[Tamster]

Hi, I am having difficulty letting go of feelings of responsibility I have about being raped by my psychiatrist in 1989. He is dead now but I still feel like I have to protect him and myself from the terrible truth. It was violent and frightening. I had known him for 5 yrs. before it happened, I just wanted it to go away. I am still embarrassed today. There was so much he did, I can't let it go.

[Open Eyes]

Oh (((Tamster))), I am so sorry that happened to you. Well, ofcourse you would have troubled feelings about that, he was supposed to be a professional, an authority on helping you, and he failed and abused his position and victimized you.

Oh dear, what you are feeling is normal to many that have this experience, but this was not your fault and you do not have to protect anything. What you are really doing is protecting how vulnerable you were and that is all, that is very normal.

This feeling of not being able to let go is telling you that you need to resolve this and that is all. As Human beings we are designed to have these strong feelings, we have to be like that to survive. Our brains are designed to problem solve, it really is how we have survived as a species.

We tend to think of preditors as people on street corners that are creepy looking but these preditors put themselve in places all through society where they can gain access to victims. They are very good at convincing a victim to feel like they need to protect them and the victim is the one at fault somehow. This was not at all your fault and THIS PREDITOR DOES NOT NEED TO BE PROTECTED.

Listen to what your mind and emotions are really saying, you need to get this resolved so you can finally free yourself of this and move on with your life, and you CAN do this, you DESERVE TO HEAL AND MOVE ON.

Many think this guilt and torment means that they failed somehow, it doesn't mean that AT ALL. All these emotions are there to force us to find resolve, REALLY. You are truely not guilty of ANYTHING, you were simply a victim.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not you need to find one that can help you with this.
I recommend a trama specialist that can walk you through the process of healing. I am doing that myself and believe me, it gets so much better. You are not alone you know and there really IS help.

Welcome to PC, we are here to support you, let you know you are not alone and listen to you. In this forum are many others that are working through their abuse as well, so you will have lots of support here.

Keep coming and sharing, don't be afraid to just talk and ask questions.

(((Hugs))))

We are not therapists, but we share what we learn in our recovery and we all encourage you to get help and know you do deserve that. It does get better.

Open Eyes

[Tamster]

Open eyes,
Thanks for the kind words. I am seeing two docs and they are great help although I'm sometimes not the best patient. I'm having such flashbacks and terrible hallucinations sometimes, I really hate feeling so empty yet full of fright.

[AngelWolf3]

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. Open Eyes said exactly what I was thinking, so I will just second what was said. I am sending healing thoughts your way, and welcome you here. This is a great forum to just let out what you are feeling. I hope soon you will not feel that you need to protect the past, but I know that is easier said than done!

[Open Eyes]

((Tamster))),

I went through that myself, I am sorry because I know that it is very challenging and confusing. All last year I struggled with that, but you have to face it and TALK it all out. Remember Tamster, this experience is not ALL of WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON. You HAVE done other things in your life, you HAVE the ability to do other parts of your life besides this intrusion.

What helped me is I came here a lot and I got to know the other members and posted supportive advice and thoughts in other threads. I didn't just spend all my time on me and the PTSD. And I know that it isn't easy because it is there constantly. I just found that while I WAS in therapy and addressing it, I also gave myself time to think about other things.

Tamster, there are things about you that are good and you need to be reminded of that. And the good in you is still there. It is important that you establish a safe place for yourself. If you have a close family member that is around you a lot and cares I strongly recommend that that person visit your therapist and learn how to support you because the average person truely doesn't understand PTSD and they DO say the wrong things and they just don't know better.

It takes time, but after a while you will learn to pay attention to your emotions that come with this and you will also need to pay attention to all the triggers that present you with anger, being snappy, being very anxious, feeling shame, fear, self doubt, and there are times where you wonder why you can't seem to just get past it, or are you making too much of it somehow. Please know that all of this is normal, and it does get better with time and if you allow yourself to keep working at it, keep addressing it and allowing yourself to be told constantly that everything you are feeling is normal, what others feel who are going through this as well. It DOES get better Tamster.

