My PTSD is getting worse

Hi everyone,

I've been reading the forum for a while now, and this is my first post.
For some reason I needed more time before starting to post.

I have been diagnosed with deep depression and anxiety many years ago, took tons of meds, and almost ended my life. Somehow I managed to stop taking my meds, and have recovered (from what is possible) from those dark days.

Unfortunately in the last year I have been suffering with PTSD regarding to bad stuff that happened in my childhood and dragged along my teenage and young adult years. To make it worse, in the beginning of the year I almost caused a car accident because of my terrible state of mind, and now I am being tormented by that too. I can't seem to forgive myself for the mistakes.

I was supposed to be helped by a psychologist and start EMDR, but I am in a foreign country which is not a english speaking country, and doctors keep sending me from one to the next because they are afraid their english is not good enough to help me and that they will make me feel worse.

It has been really hard to calm down lately, I don't know what to do anymore. I am sorry for such a long post.

That sounds difficult to deal with! Wanting help and not being to get it must be overwhelming.

Do you have a community of people with whom you feel safe? Friends who can support you while you keep searching for English-speaking care?

hi dawn ,
I feel for you . I have chronic Ptsd cuz of my dad did a hideous act onto me .im also struggling to deal with my parents passing . especially my mom's passing . I too I had a car accident 10 months ago I had to deal with it in counseling with my therapist .so hang in there . things will be okay .








Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety
50 mgs at night for insomnia

Hi skeksi,
I have no community, I have no friends here. think that also doesn't help because I have no one to talk to, and I am having lots of problems here.
I feel worse ever day, I am having panic attacks that scare the hell out of me because I am afraid I will hurt myself.
This week I will be going to the doctor and maybe try to get some medication, and see how it is going with finding a therapist.

Hi spring2014,
I am sorry to hear that, are you doing any specific treatment for the trauma of the accident? Is it working for you?
And I am so sorry for your loss, I have lost two members of my close family in the past 14 months and it is so overwhelming... I honestly don't know hoe to deal with it... You have my sympathy...

Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot to me.

Hi dawnindark, welcome to PC and the PTSD forums. Good for you that you have decided to post and got your thoughts together to do so. No need to appologize, your post is not too long. This is a place you can come and write out as much as you need to, you did fine.

Self blaming and guilt is very common with individuals that struggle with PTSD. It is very common that the person challenged says "sorry" a lot too. The mind is very confused when someone struggles with PTSD and that is what an individual is sorry about the most, often it is hard to articulate the challenge itself and the individual struggling really does need help, but often what happens is the individual doesnt know where to begin and they are sorry that they don't know how to explain their need to another individual that might be listening. However, the desire to make an effort to talk it out and have another individual "help" and comfort is very strong.

You had things happen to you in your childhood that were bad, most likely overwhelmed you at times too. That challenge continued into your teens and while you survived, you did not have a chance to find the right kind of help where you were told, it's ok, that is not your fault, that individual is really being "toxic" and you just don't know what to do about it. Often what has happened when an individual was exposed to dysfuntional and toxic individuals, was that these individuals tended to blame them when it really was not their fault. What tends to develop through no fault of the child/young adult is a "victim mentality". That doesn't mean the victim is stupid or should be sorry, all it means is that victim did not experience individuals that they could feel safe with and trust.

With that challenged history, many of the negative or abusive experiences were stored in the brain in different places, some of these places don't have language to them, often these areas are more in the emotional and visual and auditory areas of the brain. Flashbacks can happen where an individual sees pictures when they were experiencing something threatening in some way. However, flashbacks can be experienced where there are no pictures, but feeling the emotions that were felt during a threating situation/experience. It can be very hard to put these flashback type experiences into words and there is a sense of "how will anyone believe this?".

It is understandable that where you are the professionals struggle to speak your language and they know that is something important, especially if they are knowledgable about PTSD. PTSD already presents a feeling that others will not understand it, so it's not good to see a therapist who struggles to speak your language.
I know a lot now about PTSD, however if I had to help someone who spoke a language I could not speak, what I know will not help.

At least you have the internet so you can have access to others who do understand your challenge and can listen and talk back to you in a way you can understand.

The important first step for you is to find a place that you can feel "safe' in. It doesn't have to be a big place either, it could be your bedroom or any place you can go where you will not be disturbed and can have quiet and space if you experience a flashback of somekind or have a PTSD cycle so you have a quiet place to be until the trigger/cycle runs it's course.

