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#1
May 14, 2012, 01:14 PM
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It just feels like my life is going nowhere.....and nothing really matters. I mean I feel like even if I could hold a part time job I'd still have that same dead feeling inside. Like I feel like I'd still be in the same pain so what good would it do. Then of course I am just worried about how my ptsd and other issues would interfere with my ability to hold even a part time job.
I mean is it so wrong if I just want to cope with the fact I have PTSD and deal with that instead of trying to push myself to over-come it. I mean I've never had it 'easy.' I've always tried so hard not to let things get to me I mean that's why instead of dealing with the PTSD when I should have I thought i could run away to college and distract myself with my studies and thus push it far enough inside it wouldn't effect me. And by that sort of thing I've burnt myself out so yeah I just don't even see what there is to improve. I mean even if I recovered from the PTSD I'd still be depresessed and anxious like I have been ever since I can remember. So anyways I am thinking of applying for SSI.....not sure what I'll live on till I get approved, if I got approved but usually it takes months to get denied, then months to appeal then months for it to go through. At least I have my moms house and friends/family members places I am welcome to go and have access to food that's either offered or at my moms house just sucks being flat broke and feeling like a burden who has to rely on people for my basic needs. I am hoping if I can get the SSI then having a bit of money to contribute I might not feel as bad since I could at least kind of pay my way. Just feeling really burnt out and it takes a lot of energy just trying to convince myself I'm not totally worthless even though for now all I feel I can hope for is getting on SSI and maybe a part time job a little further down the road. Or I guess there is always homelessness. |
 Anonymous32470, Anonymous33145, Nammu, Open Eyes, Puffyprue, RainbowRoad
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#2
May 14, 2012, 11:02 PM
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Why can't I ever explain this to anyone....no one ever knows what to say. I just feel like no one understands and I have nowhere to go.
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| Open Eyes
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#3
May 15, 2012, 08:40 AM
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((((Hellion)))),
I hear you Hellion, and YES, it is very difficult to manage life AND try to recover from PTSD. I get angry myself as I hear of lots of people who try very hard inspite of struggling with PTSD. I have been working too along with struggling with PTSD and as you may know I am even struggling with a lawsuite that has been allowed to go on and on as well. I really get angry that I am asked to do so much while I am truely struggling. I feel like I want to scream out how very real this disorder is and people who are struggling NEED HELP AND TIME TO REALLY HEAL. I really try to be thankful that there is a recognition of PTSD now, I can't imagine what it was like for so many people before the awareness of what PTSD is came about. People went unheard and denied and were even branded as weak or crazy or selfish for so long, how awful. But I know we still have much more awareness to be put out in society that truely caters to the people who suffer PTSD to have a chance to truely recover. No one wants PTSD, it feels like a prison and it is very lonely too. I know that it has a way of disturbing normal goals and desires to continue to achieve and thrive. I struggle with that myself and I really try to be patient with myself inspite of the way my own family lacks the understanding of my struggle. I hear things all the time that say "JUST GET OVER IT AND DEAL" and it only makes me feel like a failure as I continue to try and yet struggle. Hellion, I am so sorry that you are struggling, I am sorry for anyone who is struggling with PTSD and courageously trying to deal with it and keep going. Just know that there IS studies being done on it even now and more awareness is taking place. I wish I was younger, I would go back to school and get whatever I need to spend my life helping others overcome this disorder as well as make it a requirement that families be educated on HOW to support their family members that do really suffer. In my opinion no one should suffer alone, there should be NO SHAME when someone needs to say, I HAVE PTSD. It doesn't mean someone is crazy, it means someone has been hurt and needs time and support to help them heal. It is very hard to work on recovering from PTSD when people who struggle with it are constantly misunderstood and denied and even invalidated. But we are getting close and can now actually see there is a pathology that shows there are things within the brain that are effected. So we are edging closer to slowly establishing more awareness about it. Keep coming here for support Hellion and I hope you find your way to keep trying to get the help you need, which should be at the very least therapy. Hellion, don't give up, yes it is a challenge but you CAN grow stronger in time with patience. ((((Hugs))))) Open Eyes |
 RainbowRoad
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#4
May 15, 2012, 09:28 AM
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Well I see your point and your right about a lot of it, and I suppose I am glad there is some knowledge about PTSD out there. but what I'm saying is I am too exausted and burnt out...I don't have any energy to recover from the PTSD with so I just want to cope with the symptoms but I am in no place mentally to try and push myself to recover from it......I can't deal with the frustration of failing at that.
