[Alishia88]

So I started an online therapy program ( I had another thread where I was still looking for a program, and I did find one eventually! )

This isn´t just one therapist but it´s a whole program, studied, tested and designed by a university in switzerland for ptsd.

I only have 4 hours to write/describe and confront myself with traumatic material.

They mainly ask you about the most shocking moment of your trauma.

However, this is so difficult for me.

I have PTSD from something that went on for an entire year. Even though I made a list of the most painfull moments, it has 18 points.

I got to descirbe 4 events in my first 2 tasks, but now they ask me to go even further into detail with the events I have already written about not to write about more events.
But I feel that I need to tell "more". ALL these things need to be told.

Also, you´re not under any circumstances supposed to write about the trauma outside of the given writing tasks.

After the first 4 tasks, I think, it´s not about confrontation so much anymore..

do you think it may not be necessary to write about everything?

I just think it´s different if you have PTSD from a one time event, like a car accident or rape or an assault, or from something that just went on for a longer time, like abuse etc....

[LaborIntensive]

Have you seen a professional about this? Taking the online tests is a place to start but if it feels wrong for you try something else like a real person. But taking test can be fun for some.

[Alishia88]

this isn´t "online tests" it´s a professional program, as I said, studied, designed by the University of Zurich in Switzerland and in it I´m working with a psychologist over the internet.
She´s supervised by some professor too.

I got a real assessment from them, it wasn´t some kind of "online test".

In the Netherlands, this sort of new therapy is recognized and paid for by insurance companies.

The thing is, that it´s not really individually designed. It´s a program that they stick to.

I told her that I felt I needed to talk about more, but she said I should try and concentrate on the most shocking situation.

[LaborIntensive]

Well the testing in the USA is also not for everyone But it is what they use for assessment. Can you go and meet with a psychologist or therapist to discuss the events?

[Open Eyes]

I am not sure what their point is in keeping your focus solely in the trauma's and not the other things you experienced that added to the damage. Perhaps their goal is to get you to realize that whatever happened that traumatized you was not your fault or anything you can go back and change.

I know for myself, the trauma was bad enough, what made it worse was how for the past seven years I have been in a lawsuit that has been badly mishandled and the opposing side's entire goal is to dismiss. What drives me crazy is I saw it and it replays constantly and yet I have been denied and did not get the help I needed in spite of the red flags I expressed.

I know the need to talk about not just the trauma but all the different things that happened before and after the trauma too.

[Alishia88]

I think it´s because trauma material is unprocessed material and by trying to focus on the worst part of it, you´re starting to process it.
They say that it´s the unprocessed material in the brain that is causing a lot of symptoms.
So I get why they´re asking me for this.
But it´s difficult to focus on just one moment when there were so many.

I get though now, that you can focus on one that stands for many others, and that helps too.

"What drives me crazy is I saw it and it replays constantly" you mean the traumatic events? like flashbacks?

I totally understand. I don´t know but I can imagine that once you have processed the actual trauma, maybe it´s easier to deal with what happened after...
I think you might to start seeing things in a different light.
At least I hope so

[thammock68]

My trauma had to be suppressed for 42 years until my daddy died recently which triggered severe anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal plans, hospitalization, seeing and hearing things and people that are not there. (Mainly my dad whom abused me mentally, sexually, & emotionally) I think that it would be hard to categorize my PTSD into a few major events. I still love him which I think is sick in itself. I still want his love and approval which I will never get now because he is dead. I can never ask him why. He left me nothing in his will. I have no closure at all.
TH

[Alishia88]

I´m sorry thammock
I can understand that it would probably be impossible to select the "one" most shocking moment.
However, I think what they´d do is ask for a moment that stands for many other moments.

Also, to be able to do this sort of therapy, you cannot be suicidal, strongly dissociating or seeing/hearing things that aren´t there.

So it´s not for everyone, if your symptoms are to "dangerous".

[Auntie2014]

I can see where a program like that might work for a "one time" event but not for trauma that happened over over a long period of time.

[Faking sane]

I like the idea of an online therapist. I don't really want any living soul to know some of the depths of depravity inflicted on me, especially since the scenario repeats itself over and over again in the fist half of my life, and it hurts me to realize how gullible I was Having a therapist that I never have to look in the eye and being able to think out my responses rather than blurting them out sounds a lot easier than what I'm going through now.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Open Eyes]

((Faking sane)), are you saying that you are seeing a therapist, but are having a hard time opening up? If you slow down and test the ground first by discussing the topic in a general way so you can first see how the T feels about that kind of trauma, that is what I did, and my therapist's response helped me feel better about sharing some more
personal things.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Alisha, the problem I have is that I saw my neighbor's dog chasing around my horses and ponies that led to them having so many injuries. I can't get closure because I have been involved in a lawsuit for going on seven year this fall. It's the worst thing IMHO because it forces the trauma to keep being in the now and it really aggravates the PTSD. I am telling the truth and I wish I could hook up something to my brain to prove it.

OE

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Alisha, the problem I have is that I saw my neighbor's dog chasing around my horses and ponies that led to them having so many injuries. I can't get closure because I have been involved in a lawsuit for going on seven year this fall. It's the worst thing IMHO because it forces the trauma to keep being in the now and it really aggravates the PTSD. I am telling the truth and I wish I could hook up something to my brain to prove it.

OE

OE, I´m really sorry about that
I never meant that I didn´t believe you or anything, if I made it sound like that in any way.

Or I think maybe you mean it aggravates the PTSD that people from the lawsuit like judges don´t believe you?
In that case, that´s really tough. Is there an end in sight of the lawsuit?
It must be so strenghous to do this for years, you cannot move past it, I can understand that.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, it has been one bad thing after another ever since it happened. Even though I expressed all the clear red flags, even talked about how I saw it and lost so much, I was misdiagnosed and totally misunderstood by people who are suppose to know how to help me. That is just in the reaching out for psychological help. Then my attorney made a mess of my case because he was developing dementia. He kept triggering me so badly, again, I kept trying to get help to no avail for so many years. I was also seeing my therapist who was trying to help me, but didn't realize just how bad it really was until it got so bad that "finally" when I reached out for help in desperation one more time an attorney could see the mess and knew how my attorney was indeed really losing it. My therapist now feels bad about the fact that it was so bad all along and really made the PTSD so bad I could barely function.

Now my new attorney regrets trying to fix the case, said she should have allowed it to get thrown out so that I could have a better malpractice case. He made too much of a mess and too many years have passed, oh it's such a long mess over way too many years with this nightmare. Honestly, I am extremely tired of trying to tell people things, they won't listen until it gets so bad I am left with a huge mess and they are "sorry", yet they walk away and "I" am left with all the mess. And it totally just aggravates the PTSD. And I can't talk about that, oh no, because all the opposing side will do is use it against me and insist on seeing my medical file which has these misdiagnoses in them and some of my history that is private and has nothing to do with my case. I am at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore and none of it was my fault either.

Sorry, you didn't trigger me, I am just having a hard time right now.

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, it has been one bad thing after another ever since it happened. Even though I expressed all the clear red flags, even talked about how I saw it and lost so much, I was misdiagnosed and totally misunderstood by people who are suppose to know how to help me. That is just in the reaching out for psychological help. Then my attorney made a mess of my case because he was developing dementia. He kept triggering me so badly, again, I kept trying to get help to no avail for so many years. I was also seeing my therapist who was trying to help me, but didn't realize just how bad it really was until it got so bad that "finally" when I reached out for help in desperation one more time an attorney could see the mess and knew how my attorney was indeed really losing it. My therapist now feels bad about the fact that it was so bad all along and really made the PTSD so bad I could barely function.

