[SkyWhite]

Bad emotional stuff came up yesterday and I lost control. Had a few drinks and so on. emailed T. he got my nurse practitioner to call me, talk me through it and get me to hospital. After 6 hours, I was discharged with suicidal thoughts. I guess if they admitted everyone with suicidal thoughts the psyche ward would be packed to the ceiling.

The pdoc at the hosp said I had a good team on my side and he'll send them a report and recommend a possible med change. now I'm wondering if that "good team" is going to think I'm a huge pain in the a-- and cut me loose. Anytime this has happened in the past, my biggest fear is that my T will give up on me, be angry, reject me, etc. I'm still waiting for him to call me today or email. I guess he'll get to me when he can. I'm not his only client.

I am so drained and confused I can hardly think straight. Even the TV triggers me, so I turned it off. I feel very fragile. But this small crisis has made me rethink how I manage all these things. It's a learn-as-you-go kind of thing, I guess.

[MotownJohnny]

Well, they aren't very professional if they abandon a patient in crisis - the time when their professional services are most in need, their skills are most attuned to problem solving, and their attention should be focused on doing what they are trained - and paid - to do.

If you think this is something they might do, whether it's just an unfounded fear of yours, or based on something you have heard or seen out of them, I would just bluntly ask them - you have a right to know who is treating you and what your treatment plan will be, and that includes continuity of care in the event that a provider is no longer able to serve you.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Well, they aren't very professional if they abandon a patient in crisis - the time when their professional services are most in need, their skills are most attuned to problem solving, and their attention should be focused on doing what they are trained - and paid - to do.

You're right Motown. I should just tell my T how I'm feeling but I'm afraid to at the risk of seeming childish. I have really serious abandonment issues and he probably won't be surprised. He's has never seemed annoyed with me when I slip into my old behaviors, more worried than anything. And that's also the thing, I don't want to worry him even though I know it's his job. Is that weird? These are huge fears of mine and I really have to learn to trust that he's equipped to handle his job and I shouldn't worry about his feelings, because it's all about me, right?

I was wondering if anyone else has these kinds of abandonment feelings.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Sky,
Yes I know about those feelings; and although I am not 'cured', I am a lot better than I
was at beginning. This has been mainly down to
doing work on my self-esteem,and inner-child.
The self-esteem work has been my life-belt,and I
don't feel a child in a world of adults now. If you'd
like some book titles message me,its no problem.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[JaneC]

Skywhite....I was overwhelmed with fear that my T would leave me. We are over 18 months in, and still at difficult times they resurface and it is all I can think about! But once I finally talked about it with my T, well, firstly he was not surprised and secondly he has spent some genuine time and care to reassure me that this won't happen(unless he dies or has to move away, and thats anoter whole story!).

By talking about it with him it took some of the power out of the feeling, and each time I talk it reduces a bit more. I even ask him from time to time if he is annoyed with me and he never is. I tell him he ought to be sometimes, as that may be easier for me to understand and deal with than him being a constant kind presence in the room! Go figure......

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I even ask him from time to time if he is annoyed with me and he never is. I tell him he ought to be sometimes, as that may be easier for me to understand and deal with than him being a constant kind presence in the room! Go figure......

I know how you feel. I've become so used to s--t and abuse the kindness can feel foreign. I'm starting to get more used to it now and it feels nice.

I can't have him even pretend to be annoyed at me right now, because I'll totally dissociate. I'm still too vulnerable. A couple of months into my therapy I thought he was mad at me and I completely dissociated. I could barely walk out of the session when it was over because I was so disoriented. 6 days later I was in the hospital for being suicidal.

I am super, super sensitive to the slightest hint of disapproval: facial expressions, body language, vocal tones are hyper-vigilantly observed. I think I really have to chill out, lol.

[infoonptsd]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

I know how you feel. I've become so used to s--t and abuse the kindness can feel foreign. I'm starting to get more used to it now and it feels nice.

I can't have him even pretend to be annoyed at me right now, because I'll totally dissociate. I'm still too vulnerable. A couple of months into my therapy I thought he was mad at me and I completely dissociated. I could barely walk out of the session when it was over because I was so disoriented. 6 days later I was in the hospital for being suicidal.