What I had to learn is that when I have a PTSD cycle/flashback of some kind, that it comes in like a wave, crests, and then slowly receeds. I have had to learn to be "patient" and instead of fighting it or allowing it to further frighten me, instead do my best to wait it out, find something I can focus on or hold or touch that allows me to know whatever I am experiencing is not "now", but just a memory of something "passed". What has helped me, and works for many who struggle is acknowledging "yes, I remember, that did happen, but it's not happening now". As your conscious mind realizes what ever you are experiencing is in the "past" and not now, your conscious mind is teaching you how to know whatever you are experiencing is really not "now" and when you do that, it actually reduces the impact of whatever flashback/cycle you are experiencing.

Here is something to think about that can help you. We are designed in a way, and animals have the as well, that when we experience anything that is a threat, we remember it with a lot more than just a simple memory, we have to be like that otherwise, we would not have survived, all animals have to have this extra sensory dimension to them so they learn what things in their enviornment can be dangerous.

A child can accidentally touch a hot burner on a stove not knowing what that hot burner means. When they touch that burner they feel pain, they feel fear, they cry, they pull away and they remember that hot burner in many ways so the next time they see that burner red, they know it can hurt them if they go near it or touch it. They also imprint of sense of guilt for not knowing that burner was harmful, well, that is so that the child will really remember that danger. Their body is designed to also remember the pain they felt too. With a child, or young animal, they cry and look for a parent to comfort them so they can feel safe again, this too happens with animals.

One of the things I do myself is work with horses/ponies that for some reason experienced some kind of bad training/neglect/abuse. Each one of them had something they grew frighened of or did not learn right away and were punished for it. So, I have had to figure out what they are confused about and frightened of, and slowly, and patiently help them get past that by doing the activity over and over again until that pony or horse realizes they can do whatever it is and not have to be afraid or think they will get punished somehow. I have been in fact "a rescuer". And that is what a hurt confused human being also looks for, or learns to do better when that "rescuer" helps them.

Now, you have "complex PTSD" right? That means that you spent too much time with individuals who did not help you learn and grow "safely", and when you did not know how, in some situations, you may have been punished. So what is happening with you is that you remember the things you did not know how to do, and you also remember that you were punished for what you did not know too. A therapist is someone who can sit and listen to you and help you feel safe and finally learn how to do things without that fear of failing and being punished. A good therapist is someone who, with a caring confidence and knowledge, can help you slowly learn how to overcome whatever hurt you, and learn how to get better at understanding healthier ways to protect yourself and slowly regain your sense of self esteem and self worth.

My daughter got a horse that had been pushed much too hard and punished too much by a horse trainer and was in such bad condition that he associated many things with pain and punishment. He did not like the saddle because the trainer had put one on him that did not fit and hurt him, he would not go into a riding ring because he learned that when he did he would be punished and leave that riding ring hurting. Most of the normal language he was taught that told him to move forward was now confusing because he was told to move forward even when it hurt him to do so. When he was afraid and uncertain, instead of being gently encouraged, he was hit/beaten/punished so he learned to associate being uncertain with being beaten or punished. He ended up lame and back sore and very, very confused.

So, when my daugther got him, first she had to have a vet help her figure out how he was hurt, where, and how to help him heal physically. She could not ride him in a riding ring, she could not put a saddle on him either, so she started riding him bareback down a trail and in a field so he could slowly learn to "trust" her. She had to be very patient with him because all the normal signals he had learned that meant "go forward" were very confused. So, she had to slowly get him to understand that when "she" used these signals, it was ok to pay attention and move forward again. It was a lot of work for my daughter, and she did not even know if she could fix all the damage that this poor young horse now had. Somedays he would show her that he was learning and he seemed to do well, but the next day it would seem like he really forgot all that had been achieved the day before, so again she had to be PATIENT and teach him slowly all over again. Many times this horse would be so confused about the signals to move forward that he would get very frustrated and plant himself and rear up. My daughter had to be VERY PATIENT with that and make sure not to PUNISH HIM. She would wait it through, not let it throw her out of the saddle, and gently ask him again. She had to take out the punishment part. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE ((dawnindark)). This poor young abused horse had to LEARN it was ok to go forward. His learning that did not happen overnight, and it was possible that he may never learn, but my daugther PATIENTLY worked with him day after after day that turned into weeks, and even months. He did learn to go forward, he learned to go back into the riding ring, he learned that a saddle can not hurt, HE LEARNED.