and I guess I just don't see what is so great on trying to get on SSI...even that's got stigma attached to it because what tax payers want to pay for some 22 year olds disability check? But that is the only thing other then talking to someone to try and be diagnosed or whatever I can think to try and if that does not work I just don't know what to do. I know I have some people who care and can understand somewhat but I feel so bad being the broke friend/family member who never has money to contribute. Also though I've gone to therapy.....and I can't see what good it does, I mean I don't see how a therapist can fix any of this. I mean its not just PTSD i have to struggle with I've been depressed and excessively anxious ever since I was a child not to mention I was singled out and bullied a lot even by teachers when I was going to school so any self confidence I might have been born with was shattered and I never had a chance to build any back up....there may have been a chance if I didn't have PTSD but that really screwed things up even more. I was in therapy for depression and a suicide attempt before I got PTSD being told things like 'it gets better.' and just their advice to help me cope and slowly start recovering. Well things didn't get better and I can't take it seriously when people tell me that because my experiance has been the opposite. I hate that though because then people just berate me for being so negative and accuse me of being too lazy to try. Anyways sorry to be such a downer...I just am pretty stressed since I have to really try to get on SSI and dealing with legal stuff like that stresses me out so I am worried about having to appeal I mean I am not very good at convincing people looking for every reason to deny me that they should in fact help me. Then I could go through that all and still get denied.....and I just don't know. Also I hope its not too late to defer my college loans.....I am supposed to call and defer it but calling those things makes me anxious but I guess i have to try. But if its too late I can expect to have some collection agency on my back I suppose which will do wonders for my paranoia, anxiety and stress level. |
| Open Eyes, RainbowRoad
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#5
May 15, 2012, 10:23 AM
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Well Hellion, I can understand your struggle, and I know what you mean about being told that it will get better when all the while it is getting worse, that was my year last year, so I hear you. I don't even know how I managed last year to be honest because even though I was trying so hard, my symptoms were the devil to deal with and so incredibly crippling. And I did not have the real understanding that I needed from family members either, it was very hard on me. I think PC saved my life as there were people here that supported me in different ways. Some people didn't even know how important they were to me being able to just get through my days. Many of my days were spent pounding away here, not really talking about my personal struggle, I spent a lot of time answering questions and reading and commenting on different things put up by some members. I found that I needed to just process and I did utilize things I had learned how to do while I struggled pretty much all my life.
