[GeminiNZ]

I feel miserable and thought it might help to set up my own personal misery thread for over the holidays, so now i can whine and complain as often as i need to without cluttering up other people's threads with my stuff.

Have so much pain in my neck (around the disc), and in my arm (referred pain from nerve compression). Feel like i'm losing my mind. Doing all i can with ice packs and meds, but they barely take the edge off. And it's triggering a lot of stuff from childhood - being in pain, being alone with it, having to comfort myself, etcetera.

Keep reminding myself i made it through the last disc injury so i can make it through this one, too. But i'm not very convincing - especially as last time was a contributing factor in the breakdown that led to being referred for therapy.

Have stopped talking/emailing about it with people around me as there's nothing practical anyone can do and that seems to make them uncomfortable or dismissive. Tired of being told to have a lovely xmas; this time of year is never lovely and being in constant pain is not doing anything to improve it.

Still no word on physio, which means there's no chance it will start this side of xmas. Because of the stat hols, the very earliest it could begin now is the 29th, but no notification yet means that's unlikely. Need it, and also dreading it.

Also dreading impending contact from one of my abusers, plus my child goes on holiday for five days from Boxing Day.

I guess at least things can't really get worse.

[jelly-bean]

I'm sorry that you are in such a bad place right now. If the whining and complaining is making you feel better then go ahead and do it. Hopefully you will get some pain relief fairly soon.

[JaneC]

I hear you! It is a tough time for so many of us. I say if you need to vent then go right ahead hun. Perhaps vent, express pain, offload, process are kinder ways of seeing it, rather than whining & complaining? At least I am sure that is what my therapist may say........ not that I'd be able to be so kind to myself!!! Bahahaa......complicated aren't we?

My boy will also be away from the 26th for a whole week.........that is not good for me. Hope you can find plenty to distract while your child is away. We'll be in the same boat. So sending kind thoughts to you.

I do hope you can find some relief for your pain. Do you not have any physio's where you are that you can just self refer and walk in? We do have some here, but you have to look a bit harder. Maybe not in your part of the country?

Take care GeminiNZ

[GeminiNZ]

jelly-bean, thank you for the support.

JaneC, there's actually a physio five minutes walk from my house, but unfortunately i don't have any money to pay for it. My GP has referred me to the physio department at the local hospital as it's free there.

My T would agree that 'vent' is a kinder way of looking at it. I'm not very good at being kind to myself either. Though perhaps giving myself this space to vent counts as an act of kindness.

[GeminiNZ]

Very little sleep again. Exhausted. In pain.

Seeing my care manager today for some last-minute support before the stress of xmas day and then my son going away for five days. Keep telling myself it's only five days and he's been away for longer and i got through it, but being home alone with this injury feels more difficult as i can't go anywhere or do anything much to pass the time - and it's a bit frightening given the risk of fainting from the nerve compression.

At least it's only five days this time - his next holiday in mid-late January will be TEN days. Might need to think seriously about respite care during some of that one.

[Bluegrey]

((GeminiNZ))

I'm glad you started this thread - it sounds as if you very much need the opportunity to unload a bit. I can empathise with you n terms of the pain - I have rheumatoid arthritis and have a lot of pain. At the moment, I have a particularly horrible left hip, right hand and right sacro iliac joint and am on morphine for pain relief.

It's awful being alone with pain, especially when there isn't much prospect of its abating. If you are able, I think it's a good idea to post on your thread when things are bad - just having some sort of outlet does help.

I hope things get sorted for your physio soon.


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Thanks for the support, Bluegrey. I'm empathising with you, too.

Feel like i'm functioning through a haze at the moment. The only clarity is in the sharp stabbing pain around the disc and the constant ache in my arm. It's so draining, mentally and physically. And xmas is such a bad time for triggers and flashbacks anyway. Feel like i'm losing my mind.

My care manager was kind and supportive and sympathetic and validating. All of which i really needed as there's the present day agony to deal with, plus there's so much childhood stuff coming up around experiencing pain and needing support and comfort but not receiving it. I always had to clean myself up and put myself back together, and if i showed any signs of distress, i was ridiculed.

