[SUNNY2009]

I am so overwhelmed with life
you say to live
but I dont know how
my body is 40
but my mind is a child
I am knotted up inside
unable
to walk through the door
into the world
I sit for hours
stuck
thinking
frustrated
what do I do
looking around I see the tasks
but still I am unable to move
I want to live in the bubble
but I cant remember my way
somehow I am lost in a world I am unsure how survive
my son is growing
he needs my guidance
but I am lost
how can I show him the way
when I too am lost like a child
scared
alone
barely able to take a step
I am crying inside
The need for my fake world
to protect me and sheild me
responsibilty is keeping me
from closing my eyes
Im grown up now
no choice
still feel lost like a child

Sunny, I am so sad to hear of your frustration. I will certainly pray that things will get better for you asap. Anyway, here's a big hug for sunny (((((((((((((((sunny2009))))))))))))))))))
Best wishes for you and your's

Sardean

[reg12]

Sunny, we are here for you. Take care.

[Gabi925]

Sunny, sometimes is hard and I know how is to wonder what you are good for anymore. For years I was celebrated on both Father and Mother day and when I feel to give up I read what my child wrote to me.
"Happy Mother's Day 2006!
She feels melancholy
She has pain
That cannot be mended
With a band aid
But by a special treatment -
Love
As the mother gently extends a hand
Over the hand of her daughter
The warm, soft skin is felt as precious comfort
The worried mother is anxious because of her daughter's pain
The pain of once true emotions twisted and trashed with torment
From the disease -
Lack of love
Heartbreak comes over the mother
As she understands her mistakes
Or were her mistakes if there was no other way known
And yet the mistakes were grave nonetheless
The mother continues to heal her
Her hand out to her daughter's arm
Full with love and comfort
The treatment, the healing is having its effect
She knows that sincere love is the only medicine
And the mother realizes that she, herself, is the medicine, is the love
They remain there together
And look upon the rising moon
The mother whispers tenderly
"Oh my dearest daughter, I am truly sorry and I love you."

[Catherine2]

(((SUNNY)))
in my thoughts

In Peace

[opheliasorrow]

awww Sunny Would it help maybe if I told you I feel the same today? My family need me to be a mum and a wife and I've been so busy, now I wanat to crawl under a stone from these knots in my stomach and hide/stay in bed so I don't have to do adult things. No therapy for 2 weeks now, I need her

Shall we hold hands and maybe we'll feel better? Cyberly I know but still .... My child is here today too, she wants to be looked after just now and not have to be responsible .... I hear you loud and clear and just want you to know I am here for you. Being overwhelmed means we need to try and take good care of ourselves, perhaps you could do something with your son which involves a bit of child like baking or going to feed the ducks or going to the park? I'm not sure how old your son is .... even if he's a teen you could do something together? Sending safe, warm hugs sweetie. Thinking of you, Kerry xxx

[SUNNY2009]

((Gabi)) *** What a pretty story...thanks for sharing and thanks for writing me. I appreciate you

((ophelia)) lol, I am thankful for your words, I feel like we connect, it is good. I think I am glad it is a new day and yesterday is done. I plan to get out early and just try to enjoy the day. I hope your knots are gone .... mine have not started up again and hopefully I cant keep it from doing so. My son is a teen....oh boy!!! Thank you for the warm hugs

((((sardean))))) thanks for checking in

(((Catherine))) thank you

(((REG)))) you are good and I appreciate you checking in and always taking the time...

[Sannah]

Sunny, you are bravely stepping out from your usual coping mechanisms and this feels so uneasy at first. You are correct, you are still a child emotionally (like all of us are or were before therapy) but you are working really hard and you will make progress and grow up emotionally (I did).

[SUNNY2009]

Growing up emotionally is scary
I once thought I was a real adult....but now I am not so sure.....sigh.... just venting .....

[Poisoncontrol]

Sunny I feel the same way...I hate my life, I hate where I am at, I cant get going. My kids are here but I am not. All I can say is good luck to you and to me.

[reg12]

Vent away. It is good for all of us.

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

Growing up emotionally is scary
I once thought I was a real adult....but now I am not so sure.....sigh.... just venting .....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

Growing up emotionally is scary
I once thought I was a real adult....but now I am not so sure.....sigh....

What is scary about it????