Later on, when I spoke to a woman who's job is to go around the country and direct different facilities with trama work, I was told that what I was doing was very good for my brain. All day long I was tormented by horrible anxiety and off and on flashbacks with terrible headaches and I was incredibly lonely as I mentioned my family truely didn't understand how bad it really was and my husband would even comment that he was tired of it. I found myself constantly appologizing and also very thankful that my husband worked two jobs so that he was not around me constantly to observe how crippled I really was. And when he WAS around he triggered me constantly by all his negetive remarks and often it would take days for me to recover from when he was around. I had a constant desire to JUST GET A TIME OUT OR A BREAK SOMEHOW, but I never truely got it, I was actually dealing with an attorney who was constantly messing up scheduled depositions and it was a constant demand to remember something my brain was trying so very hard to forget. I was being asked to stay in a trama that I really needed to be done with, to move on and truely say, it is over and in my past. I was not making it when it came to paying on the debt owed to address the damaged animals, and to try to come up with funds for therapy as well as feed for my remaining animals. And I tried to reach out to my mother for some financial help and my sister would call and go on and on about "THINGS CANT BE ABOUT ME AND MY PROBLEMS AND THAT "SHE" CONTROLLED MY MOTHER'S FUNDS". And then my father made it a point to come and see me and give me a long lecture on HOW I HAD TO LEARN TO FORGET AND PUT THINGS IN THE PAST. He talked about a box with eyes and another box with no eyes and how I had to learn how to put bad things in the box with no eyes. He didn't understand that with the PTSD that was going on in my brain, IT DOESN'T WORK. And yes, I would drag myself to therapy, often completely exhausted by the time I sat in front of the therapist. And yes, I heard how I would get over it and things would get better and sometimes I wished that the therapist could experience what I was dealing with, what it felt like to struggle with PTSD. Yes, he had all the reading, and study behind him, but the reality was HE HAD NEVER FELT IT HIMSELF. I was on quite a hell ride last year and not being understood presented me with hellish flashbacks and horrible headaches and complete exhaustion. But I still had to get up and care for my horses and do my best to hang onto what I had left that was my lifes work in so many ways. And there were many days where I would lose track of time too. I would sit at the computer and 3 or 4 hours would pass when I thought it was only maybe a half hour? Wow that scared me too. And to top it off, a pony that got so upset from running around frightened by the dog had coliced (that is digestive upset which can be fatal for a horse/pony) and never really recovered. Last year she got sick again as she had done quite a few times after the major colic (she had damage to her system) and after 9 days of tending to her day and night, I had to finally euthanize her. So again, the damage was still not over. I see the damage EVERY SINGLE DAY which keeps me IN THE TRAMA that I want so badly to be OVER. I hear you Hellion, yes I do know it gets worse too, but I kept going to therapy just the same and I am doing better this year than I was last year. I cannot say I am healed as I still stuggle and I am STILL DEALING WITH DAMAGE, BILLS, A LAWSUIT AND FAMILY THAT ARE ACTUALLY MEAN TO ME in their ignorance of what it means to struggle with PTSD. BUT, I have gained some ground so I DO know that while it is a lot of work, one can GET STRONGER and DO BETTER. I hope you get the help you need. At least know that there are others that DO understand the struggle and can say, keep trying, I hope you get what you need, please have patience and keep trying. ((((hugs)))) Open Eyes |
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#6
May 15, 2012, 10:50 AM
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Yeah I'm still doing my best not to totally lose it...and not to totally isolate myself(even though I feel like it would be better for everyone if I did, so they don't have to deal with me.) But other then that its like there's nothing there...I mean I spend time with friends and family and though I might be interacting and contributing to the conversation or whatever I just feel numb and dead inside.....but yeah I don't think it would have been appropriate to respond to 'so how are you?' with something like 'dead and numb feeling, in fact I think I'm going to have a beer so I'm a little more friendly and calm.' At Mother's Day lunch at my moms house. I did have a couple beers and a little wine but everyone else did for the most part to so it wasn't out of place and thus I did not have to explain why I was drinking it.
