I'm fine........It's all fine??

Wondering why, when people ask "How are things, how's the family?" My reply is "Everything is fine".

Things are not fine--

Two nights ago my 17 year old son was robbed at gunpoint(at a gas station-they took his birthday money he'd just gotten that day )--which left me spiraling into the world of "numbness" as my memories of being 8 years old and held at gunpoint for several hours, come back to me.
Have to go to court next week with son as he is being questioned about a carjacking that took place after the criminals bashed in my son's car window(trying to steal my son's car but they were scared away)-- what if those criminals are there at the court house and see my son-- will they want to go after him later?
This son has ADD and his grades have been going down, down, down-- he's at a D average now. He was coping so well two years ago-- it seems to be gone ........court next week and now this robbery.....I don't know what to do. Then there's also the alcoholism...... hubby won't accept-- says it's not a problem--as he staggers through the house.

And yet, people(mainly family members) ask and I tell them "Everything is fine".--- maybe PTSD taught me, numbness is best-- it's the way to cope. But-- is it?? I just don't know.

whew-- this is hard.... not usually one to publically vent. not that there's a thing wrong with it-- just hard for me to do-- guess I'm pondering- "outloud", my old ways of coping.

I dunno, I tell people everything is fine when it's not because I think it's what people want to hear. "How are you?" is kind of a social tic in this culture. If you dare to tell people how you really are, it seems to make them uncomfortable, when they were just asking to be polite.

I'd be willing to bet most people do that, just say "fine" automatically.

Hello I hope things are better for you and your family at this time. I am concerned for you and your sons mental health. i sincerely feel that you and your son should see a therapist over what happened. this way if there are problems the therapist can help you and your son, with the PTSD. This has been a very traumatic event for you and your son. Robbery is a violation, and the therapist can help you regian the control that you need to deal with the issues in a more positive manner, or adjust medication and therapy as needed. I hope the best for you and your family, I hope everything gets better soon. I am going to leave you the number for a crisis line if you need to talk to someone 1-800-273-TALK. Take care Sincerely Soidhonia

Hi Candybear,

Yes, I think I understand the niceties that our culture expects from others-- like saying "Everything is fine". I think what I mean is that I say that to EVERYONE in my life-- my siblings, my mom, my kids, my husband and well-- even find I minimize to the psychologist I've been going to.

Maybe I'm scared that..... people won't care? believe? or will think I'm weak or get upset with me........ not real sure

Thanks for your reply candybear-- wishing you a good day.

Hi Soidhonia,

I appreciate your concern, thank you. Well, I do see a therapist but my son never has-- except just when he was dx with ADD-- years ago.

This may sound odd but I struggle in knowing just what really is/should be traumatic for myself. It's like I have a different rule book than everyone else... if that makes any sense......

Thank you for your kind words and the 800#, I will keep that in mind.

Soidhonia-

Oh Mandy, I'm so sorry! You have a lot going on, I'm glad you are trusting us with all of it. I know how difficult that is.

I know the fear you speak of. All of it. I understand the spiral and I'm sorry that happened to little Mandy.

Are you going to court alone with son? Maybe you need to take a safe friend. At least try to schedule a visit with T or a phone call.

Mandyfins

(((( son ))))

I'm here for you.

I am trusting you all with this, arent I. I hadn't thought of it that way-- helps me to feel less alone, thank you Tunia.
.. and no one has gotten mad at me here (so far) or told me to --"just deal with it". (phew)

"Are you going to court alone with son?"...... well my husband is going to meet us there, but that's it.

Coincidentally, I did have a T. session yesterday.... but it didn't go very well. Seems I was evasive and found myself bringing up subjects out of nowhere-- just like a magician. ... things that had very little/or nothing to do with the current situations..... T. pointed that out towards the end of the session-- I didn't realize I was doing that.
He suggested I should have more frequent sessions-- not sure about that idea though.....

Tunia, Thanks for your support-- I really appreciate it.

Well, when I say "everything is fine" to *everybody,* it's my way of avoiding the issues. Like, if I don't bring them up, maybe they'll go away? I dunno. That's just me. But maybe that's part of it for you too? A lot of times I feel like I just don't want to burden everybody else, and that's part of it too.

Hope you're doing better.

Candy

ONE good thing my lawyer taught me, never say I'm fine or I'm ok, if I'm not! I don't say it. I have other phrases that I've developed, based upon my own rating scale of how I'm doing that day. Maybe you could also do that? It's not good to feel like you "can't" share and have to tell everyone what they want to hear.



Feel free to tell others, when they ask, "Things are tough right now, but I'm working through them."

I am so sorry that your life is so rough right now. Must be so hard for you and your son.

I'm glad your son didn't get hurt physically in all this.

((((((((((Mandy)))))))

Good to see you in chat today mandyfins Sorry you couldn't stay afterwards and chat more TC!!

Thank you Sky.
Jeez, I didn't even say one thing there, in chat today.... ... sometimes I just can't find any words. and also not feeling too good physically-- sore throat, aching back.... maybe I'm getting the flu? or maybe it's stress??

Anyway, wanted to thank all of you that replied here, that I haven't answered yet-- sorry I didn't answer each one personally, I'm feeling a bit scattered at the moment.