Now my new attorney regrets trying to fix the case, said she should have allowed it to get thrown out so that I could have a better malpractice case. He made too much of a mess and too many years have passed, oh it's such a long mess over way too many years with this nightmare. Honestly, I am extremely tired of trying to tell people things, they won't listen until it gets so bad I am left with a huge mess and they are "sorry", yet they walk away and "I" am left with all the mess. And it totally just aggravates the PTSD. And I can't talk about that, oh no, because all the opposing side will do is use it against me and insist on seeing my medical file which has these misdiagnoses in them and some of my history that is private and has nothing to do with my case. I am at a point where I just don't know what to do anymore and none of it was my fault either.

Sorry, you didn't trigger me, I am just having a hard time right now.

I am really sorry, OE.

How is the situation rightnow? Do you still have horses and ponies now?
Does your neighbour still live there next to you?
Is this lawsuit about getting your money back so that you can start over?

[Open Eyes]

I am struggling a lot. I have been paying on the debt that resulted from all the damage and vet bills. I have cripples I have to take care of, two died and the ponies I used for lessons and bigger events are gone (either died or crippled). My daughter's expensive beautiful show horse was damaged too much to show and compete. My daughter finally found someone to free lease him and putz around on him and baby him. It is too painful for my daughter to visit him or get on him because he cannot ever do for her what she trained him to do, worked hard on for so many years. I know it is too painful emotionally for my daughter it was too traumatic and she handles it by avoidance.

I still do "some" of my business but not nearly what I had been doing. It is hard because being around them triggers me. I have not been able to go into the ring, I avoid it because too much sad happened in it. When I go out and take care of them, especially at night, by the time I finish I am in a lot of physical pain because my body pumps up with cortisol and adrenaline even though I don't want it to, I don't know how to fix that either, it just comes over me.

I was not prepared for so much sudden loss and expense like that and not having what I needed to service the business I had built up over the years. It wrecked my credit because I could not make enough to pay the higher interest rates and had to get into hardship payment plans, that totally wrecks the credit rating and mine had always been excellent.

My neighbors are still there, but I believe the dog that did the damage has died, after all it is 7 years this year and dogs generally only live until around age 12. My neighbors are "not nice" and want to "blame me" and do not want to be responsible, even though it was their dog and their containment system that failed and they didn't fix it and kept letting that dog out when they figured I would not see it, either when I was not home or late at night. You see, they were very aware from many conversations and even my getting the dog warden to talk to them about containing their dogs. The other problem I have had is leaving the farm, it triggers me and I put them in at night otherwise I would not be able to sleep and now they get upset "still" at night. Horses/ponies get a kind of PTSD too, they never forget things that hurt or severely frighten them.

It is so hard when the one thing I loved so much is now a constant "trigger" to me. People don't understand that, not unless they suffer from PTSD. I still have flashbacks of seeing that dog ruin everything I loved and worked very, very hard for. The bills come in
throughout every month to remind me too.

I spent a lot of time at PC, to "avoid" because of how much bad happened right here where I live, especially outside. It was really bad when I first joined PC. Often, I just want to think about anything other then what happened "right here at my home". I worked so damn hard for this little farm too, so much I did out there, I built so many stone walls, I have had masons come and be totally amazed at all the stone walls I built. I did so many things myself. There is a lot of personal TLC all around me. The only time I could get my mind going was here at PC on the computer because it was different and it was very hard to slow my thoughts down and PC helped with that. At first my posts were very long and racing, and I didn't even know it.

I was so bad for a while, I didn't want to go outside, outside was just blank, nothingness, could not interact with it. I went through about a year where I was very suicidal, every day was very, very hard. I was often so tired but could not sleep, like others who have complained, I was so tired but afraid to sleep and wake up in night terrors. It took me about 4 years before I found a "good" therapist. I wish so much that he had been right there for me in the beginning, perhaps it would not have gotten so bad. I was so full of anger and grief that my brain did not know where to go. I was also so tired because it was too many and too many months of every day doing nothing but taking care of hurt animals and then when I could not save my favorite one, it just got too hard. I could not hear my daughter crying anymore and my husband was not doing well either.

It has been 7 years, and other than the psych ward that only made me worse and didn't help me at all, got no rest I have not had a day "off" from all this mess since it happened. Just no "time out or away", just cant afford it. Often I don't eat because I can't afford the food, gotta keep paying on debt, debt I don't deserve to have to pay for.

OE

[Open Eyes]

What people didn't understand was that these ponies, and my daughter with her horse, they were like my children. I trained them all, it was my personal hands on with each of them, and people do not realize how affectionate and childlike these animals can be. They looked to me for guidance and trusted me to care for them. The relationship between a person and a horse, has a lot to do with building "trust", especially with horses and ponies because they are creatures of flight, they are "very sensitive". The things that I did with them took time, a lot of years of constant patience and training. The ponies I had needed to learn how to be very good with children, patient, safe and understanding when a child is trying to learn how to ride and is sending them mixed messages because they are trying to figure out how to balance and control all their little body parts.

People do not understand how hard it is to find the right kind of pony with the right kind of temperament and even how they carry themselves in a way where when they are ridden by a child they are comfortable to ride. Ponies are very smart, have personalities so much like children too. To get together what I had took a lot of hunting to first find them and then a lot of time in training them.

When I saw that dog destroy so much hard work, and ponies I loved like they were my children, that is how I felt about them. It was too much!!!!

People who lose their dogs and pets grieve badly, some grieve that loss like it was their child. I had too many, too many!!!! And it was not quick at all, it lasted and lasted and totally overwhelmed me. A day for me was morning until late at night doing nothing but caring for hurt and sick ponies and horses. I had a pony in the barn on IV's three times a day and I had to try to feed her with a syringe full of food that was watery to nourish her. Then I had to hand walk other hurt ones to get blood to their injured legs, then I had to deal with a white pony that had a fractured pelvis and damaged hip bone joint and torn ligaments all down his hind leg. I had to wash his back side twice a day because he was in pain and stressing and had diarrhea and it was all down his bottom and legs. I had to figure out how to address his pain because horses and ponies have such delicate stomachs that you can't keep giving them pain medications. I then had to hand walk my daughter's horse who was now so completely terrified of dogs that just being able to look over and "see" their dog would get him upset, he would rear up and try to take off with me handwalking him. He was a horse that was "never" like this but just a gentle bomb proof giant. I ended up developing planter's facietus in both my feet so bad that I could barely walk, and if I woke up at night to go to the bathroom I had to crawl because it was much too painful to walk. I had to get injections and have special inserts made to put into my shoes, it got so I wanted to wear them to bed at night so I didn't have to crawl to the bathroom. It would get so hot in the ring because of when this all happened, so I would try to hand walk a couple of them up the shared driveway in the shade. My neighbors would speed by me, upset the pony and almost hit me. I finally got so mad that I stepped in front of her car and told her to slow down and have some respect. She called the police and the police "yelled" at me, can you imagine?

This all went into developing the PTSD because I was so angry and yet so full of grief and also so hyper vigilant with fear of having them die on me, that I broke down.

I honestly did not know what "trauma" was, or what post traumatic stress was, and I was also developing complicated grief disorder. I broke down so bad that my husband took me to a psych ward. I begged them for "rest and grief counseling", I have had bad things happen to me, even almost died, but this was something that just wiped me out, more than anything. This time, it felt like my soul was badly damaged. The psychiatrist should have seen the clear red flags, but unfortunately he was "indian" and spoke broken English, and from India and women should not be this upset, so he misdiagnosed me. I was there for nine days, and it was horrible and over Thanksgiving. They kept trying to give me drugs that only made me sick, one day when the gave me Rameron, I spent the day kneeling at the toilet with the heaves. The just wanted to keep pushing drugs at me and I kept trying to tell them I just wanted rest and even if they could find a priest or minister to see me, but all they could find was a rabbi, and when he found out I was Christian, he said he could not help me. I was followed around by some young guy who kept telling me he was Jesus and if I let him touch me he would take away my pain. A part of me was wishing, if only he really could, yet a part of me was totally creeped out.

