Uncontrollable panic and distress over relationship

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place to write this but here's my story.

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years
For the first year and a half , my boyfriend spoke endlessly about his ex girlfriend. All about her flaws, how she was horrible, how she was lazy, the sex life they had, the favourite sexual positions, how much he loved her (on repeat), how he would do anything for her, how they met, about her family, showed me where she lives, about her ex boyfriend, about her new boyfriend, how much happier he is with me, her favourite pets, her eating habits, where she works, etc, etc

Throughout our relationship, every time we have a fight he threatens to leave me. Its always dramatic and he always tells me that he's going to leave me. One of the times he was going to leave me because I'm not as skinny as his ex (I weigh the same but my body proportions are different). Another time he was going to leave me because he said he loved her more. This happened a year and a half ago. Other times he threatened to leave me about any fight we had. Any. Sometimes it would be because I formed an obsession over her.

He stopped mentioning her after the year and a half but he kept on going with the threats to leave me. Lately (past few weeks) he's stopped threatening me that he's going to leave me.

He mentioned her briefly over the weekend and the mention was so small it is unbelievable how I reacted. I totally exploded. My heart started beating so fast. This always happens when something reminds me of her or when I happen to see her. I lose my breath. I get really angry and uncontrollably panicked. My chest feels like its going to burst from my body. He's getting really annoyed by my behaviour and probably won't stick around for much longer...

I don't know what I'm going to do. Anything that reminds me of her brings about this uncontrollable behaviour. I start saying mean things about her. He says he wants to marry me but every time he threatens to leave me I feel like a piece of me has died. I think we're good together. When we don't mention the ex everything is fine and happy. One single mention of her and that's it.

I am obsessing that if he loved this person so much and left her, then he will leave me as well. Him constantly threatening to leave me is not doing me much good. I know he has stopped in the past few weeks but I do not know how long this will go on for. He is probably going to leave me soon.

I'm a mess. I feel like I'm breaking down. I avoid any encounter to her and any mention of her like a plague. I feel unhealthy and unfit. I don't know what I am going to do. I have never suffered from mental problems before and this is really really scary for me.

Please, please help me.

Your boyfriend isnt good. This is a very destructive relationship for you. You should get out. You should also get help. Find a therapist. OR just talk to other people about relationships. You need to.see how abnormal this guy is.

You've been conditioned to feel the way you do. He introduced her to your present relationship and she is past. I would suggest couples therapy to work on self esteem and better ways to disagree. You are worth something so much more than being a stand in and he likely realized that but he'd already given you a complex. It's best to get help with the aftermath if you plan to continue on. Do not fret about mental problems, this is a normal stress response and your anguish is more than likely situational and therefore temporary.

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She says she has scary mental problems. Hes too weird and scary for couples therapy. He is also being abusive. She doesn't need therapy to learn how to take that crap and he wont do anything in therapy except lament his lost.love.

When a man gives you.scary.mental problems you need to let him.go...fast.

You need to leave this relationship. He's a worthless piece of crap who is using the threat of leaving you to manipulate you. He is an absolutely TERRIBlE person. Read up on personality disorders, such as narcissistic or borderline personalitys, and see if he fits any of them.

HazelGirl
Good advice, he has serious issues. He is using your insecurity to manipulate and control. This other girl is irrelevant to him, if she was important to him he would still be with her (unless she left him?) He is deliberately pushing your buttons for the drama .
In fact, you should leave him! that would give him a shock!
If you want to stay, work on yourself, build your self esteem. Next time he says hes gonna leave say 'OK, if that what you really want, call his bluff. He won't go, and if he did it frees you up to find someone nice who doesn't f##k with your head.
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It doesn't matter if he has a personality disorder or not. I have a personality is disorder and would never treat someone this way.

The reason WHY he behaves this way doesn't matter. Whether it is an intentional manipulation doesn't really matter, either.

What matters is that when she is mentioned you feel disrespected, that's why you blow your top over it! Its an upsetting topic and he knows it really bothers you. Why bother wasting time trying to figure out the pathology of someone who doesn't respect you?

What you do about the situation is up to you. How do you expect to be treated? Is the relationship worth saving? What are you getting out of this relationship? Are the feelings and frustrations you endure worth it?

Weigh the pro's and con's.

Only you can answer these questions and do something about it. Not everything is up to him. Only you have the power to build your own life within or without this relationship.

I'm careful not to write ppl off as abusive impulsively. He clearly has some abandonment issues of his own that manifest as him threatening to leave her. I don't know him but since he's stopped speaking about the other woman I'm going to assume he realized he was wrong. In my opinion he likely rebounded with the OP from a hurtful relationship and then began hurting her. Hurting people hurt ppl.

I don't think he gave the OP mental problems, he likely aggravated the ones she had already which may be why she was willing to accept his mistreatment. In couples therapy a good therapist will provide a place to work things out or leave the relationship safely if necessary. I would never suggest that a woman or man learn to tolerate abuse. I recommended a safe place for her to work on the relationship and/or leave it.

It's too easy to advise a person to leave a relationship. When ppl reach the point of seeking help on a forum online, they likely want a few steps they can take. Leaving has likely already crossed their mind and led to them to reach out.