Please know that I do appreciate all your support.

mandy

Mandy,

Those "how are you" questions are hard for me too. The automatic answer, "ok" always tends to be what comes out. I think I eleborate more now than I used to, and the details often don't support the description of ok or fine. I agree that it probably comes from the social understanding in American culture that when people ask how you are they are being polite and don't really want to know. Other cultures actually mean it and it is more common to give a detailed reply.

I even get stuck on saying that I'm okay without thinking about it when the question come from someone I know wants a real answer, like in therapy. With my previous therapist we went through the ritual pretty much every time. He asked "how are you," and I always said ok or fine, even when it was obvious that I wasn't, and he always had to ask again, "so how are you really?" My current T does not fall into that trap. After the customary hellos, she might just say something like "well...." I have a hard time coming up with what to talk about, so usually she has to stare at me for a while after that.

I do like the idea of actually saying how we really are. Why is that hard to do? I guess it would take a bit of self-awareness, and that takes some effort. In order to give a real answer to that question, you would have to first admit to yourself how you really are, and then also trust the other person to accept you where you are. Hmm, that sounds a bit like the kind of honest communication that therapy is about.

Rap

Well, on the "how are you?" I just can't say fine. I'm not fine. Things aren't fine. I might "struggling with..." I might say something like I am disappointed in myself (or...the painter or...) Or just plain "I'm miserable."

I know when the T asks me, he really wants to know.

Keep working on this, you will find suitable, honest answers that will help your T help you.

Rap,
Thank you so much for the wonderful reply. You said so many things that I can relate to!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My current T does not fall into that trap. After the customary hellos, she might just say something like "well...." I have a hard time coming up with what to talk about, so usually she has to stare at me for a while after that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">--- this sounds very much like me in my sessions! my mind can be so blank Good thing my T. knows me after almost three years-- he can tell just by my demeanor how things are -- and he knows I minimize things too much.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I guess it would take a bit of self-awareness, and that takes some effort.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> .... oh my gosh!! I think this is a big part of it for me. I don't allow feelings out most of the time--or even that I have them sometimes.... just recently I'm learning to stop pushing those feelings back and to realize they are there and try to express them outwardly-- "taking some effort" is an understatement for me! (hoping maybe it would help stop the dissociating I do so much )

Feeling misunderstood and lonely(because I don't voice how things really are but it comes out sometimes anyway in my demeanor and then people don't know what to think ) and yet I don't want to be lonely or misunderstood-- sort of a mental tug-of-war

Wow-as usual, you've made some great points, I am going to think on them-- thank you for your kind support.

mandy

Thank you Sky-- yes I'm going to keep working on this.

However sometimes I'm just not sure what's better-- acknowledging the feelings(which I'm not too good at coping with yet) or the familiar, for me, pushing back feelings, feeling numb and/or "checking out".

thank you for your reply- Sky

mandy

)))))))))) mandyfins (((((((((((( it feels like it's either "fine" or a long story, huh? You'll find your way through to what's comfortable for you. Take care.

thanks for your reply hillbunnyb. I sure hope I find my way to what's comfortable for me---not been too successful just yet.

It's hard for me to know how much is too much to say and how little is not enough to say... I think I missed learning about socializing-- feel confused, clumsy or misunderstood most times.

hillbunnyb-

mandy

Just keep on keeping on, push the feelings back when you feel you need to, and forge ahead when you think you can, and don't feel regret when you have to change or do what you need to do. Just that simple. Inside, I think you know what is best for you. Yes, we need a T to encourage that knowledge...but imo it's all inside too.

(((((((((((Mandy)))))))))

Thank you Sky-- you're support is much appreciated and needed at this time.

Thank you for the kind hugs Time0.

I really needed this support tonight........ it's been rough again....... too much -- tonight!!!! ... police and yelling-- husband and son giving statements--son being accused of kidnapping tonight-- accused by his girlfriends angry father, girlfriend crying-- she doesn't want to go with her father.....police said she has to. (he is not a nice father to her-- he called her hurtful names before the police came ) Son is so upset he couldn't even eat a late dinner.


I don't know what to do??

Oh my. Yes it is upsetting! But it isn't the end of the world. Try and step back, and do what you can with keeping yourself safe and also doing what is in your best interest. If each person could do that in the situation, it would be much calmer and organized. But alas they can't, they don't have a clue how to...but you do. We are only really responsible for ourselves.

Thanks Sky.

Im trying...

just can't believe that girl's father would call the police--- my son and her have went out every Friday night for the past 10 months....... my son is very gentle and was so upset(he had tears ) seeing the way this man was treating his daughter-- and that he would accuse my son of such a thing as kidnapping.

I just don't understand and struggle to know how to deal with it....

thank you ever so much for your continued support-- this board is all I have. Thank you.

mandy

I hope the daughter is strong enough to stand up for your son. One can only hope. Things don't always turn our fairly though.

No, things aren't fine.
Do your best. That's all you can do...not your best of all time, but your best for right now, as the situation is, as you are feeling, as you can think.

Your best for right now is enough.

((( Mandy )))

oh man, I am so SO sorry about this... both for your son and for little Mandy as well. It makes my blood boil that things like that happen to good people. My heart is with you both.