My sister came in an sat across from me at a table and yelled at me that I better get with the program and take the drugs or I would not get out of there and I would lose my family and my farm. My sister would not let my mother come and see me either, my husband also stayed away, my mother could have helped me, she would have understood, she knew how much I loved them. My sister broke down and struggled when her dog died and I comforted her, wouldn't one think she would at least show me compassion instead of being angry at me for breaking down in grief? Oh, it was horrible, it was such a horrible place, not a place for someone traumatized and grief stricken to go. Yes, I was told many times "it was the wrong place for me to go", yeah, but I was taken there and kept there for nine days and I could not leave. All that place did was traumatize me even more, it doesn't do me any good to say it was the wrong place "after" I spent so much time there.

When I was finally diagnosed with PTSD, it was not explained to me. I thought it meant, deep grief because that is all I felt. I thought that after a while it would ease up, but it didn't, it got worse and worse. And I was on my own for a couple of years because with the debt from all the damage, still trying to figure out the damage and losing so much business, we could no longer pay for insurance and could not afford a therapist either. I managed to get one horse well enough to sell, and my husband crashed and would not get out of bed for over a month, didn't work, didn't pay the bills, nothing. I used the money to pay the bills, "PRAYING" that he would get himself together and get up and work again. And I got "worse", and I don't even know how I managed to do what I did do. It is very hard to know what I know now about PTSD and see how I kept trying to reach out for help and was failed by professionals. Part of my therapy is also about having bad therapists/psychiatrists.

Oh Alisha, I have not really talked about all this, only little pieces here and there. I have tried not to talk about myself too much, but instead be her to support others. I will never forget how very much I needed that myself, how so dark it got, how crippled I got with it and I really feel sorry for anyone who struggles with it. My family was so mad at me, even mean to me, which made me worse. I am so sorry because I know how that happens to people who suffer, it is so important that a professional explain to family what PTSD means and how the person suffering can't help it and genuinely suffers. For myself, it took almost four years for that to happen and that was much too long. Now they are "sorry", but that doesn't change how those four years just kept making me worse, so lonely, many dark days where I had seriously dangerous thoughts too.

It is so important to get support for it, read about it, and get therapy. It does take time, depending on the trauma and the person, but it does get better with "time and patience" and support. I still struggle, still have bad days, but not nearly as bad as it was.

OE

[Alishia88]

OE, thank you for writing and explaining.

Yes, I´ve noticed how you are very supportive and helpful to many people here, but, as far as I´ve noticed, seldomly write about yourself.

But I also think it´s very important and good and I´m glad that you did.

I know how writing about it really helps and continues to help me.

It doesn´t need to be read by anyone necessarily to help, but in my opinion sometimes it helps even more.

I feel, like I understand your situation now better.

It truly sounds horrible. But what´s really bad is that it looks like it´s not "over" you cannot really start to move past it and look at it from a better new standpoint because you´re still dealing with it.

How can you heal from trauma that is still partly going on?

What I really do not understand is the craziness and unfairness, that really you didn´t do anything wrong, your neighbours did, and yet here you are the one with the damage and in this bad situation.
The law should take care of it in the right and fair way.
The one who does the damage, should pay for it. I don´t understand how that didn´t happen. How your neighbours weren´t MADE to pay for the damage that the dog caused and MADE to move away or at least get rid of the dog sooner.
It doesn´t make sense, that this kind of wrongness and unfairness is possible in the USA, where, as far as I have understood, it´s so easy to sue and get money out of people for anything.
But I don´t know much about law things.

I just mean... it´s so not right. How can this be legal?

The other thing that I noticed strongly is how very very alone you were or are with all those troubles and there was nobody to support and help you.
You´re all on your own and I think that really makes a traumatic event a lot worse.

If your family and you could have drawn together and work as a union and you could have felt like you weren´t alone, but that everyone cared the same and wanted to make things better the same, it wouldn´t have been as damaging to you, I´m sure. I think it makes a person feel stronger and less afraid with people around you supporting you.

Does/did your husband work also on the farm?

Why did he refuse to get out of bed? Was he too upset? You mentioned that he was an alcoholic. Does that have to do with it?

Also what you said about sister must have been damaging... I don´t understand this at all. It´s what I mean with family staying together and supporting one another. It can make such a difference. If family turns on one another it can make such a difference in a negative way.

My first impulse when reading all of this is the thought: Get away from all of this, make it finally stop.

Get away from those horrible neighbours, get away from the triggering situations with the animals.
Get away from the sister that makes you in your fragile condition feel WORSE

(I´m not in any way saying: do that, it´s just the thoughts I´m having)

If it weren´t for you saying that you love the horses like your children, I´d ask if there wasn´t any way that you could sell what you have left and start over in a completely different place and maybe with something different.

Especially with what you say here:

"It is hard because being around them triggers me. I have not been able to go into the ring, I avoid it because too much sad happened in it. When I go out and take care of them, especially at night, by the time I finish I am in a lot of physical pain because my body pumps up with cortisol and adrenaline even though I don't want it to, I don't know how to fix that either, it just comes over me. "

It must be so difficult for a person to really heal while still being in the traumatic situation or still being directly triggered by it.

I´m just thinking if you could leave this triggering place and things, it´d give you a chance to calm down.
However, I understand how that may not be possible with the financial trouble you´re left with.

Here in Germany insurance pays for health cures you can do.
You can go away to a sort of resort/hospital for 4-8 weeks, often by the sea or forest and it´s mainly just to calm down and get some distance.

I feel that that might be very good for you to get away from the triggering surrounding and get some "rest" like you wanted to get in the psych ward (which by the way sounds like a nightmarish experience!!)

In the therapy I´m doing, the last phase will be to write a letter to someone and put the traumatic experience to the past.
I feel like, you wouldn´t be able to do that, because the traumatic situation isn´t in the past (not just in the mind, but in reality at least to some extent)
it´s still going on. So how can you heal from the PTSD?

In a way, it´s like having PTSD from being abused, but the abuser is still living next door. Or from being exposed to suffering injured soldiers but you´re still around them.

Best scenario would be if the neighbours were made to pay what they owe you to pay, to get you out of debt and help you start over at a different place that isn´t triggering.
Is that still a possibility of happening?

If you cannot get away from the place and the people, have you tried EMDR?

Maybe it could make the triggers you´r suffering with lessen, you feel less emotional about them and more calm in the situation you are now in.
I don´t know.. just an idea...

The main feeling I get when reading it, is "get away" so you can finally calm down.

However, please don´t feel like I´m telling you what to do or something.
I know how that can be very annoying from people, I don´t want to do that.

I just want to express my thoughts on it.

I don´t know anything about the situation to tell if that´s even possible.
Maybe it´s not possible at all in that case I´m sorry for talking about it.

i really hope you´ll be helped and treated better in the future and you can find a way to move past it all

[Open Eyes]

Alisha, after I opened up and wrote so much in your thread, I felt later on that I was wrong and hijacked your thread. It is just that when you asked me, and given where I am right now, it just came out.

My therapist has told me the same as what you have said, it is very hard for him to help me move forward with the PTSD because of how in so many ways I am still "in the trauma".

When you ask about my husband, he has been sober for almost 24 years now and still goes to AA meetings and helps others get sober. The reason why he would not get out of bed is because he was overwhelmed by it all too. Actually, what should have taken place is my husband and daughter "and" me should have had grief counseling. The reason why I broke first is because for so many years "I" was the driving force that held everything together. I kept having to learn how to deal with so much by way of being supportive with my husband when it got so bad I could not longer deal with it and gave him the ultimatum of addressing it or our marriage would be over. The fact that he did get help and stopped drinking, well I stayed and supported that, but it was definitely not easy.
It is not easy because it goes from being all about them with their alcoholism, to all about them with their effort to get sober, so there is a lot of "being alone" for the partner and being patient while they are 'all about being sober" and hardly ever home because of having to get so much support for it for a while. The other thing I had to deal with is that after he had a few years under his belt of sobriety and getting help, he was struggling with the step that covers making amends for the wrongs he did. I did not know it, but he had cheated on me when he was an active alcoholic with more than one woman. The guilt from that was eating him up inside. For a while he was actually mean to me, and often put me down almost as though he needed to find fault with me, but he didn't realize how hard that was on me. It finally came out, not because he wanted it to, but because of how someone was manipulating him because they had known and knew I didn't know.