So to have B., and my T, show so much care (and tell me they wish they could do more) has been helpful. And i have concrete 'extras' from each of them to hold onto and remind me that, while i'll be physically alone for a while, they're still with me.

And i have this thread to vent in.

[BLUEDOVE]

Have any of you tried a TENS unit? It's a little oval
box like thing, size of a phone,with leads that have
rubber pads on end. It works by battery which gives
a pulsating effect where pads are placed on skin,
which stimulates the body's own pain killer, endorphins. You will get one in any big drugstore/
chemist at pain counter. I wouldn't be without one,
as they're great for any sprains,back problems,etc.

[Bluegrey]

I have a TENS machine, which has been helpful in the past but doesnt do much with my current pain, unfortunately. I'm not sure why, but suspect that it's because I have a lot of inflammation and therefore swelling at the moment. But I can recommend them in general!

[GeminiNZ]

I know about TENS machines (read up on them years ago when i was pregnant), but unfortunately i don't have one, nor any money to hire/buy one.

Struggling with endless physical pain. It's so intense at times i can't sleep, think, eat, focus. All i can do is cry. Get dizzy spells which is frightening. Scared i'm going to pass out and fall down the stairs.

Struggling with emotional pain, too. And flashbacks.

Missing my son, although also glad he's having a great time on holiday. I'm not much use to him at the moment as i can't run around or play like i usually do, so it's good he's still getting to do all those things with his dad and their friends.

Hoping to get a check-in email from T on Monday. He said to email as much as i need to, but i've only sent one since his last one as it feels pointless, and a waste of his reading time, to say the same thing - i'm in pain! - over and over again, especially when a) he knows, and b) there's nothing he can do.

In an attempt to end on a positive note, at least i have chocolate, cricket on the radio, a pile of crosswords, a good book, and text updates and photos from son & his dad.

[Bluegrey]

Glad you can see some positives, ((GeminiNZ)).

Something I find helps both with pain and flashbacks is the breathing exercises I was taught at the pain management clinic many years ago. Have you come across these? I can go through the idea if you would like me to, if you haven't.

Warmth and something soothing can also be helpful, depending on the type of pain. Gentle stretching, if it's safe for you, may also help a bit.

Gentle hugs from me, hope the pain dwindles a bit for you.


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

I use breathing exercises in my therapy sessions, and before he left for his break, T recorded one onto my voicemail with a little message at the end. That's been helpful to listen to the past few days.

Can't use warmth 'cos it worsens the inflammation around the disc, which compresses the nerves further - but i do use cold a lot. It's just that the relief is fleeting and nothing touches the ache in my arm because that's coming from a compressed nerve.

Just have to wait it out for physio.

Tomorrow, i'm going to try to get out of the house, even if just for a while. It's a bit of a scary prospect as one wrong move and i could collapse again, and the pain is so draining i have very little energy, but i'm going stir crazy at home.

Figure i can just put a note in my wallet saying i have a neck injury so if i keel over and someone comes to my aid, they don't make things worse. Working on the premise that if i'm prepared for something going wrong, nothing will. Fingers crossed!

[Bluegrey]

Good luck with your foray into the great outdoors! The note in the wallet idea sounds good, but hopefully it won't be needed...

Enjoy :-)


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Okay, so not only did i get an email from my T, a visit from my support worker, and make it out of the house to go to the library, i also had a call from the hospital saying an on-call physiotherapist was in today handling urgent cases and they could see me if i could come in at 3pm. I said yes, of course.

And then called my care manager absolutely freaking out.

Physical touch is intensely triggering for me, so even though i've been desperate for physio to start, i've also been dreading it. B. talked my anxiety down some, and i worked out some coping stuff i could do, and a rough script to explain what my issues are and what might help make it less stressful.