The reality is that you are NOT weak or unworthy or guilty or responsible, you really are not any of those things, but you will feel that way from time to time, "NORMAL TO RECOVERY WORK". One of the things that I constantly uttered is "I am sorry", "I don't understand this", "I am trying but it is exhausting", "Why wont this go away","I don't know what else to do".

I spent a lot of time reading about the disorder too, and I got so I could identify that everything I felt was part of it. But the important thing to remember is that with therapy, it DOES TAKE TIME, but IT DOES GET BETTER. What you are discribing about the flashbacks and hallucinations? Yes, I went through that myself and it really confused me too. But that will slowly subside and you need to work on not feeding into the PTSD flashbacks and other symptoms and making it worse. You will notice how you do that after a while and that you CAN choose to let whatever comes forward run its course and not feed into it. For me, I was just so taken by the loss of control and that I experienced these flashbacks that it frightened me, and I wondered if I was crazy or something. No, you are not crazy, you have PTSD and you CAN work through this and get these intrusions under control.

Now, Tamster, from what you have discribed in your first post is that you knew this man for 5 years. And what he did was slowly establish a relationship with you were there were times where you felt his approval as well as that he WANTED to help you as well. We all can fall victim very easily when people give us the right kind of messages and preditors know this very well. And I am sure there was a part of you that wanted him to like you as well, also very common. When anyone give us attention and presents to us that they feel we are somehow worthy of that, we can become captive of that and begin to believe them and even desire to get closer to them. There are also many patients that experience transference where they begin to feel they are more than a patient and even have romantic feelings towards their therapists/psychiatrists. And I am sure there are instances where the therapist/psychiatrists take advantage of that and then become preditors. And that would leave their victims feeling exactly how you are feeling right now. This is NEVER the patients fault either, but they feel like it is somehow and just like you they feel like they need to protect something too.

Ofcourse you are embarrassed, who wouldn't be? Remember something, you are not alone at all, this really happens to many people and many conceal it for a long time until they can't seem to anymore and they just want to resolve it somehow, that is normal too.

Example, I went to a dentist that specialized in gum disease and I had to have a deep scaling and learn how to take better care of my teeth and gums. I was pretty young then. This dentist was very complimentary to me and told me how attractive I was as well. He was married and had 5 children so I felt safe with him. One day he asked me to go into his office to talk with him. I thought he was going to discuss my gums and teeth. He closed the door and didn't talk to me, he attacked me and I don't know how I got out of that office, I ran out of there as fast as I could and went straight home and told my father. We didn't pay any of his charges and I told my regular dentist never to send young women to see that dentist, everyone was shocked this carasmatic man who was married with 5 children would do that.

What helped me a lot is when my therapist told me the percentage of women who experience things like this is. And then he said, thousands of women, and maybe more because many women are so embarrassed like you that they don't speak up and report it. They feel very confused just like you.

So, it is important to make sure that YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF, ARE KIND TO YOURSELF AND JUST ADDRESS ALL THESE FEELINGS, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE. Make a decision right now that there is going to be a part of you that will be strong and willing to stand up and attack this as a student and kind of an inner parent that will be there above all else that reminds you of all the things I have discussed here.

You can get through this, REALLY. Please keep coming as you need to and just talk about how you feel, because you need to be reminded YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND DESERVE TO HEAL AND CAN WORK THROUGH THIS.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Tamster]

Open eyes,
Wow do you really know how I feel! You said it all. Shame, guilt, weakness, unworthiness, stupidity. He locked us in a big room on an unoccupied floor of the hospital, I was so trapped and alone. He did everything he could to me, including sodomy. He beat me until I threw up then made me eat it off the floor. He had so much power over me. I had been on the psych unit for 9 weeks and saw him everyday, I should have seen it coming and in hindsight I do. I feel so responsible. So alone. He sent me to an eating disorders center the next day and I lied to the doctor there about the bruises, I said I threw myself down the stairwell at the hospital. There was so much blood after the rape, he cleaned it with bleach, something I get uptight about smelling now. I can still smell it at times now, also I can smell him too. Flashbacks all the time, hallucinations often and I'm getting used to them.