I finally put him in a position where I knew something was wrong, knew he did something by hints this person made to me on the phone. I gave him the option of him telling me or that I would go and see this person and piss them off so they would tell me everything. I was not ready to hear what finally came out, I would have bet my life that he would never cheat on me, he never even looked or showed any clue that he would ever cheat on me. When I married him, I knew he loved me more than I loved him, and I would have never guessed he would "ever" cheat on me. He never flirted with other women, or stared at them, there was no signs at all that he was anywhere near thinking of doing that. However, what I did not count on was that he would be pursued and give in. And I was also shocked by "who" pursued him too. I could only hear so much, and I had to walk away, I did not even know how to process it. I just told him to stay away, and I went home and ran the farm all by myself. I didn't even know "what" to tell my daughter. I was so angry not so much for myself, but because our child did not deserve this. To me, it is sacrilegious to do something like this where a child can get hurt. To the depths of me, the most important thing is the welfare of a child.

I did learn from a psychologist that my daughter was at an age that a divorce would really hurt her, and she would never get over that. And because of that, I did what was best for "her". I sought marriage counseling and in spite of how hurt and angry I was I made an effort to try to salvage the marriage. In marriage counseling, I learned from the marriage counselor that because of my husband's alcoholism, he only had the maturity level of around age 13 and that he had a lot of growing up to do. I also learned that he would push buttons to try to get me to mother him, and I could not give in and mother him. So basically, I had two children and "I" was the adult and yes, that is a lonely place to be. My husband did work hard, and the business I built up supplied an environment that was positive and productive and a pathway/environment to also growing and maturing. It was a lot of work for me to put that environment all together and build it all up the way I did. It really had so many "positive and productive" things about it.

So, when I stood there and saw it all wiped out, my daughter so distressed at losing her horse, me losing ones I loved, and my husband's pony that he loved and worked with now crippled, and finding him in the woods crying. I could not process all that, there was no way I could "just" fix it either. I tried to hang on and be strong, but it all just overwhelmed me I just could not function. It was like I had managed to stay strong and climb this very challenging mountain, but suddenly with this huge loss, all the footing underneath me on that mountain just gave way and I just fell. Unfortunately, when the rock breaks, people can respond to that in bad ways. That is what happened to me, and there was just no one there to help me, it was more like "how dare that rock break".

You are right, I needed to have a place where I could get away from that entire scenario so I could get physical rest because I was totally physically exhausted, but also have the right help to process it all too. The place that I was taken to was definitely the "wrong" place, it was literally like being taken to "One flew over the cuckoo's nest", it was that bad. I certainly did not need another environment that was hard to process, surrounded by people that were all messed up and on so many different medications constantly being asked how they are doing on their "new" medication, and seeing them not even knowing how to answer that question. And here they are wanting me on meds? The only medication I really needed was something to help me sleep and to actually be allowed to sleep. Well, that is not the place where that happens because in this place they come in your room and check on you every 15 minutes, and every time they did that they woke me up with a startle. Now that I understand trauma and post traumatic stress, that place was only traumatizing an already traumatized person. It doesn't matter how much I am now told it was the wrong place for me to go, because it doesn't change that it was where I went and I was worse when I left there then when I went in. I was also misdiagnosed there as I mentioned. My therapist now has told me that an effort is now being made to train these people that work in these places how to identify a trauma patient, because of how the system isn't a very good system, especially not for trauma patients.

When my husband finally agreed to allow me to come home, remember no one talked to him, he didn't know what a trauma patient was or what post traumatic stress was, he came to pick me up and on the drive home it was clear to me he was "very angry". During that ride home where the anger in him was obvious to me, I realized that somehow, in spite of how I was still exhausted and even more traumatized, that I had to find a way to shove that all aside and get back to addressing all the damaged animals and at least "faking" that old rock that I used to be.

I did go to an out patient psychologist that did not believe the value of the animals I lost. And she also misdiagnosed me. And at least the psychiatrist I saw after her noticed the red flags that I was expressing that said PATIENT HAS PTSD. Unfortunately he decided that because I could not get past the side effects of antidepressants, that maybe I had bipolar, but not manic bipolar. However, that is wrong, just because Rameron made me too nauseous I could not function and a different one made it so I was so sleepy I could not function, and Welbutrin made me feel like I had a boxing match going on in my brain and they also switched it to the generic that is known to not be the same chemicals and can create a bad reaction, none of that means I am bipolar. Especially when at one point years ago when I went through surgery for endometriosis and then was given an inplant of Lupron that ended up depleting me from having any estrogen that sent me into depression, I was treated with Zoloft and estrogen and I slowly got better once they restored the level of estrogen. I stopped taking the Zoloft because I didn't like the sexual side effects. Zoloft is known for the sexual side effects, and lets just say it is uncomfortable and there is no way to get a release because of how Zoloft affects the part of the brain where that ability to have that release takes place. That has nothing to do with bipolar, it's a known side effect for "anyone" .

This psychiatrist tried to talk me into trying all different kinds of drugs. I am so glad I did not because one of the drugs he tried to get me to take was taken off the market. The only drug I finally agreed to take, because I could not sleep due to night terrors, was Klonopin. However, this psychiatrist insisted this drug was not addictive. He insisted it was safe for me and non addictive because I did make it clear to him that I did not want anything that was addictive.

At this point the financial situation was getting bad, our table was just full of bills and we could no longer afford health insurance. I knew it was not fair to my husband to keep seeing the psychiatrist, that was costing even with insurance, and I never could afford to go back to see the psychologist, who I did not know had misdiagnosed me. Even though I was diagnosed with PTSD, I did not understand it would get worse, and I did not understand what PTSD really was, I only thought it meant "deep grief". And still no one talked to my family, who was clearly waiting for the rock to jump back up and fix everything again. What I did have was post traumatic stress.

When my husband "crashed" he was exhausted too, remember, no one talked to him so he really did not understand what was wrong with me. So from his POV, he was there too, tending to the injured, seeing his favorite pony that he took out and worked with that was his third job and really what paid for our insurance, damaged. And he had the unfortunate task of having to dig a hole and bury one very loved pony that died in spite of our efforts, because we both did try to save her, it was also too much for him too. So he actually got what I had needed, a chance to just retreat and sleep. And while he did that I paid the bills with the money I got from finally selling a horse that I managed to get
well again. However, that sale was not really a gain, because I had spent so much on the effort to get him healed, to which is also part of the debt that I am still paying on.

I know that I should be able to get justice for what my neighbors dog did. Unfortunately, that was messed up by the lawyer we had that was not handling my case right, but was also declining mentally with dementia. When it comes to a lawsuit like this, the victim has the burden of proof. Even though both me and my husband witnessed it, that is not enough, what I really needed is to have pictures of it, have it on video, and that is what I constantly see in my mind, oh how I wish I could plug that in and have it play. It is so much harder than people realize to get justice. I will never get anywhere near what I lost either.

I don't really know what to do about my farm and still being next to these creepy people. There is no way I could sell this farm and replace what I have either. If you saw my farm you would understand. I honestly do not know what to do when it comes to the animals I have left either. I still love what I do, but I have not been able to go back in to the riding ring and do lessons and have people come here like I used to. I tend to get too emotional when I go into that riding ring.

When I said I had PTS at first, what happened is that I went through all the stages where a person goes from having post traumatic stress, to developing the full blown post traumatic stress disorder. I wanted to get better, but I just kept getting worse, developing depression, withdrawing more, avoiding more and usually after a major trauma, a professional will talk to the family about looking for the warning signs that a family member is getting worse. That did not happen for me, no one even told me about these signs.