Also for the time being I think I would rather focus on diagnoses and SSI than therapy, I mean therapy can be nice I guess but for one, one has to afford it or find someone that doesn't charge a fee for people with no money but then getting to a therapy session every week would be another issue...due to not having money for the bus and maybe not being able to schedule a ride from someone. And I can't really think of anything i would want to talk to with a therapist about that I wouldn't prefer talking about to a close friend or family member. A diagnoses would be very helpful though because maybe it would help with finding more resources and it would help with the SSI thing. I suppose I just find it depressing that I'm 22 and my goal is get on SSI in the hopes that maybe I can live on that for a wile and have some time to actually try and figure out some sort of plan of what to do in life. Also I just don't know how a lot of people in my family are going to take that knowledge as I am sure I'm going to have to give some sort of explanation as to if I am still looking for work, going back to college, going to a technical school, or have a job. So that's kinda stressful to as I don't really do a very good job of standing up to judgements people might make about me. |
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#7
May 15, 2012, 10:34 PM
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It is insane how much of that makes so much sense to me, it's like you wrote down my toughts. Scary. I can tell you one about the job part. Right now I'm rightfully employed and struggling BAD with my PTSD and my job. It's sort of a horrible place as it is, but with my condition it's like I'm torturing myself on daily basis to the point my health is taking a bad toll. I've been on it for almost 3 years and I tell you that I feel just like you just explaned going on SSI, such a hassle, such stress and I can't understand for the life of me what's the point of busting my *** off when all that matters is the paycheck for all the bills and I'm short with all of it. The frustration goes beyond words to me. I don't care what my family thinks at this point because I've been on both sides of it, and it doesn't make it any better that you would go this route and try to please everyone else with a job you hate, on top of it all, in a hateful and horrible place that will accentuate your PTSD. I had a point somewhere, sorry I feel like I can't even concentrate well at all anymore. All I wanted to get through is that, when your PTSD is bad I guess it sucks either way. And therapy only works if you want it to work, I've been in and out of it but fact is, it's hard for me to realize any progress when I move forward one step then I feel all suicidal in a second because of - whatever triggered me - and then it's like back to square one. Do what doesn't hurt you. If you can't handle a job for right now then just don't. The oucome of forcing yourself (I did) is far much worse in my humble and truly biased opinion. |
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#8
May 16, 2012, 03:16 PM
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Hellion- my heart goes out to you. there is an expert in the treatment of trauma. and he makes his home in colorado. He wrote a book on Healing trauma. It's called
waking the tiger. -- by: Dr. Peter LeVine --I don't mean to trivialize any of this. I too suffer from a Ptsd dx. i rarely leave my apt. Anyway, i first learned of something called 're-enactment' where the traumas symptoms continually repeat themselves. There is a workbook that comes with the Healing trauma book. Perhaps, working thru and processing the trauma will aid in healing it. I am still working on my symptoms 10 years later, and yes, i think all people do burnout from time to time. I feel it's especially important to take time for "YOU" when you are at your worse. I have also been on SSI disability for quite some time. and i would not recommend this. It has led to feeling worse than relying upon mysyelf. The SSA has what is called a "trial work period" when and if you feel ready to work again. This is only after being on disablity income though. Do whats best for you and trust yourself, and your own judgement. |
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#9
May 16, 2012, 04:34 PM
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#10
May 16, 2012, 04:40 PM
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I found out I can defer my college loans, so if I get SSI I guess it wont all go to that...so that is kind of a relief. But yeah I am trying not to worry about what some of my family members would think about it. I mean its my life not theirs anyways, but still its frustrating when faced with their ignorance. Also I see what your saying about the outcome of forcing yourself being worse then the alternative. I've experienced this with college pushing myself even when I knew the toll it was taking and basically burnt myself out or so it seems. As for therapy....I guess that's kinda true, though I can't say I ever didn't want therapy to work the times I went. I guess it doesn't help when it seems even the therapist doesn't understand. |
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#11
May 16, 2012, 06:07 PM
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Hellion,
