[GeminiNZ]

Have really crashed this week. Too many triggers on top of too many stressors and not enough energy to contain it all. So tired of flashbacks and pain and physio and everything neck-related.

At least i don't have physio tomorrow. It feels like really good timing that i get to skip a session when i'm so wound up and worn down.

And i had a mostly gentle, care-filled therapy session. T was kind and supportive, we put some safety plans in place for the long weekend (with help from my care manager), and i have a couple of special things from T to hold onto.

Now i just need to sleep.

[GeminiNZ]

Only lasted a couple of hours at work today. My arm is aching, i'm so anxious i can't think straight, and i just could not hold myself together any longer. Cried all the way home.

It's okay in the respect that i work part-time and can do some extra hours later in the week - but even that feels like too much to manage. But it's not okay in the respect that this job has been a real positive in my life and getting back to it after the holidays was supposed to be helpful, but it just feels like one more big thing i can't manage.

Feel like i'm really losing the plot and i don't know how to fix it.

[JaneC]

I don't have any answers for you right now Gem, so sorry I wish I did. I do think it's great that you went in, and that you lasted for a couple of hours. Well done......just keep building on that hun.

I went to a work meeting today, and left in a complete mess. They didn't know, but internally I was a wreck. My anxiety is killing me! I wish I were able to cry today, I guess it would release some of the tension. So I can empathise with your day.

You are not losing the plot, although I know it feels like it, I feel it too.......we are just going through a really really tough patch. You will come out the other side, at least that is what I am hoping for......for both of us.


(sorry if none of that made sense)

[Bluegrey]

Gemini and Jane, you both have jobs - so well done and give yourselves credit for that.

I know how hard it can be to deal with things at work or anywhere else when you're at the point of having had enough even before you start the day. I used to tell myself I could do it over and over on the way in. (I've had to stop work at least for now, because of the rheumatoid arthritis.)

Again, I'm sorry I don't have answers for either of you, but send you both supportive ((((hugs)))).

Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

I feel so ashamed. How i can be falling apart so badly over so little when as a little kid i had to cope with so much? It doesn't make sense.

[Bluegrey]

I keep thinking the same, Gemini. I don't know either, unless it's all cumulative - we are having to deal now with current stuff as well as all the old stuff.


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Reached a new low with physio yesterday. Was already anxious anyway, and then the bus broke down briefly on the way there, and the traffic was heavy, and time was ticking away and I became increasingly afraid i was going to be late (big trigger - i was hit if i was even one minute late home from school). Desperately ran through grounding strategies, but nothing was working.

Got off the bus, ran across four lanes of traffic, rushed in to the physio dept., apologising profusely to the receptionist for being late. My physio came out and immediately suggested we go sit in a private room. I kept saying i was sorry for being late, and she kept assuring me that i wasn't actually late, and even if i was it would be okay, but for ages i just couldn't take in what she was saying. Was terrified i was in trouble and going to be punished for it. Broke down, and sat, curled up small, sobbing and shaking and dissociating.

S. was calm and composed, and also incredibly supportive and kind. Ended up being there for nearly two hours and didn't do any physio at all. Once I was in a more present state (although still floating at times), we just sat and talked and drank tea, and I cried a lot. (i have no idea what she did about her other clients??) Among other things, S. said she feels the neuro appointment was devastating, both in terms of his behaviour and the outcome, and coming on top of everything else, she's not at all surprised i've been struggling.

She also called my care manager (with my permission) to let him know she was concerned about me. He offered to do a home visit later in the day, and he, too, was supportive and kind. I'd seen my T the previous day and turns out he had also called my CM to express concern about my state of mind and ask if extra support could be made available. CM and i talked some stuff through and then he went back to the office and arranged for crisis to do check-in calls over the weekend - got one this afternoon and i was so grateful and also so apologetic.

I feel such intense shame over falling apart, for being so weak, for needing extra support, and just for existing and taking up space in general really. At the same time, i know i'm in a really bad place. Told CM it's like i've fallen into a big hole and don't know how to drag myself out this time - or if i even want to. Feel unsafe, both internally and out in the world.

