I am defeated.

I am totally defeated and see no way to improve my life. There is only one thing that I want and that is to get well. There is no cure for CPTSD. There is no cure for being gay. (Claimed religious cures are totally bogus and the people who claim they are true are lying.) There is no cure for the incessant bullying I have suffered from my entire life beginning with a man hating mother. I feel that I am less than human. I cannot do things like other people. I cannot make friends. I do not seek or enjoy love. I don't like to be touched. I do not know how to have fun. Therapy is torture. I have had a lot of therapy and there has been little improvement because of the way I was programmed in childhood.

The med that was helping my PTSD had too many side-effects. The new med does not appear to be helping and today I am full of rage. Worse - I have to go to a family event tonight. I am dreading it. I want to stay home. I want to be alone all the time. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

All my relatives give the same advice "take care of your mother." As if my life is unimportant. It's all I've heard since childhood. I want to tell them all to go to hell.

Hard to disagree with you that a lot of things "suck". I also think there is a lot wrong in this society: it is not just all you. What would happen if you did not go to this family event? Or, could you go and just be quiet, not participate much, keep your own counsel? The advice of a lot of people comes out of their own inadequacies, I think, not out of any error of yours.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. How long have you been in therapy?

The problem with the family event is that it involves a religious service and I have given up religion. The relatives on this side of the family are nice and I am stuck going because it's a memorial for my late orphaned father's best friend / cousin. In short, I am representing my deceased dad; none of my siblings are going. It's a schlep too.

The bigger problem is my life - I don't have one. I am just sitting around waiting for time to pass while I rage inside. I don't have good skills. At this point in my life, I am not expecting my streak of bad luck and poor skills to improve. I am so full of rage. My T - in my last session - kept trying to focus on my "moods." I was hoping for psychodynamic treatment and not cognitive therapy. Frankly, my moods are better than many members of my family though it's not enough. Without the interpersonal skills to hold a job or have friends, I am just miserable. I feel that I am less than human because of the basic things I have not been able to accomplish. My upbringing was so lacking in the basics of life . . . I have taken myself as far as I can and have not made progress in years. All the bullying and neglect that I've endured has me defeated. People can bully me and, when I try to stand up, I am told that I am wrong and that I should just take it like I am worthless. I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I have been in therapy - on and off - for over 30 years. I have tried many different types including cognitive therapy, psychodynamics, psychotherapy, transactional analysis, Buddhist therapy, co-dependants anonymous, T's with their own eclectic styles, individual therapy, group therapy, retreats and others. I have tried several religions. I am often told to "pretend as if." That didn't work either - I just seem to get depressed from putting on a false face.

I agree with pachyderm about there being alot "wrong" with society. Then when I really think about it and consider human history, well, when has there not been alot wrong with society?

unhappyguy, I can relate to your "bitterness" and how you don't want people giving you advice that is "inconsiderate of you", like "take care of your mother" as if your life has to be "all about duty" somehow.

I think the hardest thing to get rid of with PTSD is "anger". I can understand how you would feel that "therapy" doesn't "help" you because most likely looking back and discussing the pieces you have about yourself that have now been basically thrown on the floor in front of you to sort through only make you "more angry". Yes, I know that well myself.

I am dealing with my daughter right now who is also challenged by this too. She is dealing with alot of emotional challenges resulting for finally breaking away from an eight year relationship and her ex is still connected to her because of a vehicle that is in both their names, but only in her name on the financing. And he is failing to keep up with the payments and it is just a mess. It is too long and involved to get into here, but what I see in her is "alot of anger" and it doesn't seem to matter to her knowing the "whys" either because it doesn't take the "anger away" and I have been challenged with that myself.

Right now I am trying to really think about how I can "help" her with this challenge tbh. I sure don't want her to keep holding onto something that, as you and I know, only eats away at the soul and disrupts the capacity to move on and try to still have a productive life.

What I can say though, is that one day when I was out taking care of one of my crippled animals, which is a constant inconvenience and source of anger for me, I heard my neighbors talking and laughing and I began to want to yell at them, tell them how much damage they did to "my life" because they were so selfish and lazy. I could feel myself swelling up with anger and this time I thought about how I was "choosing" to allow the anger to get to me. I thought about how I was hurting myself by doing that, by allowing it to happen. Then I said to myself, OE, how about not letting yourself do that today, do you think you can see if you can try that? When I did that I thought about how much "anger" upsets my body and how I often don't know what to do about it when I keep feeding into it so I get all pumped up and disabled. So, that day I let go and made a decision to not let "anger" build up in me.

To my surprise, I did pretty well with it and I managed my day much better too. That is when I began to recognize that I can make a choice about deciding that I do not have to respond with anger.

Well, I am not "anger free", I do still struggle, however, I am paying attention and trying to change how much I unknowingly give myself permission to be "angry". I am thinking about the brain and how it "learns" and how, if we do something over and over, the brain tends to get hardwired to a point where we can do something without even thinking about it. I also have recognized that with this PTSD, I can exude anger without consciously deciding to actually be angry. In other words, I have had situations where "anger just popped out of me" before I even had a chance to think about it. I am sure you can relate well to that.

