[JaneC]

So I spoke a couple or so weeks ago about buying a workbook to use alongside therapy to help me work through my trauma and move forward with life.

It finally arrived from the States today(gee that took longer than they said it would!). So I started reading, through the intro and into the first chapter and already I have had a variety of emotions surfacing. UGH!!

I think I am already feeling a bit overwhelmed, and this book right now is not a good idea. I just feel like it will all be too much. I want to run a mile from this hard stuff. I've made a couple of posts about it in the therapy forum over the last week or so....

It is also quite possible that this reaction is classic avoidance.

I just know that with the anger I had been experiencing, the avoidance of even contemplating a feeling of helplessness....and the associated mess that has ensued with my T.....has me exhausted and overwrought.

I want to cry but can't ask need to get back to spending time with my boy(he wants to beat me again at connect 4)......but I feel a need to hide away, curl in a ball, and be gone from this life.

The thought of making a start with this workbook is just too much!!! A flick through and seeing some of the topics and activities being asked to complete...........scares the crap outta me!

[Open Eyes]

Is this the PTSD workbook Jane? I did not have one myself but a T I had before the one I have now gave me some pages to fill out. At the time I found it a bit much so I understand how you might feel.

How about seeing if it covers coping methods and concentrate on that first?

[JaneC]

Thanks OE, and HI.

Oh it's called Finding Life Beyond Trauma, an ACT based workbook, so yep for PTSD

Yes, it starts with basics of explaining trauma and ACT principles and dispelling some myths about trauma. That has me triggered already. Then it goes in to coping strategies in chapter 2 I think.

I've put it down. Will talk it over with my T maybe. He recommended it, but doesn't know I have bought it, too much has gotten I the way since we last talked about it.

[JaneC]

Yep just exhausted and can't stop going over and over in my head about my last few sessions and all the memories that seem just under the surface. The idea of working through this book is quite distressing......

Seems sleep will be a looooooooong way off tonight. At least I don't have to be up early, although I'll loose an hour as our clocks go forward tonight.

[splitimage]

I'm using a workbook called "Life after trauma" it starts really slow and says frequently that if you're getting triggered to stop.

But I'm doing it with my T. I do a little bit each week, and then discuss it with her.

I wouldn't dream of trying to do a workbook on trauma on my own without support.

splitimage

[MotownJohnny]

Hey, I'm up for it - I just downloaded it. I think we could form a group of whoever wants to try it, and work through it together and have a lot of mutual support that way. What do you think?

Also, I really do like the brainspotting technique. There are a lot of self-help resources now on that - honestly it is something you can do on your own with just a little initial education about the technique. It's pretty easy once you get the concept, and a lot of people find it is something they already do intuitively, they just didn't know it has a name. So check that out.

[Open Eyes]

I think one of the core challenges with PTSD in a lot of people is how they survived by learning to do things "their own way" so their "healing" needs to be that way too. I saw a diagram of the brain and how PTSD affects the brain and it helped me to understand it better. It showed how the PTSD brain reacts to things verses the average brain and how the brain with PTSD is not working in as much unity. That link presented in a thread having a psychology question about BPD vs PTSD, had near the end a discussion about how PTSD has been observed in the brain and it made sense to me in how I have tried to verbalize the way I feel challenged. It makes more sense now about triggers and cycles and being patient until after I experience it and settle down so I can think about it and figure it out better. For example, you were triggered by a word Jane, it made you angry even right? Well, if you look at the diagram and see how the PTSD brain reacts differently, it would help you realize that the word you reacted to just was something that caused your brain to be challenged and it will take your reasoning part of your brain to sort through that so that you don't experience that kind of reaction.

Because they now have this information, they can develop better therapies to help the person understand this and manage it better. It makes even more sense that a patient feel "safe" with the therapist too, because that way triggers can be worked through without the added "stress" of another person adding in their opinion about whatever it is that challenges the patient.

It now makes more sense to me "why" I would have a need to repeat the entire story when I discover a new piece too. Without my even knowing I had been trying to find a way to correct how my brain was having such a hard time reacting to things like I used to be able to do in more unison.

