Impending Freak-Out!!

We are about to have another Air Show in my area. We have one every year.

Last year, when the fighter jets would fly over my place, I would run into the bathroom shaking and crying. When the big transport planes roared over my place, I would find myself shaking and crying again. Over and over....for two days of the event.

It's going to happen again this weekend. I can't really get away from it. And I guess I *really* should just allow myself to experience it and try not to freak out. That's the therapeutic way, right??

But the noise and the beauty of those planes.....it brings me to tears. And it, of course, sends me back to the plane crash that I worked on. And the noise is so loud. It just makes me BAWL.

So.....I should get outside and watch them, do you think?? I couldn't go to the actual Air Show....I think I would have a breakdown in front of too many people!!! These incredible planes fly right over the top of my place....it's so awesome!!!!!

But the noise....and seeing those formations of planes coming towards me and then straight over top of me.......it makes me CRY like a baby. And I have to run to the bathroom and plug my ears as I cry and shake.

Ugh, I don't know what to do. I should MAKE myself sit through it, right??

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you want to watch the air show from your house, that's great! Maybe you could consider getting a pair of earplugs to use. But if you don't want to, that's not a problem either.

Loud noise is not really good for anyone. I have a lower pain threshold for loud noise than most, as I lack the reflex that is designed to protect you from some of the impact of loud noise. I don't do events where I know I will exposed to loud noise, if I have a choice about it, because I will be a crumpled heap on the floor. I could wear earplugs, and maybe that's an idea for parades and things with flyovers, but for concerts and basketball games, etc., what's the point? I'm not that into things like that anyway, so it simply isn't worth it to me.

That's what you need to decide. Is it worth it to you to watch the air show? They can be really neat, and wearing ear plugs can help you deal with the noise. If it is something you want to do, that's great, but if it's not worth it to you, don't feel bad about going someplace else or whatever you need to do to protect yourself.

You do not have to make yourself do anything!!

I hear a lot of 'shoulds' coming out of ya. That's when we try to please others and 'fool' ourselves.

Personally I do not think forcing yourself to watch would be helpful.

Instead I think bawling and hiding sound perfectly okay. In fact giving yourself the permission to hide and cry and 'breakdown' might be very liberating.

This is coming from a woman who has spent time hiding in the back of closets, under desks, crammed in the corner between the bed and the wall, etc. I'm an old pro when it comes to hiding and freaking out.

And I think the hiding and freaking out need to happen before one can face the scary things. Let yourself grieve and cry and wig out or whatever it is that right now you 'feel' you shouldn't do.

I think you can count my vote in the freak out and hide column!

I have so many items near this computer that are from your province. I think of that place with great fondness. The people there are the best I've met on this planet thus far. Wacky too, in the good way, those Maritimers! (ma is one so I've been raised with that odd humour that is only found out in the wind swept Maritimes)

With enormous support,

Please don't force yourself to do anything until you are ready. You need time to process your experience and identify what is most triggering for you. It doesn't mean force yourself into exposure so you can "get over it". In time that will come, you will notice that you can do little things you couldn't before. I was severely abused and for years whenever I would even imagine the trip back to that state when I was about 45 minutes from where I grew up I would panic. I would see the river and be flooded with fear. I can make those trips now and I know it's a memory. I was also able to find happy memories in the surrounding towns. All of this I say to tell you it takes time and processing. Repeating your story a million times from different angles and getting new perceptions. If you feel like you can watch the show and think about the talent and the craft etc, do so. If you are going to be traumatized than get away from it. You are healing and what you went through is very horrible. It's okay to take time and heal at your own pace in your own way. I wish you peace especially on this air show day.

Hi Rapunzel,

Have you always had problems with loud noises? Does that mean you missed out on going to concerts when you were in your teens? Oh my!! How sad. Of course, you probably have perfect hearing now whereas all us sillies blew our ear drums out before we hit our 20's!!

No, I would not watch the Air Show if I had a choice. I still would not go to the actual event. But....when the path for some of the displays is right over my roof (and flying LOW), it's rather hard to ignore. And you're right....they are really thrilling to watch!! I just tend to have an adverse reaction to the thrill.

Maybe I need to live on a flight-path, like Ozzie does. Then I would get so used to hearing planes that they wouldn't bother me in the least. Yeah right! I'd probably end up as the neighborhood looney-toon!!!

(Aren't these little yellow guys fun?? ) Gotta love them!!!

Thanks for thinking of me!!

((Rapunzel)) : Let down your long hair.

Hi Zenhussy,

You are wonderful. I would give you a HUGE hug if you were here. Your messages mean a lot to me.

I'm sorry that you have had to hide yourself away at times. I'm sorry that you have felt the need to protect yourself in such a way. But you know what? You come across as a very strong and positive person in the messages I've read.....so I guess moving furniture away from the wall to accomodate our big butts must be working!!!

I think you're a bit kooky yourself!!!! Maybe, just maybe, you rubbed off on the Maritimes!!! Aha! You are the one responsible for our wackiness here!!

I'm going to be stuck here for the Air Show. I don't have a car, so I can't very well drive someplace quiet. I'm not about to ask my family to help me through the weekend. And I won't be able to totally freak out because my kids are here.....which may be a good thing. I don't cry in front of people. I will not cry in front of people.

I'll be thinking of you when I find myself locked in the bathroom this weekend! Must be a thrill to know someone will be sitting on the toilet with thoughts of you!!!!!!!