This is what you need too, and it does take time and PATIENCE. No, it's not your fault anymore than it was that young horse's fault.

((Hugs))
OE

Hi Open Eyes,

I had to cry while reading you, thank you so much.

I still don't know much about PTSD technically, but everything you described is really accurate to my case.
The guilt and shame are really overwhelming, I get shivers all day long, and this strange feeling in my stomach and dizziness.

It is completely understandable that professionals are finding it difficult to help me, I understand it also because english is not my mother language either, and I obviously don't want to go in a situation that gets out of control. It's just that I've been waiting for several months, and it gets a bit desperate to look for help and not get it. But I will be patient.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, that makes things a bit more grounded for me. It is wonderful what you are doing with those animals (I am vegan, so thumbs up for people saving animals), you are a hero.

I honestly don't feel safe where I am right now; I had to quit my job because there was a really bad environment that was causing me to feel even worse, and having no friends here makes me really lonely. It's a complicated set of feelings because they recall to my childhood, and I have never felt save while I was a child and that really makes me want to roll myself in a blanket and stay in a corner.

Thank you so much for your advice, I will put it to good use. I will probably write a few words to myself and read them when it gets too much, and remember that those feelings are not the 'now', that it will go away and things will be better.

Is it possible to work on the guilt on my own? I tried to look for it on the internet but everything seems very vague, nothing very practical. Meditation? Yoga? I have no idea of what I can do on my own on that part... I will work on my patient.

Reading these replies really helps me and I can't say thank you enough.

Stay strong,
dawn

((dawnindark)),

I am glad that you feel more grounded after having others that can hear you and relate. You have this site now where you can connect with others when you need support so you don't feel so all alone with this challenge.

You can find friends here, and to be honest if you had friends around you they would not understand how you are challenged, most people don't understand it, not unless a person really makes it a point to learn about it. You are better with individuals that understand what it means to struggle with PTSD, who have experienced the same symptoms you are discribing and have gained on their understanding of it and have gained on managing it better.

Yes, there can be this feeling or emotional flashback of feeling vulnerable and not having that parent that comforted you there for you. Having the chills is also something that some struggle with, I struggle with them myself, it's part of the anxiety that comes with PTSD. The body does this in an attempt to calm/relax even though it doesn't feel that way. What I do for it is I have a heating pad that I sleep with if I am struggling, I use my hair dryer and blow warm air on my legs and over my body and into the covers to warm things up so I can really experience the calming affect that happens when a body is warmed up and slowly cools again. You know, this is something that really does create a soothing and calming affect in the body which is one of the reasons human beings began having these warm bath houses. Some people combat this by taking nice hot showers. I have even come across individuals posting that even when they wake up stressed in the middle of the night, or struggle to sleep they take hot showers. So, what people are doing, it they are using the body's own way of experiencing a physical/physilogical calm from warming up and gradually cooling down.

The guilt/shame is also a part of PTSD, I had experienced that myself and most who struggle with PTSD do struggle with it. So, lets talk a little about that so you can understand it better and when you have that feeling, instead of feeding into it, you know what it is and you can recognize it and do some self talk that acknowledges it and remind yourself it is normal and you really are "not" guilty of anything, it just feels like you are. I gave you that story about the abused horse right? Well, when you begin to feel guilt, I want you to remember that horse who began to get confused and felt he was going to be punished somehow and he became afraid to do a lot of things. He had no reason to feel guilt, he ended up with an owner who was not patient, did not really know how to train a horse and be patient, so whenever he did not understand he was punished somehow, NOT HIS FAULT.

A big part of your learning to manage these PTSD symptoms and gaining on your personal healing is understanding what these symptoms do mean, and IT IS NOTHING YOU DID WRONG. A person who was abuse/neglected in their childhood did nothing wrong, sometimes you will experience memories be it emotional or visual or even auditory and you experience what is called a PTSD cycle. These cycles come over a person like a wave and if you were to stand by an ocean near a shore but into the water a bit, what happens when a wave comes at you, can you stop it? No, it comes in, crests, hits you, pulls you back a bit, but then it pulls back and receeds again. So, a big part of understanding PTSD is learning not to be afraid when you experience a trigger or a PTSD cycle. Eventually, you will figure out what the cycle is connected to, then you can acknowledge whatever it was that challenged you, that whatever it is really is not happening to you right now and it is something that you need to finally work through and understand better and even learn how to deal with better "in the now". You have to gradually learn to be your own "rescuer" and that is important for you right now because you don't have a therapist "yet" to help you learn how to do this for yourself, that you should not be blaming yourself or feeling guilty when you struggle.