Not sure if i'll leave this post up.

[JaneC]

Oh Gem, I really am terribly sorry that you had this happen today on top of everything else. It is understandable that you are feeling as you do.

Please know it is safe to post this here, we are here for support and care how you are doing. You are not in trouble, or taking up space by posting this. I think you are brave and courageous to work your way through this, not weak at all!

Sorry I hadn't seen this before messaging. The weekends can be so hard and I'm glad you have some contact from CATT. You deserve all the support you can get, now, that you didn't have back then.

Can I send you a caring if you want it?

[GeminiNZ]

i'm so afraid i'm in trouble
something bad is going to happen now

[Bluegrey]

You're safe here with us, Gemini. I am sorry you are feeling bad, could it be that you are having some sort of flashback?

I'm glad your care team are being supportive. Maybe you could call your care manager or the crisis team and talk to them? I don't think you are in trouble with them, and they can help you to stay safe.

Be gentle with yourself, have something nice to eat or drink, wrap yourself up in a blanket or cuddle a stuffed animal for a while - do something comforting that will help to ground you. Try and take some slow breaths. Things will be ok, just keep going and you can get through this. I know it's hard, and scary, and I wish I could do more to help you, but just hang on there.

Gentle, friendly

Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Thank you, Bluegrey. I really appreciate your kind words and support.

Rough day. Didn't even make it to work. Didn't do anything much at all - mostly just sat, staring into space, for hours. Safe, at least, but this is not me, this is not how i do things.

T assured me i'm not in trouble, that i'm cared about and they want to help. I've read his words several times, but they're not sinking in. Still feel afraid.

And still deep in the hole. Just have to ride it out, I guess. Been in a hole before so keep telling myself that i obviously know how to get out of them. I'm not very convincing, though; not sure i even want to find my way out. Just so so tired of everything.

[JaneC]

You are safe here with us Gem. And you can make it through. I do know how very scary it must be. As Bluegray says, do something kind and gentle for yourself. Give yourself a bit of care, you deserve it. We care about you here too, ok?

I can imagine you do feel very tired.....but you can get through this, you can. Cuddle up and watch some cricket, or Dr Who, or silly kids programs with your boy......lose yourself in the tv for a while....give your brain a rest.

We are here, supporting as best we can. Gentle & kind if you want it.
Jane

[Bluegrey]

(((Gemini)))

I have had days like that, I understand how horrible things are.

A while ago I was afraid all the time, really terrified. Eventually I realised that the deep fear was from a long time ago, and had been triggered by something much more recent. Seeing that didn't take away the fear but did give my logic something to cling on to. I don't know if this is relevant to you, but I thought I would mention it just in case. If it's not helpful, just forget it.

Jane's idea of watching TV sounds good, or anything else to keep your mind occupied a bit. You can get through this, and as you say you have done it before, but don't put pressure on yourself. We are here for you as well, so you aren't on your own in the hole, even if it feels like it.

I'm glad your T has told you that you are cared for and that you're not in trouble. Just try and hold on to that. In a while it will seem real again.


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Less pain and less frequent physio sessions = fewer flashbacks + more sleep = a bit more space opening up for processing and managing and gradually connecting with the outside world again.

Still in the hole, but it doesn't feel as deep (and after the humiliating things i spoke about in my last therapy session, i'm kinda glad to still have the hole to hide out in).

i'm so glad you have less pain and flashbacks. and i'm also so sorry you're stuck in the hole. i'll get in there with you and bring the snacks.

[GeminiNZ]

So tired of living in this broken-down body. Every time i think things are settling down again, some other condition flares up. It's draining and painful, physically and mentally.

And because so much of it is internal, i look 'fine', and i feel pressure - and put pressure on myself - to be 'fine', too. But that adds to the stress which pushes up my blood pressure and triggers other conditions and affects my mental health .... and on and on it goes.

I wish I could be like the Doctor (Who) and regenerate with a new body.

[JaneC]

I understand the "look fine on the outside" thing. And the pressure that brings. And I am sorry for all the pain and discomfort you are having to deal with.