(((Zenhussy)))

Hi Wisewoman,

I think you're probably right in that I shouldn't force myself into exposure in order to "get over it". I just haven't had any counselling yet for my PTSD (only assessments up the gazoo), and I thought that you were supposed to confront what triggers you.....not bury it under the covers and pretend it's not important.

I am so sorry that you went through years of abuse. I guess we are sisters in that regard. I was in an abusive marriage for 11 years until I finally got the courage to leave and start life all over again. Hello Welfare! Oh well......some things are better than abuse, right? I'm glad that you are safe.

Thanks for responding to my post. It means a lot that you took the time to do that. Let me know if I can help you with anything.

(((Wisewoman)))

Hi. I hope that you will give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself and do whatever you need to to help yourself. The earplug idea sounds good to me. If you have a wy to get out of town for a while for a nice quiet drive, that sounds nice too. maybe you have someone you trust who can come over or if you have a counselor ask them what they think. The most important thing is to do what's best for you. If you feel like you'd have to force yourself to watch that might not be the most gentle thing for you. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Are you reffering to the air show in toronto?

What makes you so scared of the planes? IS it the noise?

You have to constantly remind yourself that they cannot hurt you, the planes. They are loud, but you have nothing to fear from them right?

I can understand the trigger of having to think back to the plain crash you use to work on, but you need to focus on the now and know where you are. You aren't back there anymore, working on the crash site. I think the more you remind yourself of the now the easier it will become.

Do you talk about this with your therapist?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think you're a bit kooky yourself!!!! Maybe, just maybe, you rubbed off on the Maritimes!!! Aha! You are the one responsible for our wackiness here!!

I'll be thinking of you when I find myself locked in the bathroom this weekend! Must be a thrill to know someone will be sitting on the toilet with thoughts of you!!!!!!!

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Miss_Understood,

Aha! Me thinks you have seen me on a previous visit there!! Mum's town all know when the crazy Californian is visiting!

The Maritime wackiness rests with the Newfies. Case closed.

I am at a loss for words knowing that I'll be in your thoughts as you are hiding on your porcelain throne this weekend! lol

Thank you for your kind words. Indeed we're strong from moving that furniture to accomodate our large buttskys. (btw......how did you know about the size of my tuchus? )

I'll be through YHZ next Fri/Sat. I'm beginning an open ended visit for convalescing at ma's.

If you are misfortunate enough to be out on the 103 watch out for a gold pathfinder..........there will be a crazy californian at the wheel driving like she is still in california. (the mounties are not amused by my innocent act of mph/kph confusion )

Thanks alm15,

You know, I don't feel as tense about this upcoming Air Show tomorrow and Sunday. I think all this yakking on here with you guys has released a bit of my stress.

Yes, it probably would have been nice to have a therapist to bounce some things off of. But I had to go through the anniversary of the plane crash PLUS this darn Air Show by myself because my therapist didn't see the importance of seeing me at this stressful time of year for me. I guess I'm real good at covering up.

I'm thankful you have been chatting with me here on Doc John's great site!! What would I do without you!!

(((alm15)))

Hi Sundance,

No, I don't live in the Toronto area. I'm a little further east than that. I'm on the edge of the ocean.

I'm not sure why the planes from the Air Show make me shake and cry. I mean, they *really* upset me. Yes, the noise is a big factor in it because these are formations of fighter jets flying right over the top of me!! And they are sooo beautiful. I was impacted upon the most by the pilot and copilot from the plane crash, so maybe I'm crying because of the pilots in these wonderful fighter jets. I don't know. It just hurts a lot to watch them, and I don't seem to have much control over "freaking out".

No, I haven't talked to a therapist about this or anything about working on the disaster. I've just mentioned it, and that's all. I would find it EXTREMELY difficult to go into detail about it with someone who doesn't get it....who wasn't involved. It's just not something I can do.

I will be okay. It's not like the first couple of years afterwards, when all of us where bonkers! I guess it just takes time to heal.

Thanks for caring,

(((Sundance)))

Okay Zeny-poo,

This is getting to be too much!! Did you know that I lived in California for 11 years???????

I can't believe you're going to be in my area!! Are you sure you're not stalking me? I mean, I do have an enviously clean bathroom!!!

Send me a private email. Maybe we'll chance to meet upon each other at the waterfront.

(((Zenhussy)))

I just discovered that the Air Show has been changed from the military base to the airport.....meaning the planes aren't near me this time. Sheesh. Guess it would be a good idea for me to read the newpaper once in a while.

I am leaving Doc John's site now. Thanks everyone for standing by me when I was feeling unstable. I appreciate it. But it's time to get away from internet support communities. Time to do it on my own.

Take care. God bless.

As with many people with PTSD when we 'freak out' we often feel we need to run and hide and never be seen again by those people. And those people being whatever group we've just run from.

I've sent you a PM. I didn't quite know what to write here in public on board so that is reason for the PM.

Please take care and know that with therapy and support there is healing from PTSD and other past traumas.
((Miss_Understood))

It would be very hard to talk about the accidents to someone, but talking about it helps you heal. Getting it out and learning how to deal and cope with it is very important. If you are that afraid of the sounds of the planes, the noise and it's causing you anxiety ect then that needs to be acknowledged, dealing with that and one day you will not get upset when you see those jets fly over head, instead you'll one day be able to look up and actually enjoy them .... it take time... I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with this, take care of yourself...