Now, I am going to put something here for you to watch. I have to go copy it so I can post it here. This will be a video of a horse I rescued and while he was such a nice little Mustang, someone abused him. He was hit in the face so badly that it broke his jaw and now part of he upper jaw is missing, a few of his teeth were knocked out and he had some loose that needed to be removed. He would try to take care of these loose teeth by soaking his mouth in the water bucket so I was constantly changing the water in his water bucket. I saved up so I could have a special vet come out to work on his mouth and remove these teeth where finally he would heal. He was very sensitive/afraid and I and my daughter had to help him overcome many fears, fear of the saddle blanket, of a saddle, of anyone approaching him with something in their hand because he had been hit/hurt by someone badly. He had to learn how to "trust" and relax whenever we groomed him, touched him and slowly began training him. I have never shared this before, but when you feel guilt, I want you to picture him and think "should he have felt guilt"? NO When I got him he was very thin, had projectile diareah, and needed a lot of TLC. So you are going to see him going through changes where he gets healthier. He sometimes looks a different color because when we worked with him in the winter he had to be shaved so he would not sweat and get a chill when his winter coat got wet. He would better be able to cool down and we would blanket him to keep him warm when not being worked and trained. That is just so you understand why his color changes.

I want to mention that this is a Mustang, caught in the wild in Wyoming. He has a white freeze brand on his neck that tells where he was caught. He was bought by someone who did not know how to train/work with a young horse so he was hit/abused/neglected. Notice we do not hit. He had to learn how to be ok with a bit in his mouth because we took time to fix his mouth. When you see his mouth foaming a little, that is a good thing. I had to do things with him to get him to relax his jaw and mouth with the bit. There are shots of my daugther and one of my students working with him, teaching him how to move off the leg. How to jump, how to be at horse shows. Lots of how too's with no punishmental hitting.

Hi Open Eyes,

Thank you so much again for your reply. It really helps me read this.

I know most people don't understand these situations, I have heard a few 'you just need to think positive and move on' and so on. It's really hard to feel all the time like I'm an alien.

I went to the doctor yesterday, and they gave me some pills that are actually helping me a lot. I am now doing 25mg of sertraline and 20mg of oxazepam per day. I haven't taken medication in so long that even this small dose of oxazepam is already making me feel good. In fact, after I took the first pill, and my body started relaxing, it just felt heavenly. I wished so much I could be like that forever.

Now that I'm a bit more grounded, I can think a bit more clearly about what is happening to me. I do have phases when I feel better and stronger, but these flashbacks always come back and they get harder every time. These up and down phases can happen in the span of a month, but also in a week or day. I feel so strong and proud after recovering (as much as possible) from those depressive days, and now I don't know how to overcome this situations. Do we ever recover from a depression? I also feel like there are so many people in worse situations than I am, and that maybe I should just try to deal with it myself.

I have so many plans, there is so much I want to do, and when these days of anguish strike and I just want to disappear...

Thank you for sharing your video with me and for all the explanations. It's easier to read them from someone who knows how it feels, than from a Wikipedia article.

You are welcome (((dawnindark))). Yes, reading the information about PTSD that is discussed in different places, while informative about the symptoms, doesn't do much for an individual struggling with whatever has hurt that individual that created these symptoms.

I just wanted to point out how even animals can struggle when they experience a trauma/traumas too. That Mustang I showed will always show concern when someone approaches him with something in their hand. When I have a vet or even a farrier come out to work on him I have to show each one how to approach him in a non-threatening way and once they take time to talk to him, working on him is not a problem and he cooperates.

As human beings who have a lot more intelligence, we are more complex in how we can experience and process a trauma/traumas. A reminder that can trigger a human being can include a lot more because of how we have a lot more in terms of language and intellectual depth compared to animals. Unfortunately, one thing human beings can lack is understanding how others can be hurt in a way where they are more sensitive and they don't "just" get over a trauma or perhaps several traumas they had experienced.

I am glad you have medications that help you with some of the symptoms that are so uncomfortable. Having medications that reduce the anxiety that produces an overload of cortizol and adreneline can provide a relief because someone struggling with PTSD does have a very hard time consciously regulating their sensitivity that can create such and uncomfortable reaction where the individual experiences a past event as if it is happening to them in the now. What others do not understand is there is a lot of anticipation anxiety because of how an individual can get triggered so easily and the individual gets very confused about "why" they are struggling this way.