[Tamster]

Open eyes,
Wow do you really know how I feel! You said it all. Shame, guilt, weakness, unworthiness, stupidity. He locked us in a big room on an unoccupied floor of the hospital, I was so trapped and alone. He did everything he could to me, including sodomy. He beat me until I threw up then made me eat it off the floor. He had so much power over me. I had been on the psych unit for 9 weeks and saw him everyday, I should have seen it coming and in hindsight I do. I feel so responsible. So alone. He sent me to an eating disorders center the next day and I lied to the doctor there about the bruises, I said I threw myself down the stairwell at the hospital. There was so much blood after the rape, he cleaned it with bleach, something I get uptight about smelling now. I can still smell it at times now, also I can smell him too. Flashbacks all the time, hallucinations often and I'm getting used to them.

[Open Eyes]

(((Tamster))),

I know the disorder really well, I have been working very hard at it myself. And I know how really hard it is to work through all these hauntings I have them as well.

What you are discribing here is a man who really knew how to pick and control his victims. He knew what he could get away with and that you would be frightened.
You did not have that ability to fight back, you WERE a victim, the typical victim and he knew exactly how to abuse you so you would cover for him.

Remember you are looking back with hindsight, but when you experienced it you really didn't have that ability. That is something we all forget while we are addressing abuse/trama like this. You really have to work on NOT SELF BLAMING. Please make sure you are very kind to yourself, you really deserve that and you also deserve to work through this with your therapists and heal. I know it seems like you are stuck, but you will progress and it IS up and down for a while, but you will progress.

I am very sorry you experienced this, you deserve a lot of support.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Tamster]

Open Eyes,
I don't think I addressed this with you but my rapest was my psychiatrist in 1989. It haunts me all the time. My drs know about it and are the best at helping me.

[Nammu]

(((Tamster))) When someone has that much power and is supposed to be helping you and you are in a position from which you can not escape it is especially traumatizing. I'm glad you have two other pdoc's now who are helping you. He was supposed to help you and he violated that trust, it is confusing when that happens because it feels as if we "should" have known better than to trust them. Inside we blame ourselves, for allowing that to happen, for being vulnerable, so we "protect those who did the abuse although the reality is that we did nothing wrong.

They were in a position that any normal person was supposed to be able to trust them. What they did defies the norms of our society and we need to try and make thing right in the Topsy tipsy place that the world has become. In trying to make things right in the world we tend to blame our selfs instead of that kind of person. Because if that can happen there are so many things wrong with the world that allowed that to happen and it is hard to think of imagine and realize them all, because other people did have to know something was going on and they turned the other way and let it contine on. So hard to accept that in America even now there can be hospitals where you are supposed to get help but instead get abused even more.Yet it still happens because of those that turn away and do not speak up.

Quite normal to be confused and mixed up, sad, shamed, angry, vulnerable, unable to sleep, unable to trust, and to feel responsible for all of it. Smells are the most common trigger so it is not surprising that bleach brings back memories. I hope you were able or are able to do some kind of legal action where this happened. That is often one of the most healing actions a person can do.

All the best in your recovery, I know many have told you but you probably need to hear it many, many more times-you were not responsible, nothing you did caused his actions, you did nothing wrong.

Wow Tamster, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Enduring such brutal abuse and yet being able to talk about it and admit you feelings on the matter is very powerful. I can do neither. I had never in my life been able to talk about the sexual abuse I have encoutered, not even with my current psychologist who I get along so well, or my family or my boyfriend who I adore to pieces.

Those words well, can't come out of me for whatever reason.

At this point I have yet to be able to open up about many things, even in a forum like this or any community I've been part of, I feel shame and hate towards myself.

I think regadless of wishing to let go of those memories, you should stop for a minute and appreciating what a remarkable human being you are that after all of it you stand and do something about it. I am getting help but for years that hasn't helped the fact that I need to get it out and I can't. Hope to get to that point one day.

[Tamster]

Sidestepper,
You said all the things I feel, the shame, responsibility, I should have seen it coming. For 9 long weeks we had gone to that room and talked for long stretches, we had watched sports in there. He had payed special attention to my needs, he broke me down. I was so weak and I was blindsided. But I am smarter than that and should have known. He is dead now in the literal sense and I know that but letting go of his ghost has been difficult. He's still here. I hate him?

[Nammu]

You are a very smart person. It is OK that you hate him, if you feel differently today or tomorrow thats OK too, what ever you feel is ok..

1982 is right you are a very strong person.