I am super, super sensitive to the slightest hint of disapproval: facial expressions, body language, vocal tones are hyper-vigilantly observed. I think I really have to chill out, lol.

Oh my goodness!! I am not glad to hear you have to deal with this, but I am so glad to hear I am not the only one that feels that way. Just reading your post and the thought of upsetting mine made my chest tighten again and it is not even a possibility while i set at this computer.

Does anybody know if this is a PTSD thing or just a sensitivity thing?

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by infoonptsd

Oh my goodness!! I am not glad to hear you have to deal with this, but I am so glad to hear I am not the only one that feels that way. Just reading your post and the thought of upsetting mine made my chest tighten again and it is not even a possibility while i set at this computer.

Does anybody know if this is a PTSD thing or just a sensitivity thing?

I'm sorry that triggered you infoonptsd. This is a complex PTSD thing and also comes with BPD. I haven't been officially diagnosed with either of these yet because they're not sure which one I have or if I have both. I'm also ++sensitive.

It's difficult to manage the abandonment panic, but it subsided a bit when I learned to trust him. When I'm in crisis like Tuesday, I become super attached emotionally. I feel like I'm 3 yrs old all over again and wanting to hang on to his leg for safety...LOL. Good thing I don't actually do it. Or sometimes I feel like climbing on his lap and going to sleep. This is all from childhood trauma and neglect. He is fully aware of the dependency.

[infoonptsd]

Oh Sky, you didn't do ANYTHING dear. Mine is similar to you and from childhood and I so understand your every word. Even what you just wrote about how you feel in sessions. I am SOOOOO afraid that he will notice that I feel the exact same way as you do. I want so badly to just cry in there and ask him to make it all better. I am so worried that he will figure it out and start explaining how I have to do this on my own and boundaries and all of that stuff so I am trying to keep those feelings so tucked away.

It is amazing how helpful these boards are at clarity though. I was posting the other day that I just don't know how to tell what is wrong with me and if it really is PTSD. I know I still don't have a concrete answer, but just typing this response to you took everything I had not to start bawling (not a trigger, please dont worry. It was just hearing other people say and do what I feel makes me realize that I am NOT making this all up in my head).

Thank you so very much for being open and saying how you feel.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by infoonptsd

Oh Sky, you didn't do ANYTHING dear. Mine is similar to you and from childhood and I so understand your every word. Even what you just wrote about how you feel in sessions. I am SOOOOO afraid that he will notice that I feel the exact same way as you do. I want so badly to just cry in there and ask him to make it all better. I am so worried that he will figure it out and start explaining how I have to do this on my own and boundaries and all of that stuff so I am trying to keep those feelings so tucked away.

He probably already knows you have those feelings. Talking about it can be good because it'll be all out in the open. And remember, you CAN cry in there and he will help you make at least some of it better. He doesn't expect you to do it all by yourself, that's why he's there. We just can't sit on their laps or hug their legs, lol.

It took me awhile but recently I just blurted out "I AM dependent on you!" I couldn't believe I even said it. He didn't say anything because he gets it. A couple of months ago I told him I wanted someone to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay and he said the dreaded, "You have to learn to do that for yourself" line. I didn't like it, but I survived.

[infoonptsd]

Originally Posted by SkyWhite

He probably already knows you have those feelings. Talking about it can be good because it'll be all out in the open. And remember, you CAN cry in there and he will help you make at least some of it better. He doesn't expect you to do it all by yourself, that's why he's there. We just can't sit on their laps or hug their legs, lol.

It took me awhile but recently I just blurted out "I AM dependent on you!" I couldn't believe I even said it. He didn't say anything because he gets it. A couple of months ago I told him I wanted someone to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay and he said the dreaded, "You have to learn to do that for yourself" line. I didn't like it, but I survived.

Oh man Sky. I understand the philosophy behind it, but at this point if I heard those words from him I would curl up in a fetal position and bawl... LOL (not really funny). That would probably be why I have NOOOOOO intention of letting it out there at all!

Again though, thank you for putting it out there in the open. I'm not as ashamed of it as I was. I appreciate that.