I kept getting worse and trying to fight it, and when I did try to have people over, and my daughter was trying to help with that and work with what I had left, believe it or not another neighbor who was also a policeman, had his electric underground containment system fail too. He kept failing to fix it too, and his dog was starting to come down my driveway, and because my horses and ponies are now terrified of dogs, it was dangerous to have young riders on them. I kept calling the dog warden who kept telling me she talked to him and he fixed the problem, and he didn't. Luckily this time I had one of these riders take a picture of the dog coming down my driveway and I had to go and talk to the police chief. Unfortunately, having to do that and because it took so long to again get that finally resolved, that severely triggered me and made me worse. When my neighbor's dog did so much damage, I could not get the police to come out and the dog warden was out sick for two weeks. When they finally did come out my neighbor had fixed his fence and denied it had been malfunctioning. So I am not happy with the police either.

Anyway, with this new dog situation, and people coming out, and then my daughter went on a vacation and I was left alone, with people coming out and I had to be in the ring more, I did not do well at all. Also at the same time my neighbor who's dog did all that damage was getting intrusive again. I put up a no trespassing sign and he decided he didn't like it and tore it down. I called the police out and they talked to him and he admitted tearing it down because he didn't like it. I wanted to press charges but the police would only give him a warning.

Well, I broke down again, and this time I tried to reach out for help again. I found a man who was supposed to specialize in treating PTSD. He agreed to work with me on a sliding scale too. He seemed really nice at first, and gave me long sessions too. But he tended to shake a lot, get the shivers. He finally told me that he is a recovering heroine addict,
was on a special medication for it, was living at his office, and going through a divorce. Needless to say, that was too strange and triggered me and I honestly do not even know if this man even has the right credentials. So I never went back to see this therapist.

It took me about four years, as I mentioned, to find a good therapist. Bad therapy? Oh, I know all about bad therapy.

Well, Alisha, see this is turning into a novel, and in a thread that is supposed to be yours. I am realizing that there is so much that I have not even talked about here either. My life has been very hard, and the only one that knows how hard is the therapist I have now. My therapist tells me that he doesn't know how I managed to do what I did with all the
bad things that happened to me.

I wish I could put pictures here of the animals I had, what I did with them, how amazingly beautiful my daughter's show horse was too. Well, I don't know how to do that, and I also do not know who might see it all, figure out who I am, and I don't need that.

I appreciate that you were willing to listen and have been so kind.

OE

[Open Eyes]

Alisha,
I am so sorry I went on and on. I am alone this weekend as my husband is away and
with it being a holiday weekend and my neighbors being around, I have been very triggery. You just hit me at rough spot, just asked me enough where I vented. Its much harder when I am alone, when I am out there I worry about that man popping up like he did a few times and caught me off guard when I was alone.

I got one more day to get through, "alone".

Sorry,
OE

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Alisha,
I am so sorry I went on and on. I am alone this weekend as my husband is away and
with it being a holiday weekend and my neighbors being around, I have been very triggery. You just hit me at rough spot, just asked me enough where I vented. Its much harder when I am alone, when I am out there I worry about that man popping up like he did a few times and caught me off guard when I was alone.

I got one more day to get through, "alone".

Sorry,
OE

OE, that is quite alright. I´m glad you got the chance and desire to talk or "write" about what happened to you.

It´s so much. I think someone described PTSD as the story of the human undestroyable will to survive and I think in your story this is really present.

It´s amazing what with all you´ve been through you´re still here and sane
and still did not give up and are getting better.
There´ve been so many misfortunes for you, it´s really not fair.

I wonder why it took so long for you to finally get the right diagnosis,
one would think that all therapists should go through the same training and have to some extent the same knowledge.
Glad that you FINALLY found someone.

Just wondering, if you don´t mind answering, what where all those other therapist trying to diagnose you with?

I feel like even before trauma
you had other difficult situations emotionally, with your husband and your family as you described it and that adds up to it all.

"When my husband finally agreed to allow me to come home, remember no one talked to him, he didn't know what a trauma patient was or what post traumatic stress was, he came to pick me up and on the drive home it was clear to me he was "very angry". During that ride home where the anger in him was obvious to me, I realized that somehow, in spite of how I was still exhausted and even more traumatized, that I had to find a way to shove that all aside and get back to addressing all the damaged animals and at least "faking" that old rock that I used to be. "

What stroke me here is that in my opinion, no matter if someone knows about PTSD or not, one should know better than to treat a person who´s just been released from a psychiatrist ward with anger instead of care and sensitivity.

I can see how your whole situation not just the trauma itself is or was very very difficult.

I´m glad that your husband is sober now and that you found a good therapist at last.

I hope things will turn up for you soon

[Open Eyes]

"I feel like even before trauma
you had other difficult situations emotionally, with your husband and your family as you described it and that adds up to it all." quote Alisha88

Yes Alisha, this is true, I had a lot of difficult challenges before this event that finally just broke me down.

My husband was a binge alcoholic, he could go a while and not drink and drug then go out on a binge. I did not know what that was either. My therapist has described to me exactly what I went through too. A husband will go out and get totally wasted, and in my case not even come home all night, no phones, no cells phones back then either. Then of course I get all upset, an argument, the promise, even begging for forgiveness and how it will not happen again, the honeymoon period where they behave too, then another binge and another big argument and so the cycle goes, again with the promise, the honeymoon period of being good until the next binge takes place.

Meanwhile what the wife does is she tends to try to compensate for feeling unsafe, that the marriage is unpredictable and will often try to make up for it by excessively cleaning the house, trying to make it perfect something has to be there that presents a feeling of control, however, the wife doesn't realize it is compensating. That is exactly what I did too.

The other thing that takes place is how an alcoholic surrounds himself with others who are like him too. Often what happens is the wife is constantly told that it is "her" that has the problem, because look how everyone else has their party time and gets drunk and even drugs sometimes. It is also not unusual for a husband to insist that the wife is the one with the problem and as in my case, I should get help go see someone, I had the problem not him.

It is also not uncommon for the alcoholic to be an alcoholic because he struggles with ADHD or compulsive ADHD, which is the case with my husband. When I was actually trying to get help, this was not really figured out back then. When I tried to reach out for help, therapists/psychiatrists suggested I take valium, maybe I have anxiety, maybe I am depressed, well, I was anxious but not because "I" had the problem. I suffered 10 years this way until an old close friend and I got together, she was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic. She said to me, "If you fight at all about alcohol, there is a problem". She took me to a meeting, and that is when I finally learned about "binge alcoholism".

I had many challenges, even some very difficult health challenges, I even almost died, I had appendicitis where it did not burst but only ruptured a little and leaked toxins throughout my body cavity. I thought I had the flew because it was going around, but the pain got so bad and I got so weak and I could actually feel that I was dying tbh. My husband called an ambulance and when the EMT moved me from my bed onto that hard wooden board, the pain was horrible. I moaned, I was not yelling because I was too weak, but because I moaned the EMT yelled at me to shut the hell up. I will never forget how horrible that EMT was and no one yelled at him for being so mean to me. I was taken to a nearby emergency place, not a hospital, and when they did tests they saw I was in serious condition and had me rushed to the hospital where I was taken right into surgery. When I was on the table, they were getting me ready and the nurse could not find my urethra to put a tube in and she was really angry and mean, I was so embarrassed and that is the last thing I heard/saw and I was under and they had to open up my entire body cavity and move all my organs around to irrigate the toxins out of me. I am actually very lucky to even be alive and they didn't even know if I was going to survive after the surgery.

I have had a lot of bad treatment when it comes to my health issues, people being mean/rude to me. I am now so bad and with the PTSD, I have a terrible time going to see a doctor. My T has found a doctor for me and he talked to her about how bad I am, that I have PTSD and I need to have a GP that can help me with that. I have had too many "bad" things happen concerning my health and doctors that this post would be yet another novel. My new GP spent our first visit just listening to me and told me I should write a book about all the ways I have been treated so badly by health professionals.

