Does it get easier?

Hi

I just got sober a year ago after trying to forget the traumas of childhood. The therapy is so awful. I basically lose my **** every time I talk about my past. I'm sober now so it's even worse because I no longer have that crutch of numbing the memories. My question is do things really get better when you work thru the pain?

Thanks,

Tnt

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

((thickntired)),

First of all I just want to mention I am not a therapist or professional. However, I did look at your profile and I noticed you have PTSD and other diagnoses too. I am curious if you have ever been tested for ADHD? I am just thinking about your effort to get sober, and a lot of people that become addicts are people who struggle with ADHD, I have had to do some of my own research on that because I am married to one for 33 years now. At times one would think he suffers from OCD, or is up and down bipolar, nope, he has ADHD and he definitely has a hard time relaxing/sitting still etc.

As far as really struggling as you finally address the trauma's in your past, yes, that can bring forward a lot of deep emotional challenges and uncomfortable and troubling bouts with anxiety and overall restlessness.

Please honor your sobriety, and I understand that can be a challenge. You "could" go to AA meetings for support, that has been a saving grace for my husband. There are a lot of people that go to these meetings that don't just struggle with the addiction, but have underlying challenges that led them to becoming an addict. So you "can" find different people who are further along that can be very supportive where you get that extra so you don't end up turning to alcohol to numb yourself again, that really is not the answer, and you do know that by now.

Knowledge does empower, alcohol doesn't provide that, so do your best to get support with that. Building up a good support system is key to making progress.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Open Eyes. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I do have adhd and do go to AA. I'm not a huge big book believer, but I have a sponsor and go every week. My husband drinks and smokes ciggs so Gross : /
Thank you for your insight in stating that knowledge is power!!

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

I agree with what Open Eyes says and will add that I think "easier" is a term that YOU need to define for yourself. The first 50 years of my life I could not address or understand the fallout of my early trauma. I think that it does get easier once you understand that there is fallout and learn what tools work for you if you are triggered. Knowledge gives me the strength and tools to use when something happens.

Another aspect that you can look at are the developments that have been made in the last 50 years. I am thankful everyday that there are more resources available today for our children, vets and anyone else that has a trauma in their life. To me this does mean that it does get easier.

((thickntired)),

If you do have ADHD, then that is something people are born with and it is hereditary. The problem with it is that because it runs in families, so does the dysfunction that it can present. It is not that people who have/struggle with ADHD are bad people either, they just have this constant challenge and what has happened is that because there was so little understood about it in the past, the way the people who struggled with it were treated or were challenged often only made it much harder for them.

It could very well be that your husband may have it too, you mentioned that he also drinks and smokes, those are the go to's that many people who struggle use to try to fill that void or inability to just slow down and manage a challenge they do not understand themselves.

My older brother had ADHD and at that time nothing was known about it, children that struggled with it were considered discipline problems and were often constantly punished making it even worse. It is not unusual for a father to also have it too, and the combination of father and son having it often doesn't mesh well and the father can end up doing more harm than good, that was happened in my home growing up.

I honestly didn't know what "binge alcoholism" meant when I married my husband either. My father was the same way, he was very intelligent and functional and drinking on the weekends until the bottle was empty and passing out on the couch in front of the TV was typical. However, my father was often controlling and on the grouchy side during the week. Like my husband, he was hardly ever home, constantly involved with other things leaving my mother alone with three children and a little boy who was such a handful, constantly running away and getting out and my mother was always roaming the neighborhood frantically looking for him.

I am sure that my older brother struggles with PTSD, I do know that he ended up having therapy for a long time. I have not seen him in many years. He didn't use alcohol, he fills his void with food. However, even though he struggled so much, he did manage to do well and his work meant traveling and being in constant motion.

Having ADHD doesn't mean the person is not intelligent either, actually some of them become extremely successful, even wealthy. Many of them are very involved with sports and other things where they can expel the energy that ADHD presents.

When I say "knowledge" can make such a difference, I say that because it isn't just about addressing some things in your past that traumatized you that can lead you to feeling "shame or that you are unworthy in some way". Instead if you can understand "why" some things were so hard for you, then you can grieve them and yet also have a better understanding of how things took place not because it was "evil" in some way, but simply because of how different people just "struggled" not knowing how to manage it or what it really meant.

I grew up with people that struggled with it, and I married a man that had it, and all my life there was always that "unknown, or fear that even with all my effort to try to forgive or support of trust, my husband could destroy whatever I did do that was positive or productive". That is how "all" of my childhood was too.

I did my best to try to understand it all, but it would have been so much better had I had the right information so I could understand it even better. I pretty much raised my daughter on my own, a daughter that had dyslexia, which my husband also has too aside from the ADHD. At one point I sat with a family/marriage counselor that told me that I was married to a man that only had the maturity level of around age 12 or 13, so I basically had "two children" to deal with.

I ended up building up a business that was a very productive way of promoting so many positive things. My intention was to develop a "passion" that provided rewards instead of my husband and daughter turning towards an escape that as you know ends up being terminal as well as a path that only leads to misery and loss. This "ADHD" energy "can" be channeled in a healthy direction. I know this because I produced that way that gave that opportunity to take place.

