It won't get better no matter how hard I try.

I am noticing a trend in my own life, whereas my own negativity and bitterness has become a part of my personality. I have always been on the blunt end of any experience; social rejection, bullying, assault and alienation seem to follow me on a constant basis no matter how I change my attitude. I have learned to simply just accept this, as life for me will never get better, and all attempts to possibly change that belief are futile. My own actions regarding this have not warranted this type of behavior to happen; I try my best to be empathetic, caring and understanding to many people that I have come across, but I always either receive nothing in return or get outright, unreasoned hostility. I tend to talk to people that are no lesser from my own life, for they have also undergone the same issues that I have, but it has become clear to me that not even they want to associate themselves with me.

I was not originally like this when I was growing up. When I was younger, I generally felt happier and compassionate when it came to things like this. I was still treated as an inferior person, but my past optimistic behavior allowed me to see through those bad experiences and enjoy life. However, many things along the way had caused me to lose those attributes as I had gotten older. People started treating me different, and I wasn’t prepared to come face-to-face with this new particular type of behavior. They started to bully me to the point where all I could just do is cry in a corner, they started to alienate and completely ignore my presence, and they had caused me to change. Looking back at that particular time made me adapt to this person that I am today.

Could self-fulfilling prophecy cause in this attitude that I am seeing in people now, or is it coincidence that is making people feel this way to me? Am I purposely causing people to treat me like this, regardless of my attitude as of now? I would like to know as what the next step would be in this, since I don’t know the answer myself.

P.S.: I am currently receiving therapy and medication for PTSD, schizoaffective disorder and psychosis. Therapy does not appear to be helping me in this regard. I am taking 60mg's of prozac in the morning and 200mg's of seroquel during the night.

(this post is a copy-paste of an ask a therapist submission in case it doesn't get answered there)

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) DpressedMyself. I am sorry to hear you have been suffering from PTSD and memories of your past and abuse. No one should have to live through that.

Some people at PC will find a therapist specializing in PTSD will help them sort out the roots of their life. For me, childhood episodes waned in influence to the degree I released them and let go of the anger, the hope for a change of heart by the abuser, and urge for retribution or revenge. Letting go of these does not mean what you endured was right, it only means you finally decide to go on with your life and not be weighed down by these things anymore.

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.
There are articles that go into more detail about coping with PTSD search in upper right.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Welcome DepressedMyself to PC!

This is the place to be to be more understood than the general not so nice sometimes public.

Yes, thank you.

I feel that whenever I talk about my own problems within public spaces, no one ever seems to understand what's it like to go though something akin to PTSD. I'm either treated like a freak or I'm just ignored. And it is really painful to go through something like that.

When I wasn't on medication, I felt completely numb and emotionless. I simply didn't care if no one wanted anything to do with me; personally I think it is from the bullying that I had encountered when I was in grade school, it's almost as if it is a defense mechanism to prevent me from getting hurt. But now that I am on medication, it seems to be changing the way I feel things on a personal level, like it changing my personality...

Medication can sometimes do that, but generally it's also a mass-produced drug. Usually it takes a combination of medications and/or therapies before something starts to work. That's simply because you are unique. You are unique and you are fabulous.

Uniqueness can also feel isolating, which it sounds like you are feeling. Even those with similar diagnoses or stories, no one went through exactly what you did. No one went through exactly what they did. Even abused children of the same family experience the same abuse differently.

But what I'm also reading is that you adapt and change. And that can absolutely be a good thing. You are not like the other people who are so rigid that they cannot handle any degree of uniqueness.

Things will change. If I may suggest, you mentioned you experience the same thing as a child but still had the optimism to see through it. If there is some way to do so, I might suggest somehow volunteering with children. They still have that playfulness and creativity and optimism to not see or understand the complexities of life, and maybe it would inspire your old childish optimism. I don't mean bad childish, but the good sort of fun that most adults wish they could get back.

For God's sake keep quiet about illness to people you don't know
for length of time.And please look back on your behavior; is it
ingratiating? Are you looking for pity? Do you feel 'less than'?
Do you remain mute when insulted or put down in any way?
Do you try to please too much? Do you NOT think you should
come first at times? Do you have any self-respect? Do you have
any self-esteem? Can you see YOU are responsible for YOUR
life? If you would like to have some of these attributes message
me for some book titles,the like of which,changed my life!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

This isn't meant to be a criticism, but a logical observation.

