tempest - swirling like a tornado - keeping me off balance and alone - dont trust - dont belive - hide - disconnect -sleep - dont sleep - eat too much - dont eat - spend too much -money that i dont have - dont answer phone or open mail - aaarrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!! or GRRRRRRRR or but rarely  always waiting for a reason? excuse? to carry out my own threats to myself lolat least i dont want to harm others lol - knowing that love is a lie and that i am unlovable so my dreams will never come true.... disgusted wiht myself........maybe voices formthe past ...dunno..... I am not the person from 3 years ago - cool calm collected untouchable - that nothing got to - who lived in a dream - never touched reality except the one i fabricated.... she is dead now... never really existed.... I am soft and can be hurt by a glance a word a sigh, misread things, get hurt, misinterpret get hurt, always waiting for the person to leave when they see the real me - always knowing that everyone always leaves one way or another..... adn that alone is my destiny - my just deserves lol I am now all these parts warring wiht each other - fighting for survival for power - and in the middle stands T - Pdoc - and my friends here at PC - my rocks in the stormy sea - sometimes i hold on tight to them when the storm is bad - other times they hold on to me as i try desperately to let go and slide beneath the waters........ I am not DID, I am just shattered into a million pieces..... kneeling in the glass - trying to put it back together ...but i never was good at puzzles.... always gave up lol sending warm healing thoughts to those who want them - offering a hand or sitting with whoever needs it and wants me to.... offering hugs to those who will take them from me - taking hugs if offered - worthy or not lol (me not you ) take care - hope i havnt triggered anyone I have probably said too much.... sorry
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!  (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| Catherine2, FooZe, white_iris
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#338
Sep 13, 2009, 08:45 AM
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thank you......for the reminders, for the reassurance that there are hands and hearts... i made it thru the night with sleep aides and pain meds and my dogs at my side. (usually they are closed in the kitchen). it's a new morning. H will be home tonight. not even crawling today sitting huddled cold victim stance..... defeat mode.... need to move need to begin crawling..... but the heaviness the suffocating air sucking darkness my thoughts and fears hold me back... trying to fight trying to crawl can't even think of flying afraid to just let go so here i sit....... |
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#339
Sep 13, 2009, 08:49 AM
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your words hit home in so many ways. i can hear your pain and your struggles.....and i can feel it in my soul......and i thank you for sharing i thank you for offering healing thoughts and comfort....
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#340
Sep 13, 2009, 09:28 AM
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Thank you for sharing... No, I don't think you have said too much. Please don't doubt yourself. It's my belief that others read our words and know they are not alone in what they are going through... Alone...loneliness...isolated Sometimes those feelings ease whenever we feel even a small bonding to others. An inch of crawling is an inch of healing. Forward movement... We want life to have meaning, and want to be fulfilled, and it is hard to accept that we find these things by starting where we are, not where we would like to be. Kathleen Norris Perhaps, while inching feels bad, what waits for us in that inch is solid, certainly gets our attention, then we can identify our feelings...when we know what those feelings are is when we loosen their power over us. ...and that is not going to feel good at first. Those feelings have been bottled for so long it's akin to scraping barnacles off a boat. It is not easy, but it is worth our efforts In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| white_iris
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#341
Sep 13, 2009, 11:42 AM
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outside sun is shining
birds verbalizing bees feeding everything is living..... living still going on forward living breathing in unison as one living being creating a tiny pin hole a glimmer a sliver into the abyss |
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#342
Sep 13, 2009, 01:44 PM
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w_i,
hurray! slivers count... "...there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in..." Leonard Cohen Anthem In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
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#343
Sep 13, 2009, 01:53 PM
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trying to
get over the shock. the little cottage/cabin that was my retreat burned down this morning I'm grateful the people staying there were at church...their father called a bit ago with the news. it was were I went every time I needed solace, to be alone. it was mine, mine alone. paid for it years ago. I cannot face going there today it was like the System Restore of my life
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
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#344
Sep 13, 2009, 03:28 PM
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Quote:
__________________
notz |
| Catherine2
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#345
Sep 13, 2009, 04:06 PM
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(((((((Catherine))))))
I'm so sorry about your special place. My heart aches for you. When you are ready you will find the strength to go to your place and grieve. And perhaps rebuild..... The structure is gone, but not what is surrounding it. It may have a different look, but the spirit and the heart beat are still there. Listen and you will hear the whispers. 