[SUNNY2009]

Hi sannah...
For the record I dont hate my life .... not at all.
but the scary part of growing up emotionally is that I didnt know I hadnt up until recently. The unknown of what I am missing or have missed out on or maybe have learned but dont remember or just not knowing where I am going to land at the end of this path I am on. My emotions are all over the place I feel scared because I have lost control over keeping them in check....to some degree at least.
Fear I guess of what I am going to uncover. ??? I dont know for sure sorry, it is just a feeling.
Thanks for writing again....you are very kind to respond to these threads.....thanks

[opheliasorrow]

Sunny these things do take time honey. Some days we can cope with the grown up stuff, other days it would be nice to have no responsibilities and do silly things, or even just sleep (which is what I do when overwhelmed sometimes).

You are doing great, don't forget survivors are strong ... we have to be even though we don't feel like it. Don't make things hard on you, be kind to yourself and remember the flashbacks/dreams can't physically hurt you now. Take care, keep reaching out here too ... Kerry xx

[phoenix7]

the part of us that is small has to speak and be listened to and grow - you are doing all of this congratulations

its a hard road but well worth the stones in our shoes

[SUNNY2009]

Thank you pheonix

Originally Posted by phoenix7

the part of us that is small has to speak and be listened to and grow - you are doing all of this congratulations

its a hard road but well worth the stones in our shoes

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

The unknown of what I am missing or have missed out on or maybe have learned but dont remember or just not knowing where I am going to land at the end of this path I am on.

My emotions are all over the place I feel scared because I have lost control over keeping them in check....to some degree at least.

Fear I guess of what I am going to uncover.

Ugh, that fear of the unknown! It sucks! This can be worked through. I used to be afraid like this a lot and after doing a lot of healing I no longer have that fear.

Controlling emotions, that's a tough one. In therapy you will unload these, work them out, then let them pass then you won't have a bundle to control. It felt great to get rid of the collection that I had accumulated.

[lynn09]

Sorry you're having a tough go of it (((((SUNNY))))). Speaking from my own personal experience, I realized that it was that emotional child within who was afraid and overwhelmed at having to deal with adult matters. Being a certain chronological age meant handling things as an emotional adult, but I wasn't in so many ways, and it was my emotional child who felt inadequate and unprepared for such things. It does take time, SUNNY, but with work and support from good people, that emotional child can mature and catch up to the chronologically adult you. The most important thing I had to learn was how to make the emotional child feel "safe" during the process - had to learn how to provide that child with the protection she never received from those who were supposed to protect her, but used their power to abuse her instead. You have to help that emotional child understand that she now has the power to protect herself and doesn't have to be afraid anymore - and we'll all be here to help support you and make you both feel safe in the process.

The unknowns of life can be pretty scary, but with such a great support group as PC, it's easier to bare. I always feel better leaning on the group's shoulder.

[skeksi]

Sunny, you put it into words so well, that sense of being frozen in a bubble. I feel that disconnect between being an adult and feeling a child, too.

[SUNNY2009]

Oh thank you linda ... and everybody .....I appreciate your responses ...
I am thankful to have people who care ... here ... on PC .... It is good

with work and support from good people, that emotional child can mature and catch up to the chronologically adult you.

This is a good way to put it, catching up with the rest of me. I just wish I knew exactly how to do that....I do have a good T and have made friends here on PC which is good.

The most important thing I had to learn was how to make the emotional child feel "safe" during the process -

I feel like the big me is who is scared..... I dont know her so much (yet) my little person ... I look at pics and am only just remembering me/her ... I saw pics I never seen before and I am suprised.... actually I am trying to relate her to who I thought I was when I was little ..... the pics with smiles .... they are shocking, because I dont remember so much happiness ... so much innocense and whenI see the difference from one age to another I feel like that is it.... that is the age...that is the difference from and innocent mind to the mind that has been introduced to deceit ......

had to learn how to provide that child with the protection she never received from those who were supposed to protect her,

I still have a tough time wrapping my head around this. The question was asked, "where was your mom? why didnt she notice? why didnt she see the signs?"
I need to know, what are the signs that I would have had,, I want to remember what I felt like as a child when the sa was taking on a life...I want to know who I was in my head and how I coped....up until now it is not clear..... some of it I see - like a bubble (a world in my head where I hid) but I want to see the outer person little me was.....

but used their power to abuse her instead.

This too is difficult....I am starting to understand how much responsibility is on them both ....they both abused their power and it upsets me...... I think because it is a choice on what we do as adults and so if they did not control themselves, and they hurt.... then they must have made a choice ....yes? no?
but then I have to understand how a person can make such a choice??