When I began to experience these symptoms I was treated as though I was choosing to react and struggle. That only made me worse and even more confused. When I look back now knowing so much more about PTSD, the way I was treated, even by professionals was actually "cruel" and no one explained to any of my family how I really genuinely was struggling so my family treated me badly, very badly. I was being punished for suffering from something that was not my fault. I began to self blame and that was not good for me either.

It is so important to make sure you don't fall into self blaming, you are hurt and you deserve to have support and understanding. You also need to be encouraged to make sure you do not self blame, that you do a lot of self care, self soothing and look for a place you can have where you can retreat to where you feel safe. My place was my bedroom where I could lay down and have quiet and time to relax until the symptoms and cortizol build up would begin to ease up where I felt better. I had to slowly learn how to understand the things that were triggering me, often things that I was not aware were triggers.

Always remember, it is not your fault that you have PTSD, you deserve help and support and to have the time to understand it and slowly learn how to manage it better.

You are welcome to post in this forum anytime you need support. You don't have to worry about how long your posts are or that you need help and support. Others here know the challenge and understand how you may need to have support.

((Hugs)))
OE

hi dawn,you're welcome sweetie.
my therapist did a dual awareness exercise with me in counseling and also to use my journal to write things down when im upset and she and I will talk about it in my session with her.







Diagnosis : Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 90mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

I am living in a foreign country also this year. I am a Professor who lost the full-tenure track teaching position due to the recession. I was never able to recover. I ended up teaching as an Adjunct in the evening, and working for a non-profit as a designer during the day. Even with both jobs--it wasn't enough. I spent the last year living in my vehicle for 10 months. It was the only way I could get out of my situation...I am in Israel this year getting another graduate degree...hoping it will somehow turn around my life.

I lived in my car for 10 months to pay for all of the fees, luggage, plane tickets-etc--to get here.

I was molested by a doctor for 7 years of my childhood--from age 3-10.
Three years later--I began having Holocaust nightmares. They have haunted me for the past 30 years. I was diagnosed with PTSD from enduring both the molestation and the nightmares.

About 5 years ago, the panic attacks were so out of control--that I would see my students flicker back and forth in their chairs from student to concentration camp victim. I would give a break when they would hit, and run downstairs and lock myself in the bathroom. I would classify PTSD as an emotional cancer that takes over your life...like a hot flash...when you least expect it.

This website has been a large comfort for me. For 40 years of my life I thought what I had...no one else DID. My Rabbi is also my therapist. He has a private practice and all of his degrees in psycho therapy. My best advice I can possible give you--is to keep searching for a good therapist...if you have yet to find one.

Also, if you are a spiritual person--do not allow your PTSD to cause you to lose your faith. Your revenge on all of those who have harmed you in life?
...Is your success.

Everyone laughed at me for having the Holocaust Nightmares.
They laughed at me even more...for being able to sense energy.
Some...even told me I was just some crazy artist.

At this time in history--there is only 1 university in Israel that awards
graduate degrees in Holocaust Education. They just opened the program
4 years ago. I am at it.
THEY did not laugh at me.
In fact--they let me in.

I am the first candidate to represent my state in Holocaust Education
in the state of Israel. So..all of those people who were laughing at me?
Let them keep laughing.
Do not allow your PTSD to destroy your dreams.
Turn the other way when people laugh at you if you are having an attack.
They aren't worthy of you or what you have to offer this world.

I believe--that what we do in this lifetime?
Will forever echo in our Eternity.

Stay strong. You are not the only one having a PTSD meltdown or attack.
Tell yourself that.

Have you considered online therapy? Your therapist could even be half way around the world. You'd have a lot more options that way.

that was a great post and eyeopener

Hi Open Eyes,

How are you doing?
I so understand family that is not understanding of what we are going through... I have had so much of being the crazy one in the family... I am sorry for what you went through!

I still can't identify my triggers, the thoughts just suddenly pop up in my head and then just don't leave... I am now keeping myself busy with a lot of studying and hopefully that will help me also, because I will be home for the next few months until I can find a new job, and I am kind of afraid of the solitude that it might bring...
This was my last week at my job, and it was a bit emotional. It was a process of waking up, going to work, come home, have dinner, go to sleep. I think it did me very good, I was so exhausted...
I am taking it as a 'new beginning' and that's a positive thing.