My therapist has explained to me that unfortunately, yes, people with PTSD can be misdiagnosed. I actually was talking to him about that this past Tuesday because my medical records are wrong and it has affected how doctors have treated me, something I really don't need on top of already struggling.

My therapist told me that often people who have PTSD can get misdiagnosed as Histonic, Avoidant, Bipolar Disorder, narcissistic Personality Disorder and I can't remember the other ones he said at the moment. It can depend upon what stage someone is in with the PTSD, a person can get diagnosed with depression too because when PTSD is developing the person goes through a stage of depression and withdrawl, I did go through that, so I can see how that can happen. There is a stage in PTSD where the person has a period of feeling ok and even positive, and then will slip into a depressive state, that can be confused with Bipolar disorder.

When a patient presents like I did at the psych ward in a crisis state of mind and are expressing the anger and yet demanding and very protective seemingly very self absorbed, that can lead to a diagnosis of narcissism. It was explained to me that the signs of "trauma" are being misunderstood because the patient is feeling very unsafe and may not want to take drugs and may be too hyper aware and seem irrational and somewhat confused but also insistent. Typically trauma patients are very desperate too. That is what happened to me, and unfortunately I had a psychiatrist that was from India, spoke with a heavy accent, it didn't even occur to me that he would find what I was saying I was so upset about to be "irrational for a woman to be so upset about". I did not even think about "cultural believes" or any of that. I am not the only one who had problems with this psychiatrist either.

You are right, my husband should not have been so mean and short with me when he picked me up. But NO ONE talked to him about me and what trauma patient means. The attitude I got was that I should not have been so upset, I was over reacting and it was a problem to others and was not fair to them. Even my older sister came in to see me at the psych ward and yelled at me. Does that sound like something that should happen to a trauma patient?

Alisha, here is one for you, I had a colonoscopy and during the procedure when they were pulling the scope out and coming through a curve the scope flipped up and hit my spleen causing my spleen to be injured. I was sent home and I did make sure I stayed quiet and rested. Then I went to work on the third day. I had been told I could go to work the day after, but I just made sure I was careful. I began to feel pain, and I began to feel dizzy. By the time I got home the pain was worse and began to concern me. I called the office and got the on call doctor and told him what was going on and he told me to get to an emergency room because sometimes it can mean a perforation took place. By this time I felt I was too dizzy to drive and asked my husband to drive me, he got mad and insisted that I should be fine to drive myself. I insisted and he gave in and drove me to an emergency facility. When I got out of the car and just got in the doors of the building, my legs just gave out under me. My husband stood over me yelling at me to knock it off and get the hell up. OMG, I was so embarrassed Alisha and scared too. They gave me morphine and took me in for an MRI. In this place they send the results to a main hospital and wait for the results. I was the last patient and the staff was getting impatient because it was time to close and they wanted to leave. I was on my third shot of morphine, yet I felt I was inconveniencing everyone around me. Then the phone rang and suddenly the attitude completely changed because they realized I was bleeding internally. They wanted to know who I wanted for a surgeon and I was trying to think through the morphine wanting to remember the surgeon I had that saved my life. I finally remembered his name, but he was not at the hospital this place normally works with. I was put in an ambulance, which was very bouncy, and worried me because of my condition, and these ambulance drivers didn't quite know how to get to the hospital where my surgeon was, so they got lost. My husband was not in the ambulance, so he could not help, he had been following in our car.

I thought that I was going to again be rushed into surgery, and quite frankly I was scared. As I am writing this it occurs to me that I had no one there to comfort or assure me either. I finally get to the hospital and they take me to the ICU, not into surgery. No one talked to me, no one and I waited all night long wondering when I would be taken into surgery. The bazaar thing is not even my own husband said anything to me either. Well, the reason no one would talk to me as I would find out over a month later when I finally "forced" my GP to see me, it because I was hurt in a surgery somewhere else and no one wanted to tell me any thing because they were afraid of being sued. What they did is wait and see if the bleeding would stop on it's own so they would not have to touch someone else's mistake.

Alisha, yes, I have had a lot of bad things happen to me, and it seems I have the worst luck with doctors and treatment professionals too. I was probably very susceptible of developing PTSD. I know I did not have it before, I never struggled as I do now or since I stood there and watched all my ponies and horses, animals I loved so much, worked so hard for, destroyed in front of my eyes.

Again, I sought help from professionals and they failed me. And my husband was not nice and I was treated badly. And then I had a lawyer who was supposed to be really good, and he was really well known too. Unfortunately he was declining in his mental capacity and developing dementia. I kept trying to say something, again my husband did not see it. It got so bad I called several lawyers and unfortunately when they heard his name, they kept telling me to be patient and these lawsuits take time. It took five years and it had to get so bad until I finally found a lawyer who actually knew he was losing it and that yes my case was a mess.

It took me almost 4 years (I probably mentioned this) to find a good therapist. He was trying to help me as I struggled with this lawyer, yet he did not realize just how bad it was. (notice this always happens to me). While I was trying so hard to work with this lawyer who was getting worse and worse and I was trapped and even though I tried to reach out for help, went unheard, that is when the PTSD got so bad that I began to have flashbacks from bad things that happened in my childhood. That totally confused me and began to cripple me. That is when the PTSD began to get very dark, dangerously dark, I felt like no one was going to understand what I was going through.

What I have realized now, is that the reason my childhood came forward like that is because I was in the same kind of situation where I was stuck with someone who had something wrong with him ( my childhood with my older brother who had was a troubled child), a part of me felt sorry for him, but a part of me was scared too, and I did not have enough knowledge to verbally express how bad it was. I had no idea the brain could do that either. I seriously believe that had I not been stuck so long with this lawyer, and had been traumatized by seeing what I loved and worked so hard for destroyed, I would have never had this past come forward in flashbacks and crippling body and emotional memories come forward like they did. I had no idea my brain has all that stored like that either.

I have been badly abused because of how others had things wrong with them. I have been told now "finally" by professionals that I have been an extremely misunderstood person. My husband "finally" has been told that I genuinely suffer. I know he feels really bad, I know he feels badly that he treated me so bad too. My therapist tells me all the time that he is amazed at what I have been through and how I managed to accomplish and function like I did and how strong I was and kept fighting in spite of so much challenge.

All I know is I am very sorry for anyone who struggles with PTSD. I know that in my darkest time I was fortunate to find people who helped through it, some don't even really know it, but they were members here. I think that is why I cant help but keep watch, because I know how hard it can get and how lonely it can get, incredibly lonely and I am just so sorry about that.

OE

[Open Eyes]

When I share how badly I have been treated, especially when I really was genuinely very ill and struggling. I managed to survive and thrive anyway. When it came to the extreme physical challenges, even though I was dismissed or treated badly, there was always that moment when there was an MRI, or results from having a procedure with a scope that showed that I really did have something bad taking place. When it got too painful to walk and I was treated like all I was doing was "complaining or whining for attention somehow" that moment did come when I had surgery and the surgeon finally saw that I really did have a lot of scar tissue and he could not believe how long I went like that either and how "yes" it must have been very painful.

But when I experienced post traumatic stress, that really was the worst. When I really broke, I really, really was suffering so badly. What hurt me was how my family reacted how even the professionals failed me. When someone is so badly traumatized, is it right to visit them, sit across from them at a table and tell them how they better get their act together or they will lose their marriage and their farm? I can't get that day out of my mind to be honest. Is it fair to not even visit me when I am in this creepy place surrounded by people all drugged up and all messed up? Was it fair to have me stay in that place for nine days, eat with a group of strangers on Thanksgiving, not come to see me, because my husband could not get the guns out of our home because I was suicidal, and it WAS SO INCONVENIENT?

I see my records, it was NOT the psych ward that wanted me to stay there all that time, IT WAS MY OWN FAMILY. I am very angry with my sister because the one person that would have seen it and actually comforted me, understood that I lost something I really loved so much, was my mother, but my sister WOULD NOT LET HER VISIT ME. My mother wanted to visit me and my sister insisted on keeping her away, keeping both my parents away.