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None of us can diagnose "him" here. What I am getting about your scenario is that you have been in a relationship with someone who has been needy and very self centered. This person should have gotten "help" and should be working on himself before he got into yet another relationship.

You need to reach out for help yourself and find out "why" you are staying in this kind of dysfunctional relationship. You can't "fix" him either, he has to do that for himself, and honestly, some women get involved in relationships thinking the man will change somehow and they end up realizing they wasted their time and the person with the issue is not going to change.

From what you are describing, this guy never makes you feel "good" about yourself and the relationship, why on earth are you putting up with that? You are describing being with a person who is all about "himself", that is not a relationship, that's a one way ticket to misery.

The behavior she described is abusive. I dont care If he is being abusive because he has abandonment issues or because the Bible says or because his mother sold him to gypaies who made him dance and steal for love. Abuse is abuse, intentional or conscience or whatever. She will never fix him. She should drop him and tend to her own injuries. Life is too short to suffer from bad boyfriends. Good healthy boys need love too.

I think we all bring our own experiences with us to this sort of thing. I've been guilty of rebounding and comparing exes to the currents and threatened to walk for fear of being left so I know the behavior and I was not being abusive though and was without a doubt very emotionally immature. I do think him commenting on her weight crosses the line but I'm not sure if this was a common occurrence. I hope it wasn't and if it was I recommend seriously considering time apart from him or a break up, if the OP sees fit, if he will not or cannot grow up. We'll just have to agree to disagree on him being an abuser. The bigger issue now is how the OP will get help. I don't think her bf caused her mental issues but I do think he exacerbated them. She seems unsure of herself but without knowing her I would say she comes across as a very caring and understanding person. I think she needs a little help with seeing that though because for so long she has been compared to someone else by a pretty immature bf. I do hope she will seek therapy and come to know who she is apart from what her boyfriend believes her to be.



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Rouge, I think its simpler than that. She is dating this boy. She feels really bad. It is lunacy to stay in a dating relationship that makes her feel bad. If she were trying to return adopted children because they cries for their own birthmother...but she isnt. Girlfriends are not obligated to go to therapy to learn how to help detective boyfriends recognise their own abuse and knock it off. She's not a psychiatric nurse with a patient. She's a girl or woman who has every right to enjoy relationship without someone elses mental illness causing pain.

There is no rule that we must stick with boyfriends. Dating is about exploration, not commitment. Young people are very mistaken when they treat dating partners as virtual marriage partners.

Its best for her o get some space to see how this boy hurt her. Unmarried people can retreat to each Seal wirh their own pain. With luck hers is simple. His seems severe. He may be in his fifties before he gets real help.

I suggested therapy because she seemed to indicate that she wants to stay with him but is fearful of losing him and depressed by her feelings about the girl. Had she said she was looking for advice on how to move forward without him, I would have given different advice. I

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Sure. But when people ask for advice on how to being the house down around their ears I tell them not to do it.

We are two very different people and that is ok.

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It is OK. That's kind of what these forums are all about.

Wow thanks for the responses!

I hope I didn't make him seem like the worst person ever.
His major flaws are those mentioned : that he had ended up mentioning the ex endlessly in the first 1.5 yrs in too much detail
and that he threatened to leave me.

He has come to some therapy sessions with me and understands that what he is doing is wrong. I know I should have left during the initial 1.5 years but I guess I was struggling from more self esteem issues than I thought at the time.

Anyway, I'm not handling well the even slightest mention of her from anyone. I feel damaged from all the threats that he will leave me. So let's say in a perfect world, he honours his promise to stop threatening to leave me but I still feel this way. He has not threatened in the past few weeks but I still freak out every time thinking its going to happen again.

I understand that people do not like hearing about their boyfriend's exes and all that but I don't the way my mind is handling it is normal. It has become something of an obsession and I have true hatred for her.

If you guys don't mind, could you suggest what I should do to calm myself down? To get over this? It's not the worst thing in the world but during a freakout or a panic attack I feel like it is. Do you think you can help me please?

I'm trying to avoid breaking up with him because apart from all this (yes, I know its a lot) he is a good guy to me. He does listen to my problems and makes sure to help in anything if I need help.

He threatened me again and then he took it back. My mind is a mess.

Your mind is fine. Your boyfriend is a mess. It will hurt you less to break up with him and have no contact with him.

Friendzone him, and have no contact for six weeks. Block him. In those six weeks, since you aren't reeling from the pain of constant rejection, you will begin to feel more feelings. You will probably feel anger and sorrow. But you will also feel glad you aren't being hurt.

Don't waste more of your life on this guy.

Gonna have to agree with you. I gave the guy a chance but it's time to really look out for yourself, OP. He seems incapable of threatening to leave you and because of that he doesn't deserve you.

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You should tell your BF that you have a crush on some other dude.

I came from a abusive background and spent many years doing anything to be needed,feeling that I was so damaged I was lucky to have anyone.I had some boundaries and was getting better with therapy but then married some one who I knew was abusive just to be with someone in a scenario I felt familiar with.I finally divorced him, and am just learning to be with people who won't abuse me.I think you're frightened like I was dear, but you can do it,you are stronger than you think.