I can relate to what you are saying. I didn't have a choice last year. I HAD to try and work as much as I could. I often felt just like what you are discribing too and my big constant desire was to find a way to get the pressure off so I could slow down and try to focus on the PTSD. My year was hell last year and I didn't really have the support I needed either. Although I did find a therapist who worked with me on a sliding scale for a much lower rate. So I dragged myself to therapy every week and there were many times where I felt WORSE and I often wondered if I would just completely lose it. I honestly had very little motivation to do anything, I just either felt tired or I was battling some huge trigger or some kind of flashback or body memory and days on end of anxiety that just would not quit as well. And though I had Klonopin to take to help with anxiety, I often chose not to because that made me tired all the time. I often wondered what it would be like to have all the worry taken off my shoulders so I could just focus on the PTSD. And I was also battling a Lawsuit with several depositions hanging over me, many of them my attorney forgot to inform me of. And then I really feel the opposing attorney got angry, scheduled some and cancelled the last minute just for payback. I wanted so badly to call the opposing side myself to appologize for MY attorney. I just wanted SO BADLY to not have to think about the trama that I needed to forget. My year in therapy was more about hanging in there rather than getting to some of the flashbacks that were presenting from my past due to the added stress. I had a constant whisper of "I need a break". I often wonder if not having all that responsiblity hanging over me, having to work and pay on the debt that was never my fault and trying to do my best to maintain my farm and horses and ponies always presenting such a challenge to me, what would my progress have been if that was not there? Oh I wanted to be released from all of that so badly. And yes, I wondered if the therapy was helping myself because as I say, my PTSD was SO BAD. And I can relate to not even wanting to go out at all as well. However, even though I struggled so much, I did make progress, though it WAS slow. I am not going to lie and say that I am not struggling now, but I will say I am doing much better than last year. I honestly still wish I could not have so much on my shoulders still though. I can say that my therapist turned out to be a good therapist and was very helpful, and so was PC. I think the most helpful thing was when my therapist finally met with my husband and instructed him that I was in serious condition and really needed his support instead of criticism. Therapy only works if you put into it. I spent a lot of time on PC as well as studing all about PTSD, even the pathology of it. I had many discussions with my therapist that were more clynical and informative as well instead of just expecting him to spoon feed me every time I went to him. The truth is a therapist cannot do the work for us, we have to do it, and NO, IT IS NOT EASY. And yes, there are lots and lots of ups and downs. I had so many days where I was pretty much disfuntional and felt extremely guilty about it too. I had more cycles than I could count and prayed for the days were I would actually wake up feeling like the PTSD was gone somehow. I still don't understand why that happened. But most of the time I was in my own private battle and it was VERY HARD ON ME. Thank God I had someplace to go to talk to people who actually know what it is like to struggle with PTSD. Forget family and friends understanding it. Yes, there were times when I got mean too. I hated when my husband used any wordage that included any "just" deal, get over, don't let bother, get up,try, dont let it get to you and the list was endless. Yes, I appologized many times too. But then one day while my husband and I were working and he was picking on everything I did, I got really mean and then afterwards I appologized and began to try to catch myself before I did get mean. There is SO MUCH ANGER with PTSD. At least there was for me BECAUSE NO ONE LISTENED TO ME ON HOW MUCH I WAS STRUGGLING. I hated the disorder and I hated how I could not seem to beat it as well. Yes, it held me prisoner and made me tired, and angry too. I really had to pay attention to it as well as every trigger because I had a lot of triggers. And they all meant something too. It was all connected to my childhood in ways I never really realized. The trama I experienced brought it all out in a way I could never have imagined. Because I was trapped with so much damage and having to remember and continue fighting somehow, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID GROWING UP. I don't know what has caused your PTSD Hellion, but there is a reason and it has to be addressed. The only way to get to the other side of PTSD is through. There are times where I wonder if I had not been triggered all those times in so many different ways if I would have not realized the core issues that I never addressed and instead found ways to somehow adapt in my own ways. The apathy, depression, anger, fear, anxiety and even the confused states where it is hard to even concentrate were all steming from things locked away deep in my mind that I was not aware of consciously. I had to relive them, feel them all over again and wow was it hard, I had to feel that very troubled desperately frightened and confused child all over again to piece it all together. I always felt behind somehow ALL MY LIFE and now I know why. I hope Hellion that you continue to seek therapy eventually. The only real way out of PTSD is getting to the depths of things you may not consciously realize. (((Hugs and wish you luck in catching that break you need))))) Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; May 16, 2012 at 06:25 PM. |
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#12
May 16, 2012, 07:26 PM
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| Open Eyes
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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