Well, I am going to work on it more, and I know it is going to be a challenge. But, I am going to try much harder to relearn how to consciously make a decision "not to be angry". When I do that I am recognizing what I have unknowingly decided to be "angry about" and how even society has encouraged me to attach anger as a result of certain experiences or how others treat me, even disappoint me, or do things that end up making "my life more challenging in some way". Yeah, I know, not such and easy task. But you know what?, I really want to get better, I really want to have some kind of "control of my life, or how I am affected by things". So, even though it is a challenge, I am going to try it.

I cannot go back or change anything about my past. Yeah, I have had flashbacks and dealt with so much I never dreamed possible. I have looked at it, I have recognized the "ignorance" of others that resulted in me being "very challenged and even victimized", but there is no way I can change any of it. All I can do is see the whys, and how it affected me in ways I didn't know, and finally make a conscious decision to live my life as best as I can from now on. And I know I will always have a PTSD that will make me more sensitive and I am going to be challenged. But, I am going to keep learning and growing and doing my best to manage my emotions in "healthier ways" for "me".

I guess, what I am saying here is that I can say that because things make me angry I will forever be challenged and will forever be an angry woman. Or, I can decide to work on it for myself instead. I can say, oh, that wont work because of all the damage that I stuggled with, that society is constantly going to at times disrespect me. Or, I can decide to finally just think about "not" letting that happen instead. I can realize that my brain "can" learn to do that, just as it learned "how to be angry".

Just some food for thought, how you want to consider it is up to you, your choice. And this post is not invalidating you in anyway either. I know the challenge first hand in my life, it will be different from you, but I know the challenge of anger. And it "is" tiring, so lately I am working on slowly not letting myself "feed into it" and instead, consider that because my brain "can" learn, why not try learning "not to feed into anger", what I have I got to lose? some anger? well that sounds ok to me.

OE

Hey Guy. So what's the worst that could happen if you don't show?

Maybe your t wanting to talk about your mood was psychodynamic. Where is this mood coming from?

I know you're not incompetent. I know you're quite intelligent. Like myself! But I also think our storylines are similar:
1. Family noted we were exceptional.
2. Family noted we were also defective in some way.
3. Family begrudged and denies our exceptIonal traits, does not encourage its expression and development. E.g. if only your brother had your brains, not you.
4. So anything we offer is rejected, leaving us feeling confused and helpless.
5. Solution: pearls before swine. Leave THEIR field of play, via T.
6. Eventually, feelings of competency return. Return to life.

This is what I finally figured out for myself, ie for my storyline. Steps 1-4 are pretty subtle, they don't come right out and SAY it. Except they kinda do.

I think you can go to a religious service honorably without believing in religion (at least not the way most people seem to believe). You can represent your dad, if that is what you choose to do. Or, you could not go! Let people deal with that however they can. A few might understand -- at least you can hope they would!

Well, I made it to the religious service. My cousins were - surprisingly - glad to see me. It was nice to honor the relative who treated my late dad the best. She was always a kind person and her children are just like her. I discussed some of my issues with my cousin's husband who is very level headed. He encouraged me to find a job and to put myself first. I was able to put aside my anti-religious feelings during the ceremony by thinking of my aunt and my dad.

Sadly, when I got home, my PTSD flared up again. I have been reading a self-help book and, while the advice is sound, I am unable to let go because my last two employers - who really increased my PTSD through constant abuse - continue to give me bad references and prevent me from working. And, in addition to having little money, I do not seem to make any progress in my personal life and am very, very bitter about that too. My life does not appeal to me at all. My problems overwhelm me. I don't have the skills to have a love life or friends.

I told my cousins tonight that I need to find a new career - I never found my calling. I don't seem to have one. They assured that it's never too late. I don't know about that. But, for certain, I have to do something else. I have no idea what. I have consulted with professionals about it - to no avail.

I was raised by neglectful parents. There was intentional deprivation and a lack of nuturing. In the past, Ts told me that I had to reparent my self. Finally, with my last T, I told him that it's not possible to parent yourself because I don't have the life experience to do so. And, the disadvantage when you have peers with parental help is great. He agreed. All of my siblings suffered from my emotionally sick and inept parents. The scars are not healing. In fact, they just seem to be growing deeper. The harder I try, the more hurt I get.

I can relate to so much of what you say about bitterness, neglect, and feeling defeated. Not enjoying or having fun, faking it but never making it. I don't know how I go on day after day. And anger. And it is so great to be able to choose not to engage with the anger sometimes, as Open Eyes described.

I'm really sorry you were bullied. That never happened to me, I guess because I was bigger and stronger than most. My husband was bullied, though. It took years of encouragement by me to get beyond it I absolutely hate abusive bosses and work cliques. People!