My Martha Stewart older sister had her holiday gathering like she always did, it was always perfect and it became obvious to me and everyone else for that matter that she needed to have that control. I always went along with that figuring if she needed it so badly, why not let her have it her way, after all everything was always so perfect. I always made sure to compliment her and tell her how wonderful she was too. But she always had to make a joke about how I didn't cook very well and didn't really entertain, even though that only happened because every time I tried, she always had so many reasons "why" it just had to be at her home, she did that with everyone.

While I was in that psych ward so alone on Thanksgiving with no visitor, she had her ritual get together with "my family" and worked her creepy way to "poor OE stay away, none of us can help her, she needs to be in that place". Even my own daughter was swept into thinking that, which is so horrible and so hurtful to me because of how much I did for my child, I really did so much for her in so many ways.

It has only been recently that my daughter see's the reality of my older sister, because even my sister's daughter has told my daughter how my sister really is and keeps her at a distance.

I can't go to these holiday gatherings at my sister's anymore. The PTSD makes it impossible. She doesn't even invite me anyway, but needs to tell my parents that it is "me" that chooses not to come to the gatherings. My parents are too old and I don't want to upset them with the "truth", oh how I wish they were younger so I could tell them the "truth".

The holidays are so incredibly crippling for me. And with this awful PTSD, I don't have that MRI or CT scan to show how bad it really is either. It took over 4 years for me to finally find a therapist that FINALLY at least sat with my husband and told him what I had was serious, real, and often extremely crippling.

My mother and I were always very close, and my mother once told me that my older sister was very jealous of me. I could not figure that out because my older sister IMHO was so beautiful with her long golden hair and how talented she was, making all her own clothes and all the things she could make and do. However, from the get go, she never wanted siblings, she somehow just needed to be the focus of attention with my parents. That never really changed either, even now she hovers over them in their old age, is very controlling, pretends she will welcome help yet ends up pushing help away because it has to always be "her way".

One time I went to visit my mother, it was nice to be alone with her because we were always two peas in a pod. But my mother suffered a stroke in front of me and the next thing I knew she was taken to the emergency room. My sister came in and was incredibly mean to me, it was so bad that the staff could not help but notice. My sister actually blamed me, it was nothing I did, in fact I believe it was because of "her" insistence on having my mother put on anti depressants even though a surgeon who did surgery on my mother's back told her "do not do that". I did question that and from then on, I was not allowed to talk to the doctors or know what medications my mother was taking. And "yes" my sister does use my challenges against me to ensure her control. And unfortunately, the PTSD can cripple me so much that I can't seem to fight back either. The holidays were so bad for me that I ended up in my bed in a ball with too many flashbacks and a crippling headache where it felt like my brain was being squeezed. I don't have an MRI or CT scan to show how real that is either, so I don't get the support I really do deserve.

I did get to a point where I genuinely felt that it would just be better if I was not in the picture. I had NO help and everyone was mad at me. I did talk about wanting to end my life, but that was not enough proof because my husband kept a loaded hand gun in the dresser next to our bed. I honestly came very close to not being here. I do thank god I met Troy here and he explained to me how to get through these extremely hard dark days and bad thoughts that just take over and are so incredibly strong. We made a pact to remove the guns in our homes and that is when I finally told my new therapist how bad it really was. That is when my therapist immediately went into action and had my husband in and told him how bad I really was. It was not an MRI or CT scan but at least it was something that expressed I really was genuinely struggling.

I wish I had that MRI or CT scan, and I wish I could somehow play out the images that play over and over in my mind of that dog destroying everything I loved and worked so hard for. My only saving grace is that at least my husband did see it with me. If I had not had that, I know I would have gone completely mad considering how often my family is so dismissive.

The other crippling challenge is this lawsuit and how on top of everything else I ended up with a lawyer who was mentally incompetent and how I tried so hard to get help and there again it had to get so bad until "finally" someone saw it too. He made such a mess that I may end up losing my case, my new lawyer tried to fix it but now says she should have just let it get thrown out so I would have had a good malpractice case. I have to say that I am having such a hard time trying to process that my neighbor who was so negligent in spite of all my efforts to get them to contain their dogs and even tell them why it was so important and what I was doing on my farm and how valuable my horses and ponies were, they were still negligent. They knew I was serious so they allowed that dog to go out when they figured I would not see it, which was late at night or when I was not home. That negligence caused me so much damage, turned every part of my life up side down in a way I never, in my wildest dreams could ever imagine.

To say I am tired doesn't even come close to expressing how worn out I really am. I feel horrible because I often go for a long time not calling or visiting my parents. I have to be having a good day to be able to call them and talk to them even on the phone. They always ask me "how are you" and that's a hard one because I want so badly to tell them, but they are too old now to understand. I did try to go to Thanksgiving at my sisters "late" to see them, it took a lot of "self talking in my mind to stay strong". I managed to find a quiet spot to sit and talk to my father, got him talking about his experiences in the war, something "away" from him getting anywhere near asking me how I was. While I was talking to him and listening to him intently, my sister entered the room and out of the corner of my eye I could see how she was trying to draw attention to herself and looking over. I could not help but think how sad that was that she would need to do that. My father had a wonderful time, and that was because someone sat and engaged him, listened to him and he always liked that, I always knew that which was "why" we were so close. The next day my sister called me and the conversation was mostly about her need to tell me that what I was doing was something "she did a lot too". Wow, I could not believe how she needed to do that, I didn't point it out, I just did what I had always done and told her how great everything looked and how wonderful she is and supported her need to feel she was just so much better than me. There was a deep sadness in me because of how I always looked up to her and I did love her, I never looked at it ever as some kind of competition. It is just so hard to see the way she looked at it, not loving me as I thought, but just needing to stand out so much as though she needed my parents to see her as the best child somehow. That was not anything I ever needed or even reached for, it never even was a thought that developed in my mind, in fact I feel that when that takes place it just divides a family and it is sad.

I have read/listened to so many sad stories in this forum where different members struggling talk about their families and the dysfunction and how badly it affected them, so much so that they had to disconnect from their families altogether. I can really relate to the challenge of stepping away and learning how to look at it, at each person and the "whys" behind their
unhealthy behaviors that can be abusive and so damaging.

One day my daughter came home to get something and we talked a little bit. She was struggling and distant and looked at me and said to me, "I
(meaning her) have been emotionally abused!). I had enough therapy and time interacting here at PC where I could respond to her "correctly".
I did not even try to defend my own very real challenges. Instead, I looked at her and told her that I loved her and always did, that when she is ready I will sit and listen and hear her out and take on the responsibility for anything I did not do for her. I wanted her to know that "anything" she needed to vent out, would be heard and validated. I know I was a good mother and did everything I could for her, I did go without so she could "have" too. But I could not be there when I was very ill, and I was always very sorry for that because when that did happen, she did not have someone there to comfort her. My husband failed in that role and forget my sister. My daughter was no where near being capable of seeing that
the reason she had times where no one was there for her, never meant she was not loved, but that the person that kept trying to hold it all together "me" was seriously out of commission through no fault of my own. I understand she can't see that "yet" because all she "can" see is her own hurt. And that is another one of my challenges, I certainly have a very "full" plate IRL outside PC. PTSD sure did put a big distance between me and the one person I loved the most in my life, my daughter. It took way too long for her to have anyone
explain it to her too. She never talked to my T, it was just not something she
could do, but at least my husband spent enough time with my T so he could
talk to her about this horrible thing called PTSD and how mom is trying very hard to deal with it's crippling challenges. I know he isn't all that great at it, after all, it is hard for people to understand, but something is better than nothing.