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| Catherine2
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#346
Sep 13, 2009, 11:06 PM
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As I shared with a friend, it was what within those walls that were the most important to me. The things of value that were lost were not those I touched physically...yes, there are many things that meant a great deal to me. I don't deny that fact, and I'm sure I will grieve at differing times when I realize they are gone forever. It happening did lead me to acknowledge some things, though. I have to have a center within me that is also a safe place. The cottage was were I ran when I needed rest and renewing. But I really need to work more on creating comfort and safety in my heart. Going there, I left my problems at the door. When I left, it may have been with a different perspective, but I still took them with me. If I allow it, I can make that place within me grow... Actually I've used it in guided imagery as a type of self hypnosis...stressful medical or dental procedures...situations that put me on high alert. After awhile, I was able to think about my cottage and my feelings of safety were stronger. Because the cottage itself is gone does not have to be the end of that vision/feeling of security. It's already a part of me; you are right about the structure being gone. But I can and will protect the grace and light I found there. Don't we all need a core of safety? ...when life is rotten and hard and hurts... a tiny but powerful center that comforts us? gives us hope? helps us to hang on? work in therapy? post here? It's got to be something we already have, perhaps we don't recognize it because the blanket of despair hides it? Can we "birth" it and learn to rely on it even when we feel absolutely horrible? Are we already relying on it when we question why/when/how life gets better? Random thoughts, obviously. jmo, of course In Peace
__________________
The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| FooZe, white_iris
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#347
Sep 14, 2009, 10:02 AM
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AHHHH--such searching questions.....and they have come at a good time for me.....
sound like some that could be put in a spiritual journey journal (say that 3x fast, LOL) In Eastern religions, it is centering, chi, or other names.....finding center balance, peace....within so it can be carried with you. It is often difficult for me to keep focused in it when there is much turmoil inside. I have written a description of my "centering place" from how to get there to vivid descriptions of surroundings. JUst had a thought--could tape record it and use it for a "guided meditation" of sorts...hmmmm I lost my childhood safe place not to fire, but to getting married and leaving "home". Each time we visited parents, I would go there and sit with a very special adult friend. Then she and her husband decided to move and sell the house and property......though i have a couple of special things from that place, physically it is gone from me.......but it is part of my internal comfort place......and i still miss the physical place after 10 or more years. her new home is just not the same.... do I have your permission to copy your questions and ponder them more deeply for myself?
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#348
Sep 14, 2009, 10:39 AM
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of course, w_i, copy it...
thank you for wanting to do it I'll be leaving after lunch to drive down and see what needs to be done. I think I'd rather be in my "left field" and having triplets with no help other than the critters cheering me on... It was arson, although I don't believe it was anything personal...another cottage burned down in August. I have no idea of what to expect. Chicken poop that I am, I like having even a small idea of what to expect! I want to get there, say Howdy to the fire chief from the small town and talk with my insurance agent, sign any papers and get the heck out of there. Just realized I'll probably have to make arrangements for clean up...maybe I can salvage a few things then have everything bulldozed...if that is what is done. Yep, no idea of what to expect. The drive is a pretty one and I'm taking my favorite CDs and singing along with them. No bravery here, I am nauseated Old, old tape that is playing in my heart about losses. I can work through that on the drive there... In Peace
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
| white_iris
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#349
Sep 14, 2009, 10:43 AM
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Take care, Catherine.
__________________
notz |
| Catherine2
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#350
Sep 14, 2009, 01:59 PM
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 couldn't do it got half way there, pulled over to throw up, sat there and cried, and came back. maybe tomorrow
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The Most Dangerous Enemy Is The One In Your Head Telling You What You Do and Don't Deserve... |
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
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