The session was pretty rough in places, and i was shaking and in tears at times, but was okay to keep going. Felt myself starting to dissociate at one point, but had a grounding object with me so put that to good use. Now that i've got through the first one, and there are PTSD-related notes on my file so i don't have to repeat things next time, it feels a tiny bit less frightening.

With the stat hols and weekend coming up, I have to wait a week for my next session, but i have more exercises to do in the meantime. And my trusty ice pack.

It's been a good - albeit painful - Monday!

[Bluegrey]

Really glad things worked out more or less ok. So good that the physio opportunity came up - and well done for going for it despite the worry about triggering.

Just wondering: is it ok sending you virtual hugs? I don't want to make things any more difficult than they are already.

Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Virtual hugs are very okay, Bluegrey, because I get to enjoy some emotional warmth without the triggering touch. Thank you!

Physio is terrifying because it will require so much touch around my head and neck - this is pretty much the most triggering kind for me because of specific aspects of my abuse. I often can't even bear my son touching my head - and he's allowed to hug me so that gives you some idea of how intense the trigger is.

Last time i went through this (different disc), i had a breakdown. Not solely because of the physio, but it was a big contributor. At least this time i already have all of the mental health support in place!

[Bluegrey]

((((GeminiNZ))))

I'm glad you like virtual hugs and are ok not to be triggered by them.

You are so courageous, going in to physio with all of that in the background.


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

I don't feel very courageous today. The fallout from yesterday has been pretty brutal - distress, flashbacks, dissociation. Not helped by mind bending pain.

Feel very small and fragile.

Keep reminding myself it was to be expected. This is not going to be a straightforward process, but it's also not something i have a choice about. Just have to manage it as best i can - and ask for help when i can't.

[JaneC]

You really are being very brave Gemini. I am so very glad you have such great support wrapped around you by the sounds of it......and a great & kind therapist also from what you write.

I am not so sensitive to touch, but I completely understand as even my son is not allowed to put his hand over my mouth even as a joke.

I hope as you work through this it becomes a little less triggering and more manageable.

Kind supportive

[GeminiNZ]

Struggling with pain. Working hard to hide as much of it as i can from my son, but had to apologise a couple of times for being grumpy. It's hard to be fun-Mum when the pain is so intense and i feel dizzy before we've even left the house

Struggling with having to go to physio. Desperate to have my neck fixed, but how do i deal with the touch, with my broken body, with pain, with triggers, with the fear and flashbacks?

Feel overwhelmed. Exhausted.

[Bluegrey]

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so overwhelmed, ((GeminiNZ)).

I don't have any answers, but wish I could offer you some. I'm here to listen, anyway. I hope you find some way to deal with the fear so you can have the physio - is the therapist sympathetic?


Bluegrey

[GeminiNZ]

Listening is most helpful, Bluegrey. Having somewhere just to vent helps to manage some of the overwhelm. Especially while T is away.

The physiotherapist i saw this week was great, but she's the team leader and only covered urgent cases over the holiday break. I'll be seeing someone else from next week onwards, but the team leader said she'll sit in the first time to make sure the new physio's technique is right and I'm feeling okay - which is really kind of her.

Part of the reason i'm finding physio so confronting is that after just two questions from the physio, i realised there's a clear link between this injury and a particular kind of 'discipline' my mother used frequently. I've spent a lifetime making sense of my childhood by glossing over things and saying it can't have been abuse because no bones were broken, but it turns out there is something 'broken' in my neck due to repeated trauma.

Somehow I have to make sense of that.

[JaneC]

Sending you kind and gentle if you are ok to receive them.

It is such a journey.....even admitting to ourselves that abuse even happened, rather than telling ourselves it was something else. And the extent of the damage it caused us..........how do you make sense of it even?

(ps I am a tiny bit envious of the kindness of your T emailing on his break and also glad you have it as I can see you are having a tough time)

[GeminiNZ]

Appreciate the support and hugs, JaneC.

And yes, T's emails have been such a help. He has definite boundaries, but is generous with his time and care within them. Very generous. I feel fortunate to have him as my T.