I have no solutions. But I sympathize/empathize.

Good for you (I think)!

Yeah, it does that. I don't see any way around it but to keep trying, keep learning about it, keep trying to understand what is happening, in a way where you do not judge yourself for "failing". Hard, frustrating, but what is the alternative?

It is good to hear you did go to the service after all, and that you did have some "positive" and "supportive" imput from people there. I like how you can talk about or recognize the little positives that happened in that outing instead of the things you didn't want to experience or didn't connect with somehow.

As far as not knowing what you want out of life, feeling lost and not have an idea of what you want to be or what your niche in life is? That comes with PTSD unhappyguy, that isn't "just you". It is "normal to PTSD sufferers" to feel the bottom of their core dropped out and that there is no fire or sense of direction somehow. It is also normal to PTSD sufferers to feel like their core is very fragmented and lost and that no one will understand it. It is "normal" to hold onto anger about just that too and that is a big reason "why" there is such a strong desire to "withdraw" and "avoid" so much.

I just want you to know that the challenges you are discribing are the "hallmark" challenges that come with PTSD. Yes, it is so hard to explain to others how incredibly "magnified" challenges are with PTSD.

I have alot going on in my family right now and soooo much challenge. I have to admit that I hate the fact that I am facing so much and I am only just beginning to be able to level out some with the PTSD. Any contact with my family tends to bring about the "negetive messages" that are a part of my "core issues" that I have, through therapy and flashbacks etc, become very aware of. Yes, I can really pick out the "negetive messages" that hurt me more than I realized in my past. My older sister is "really hard to talk to" because she was "dismissive" to me many times, and it goes all the way back for me. It took alot of time and "hard work" with therapy and even PC for me to even be able to hear her voice and talk to her. She is four years older than me and it was always "her way or the highway" and "she needs to be the control figure". It is hard to be a woman in my fifties and talk to her feeling like I am a little girl because she is so "condescending" and does treat me like a child still. It is normal for me to talk to her, then have anxiety and PTSD challenges afterwards. So I can relate to how you felt once you got home from that event. I just want you to know that that is typical with PTSD and it isn't "just you".

This "lack of identity" feeling is very predominant with PTSD. And it is normal for people who are struggling to feel like other people just wont understand it, and tbh, they don't. It is also "normal" that when we try to express whatever we do have and experience some kind of negetive feedback, "anger can come in like a flash".

What I posted in my last post is my effort now to "know the PTSD" and how I am slowly working on "observing" myself and slowly giving myself permission to learn how to "not feed into it, or give it control over me".
This is "not" about pretending or putting on a "false face" either. It is very privately working on learning how to give myself permission to recognize the anger and actually "try to disengage it" purposely. And that was the "first time" I even entertained the thought of "acknowledging" the anger I was feeling, recognizing that I do have alot to be angry about, but making a conscious decision to "try" to actually work on "not allowing myself" to entertain it and give myself permission to "feel it and keep feeling it". And, it is "not" about "surpressing it either". I "did" acknowledge it, and I "did" recognize how I was allowing myself to "unknowingly feed into it" too. All I did was agree to "experiment" and see if I could actually choose to make a conscious decision to "let it go" and do my chores without it.

I have to say, that was a beginning for me because "all on my own" I discovered that I could "control it". And I know that if anyone told me that I could do that or that I needed to control my anger, I would have become more angry and felt "invalidated" because the "anger" in PTSD is very strong and it "does" take over. Honestly, if "anyone" suggested anything to me about "you gotta "just" get a handle on it", wow, that would have really made me "mad". And, I would have walked away thinking how disrespectful that person was and that they "just don't get the challenge of PTSD and how hard it really is".

I would not say what I have said here to anyone in my family either. I would not want to hear any kind of "I told you so" because I am far from being able to "have control over it" and "it is alot of work for me still". What I am saying here however, is that I am encouraged that I did manage it, I didn't know if I could do it. I also know that by continuing to "try" to work on this, I don't want any kind of "pressure" because it "is" going to be a challenge for me. I am just very encouraged that I "did" do it, so it gives me alot of hope.

OE

I am in a very, very bad way. All I want to do is to get even with the people who have mistreated me and who are preventing me from working. I want to harm them but can't. All this rage and anger is trapped inside me. I am so emotionally upset and beset with thoughts of revenge that I cannot write to an attorney or to the attorney general's office to properly fight back.

I am hating and hating my life more and more each day. Nothing helps. I have been up all night unable to sleep. My problems are all unresolved. I am unable to accomplish anything. I am unable to let go. Wherever I go, I get harmed. I am damaged beyond repair.

You are damaged beyond what repairs have been tried on you -- not necessarily beyond any repair. There are lots of inadequate repair jobs around -- I should know. I have been subjected to them also. That doesn't mean that there are none that are useful. Maybe you have to do it all by yourself, or at least without the aid of so-called professionals, many of whom do not know a whole lot.