OE

[Open Eyes]

Alisha, I don't know why I am dumping in "your" thread. I think it is because you have asked me questions, and the topic was "therapy help". So many times I have wanted to start a thread but as you can see, there is just so much that I just didn't know where to even start. For quite some time I have gone to the special member forum to try to vent, only to sit there not even knowing where to begin or even if I could find the energy to put anything down.

I rarely post "my" problems in this forum but instead try to help others. That is my typical MO. It has been trained into me over many years. For example, if I talk to my sister, she can talk for a long time as long as I am comforting and complimenting and listening to "her", if I want to end the conversation, all I have to do is begin to talk about "my challenges", then she needs to go and do something or pretend she has a call coming in or find some excuse to just have to go. I decided to do an experiment one day to prove it to myself, she talked for about two hours as long as I comforted and complemented "her" and made sure I bought up every "positive" I could think of about her. Oh, she really enjoyed the conversation, and then because it was going so well, I decided to talk about me, sure enough, I was right, she was so sorry but she had to go.

It is strange how someone can have "family" all around them yet when they really need to talk, when they are overflowing from holding so very much in, they have to pay for someone to finally listen, we call these people "therapists". I know I am not the only one challenged this way, the Psychotherapy forum is full of people who want to tell, but hold back fearing a therapist will judge them poorly or somehow think they are bad or selfish, or maybe somehow desert them.

I have been told many times that I should have been a therapist, by therapists. I find it so sad, because of how truly valuable "knowing how to actually listen" seems to be. One day I had a child psychologist, who was also a prestigious college professor come out to my farm with her granddaughter. I didn't realize what she was, but I knew she was some kind of doctor. I had her grandchild on one of my ponies and we walked around my riding ring and I watched this woman interact with her grand child. I knew by her demeanor that she was the kind of person who needed to have control. I watched her constantly telling this child to sit up, over and over again. Finally, she asked me to take over because the child was not listening to her and I stopped the pony and talked to the child and asked her if she liked princesses and if she would like to be one. So basically I gave the "control" to the child and we talked all about princesses and how they sit up and how they ride ponies because after all, she wants to be a princess right? Well, I never told her what to do, I only reminded her of what "she" wanted. That is basic common sense to me, but apparently it was ground breaking and I am very gifted and should be a child psychologist.

It just surprises me how someone can spend so much time studying and teaching psychology and not really know what I consider the basics. I don't know how someone can even think of becoming a parent without
understanding that basic either. A child does so many different things, even bad things, loud things, annoying things, whiny things, might even hit a parent, why? Because, they just want someone to "listen".

Well, I understand you are trying online therapy right? You are trying to heal it is what "you" want right? Well I think it is "good to learn" but it is also good to be "heard" too. We live in a world where too many people do not know how to "listen". So, it is "ok" if you need to at least come to PC and vent because while PTSD is genuinely a challenge, it is also very important the person struggling is "heard" too.

Someone once asked me why my posts are long. I wasn't really sure "why", did not have an answer until just recently. I know another member that writes long posts too and she is really nice, and even caring.
But as I was reading her posts and her challenges I noticed the constant theme in her life, similar to mine in some ways, she was a person who had
a very hard time being heard. Especially in some significant situations where it was very important she be heard.

There are many times when I see someone post and they are really struggling. At the end of their post they tend to either apologize or
say they appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through their post.

As you can see, I have done that too.

OE

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Alisha, I don't know why I am dumping in "your" thread. I think it is because you have asked me questions, and the topic was "therapy help". So many times I have wanted to start a thread but as you can see, there is just so much that I just didn't know where to even start. For quite some time I have gone to the special member forum to try to vent, only to sit there not even knowing where to begin or even if I could find the energy to put anything down.

I rarely post "my" problems in this forum but instead try to help others. That is my typical MO. It has been trained into me over many years. For example, if I talk to my sister, she can talk for a long time as long as I am comforting and complimenting and listening to "her", if I want to end the conversation, all I have to do is begin to talk about "my challenges", then she needs to go and do something or pretend she has a call coming in or find some excuse to just have to go. I decided to do an experiment one day to prove it to myself, she talked for about two hours as long as I comforted and complemented "her" and made sure I bought up every "positive" I could think of about her. Oh, she really enjoyed the conversation, and then because it was going so well, I decided to talk about me, sure enough, I was right, she was so sorry but she had to go.

It is strange how someone can have "family" all around them yet when they really need to talk, when they are overflowing from holding so very much in, they have to pay for someone to finally listen, we call these people "therapists". I know I am not the only one challenged this way, the Psychotherapy forum is full of people who want to tell, but hold back fearing a therapist will judge them poorly or somehow think they are bad or selfish, or maybe somehow desert them.

I have been told many times that I should have been a therapist, by therapists. I find it so sad, because of how truly valuable "knowing how to actually listen" seems to be. One day I had a child psychologist, who was also a prestigious college professor come out to my farm with her granddaughter. I didn't realize what she was, but I knew she was some kind of doctor. I had her grandchild on one of my ponies and we walked around my riding ring and I watched this woman interact with her grand child. I knew by her demeanor that she was the kind of person who needed to have control. I watched her constantly telling this child to sit up, over and over again. Finally, she asked me to take over because the child was not listening to her and I stopped the pony and talked to the child and asked her if she liked princesses and if she would like to be one. So basically I gave the "control" to the child and we talked all about princesses and how they sit up and how they ride ponies because after all, she wants to be a princess right? Well, I never told her what to do, I only reminded her of what "she" wanted. That is basic common sense to me, but apparently it was ground breaking and I am very gifted and should be a child psychologist.

It just surprises me how someone can spend so much time studying and teaching psychology and not really know what I consider the basics. I don't know how someone can even think of becoming a parent without
understanding that basic either. A child does so many different things, even bad things, loud things, annoying things, whiny things, might even hit a parent, why? Because, they just want someone to "listen".

Well, I understand you are trying online therapy right? You are trying to heal it is what "you" want right? Well I think it is "good to learn" but it is also good to be "heard" too. We live in a world where too many people do not know how to "listen". So, it is "ok" if you need to at least come to PC and vent because while PTSD is genuinely a challenge, it is also very important the person struggling is "heard" too.

Someone once asked me why my posts are long. I wasn't really sure "why", did not have an answer until just recently. I know another member that writes long posts too and she is really nice, and even caring.
But as I was reading her posts and her challenges I noticed the constant theme in her life, similar to mine in some ways, she was a person who had
a very hard time being heard. Especially in some significant situations where it was very important she be heard.

There are many times when I see someone post and they are really struggling. At the end of their post they tend to either apologize or
say they appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through their post.

As you can see, I have done that too.

OE

OpenEyes, it´s okay. I can understand. You´ve been through an awful lot, it´s understandable that you need to talk about it, and talk it out.

Wow, it is really a lot

I really feel like the people around you are/were very damaging to you.
Trauma or not.

I really hope that your husband is treating you better now.
Not knowing about trauma is no excuse to be treating or talking to a loved one in that way.

"Even my older sister came in to see me at the psych ward and yelled at me. Does that sound like something that should happen to a trauma patient? "

Again, no, of course not. However, it doesn´t sound like something that should happen to ANYone who is struggling enough to be in psych ward, really.

I don´t know what it is with your sister that makes her so hateful towards you, it´s strange. I think it´d be good to get away from this damaging person.

You say you´re exhausted now, that is very understandable.
If I could, I´d try to get away from it all for some time to get some rest.

You say you had a good relationship to your parents but your sister didn´t "let" them see you.
She seems very controlling.

I think to truely heal we must stop whatever is still continuing to damage us in the present so that we have enough strength and calm to gain a new perspective and recover.

It´s why I personally have stopped meeting my sister 2 years ago, we only emailed for a while and I stopped speaking to my mother too.

I have never regret it and that is when the I have made the most progress
and ability to gain some self-confidence back.

I know I need to get to a point where I can accept what happened to me and the way they treated me, be able to look at that straight in the eye, be able to understand WHY and be okay with it, because I´m moving on and engaging in what I want to do with people who´ll treat me better.