Unfortunately for me, that was so badly destroyed by a very careless neighbor. It was so much damage and I found my husband overwhelmed and wandering in the woods crying, my daughter was also very overwhelmed and I had no idea how I could possibly fix all that was taken and damaged.

The years of all the stress and all the work that went into what I had managed to create broke me down completely. These living things that all went into this healthy atmosphere were all damaged in so many ways, it was not just "things" it was living things that I loved so much. I ended up in a psych ward and no matter how I tried to explain how bad it was, how much I needed this presence to help me grieve it and figure out what to do about all that was so broken and unfixable, well, that presence was definitely not there, in fact, instead I was misdiagnosed and in a scenario that only made me even worse.

It didn't get any better in outpatient treatment either. Eventually, it got so bad that I began to feel that there would be no way "anyone" would understand the magnitude of what was destroyed and how it all fit together and what it all meant to me. And that wasn't even something my husband and daughter was capable of seeing either.

Luckily, I finally found a therapist who would "listen". I remember telling him that I would be telling him things that he had to believe, because if he didn't, then it would be a waste of time for both of us. In the beginning just as it is with many who suffer with PTSD, especially when it becomes "complex", the patient is always very desperate and tends to have so many things that want to come out all at once. So believe me, I know what you are talking about when you say how "challenging" that is, it is emotionally and physically challenging, and it is also exhausting. And if you are anything like me, you will need someone who can remain "calm" and "listen" and not interrupt you, talk over you, or be a person you are in anyway uncomfortable with that you think may not believe you or misjudge you in some way.

It took me a long time to get it all out, it was not easy at all. Although now that I look back, it would have been easier had I been able to "better identify" the individuals that had abused me better. As I use the word "abuse" I am not sure that's the right way to describe these people tbh, maybe it's just better to say there were several people that themselves struggled and that hurt me and challenged me in many ways in my life. So much so that I became a person that was often "very misunderstood" which often made the ongoing challenge "even more difficult".

When I say "knowledge makes all the difference in the world", it really "does'. Whatever is in your past that somehow "hurt you" doesn't mean you need to be ashamed or even that you need to continue hurting either. Whatever you did was something you did that you felt would somehow "help you deal better", that doesn't mean you are a failure or are doomed either. It is just "time" for you to finally understand it all better, learn what it means, and be allowed to "grieve whatever it was that hurt you with validation", and then work on better ways to slowly manage your life better with a better understanding instead of having to feel you have to hide it all by yourself somehow.

It isn't about being a huge big book believer either. That is only a tool that AA people use, but that is not "all of what AA provides". Part of what AA provides is "others who struggle too, who understand the journey, who support each other and provide a sense of forgiveness and direction, as well as a place to go where you can be with others who understand the challenge and work together to be a support system that works better than being alone with a bottle that only prevents "growth and slowly learning to finally grow into life and live life verses trying to escape it".

If you look at my avatar, underneath it says "one day at a time". Well, I am not or never was an alcoholic, but I have learned from them that it really "is" one day at a time, and doing your best just one day at a time too. Well, I know all about the bad days, I have endured many of them myself. However, if you build a good support system, you will not truly be alone. It takes some effort, but you "can" learn to create a healthier support system. You can come here and vent and talk, you can spend time with your T, go to meetings and keep chipping away at it "one day at a time" and you actually "can" make progress. You actually "can" learn and gain knowledge that will provide you with slowly gaining a sense of empowerment.

(((Big supportive Hugs)))
OE

Hi OE,

I read about the horrible time you had to endure with your loving horses. I can't stand to see any animals in pain and fell apart when I've lost dogs in the past. I'm at the point now where I'm not sure I will be able to get another dog even though I know how much joy an animal can bring to a persons life. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to move past that trauma.

I also believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic. And it is true that you would be dealing with 2 children. We pretty much stop growing and maturing past the point of our first abuse of drugs and alcohol. I go to Alanon sometimes for his drinking. The best piece of advice I got from my AA sponsor regarding my husband's drinking was don't take it personally. Another words he is not drinking because of me or something I did or didn't do; he is drinking because he is sick. And for me to drink "at him" only hurts me and my life. I just had to come to terms with keeping my own side of the street clean. It's funny because I was afraid my husband would leave me because of the pot. So, I went to AA for him, but I stayed for myself. I had a rooommate in college who was dsylexic, and she had to read her work twice but successfuly graduated. I imagine that is a day to day struggle for you as a parent and wife.

My ptsd has caused me to block out parts of my childhood, so I think I will have a hard time grieving what I can't remember. I have read and believe that when ptsd goes untreated it will manifest into other mental illnesses. Like your brother when I became sober I turned to food. I felt that it was ok as a crutch for my first year sober, but now I really want to lose the weight as it makes me depressed. I'll break that down though and tackle it piece by piece as my therapist has mentioned.

Thank you so much again for your replies.

Love & Light,

tnt

I saw my T yesterday and I talked about how much more helpful it would have been for me if I was told about ADHD and alcoholism. My husband is very "busy and intrusive" but he is not a bad person. It was so hard on me and I did try to get help, I look back and it is upsetting to see how badly I was misunderstood and that how much better I would have been able to manage that tremendous challenge had any one of the therapists I had reached out to "just told me what I was really dealing with".