So, it is like knowing how to count from 1 to 20 without much thought or emotion, it's easy. But, when PTSD takes place as a result from a Trauma of some kind that requires a lot more thought because of how the "trauma" came as a surprise and interfered with the way the brain used to be able to count without much thought, that had been something the brain learned how to do "in unison", the brain doesn't "just" see those numbers in unison, it is now confused. How would one "fix" that? Well, the person would have to figure out how the numbers got confused and then "practice" putting those numbers back together "slowly" so that eventually a "new" unison can be developed.

That is why the workbook you have was developed. It is an effort to help a patient find where these numbers got mixed up and slowly put them back in order and help their brain find more "unison" again. However, the key is that it does have to be done "slowly". I can see how anyone would be "intimidated" by it.

We talk about developing a "wise mind" Jane, well, that is what you are learning how to do, have a part of yourself that is willing to be non-judgmental and patient while you slowly discover the things that your brain gets challenged by so that you can slowly understand whatever is disorganized and help yourself learn how to slowly bring it all together better so that you can slowly develop more "unison" when a reminder happens to take place.

It is important to keep the wise mind in an understanding that all troubled memories/challenges are basically "frozen" in time to where the person was only reacting based on what that person "knew" at the time too. Also, at the time the person was challenged, it is really important to understand that at the time the person did "not" have any knowledge of an outcome. Every single person that has an experience that did not come out in a positive manner will always be able to look back being able to see the end result and will have to realize that while they can see what they "could have done better", they are only "learning" about what happened and what they could have done different, the person can never "re-do", but only "learn" instead. This is why people are attracted by observing and reading about different human challenges too. We are designed to "learn" in order to prevent and thrive. Our human history is "full" of all kinds of "stories" of events and how each event was handled and what happened and what was learned from whatever happened. And there has always been "cultural" designs on "how life is supposed to be lived" too. Well, looking back on human history, guess what, we can see how certain "cultural designs" were sometime very archaic and
not very "healthy" even. For example, in one of the threads I posted the way women in the 50's were treated and how they were held responsible if unhappiness was taking place in their marriages. Well, women were definitely told out right "stupid" things Jane, they were basically "blamed" for any dysfunction and even told to "accept abuse" too. These cultural messages are looked upon "now" as really wrong and basically told women to "enable" abusive treatments towards them by their husbands. Women were basically instructed to be "submissive" and that if things were bad, it was their fault, oh that is just "insane" isn't it? However, these messages were handed down by the women of that generation, it was part of how they learned how to count from 1-20. We can actually see it when women who struggle "feel guilty" even now.

My mother is 90 and I can see how she struggled so much, the dysfunction she dealt with and felt that she had to be submissive even when she felt it was wrong. I also see the rules she lived by and believed to be the "right way" to manage a home too. I remember how things changed and how she wanted to embrace some freedoms too, and how much my father "hated" that and kept trying to rein her into submission. Well, I give my mother "credit" because she was a fighter and tried to find ways to "be her own person" anyway. I lucked out because of how my mother encouraged me to "be my own person" too. However, I have noticed how others had mothers that insisted their choices and opinions had to also be the "opinions and desires" of their children too. I have noticed that in how you have discussed how your mother is that type even telling you how wrong you are to not have the kind of dishes "she" feels are what you should have.
Yes, from what you have discribed of your childhood, you had to follow along with "her" way instead of being given the right to develop "your own way". That is something you are going to have to learn how to overcome because that does upset your rythms. That takes "time" Jane. It takes "time" to understand that your mother's behaviors never meant you were "unworthy" to have the right to your own choices. The truth is, she only learned how to count her own 1-20 and never realized her true job as a good mother was to help you develop your "own way" of counting 1-20 and she would love you anyway in a whole hearted accepting way.

We want our families to "love and see us and be understanding" in a true nurturing way.
It really takes time to understand "why" they fail us. I have seen this challenge in every single person who is struggling in this forum. And it never means any of us were ever "unworthy". Every single member I have met has had a hard time with this challenge and finding their way towards gaining ground in overcoming how this kind of "dyfunction" has hurt them in ways they did not realize too.