The fact that you have come here to tell us about this issue - a site meant for emotional support - means you still have hope for yourself. You haven't accepted things as they are, not completely. That's a great thing.

But I have PTSD as well, and I have a negative "self." I'm sort of split into two separate figurative people. That damaged part of me still has a strong influence. When I get into that, I suddenly obsess on everything negative thing in my life. The world suddenly seems like it's against me and that everything that can go wrong will, 100 percent.

Human brains also have more neurons dedicated to processing negative experiences and stimuli. It's easy to get lost in painful memories; I know. My life was difficult as well. It's easier to lost for people with emotional issues, like you and I.

I feel a little silly admitting this, but I have some of my childhood toys and PC games that connect to better parts of my life. Some of these things are rare and impossible to find today, but I'll never sell them. Without them, I get lost in my own awful childhood.

Statistically speaking, it's impossible for everyone to dislike you. Nothing is 100 percent with the human population as a whole. Keep in mind that you have good things, as you yourself stated. Empathy, caring, and being understanding. Those qualities are falling by the wayside. Don't think it's caused you to be on the receiving end of mistreatment. Those are individuals you don't want to associate yourself with. And as always, each individual is responsible for his or her reactions.

You have a lot to offer. I can tell be the way you write and what you say. You still want things to change. Don't devalue yourself. It takes a lot of strength to do what you're doing.

Thank you very much for your kind words. Yes, it is very rare to find people who have empathy left. I try to be as generous as I possibly can, regarding everyday social relationships, as that's all I really have left to give. I find my journey to getting to love the person that I am very difficult, but I have endured my complications for so long, so I minus well keep pushing to see if there is any merit to it.

And there is. The fact that I can find people that I can connect to is reassuring and comforting, as most people don't really understand what it’s like living with mental illness.

I don’t like to tell people about my current preposition unless they tell me about their own problems. Usually I will talk about other things besides that, but if it does go to that point, I will tell them. It’s only fair.

My self-esteem is very low; I honestly can say that I hate the way that I look. Nothing that I can do will ever change that. I would also like to believe that I do have control over my own life, but I don’t really. Whether or not I would want to advance myself with any particular skill, it needs to be validated by someone else in order for me to succeed or fail. I can only make minor changes to my life, but it is irreverent when you can compare it to how society treats you.

Take care of yourself, keep your life simple, do what you can with what you have right now. Make your heart your priority first. You will feel much better soon, expect and deal with accepting your reality. The only person you have to compare yourself to...is yourself.

caring support
Jade

I find your approach to this post really insensitive. What point were you trying to make by blatantly criticizing the OP? This is a site dedicated for support of mental health, yet you say "keep quiet about illness to people you don't know for length of time"? Interesting approach for a public forum, where random people see everyone's post on here. If I said the same to you on one of your posts, how would you react, sir/miss?

There is no respect to your words. Merely abject hostility. What were you attempting to accomplish, and why not speak it in a more constructive tone?

I agree with you Baizyl, that post can be triggering. I don't think BLUEDOVE meant to trigger and perhaps should share the books that were helpful in a quieter gentler tone.

i hope you feel better about yourself i also have PTSD and several other issues. i was a very sociable person until i was diagnosed with my problems, then no one wanted to hang out with me after they found out, which is why i suggest you don't tell people. once they know you're on meds it is downhill from there unless you have some tight friends, others will not be so accepting. i lost alot of friends along the way because of my illness and hope you don't too.good luck

Have you ever looked into stoicism as a philosophy? It's not for everyone, But I find it to be useful. There is some evidence that optimism can actually be counterproductive, while indifferent acceptance of the world the way it is can be helpful.

The hard part is the indifference vs strong emotional reactions. Stoicism teaches that one can back away from the immediate reactions and think about what is going on while using the rational, reasonable side of our brains.

You are focusing on how others treat you as if it is "you" that is failing somehow, when it really is not necessarily you, but how these other individuals genuinely do "lack" in their ability to be receptive and respectful to others.