My therapist has a tremendous amount of experience with and understanding of "addicts and alcoholics". He told me that the majority of the people who struggle and go to AA have ADHD or PTSD or both. I took time to read about ADHD the past few months and its like reading all about my husband who struggles with Compulsive ADHD. My therapist has met my husband and even spent time with him trying to help him understand PTSD. My therapist can definitely see the ADHD in him. My husband has been sober for almost 23 years now, but he still expresses the ADHD mannerisms and it's been hard on me to live with him, because of how he is in constant motion, is impatient, interrupts me or talks over me and needs control and is constantly triggering me even when I try so hard not to be triggered.

And example of how challenging it can be is when we go out in the car and I am driving, he calls every stop sign or light, every turn, go faster, slow down to a point where I just want to scream. If I let him drive then he goes too fast gets too close to the car in front of him, and I am a wreck by the time I get to whatever the destination is. He watches everything I do and has to comment constantly on what I am doing wrong, wrong isn't really wrong, wrong means it just isn't how "he" does it. He has too much stuff and clutters every flat surface, blocks passageways and at this point in time, I just gave up trying to keep up after him and having to move all his stuff to try to dust and clean. Yet, oddly enough if he cleans, he does it fast and can do a great job, but it doesn't last because he begins to clutter again. Ugh.

No, when someone struggles with ADHD and they use alcohol to help them "slow down" and "relax and turn off", it has nothing to do with "loving someone else enough to stop". It would have helped me years ago, as I mentioned, if this was all explained to me as I am learning about it now.

OE

Hey, I saw your post. I am sooo very sorry you are suffering or had to at all. I think abusing children is...well, there are really no words to say, I think anyone on these forums can vouch for the result themselves. I can only say I honor your survival and your willingness to fight and believe in yourself, because you have to if you are going to make it. And, yes, you can make it! I can tell you though that yes, it does get better, believe me I'm still here, and it's been a long, strange road I've gone down, but I can say if you stick with it, the therapy, the meds, for however long they are necessary, and sometimes they really are, etc. you can manage.

I am going through one of the worst times of my life, but I've got about 26 years of therapy behind me, good therapy too, yes, it was the kind that rips out your soul and replaces it with a new one, or at least it seems to, but it worked and I am dealing with my life these days med free and therapy free,, (that's not my choice, money is an issue.) I've found ways to give myself solace, look for them in yourself, they will help bolster yourself when times get hard.

Also, from a long road of experience BE GOOD TO YOURSELF! You really deserve it, perhaps moreso than other folks who didn't go through what you did or others like you. These forum sites are good, they help, for me I stay balanced and realize from reading other people's posts I am not alone in the world. There are other people who are they with you, we are an army of like minded souls and we have a right to be free and happy in our lives. Peace to you.

Noelle,

First off thank you so much for your response!! It really means a lot to me. I've also been in therapy for about 20+ years but was also self-medicating at the time. So, this is really the first time and so very RAW.

How awful that you aren't able to ger the Dr and meds you need!!! Have you tried any state or federal assistant programs or disability? If my ssdi didn't go thru I'm not sure what I'd do as my meds were about $1k a month ans the pdoc visit was about $300. Being mentally ill also put me at a high risk and my insurance was aroud $300 a month. It is wrong and makes me so mad.

Thank you for reminding me to be good to myself; it's very hard to do bc I have survivors guilt. My pdoc said for my Major Depressive Disorder to exercise, stay sober, and volunteer. I also read a lot. For volunteering I go to AA meetings at the Women's jail once a week. It really puts things into perspective; I'm reminded of where I'll end up if I lose my sobriety and of all my blessings. I'm trying to lose the weight I gained when I got sober as it makes me more depressed. Us addicts are good at switching addictions, and I gave myself a "free pass" on junk food lol.

Thank you again for your reply and I will be thinking of you and hope your PTSD gets better and you find medical assistance.

tnt

Yes it actually gets much easier. The beginning is just hell because at first you have to go through EVERYTHING which is hard, and can bring up the same feelings. Just be honest with your psyc about how you feel near the end of the session and they can help you find methods to cope. I also had some substance abuse issues after a traumatic event (I also had childhood trauma) and at first it was hard, I had to conciously tell myself NOT to go into the liqour store, and grab a coffee instead. But with lots of thinking to yourself about how your going to get through the immidiate problem can help.

And I hope this post helped I'm not saying it will just poof vanish but it does get easier.

*******Triggers******

I just wrote this poem and posted on my blog. Believe it or not, I composed it with my eyes shut and typed at the same time (edited it later). The words flowed. Hope it helps or soothes. I've been a dark place also.

TELL | LIVING IN STIGMA

Hell yes. It is a great thing to have worked through some of the pain of trauma. My first round, I felt 100% better afterward, now doing a second round, at a different place and different level of healing. I can see a difference on this path to "better" already. It takes time and so much effort and is worth every ounce.

Stay strong, and take good care of yourself!