We all discribe the "wolf that seems to chase us", and in healing, we have to develop our "wise" mind to stop and turn around and face that wolf. That takes "time" and "patience" to do, but the goal is to finally understand, and gain on slowly developing our own healthier way of counting 1-20 in spite of whatever "history" we have that confused that "right".

Jane, while this link was posted in another thread I am posting it again here. When you view this, I feel that it is important to make sure you pay attention to the end where he discusses the way PTSD is shown in the brain and think about what I have said here too. My aim is to help you understand it with your wise mind better so that when you struggle and get triggered, you understand it better and continue to make the efforts to develop "gradually" whatever has been confused in your own mind so that your brain can slowly regain a more unison way of reacting when you experience a trigger.

((Hugs))
OE

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by splitimage

I'm using a workbook called "Life after trauma" it starts really slow and says frequently that if you're getting triggered to stop.

But I'm doing it with my T. I do a little bit each week, and then discuss it with her.

I wouldn't dream of trying to do a workbook on trauma on my own without support.

splitimage

Thanks! I remember reading another time you mentioned this book, and I looked in to it. In fact I found a full copy of it on the net, a bit dodgy as it was free, and showed it to my T. He thought it was good.

A few weeks later he mentioned the book I now have, as he favours ACT and thought this one may suit me also.

I will talk it over with T, how I felt upset already. I think I am just too overly sensitive.....I have hidden all of this away for so long!

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

Hey, I'm up for it - I just downloaded it. I think we could form a group of whoever wants to try it, and work through it together and have a lot of mutual support that way. What do you think?

Also, I really do like the brainspotting technique. There are a lot of self-help resources now on that - honestly it is something you can do on your own with just a little initial education about the technique. It's pretty easy once you get the concept, and a lot of people find it is something they already do intuitively, they just didn't know it has a name. So check that out.

I was going to download it too...but my boy uses my tablet, and also, I liked the idea of having a book to hold and physically write in. There a LOTS of written exercises.

I think it is all good that we can all support each other if working through a book. I just think also that probably we would all work through it at different paces, and we need to be mindful of this. One thing I was prone to, was getting a book, reading it cover to cover and not actually DOING the work. My T told me that I should not rush something like this, and that for it to be useful I would actually need to DO the exercises.

I wanted to share that, as I think it is vital......especially if anyone is like me and feels the urge to excel and do it first fastest best(perfectionism I think they call it).........I need to break that habit or it wont work!!

I must look into the brainspotting also.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Jane, while this link was posted in another thread I am posting it again here. When you view this, I feel that it is important to make sure you pay attention to the end where he discusses the way PTSD is shown in the brain and think about what I have said here too. My aim is to help you understand it with your wise mind better so that when you struggle and get triggered, you understand it better and continue to make the efforts to develop "gradually" whatever has been confused in your own mind so that your brain can slowly regain a more unison way of reacting when you experience a trigger.

((Hugs))
OE

Thank you for your post, there was so much in it.

I watched the clip and did find it interesting. I've seen other clips and read studies and talked about with my T how the brain of someone who has suffered trauma functions very differently. We have talked about why both of us do not think traditional CBT works for me and for those who have experienced trauma. I agree with you, that using the wise mind techniques and developing that is important.

I also wanted to say, please do not take my expressions of my emotions feelings and distress here as the only thing that is happening for me. I find that experiencing my emotions, not shutting them down and hiding from them and beginning to allow myself to actually feel them is something quite new to me. It was and often still is completely overwhelming. I am sure it is not news to many trauma sufferers, but I was completely shut off from my emotions for most of my life. In as much as if I had an emotion it was sudden, I had no control and then I very quickly shut it off. I also never allowed myself to experience the deep emotional pain that is inside of me. I am still struggling with that....... a lot.

So, it is new for me to express emotions and their impact on me and show this to others......and that is what I think I am doing here, practising expressing what is going on for me. But that is not isolated from the bigger picture of the other thinking I do around them, and with managing them.

I feel so grateful that there is a place that I can come and do this, and get fantastic feedback from those who have been there done that and have more knowledge than I do and are willing to share it with me.