Last Sunday I did a Reiki course, and have been doing Reiki on myself every day ever since. Together with the medication I can now say I am feeling better. I still wake up in the middle of the night, but I've been able to fall asleep again pretty soon, which is very unusual for me, but very comforting.

I want to thank you so much again for your help!

Hi spring2014,

I thought about trying a journal, but I can't seem to keep up with it. But I think I will put it in my daily rituals because I really think it helps me take things off my chest.

Thank you so much!

Hi RavensPOE,

I am so sorry to read your story. Thank you for sharing it. I think you are really brave.

I do believe in energy, and I'm learning to work with it. I don't let my dreams get destroyed and I have recently started to stay away from everyone that made me feel bad, from family to 'friends', to a situation at work that was totally not worth my efforts.

I will Monday get a paper of the possible therapists I have to call to ask if they are comfortable in speaking english, and hopefully soon I will have someone to help me.

Thank you so much for your advice.

Stay strong, what you are doing is so brave.

That would be an option for me, but I don't even know where to start looking. I don't think that kind of session is very common in my home country. But I will investigate it, thank you for your advice.

Sometimes a trigger takes time to identify. Because so much trauma happened right here on my farm I was being triggered all the time. I did not understand it at all back then. It took me time to figure out what locations were the worst. I think it's the worst living right where a trauma took place.

I think it's just important to do a lot of self talk, never allow yourself to do any self blaming when you struggle. Make it a point to do whatever makes you feel safe and keeping one's self busy is good too. Keep a journal so when you get triggered you can write down whatever you were doing that day and maybe see if you can figure out what triggered you. Give it time. Patience with self is so important.

Hang in there my friend! God Bless...There are people that care about you and there is help out there..just take it a day at a time. I struggle too and I know there are people with worse problems, that's why I get so frustrated with myself for not getting a grip sometimes. But I too have to take it day by day and " I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me"..that is how I make my Lord and Savior. .Jesus Christ..not trying to preach to you..just quoting what works for me!.. my battery going dead.. take care and keep your head held up high!
Naomi

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337 using Tapatalk

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to live there. You are very brave.

I will keep a journal with me, and I'm always making myself busy...
Thank you so much for your help!

I understand, I also sometimes think 'There are people that went through way worse than I did, I should just be grateful for the 'small' I had.' But we all feel things different, and it doesn't mean we should suffer in silence.
Stay strong, better days will come.

I don't know if it's brave dawnindark. It was and still is extremely confusing and often very debilitating and I genuinely did not even know where to begin to verbalize it. When I experienced a post traumatic breakdown I tried to explain the significance of what I experienced but unfortunately all the clear red flags I was expressing that means "trauma patient" were completely ignored. It did not really help me to read about it and see the symptoms, I had them all but did not really understand why.

It's important to have the exposure to a therapist who specializes in it too. And not all psychiatrists understand it and often they misdiagnose the patient with other disorders instead. It is not unusual for a psychiatrist to mistake the PTSD cycles for bipolar. Or see the depressive episodes as major depressive disorder. In my case these professionals were much too quick to write things down that would later only add to the confusion I faced with professionals.

It really makes a huge difference to a patient when they are treated correctly and not lead on some wild goose chase of further confusion.

When you got some helpful answers and the right validation you felt so much more grounded right? It is very important you have that kind of support so you don't end up feeding into the PTSD which only makes it worse.

I still go outside and get overcome with an onset of hyper vigilance where inside I feel like I am running a marathon. I don't purposely decide to experience that, it just comes over me and then, even though I now understand "why", it's still a lot of work for me to keep going even though I am experiencing that reaction on some deep subconscious level. And I tend to get angry when my husband or others tell me "just don't" because what they are failing to understand is that what I experience is "intrusive", I don't choose to experience it.

That Mustang you got to see in that video was hurt badly, very painful for him as part of his jaw bone is gone and some of his teeth were knocked out, some still dangling that needed to be removed under anethesia. He is never going to stop being afraid when someone approaches him with something in their hand, especially when the individual makes eye contact with him as they approach him. Notice he came to me instead of me going to him? I let "him" choose. I have to show everyone how to do that with him and if you do that with him he is amazing to work with be it a farrier or a vet or a rider.
I always respect how he was traumatized, not his fault and he will always be sensitive that way, not his fault, not your fault, not my fault if we too are sensitive.