You can work on changing your attitude, however, keep in mind that others will still only give you what they "know". If a dog for example is not taught to "sit" on command, you can stand there and use all kinds of words and behaviors, that dog is still not going to understand what you are asking. Also, if you happen to feed a dog table food or teach it to "beg" and reward that behavior, that dog is going to believe that "begging" is something that is pleasing to you and may even get insistent to a point where it is actually annoying.

But I do not know how to change. I have been like this for more than 10 years, and the thought of changing my attitude sounds very foreign to me. I believe that my new behavior shielded me from further abuse when I was a child, and I thought that it would be best to simply adapt to my feelings.

Yes, I know, it "is" hard, especially when someone is struggling with PTSD. I have had to work on this challenge myself and "learn" how to better identify others that express toxic behaviors that trigger me and why. I don't necessarily think about it as "changing" myself, but instead "learning" and working on allowing myself to "try" and become more "flexible" instead of expecting another person to pounce on me for not being "perfect" according to what that individual deems "is perfect".

You did not have that skill as a child so you may have believed you were "not good enough" somehow. As an adult you now have a choice to "learn" instead of just absorb these negative behaviors others send your way.

When I get triggered now and experience a cycle, I have learned to be patient with the cycle and see what comes up from it. I have learned to slowly evaluate the trigger and the cycle and talk about it where I think about the trigger and how it affected me, but also how I can work on decreasing the way that trigger affects me. It "is' a lot of work, I have some very deep set triggers I was not really consciously aware of.

Are you a spiritual person?
I started going to therapy prior to high school ending
and am now 44.

I have been to my share of therapists in my life.
None of them worked...except 1.
He is a licensed therapist, and also my Rabbi.

The spiritual component was what was missing from.
all of my other therapy sessions...All of those
other therapists did not believe in the ways that I do.

Have you tried searching for a therapist within your
own personal spirituality, or faith?

I was once religious when I was younger. I did not go to church on Sunday, and I was not compelled to, but we did have to pray. When I had gone through what I did that resulted from PTSD, I found myself praying more and more, in an attempt to make it those bad events stop. It didn't. It actually gotten worse as time progress, and when I saw how vain of an attempt it all was, I started to resent religion altogether. I am now an atheist, partially from the things that I endured, and partially from the fact that it now suits my personality.

I want to ask you something and seriously think about it: How do you know you haven't changed?

I'm asking because you might be like me. I used to focus on every bad moment in and out, thinking that "I haven't changed. How can I after all this time?" But then I looked over chat logs and old deviantart accounts and saw that, oh yes I have changed.

People like us tend to put ourselves in a lesser category than others. We blame ourselves for things when they go wrong. But really, you have to remember something important: we are always changing. We do whether we want to or realize it, and I can tell by listening to your tone that you know you have changed. It might not be the change you want or enough change, but it has happened. And I think you're putting it in a negative context, like "I have to change because I don't like myself." Do you want to, or do you feel you should? Do what makes you feel right and happy; nothing about you needs "fixed." Repaired is a better word for me.

---

And if religion doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you. I'm an atheist as well because of bad experiences with religious people. I'm also gay and a scientist, so a no-god policy fits my life better.

What I'm saying is that I think you're hung up on " I shoulds" instead of "I wants." What do you want for yourself? Answer that for me. :]

I feel as though as I have changed, just from looking back at my childhood, things at that point in time, it felt so simple, so innocent. I believe that I was naive regarding my youth, and my naivety contributed to the way that I am now. I have changed, because now as time goes by, I keep thinking what it would be like had I not gone through what I did; my happiness felt shattered, and it was at that point that I knew I had changed.

I felt like religion abandoned me, wanted to see me suffer from what I was going through. If no 'god' wanted to see little children suffer, how come it was me who had gone through the horrible things that I did, and received nothing but the damning silence from my prayers? That is not a loving, caring god, that is a twisted sadist, wanting to see suffering and only helps when they see fit, and I will not follow that path of isolation.

I do not know what I want for myself. Honestly, if I could restart my life, I would do it in a heartbeat. I do not want to live knowing the fact that what I had gone through put me in such a pathetic state as this, where only pills and money-influenced "therapy" is the only way out. I do not want to keep going this path, either I keep living and continue to look back at my past and only endure the future, or die and let the sadness end.