(((((OE))))) I can not thank you enough for your kind willingness to share your knowledge with me, and others. It is so wonderful to read your insights.

[Open Eyes]

You are welcome Jane, if I learn anything from my own healing journey I do my best to share it. I know how hard it is for a while and I try to think about what would have helped me more at the time. I was somewhat rushed when I posted this morning, lol run on sentences galore, I am surprised you were able to follow it all.

I think it is great that you share your emotional challenges here, I can see how your other family members discourage it, and I am so sorry you have experienced that. I was lucky that my mother always "listened" to whatever I shared of my emotional challenges, I know that is important. I miss that because in all my challenge with PTSD, my mother had her challenges and then had a stroke and developed dementia. I know that my mother would have had an open mind if I had a chance to tell her about PTSD. My mother always told me I am strong, she believes in me and I can beat this. I don't know where my mother got it from because her mother was "cold" towards her, not loving at all. My mother would never think of critiquing my dishes, instead she would find out what I liked and make it a point to add to it.

I think that when a person is with the right people and can really "share" their emotions, it makes all the difference in the world. There has not been anything you have shared that I think is "unreasonable" either. I know you have things you look back on and don't like how you reacted, but honestly, I am sure if I sat and listened to your experiences I would be able to "understand". See, when we sit with another person and learn how they count from 1-20, it is easy to understand the "whys" behind whatever ways they responded to different situations they were presented with.

Healing Jane from "trauma" or even many traumas is like suddenly being handed an arubix cube, pretty damn hard to figure it out, get one side to match but not the others.
However, if you have someone show you the formula for doing it, and you practice it, you would be able to do it really easily after a while.

I raised a daughter who is challenged with dyslexia. I had to learn how her brain worked, and it is different from mine. My daughter has a high IQ, but she doesn't like clutter, well her brain does best when things are simple and she has learned that about herself and keeps her environment simple. One thing I had to help her with is how she used to be so hard on herself when she made mistakes or struggled to do what her mind pictured. My daughter counts from 1-20 differently, it's ok, doesn't have to be like me or anyone else for that matter.

As far as sharing your history is concerned, you don't have to share "every" detail, you only need to pay attention to what is important, what comes up that challenges you emotionally.

As you well know by now, it can be "inconvenient", but while it is inconvenient, keep yourself doing things as you are "in the now" too.

((Hugs))
OE

[ChipperMonkey]

I LOVE that book, and ACT skills are great! I think that maybe you should skip past the trauma stuff and jump into learning the skills. Nobody says you have to read the chapters in sequential order.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I LOVE that book, and ACT skills are great! I think that maybe you should skip past the trauma stuff and jump into learning the skills. Nobody says you have to read the chapters in sequential order.

Funnily enough, I need to do the trauma stuff now. Like....NOW!! But it is terrifying.

I like ACT, and have learned skills(not so great at always using them), and simply love the part where you use your personal values to guide your action to achieve the life you want. I like the Russ Harris book, The Happiness Trap, and he has some great worksheets on his website......but the first time I looked at them, I scared the living bejeezus out of myself!!!!!!!! (triggered much!).

I have stumbled though, at the first exercise. I again picked this book up this morning and tried a bit more reading.....only to come to a section asking me to name my strengths so far on this journey. Can't.....or rather is it that I won't allow myself to recognise any. I put the book away again. SIIIIIIIIIGH. I mean I haven't even got to the 'hard' parts.

[SecondSkin]

Jane, I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't know any history of what you're dealing with. But I wanted to thank you (and Open Eyes) for this post. I might have to be brave and order this book for myself. It'll probably trigger the crap out of me, but I'm starting to realize that might be necessary.
Good luck with the work in the book!

Maybe y'all could work on it in the therapist's office?

It doesn't stop it from being overwhelming and triggering altogether, but it's easier to deal with the emotions that come up when you've got a supportive ally sitting right there with you to help you through them.

This is what me and my therapist do, because I explained to her that I'd already dealt with it alone and on my own when I was living in that hell hole I grew up in and that I don't want to have to face it alone and on my own all over again because it's just too overwhelming!

I hope you find a solution that's helpful for you as well.