You have to help that emotional child understand that she now has the power to protect herself and doesn't have to be afraid anymore

I feel so far away from this because I still got to know her ....how she/i was when I was that age and remember more .... I want to remember more!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Sunny, I think that a lot of the protecting that inner child is protecting her today, right now. To do this, being aware and being in the moment is important. If she feels scared right now you help her feel safe right now. Referring to your other thread where you talk about your overwhelming anxiety, this anxiety is what keeps us from living in the moment. When you are so anxious it is much better to live in the past, the future or a fantasy world because the present is just too overwhelming.

To emotionally mature you have to figure out what your issues are first and then work on them/problem solve. It is like doing the development that should have been done then and doing it now.

Many moms who don't protect their children from sa were abused themselves. For them to protect their children they would have to come to terms with their own abuse and they have not. They continue to deny their issues so they deny their children's issues too.

Your dad was most likely abused also. People who abuse are very wounded people who are making very poor choices.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sunny, I think that a lot of the protecting that inner child is protecting her today, right now. To do this, being aware and being in the moment is important. If she feels scared right now you help her feel safe right now. Referring to your other thread where you talk about your overwhelming anxiety, this anxiety is what keeps us from living in the moment. When you are so anxious it is much better to live in the past, the future or a fantasy world because the present is just too overwhelming.

To emotionally mature you have to figure out what your issues are first and then work on them/problem solve. It is like doing the development that should have been done then and doing it now.

Many moms who don't protect their children from sa were abused themselves. For them to protect their children they would have to come to terms with their own abuse and they have not. They continue to deny their issues so they deny their children's issues too.

Your dad was most likely abused also. People who abuse are very wounded people who are making very poor choices.

Thanks, (((((Sannah))))) - This is right on the money ((((((Sunny)))))) - I could not have explained the concept and process I was talking about better or more concisely myself! (Everyone already knows that I rarely explain anything concisely! ). Sunny, I really like how Sannah put it: "...anxiety is what keeps us from living in the moment" - this would also prevent us from making the emotional child feel safe in the moment.

Raising your emotional child into a mature emotional adult is a process - there's no way to map out the exact steps that you are going to have to take beforehand - it's the process of self-discovery and self-determination that was never allowed to occur naturally - so each issue identified and resolved helps to identify other issues and the necessary next steps.

I'm so glad that you have an appropriate mental health team to assist you in this process - it is hard, but worthwhile work. And I'm so glad that there are so many caring and knowledgable people here at PC to help along the way.

[billieJ]

Originally Posted by SUNNY2009

I am so overwhelmed with life
you say to live
but I dont know how
my body is 40
but my mind is a child
I am knotted up inside
unable
to walk through the door
into the world
I sit for hours
stuck
thinking
frustrated
what do I do
looking around I see the tasks
but still I am unable to move
I want to live in the bubble
but I cant remember my way
somehow I am lost in a world I am unsure how survive
my son is growing
he needs my guidance
but I am lost
how can I show him the way
when I too am lost like a child
scared
alone
barely able to take a step
I am crying inside
The need for my fake world
to protect me and sheild me
responsibilty is keeping me
from closing my eyes
Im grown up now
no choice
still feel lost like a child

Sunny, Bless You for describing my own feelings so completely in your song. You have a great gift of expression through the written word. I am so sorry that you have these feelings, and I so admire the fact that you send me Garfield cartoons in the midst of such feelings of immobility and bereavement. You are such a blessing to me and the others here. Please know that I am hurting with and for you. May healing be yours. billieJ

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lynn09

Sorry you're having a tough go of it (((((SUNNY))))). Speaking from my own personal experience, I realized that it was that emotional child within who was afraid and overwhelmed at having to deal with adult matters. Being a certain chronological age meant handling things as an emotional adult, but I wasn't in so many ways, and it was my emotional child who felt inadequate and unprepared for such things. It does take time, SUNNY, but with work and support from good people, that emotional child can mature and catch up to the chronologically adult you. The most important thing I had to learn was how to make the emotional child feel "safe" during the process - had to learn how to provide that child with the protection she never received from those who were supposed to protect her, but used their power to abuse her instead. You have to help that emotional child understand that she now has the power to protect herself and doesn't have to be afraid anymore - and we'll all be here to help support you and make you both feel safe in the process.

Lynn, yesterday I was going to pull up this post and say what a great post that it was but I didn't and I just thanked you. This is an excellent post!

Originally Posted by lynn09

Raising your emotional child into a mature emotional adult is a process - there's no way to map out the exact steps that you are going to have to take beforehand - it's the process of self-discovery and self-determination that was never allowed to occur naturally - so each issue identified and resolved helps to identify other issues and the necessary next steps.

And so is this one!