Wouldn't it be lovely to be able to regenerate.......

Sending you a kind, and gentle hug

I wish i could regenerate too.

[GeminiNZ]

Sick again. Asthma this time. Endless wheezing and coughing, and peak flows have plummeted so back on prednisone, which i don't like taking 'cos it makes me irritable and twitchy. And it pushes up my blood pressure, which has already risen recently due to the stress of dealing with the neck injury, so that's another thing that needs to be monitored now.

It's starting to feel like a sick joke the number of ways my body has broken down over the past four months.

On the upside, my neck and shoulder are improving all the time. Still have some intermittent nerve pain after doing my exercises and if i get overtired, but also have long periods of time where i either don't have pain or it's so minimal it's not on my radar. Such a relief.

[trigger warning for ED talk]

And because of an incredibly painful reflux flare-up, and now needing daily doses of prednisone, i've been forced to rein in my eating disorder relapse big time. It's messing with my head a lot (i'm not ready!) because, for me, the ED isn't about weight, it's about childhood and mealtimes and flashbacks and feeling dirty and triggers, and there isn't anything else i've tried that does what purging does for me - but there's no denying that cutting back on it is better for my body at least. Just have to be very careful not to backslide into restricting instead.

And Easter is coming up which is a big trigger (religious holidays were a special kind of hell growing up). Last year, i ended up in respite. Really don't want to do that again, but at the same time i'm exhausted and overwhelmed and not feeling all that confident about handling being home alone for several days.

Feels like there's just no peace, no space, it's one damn thing after another. So over it.

[JaneC]

Oh Gem

I'm sorry things are so tough again, I am glad though that your neck and shoulder are getting better.

Could you plan something nice to look forward to at Easter, a few special treats for yourself? Or do you have a good friend who can come stay? It is no fun to be alone during the holidays, I know.

Sending you kind and supportive thoughts, and hugs
Jane

[GeminiNZ]

Thanks so much for the hugs and support, Jane.

Had to take another sick day as still coughing and wheezing too much for work. Exhausted after another sleepless night, and have the shakes from all the asthma meds.

It's not even winter yet and i've already used up three days sick leave.

At least there's cricket on the telly this afternoon. And a certain small person will be home in a while which will liven things up plenty. Best i make the most of some quiet time on the couch before then.

Still wishing i could regenerate.

[Bluegrey]

It's horrible having so many parts of you that don't work properly, I can identify with this so much. One thing after another, and as soon as one thing feels a bit better something else gets worse.

At some point there will be an improvement without something else regressing, at least for a while. I know how frustrating it is no being able to do the things you want to, or should do. Do you have plenty of sick pay available? Not having to worry about money would be a plus.

Take good care of yourself, physically as well as mentally. If your hole has turned into a safe hiding place, I have some soft velvet that soothes me - maybe you'd like some?


Bluegrey

((((((((((Gemini)))))))))))

[GeminiNZ]

Finally starting to get some relief after eight days on prednisone. Had two close calls when i thought i was going to need to call an ambulance, but managed to get my peak flows crawling up with massive doses of ventolin. Have had the shakes all week.

Struggling to breathe is bad enough, but waking in the night struggling to breathe triggers the bejeezus out of me. Ended up on the 'phone with crisis at 3.30am one time 'cos i couldn't get my anxiety level down enough to go back to bed.

Feel fragile. Mental health is shaky, physical health is shaky. And easter is nearly here, which is bringing up so much childhood garbage i can't think straight.

At least i should be 'fine' enough to make it to work tomorrow. Just the routine and distraction will help get me out of my head and body some, which is good 'cos i really don't want to be in either.

[JaneC]

Sending you kind and gentle hugs Gem

I can only imagine how dreadful things are for you. I wish you good health and healing thoughts hun. Work can be a good distraction huh? I know when I have study to do, or work(which is where I am right now, oops) it gives my brain a bit of light relief. (actually not always because of the subjects I study and the work I do.....but hey...) I do hope you get some relief tomorrow for both head and body.

Take good care