Would you laugh if you heard this?

I'm pretty convinced that I've been experiencing PTSD due to being bullied when I was a child. When people do bad things to me, I can't shake it off, even if I forgive them. I have trouble confronting them and often I don't know how to respond when I've been offended--which I think makes me a target for some people.

I get heart racing and high blood pressure when I ruminate over something someone said/did or what I wish I said, etc. I'm having a bad day, just thinking about being around certain people and daydreaming that they'll say something offensive and what I should say in response. I thought it might be depression, but I kinds doubt it based on the common descriptions of depression. It's all completely feeling scared/frustrated/etc. over adult bullies. So the "trigger" for me is to be around someone who I suspect will bully me [again] and that reminds me of having those awful bullies as a child.

I'm considering getting a therapist for PTSD, but I have sense to know that when people have PTSD it's from MAJOR incidents like child abuse, sexual abuse, rape, battle, tragic accidents, etc. My problem seems so incredibly minor compared to others. I was never physically abused. But I did have an intense feeling of helplessness and suicidal thoughts. I literally had no one to help me when the bullies taunted me or threw my books on the ground or mocked me. My parents did nothing. Teachers did nothing because they couldn't handle the bullies either.

I know that every now and then when we hear of kids shooting in schools because they were bullied, I feel like I understand what they were feeling. If I had had a gun in my hand during those bullying incidents, I'd be in jail now! Unfortunately, I think I'd feel better too. I am glad when I hear the schools have bully-prevention strategies today, I wish there was more of that back then.

So what do you think, would I get laughed out of the office? Is there a way I can get a support group for adults who were bullied as kids?

(((((((((((( dunnit260 )))))))))))))))
I don't think that you would get laughed out of a therapist office. One thing to keep in mind about trauma is it doesn't matter what others think about what you experienced it only matters how it effected you. I don't think that bullying is a minor issue, I know from personal experience how it can effect your life.
I think that going to a therapist would be a good step, it might help how you feel.

I think one of the things about PTSD is not only the severity of the original stresses, but over how long a period they took place. The longer the more the long-term damage is likely to be.

<font color="purple"> I wouldn't laugh because the same things happen to me. I think.

If they don't, then I at least know how you feel. No adults really helped me either when I was being bullied, and my coping skills aren't the greatest because I'm just a really sensitive person so I get overwhelmed by emotions easily. The result is having a depressed child grow up to be a major depressive preteen and then get better once I made friends and then even today I know that it has comprimised how I veiw myself and act.

It's not really PTSD, but I at least know how you feel with the "my situation is so minor". I guess we both just have to realise in our hearts and not just in our heads that everything is important, that regardless of wether or not the only thing you did in life was stub your toe, or if you fell of a cliff and broke every bone in your body, that it's still the worst pain that you've felt in your life. It may not be important or significant to other people but it doesn't matter because it is to you (and it is to me too). The way YOU feel is very important in therapy.

The difference though between us is that I'm a teenager who is technicly still kid. You're an adult now. Nothing wrong with that though.
Kids are still bullied ALOT this day in age.
I swear those programs do nothing. </font>

KAIKA: I hope you overcome the feelings caused by your prior bullies. If your social life is coming along, I hope you develop lifelong, dependable friends. Thanks for your insight.

Yes, time is a factor. I tried talking to people about the bullies when I was in my 20s. I was too ashamed of it in my upper teens, it didn't seem cool to tell other kids that you were a victim. My friends from my 20s pretty much said, "that's in the past, let it go, stop talking about it." I never talked to my parents. Now I realize I should have been in therapy and I should have confronted my parents to tell them how I felt abandoned when they chose to do absolutely nothing when the school counselor called them to say I was appearing to have a nervous breakdown. To this day they don't know half the stuff that was done to me or the fact that I was suicidal. By taking no action, I thought they didn't care and I might as well clam up and take matters into my own hands. The only thing that stopped me from commiting suicide was a county redistricting decision that put me in a different school and I prayed for better days. Things got a lot better on the outside, I was still in a lot of pain on the inside though.

The bully prevention programs train parents to look for signs of bullying. I dreaded everyday of going to school, stopped eating, cried a lot, slept in class, no energy, all the symptoms. No one in my household made the connection. They thought I just wanted to play hookie or didn't like school work. To the contrary, I loved school work. Because I had to listen to them lecture about the school work, and I couldn't get it out about the bullying or having a preference being dead than to go to school, I started hating being at home too. It was a pathetic situation. I never fully recovered from that lost period of learning either. Ironically, as I got better, my parents thought/think it's because of their disciplining tactics.

The reason KAIKA doesn't see the bully prevention programs working is probably because too many parents and other adults use a "kids will be kids" philosophy. They think kids have to learn to be tough and a little aggression here and there makes them a stronger. I suppose "sensitive people" are in the minority. There seems to be more pressure on kids to succeed at sports, academics, whatever. Any pressure to succeed can result in negative behaviors from the kids who don't meet a milestone. (Recent news: Temptation to steal tests and break into networks to change grades!) There's also more materialism and dating than I noticed as a teen...it seems to have led to more violent fighting over boyfriends/girlfriends and jealousy.

I did read up on complex PTSD and noticed that bullying is getting more attention as a cause of PTS. There's quite a bit on work-place bullying. I've had that one too, but I attributed my inability to confront workplace bullies with my unresolved childhood bullies.

It's so easy for people to excuse poor behavior. It's easy for people to cover up their past wrongs and move on. I never forget the talk show episodes that bring a former bully and their victim(s) together in an effort for the victim to seek closure. Nine times out of 10, the bully swears they don't remember the incidents or they didn't think it was that big of a deal. I used to dream of being on those shows so I could confront my own bullies and I'd write out what I'd say to them.

I read on one site that PTSD is characterized by the person feeling helpless in the situation and the feeling of helplessness has to be attacked first. We have to learn that it's not our fault that we couldn't change the situation and forgive the people associated with the trauma. When something triggers that feeling of helplessness, in my case dealing with offensive behavior from another adult, we need an action plan to get through it. I'm realizing that even though I've had an action plan, it's not effective simply because I'm not good at the very thing the action plan requires. Which is also the very thing that makes me an easy target. I have to deal with triggers the way a dyslexic person probably deals with reading; one word at a time or one defensive response at a time. I need practice and a coach.

I've searched for groups for adult victims of childhood bullying, no luck. There are groups listed for general PTSD, but I just know someone would act as if my problem is minor and would say the same thing so many other people have said, "Get over it!"

No, you won't be laughed out of the office.

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd".html

That site validates intense bullying responses meet the criteria for ptsd.

<font color="purple">Well, there are two problems that I had with the programs:

1.) The kids never litsened when people told them that bullying is wrong. Adults think only teenagers develop their own social systems? Kids do it too. Just based different things. It's just instinct do develop different social groups. So you can tell kids all you want that bullying is wrong, they have their own systems that work for them that they go by.

2.) Like you were saying, adults never ENFORCE the rules against bullying.

I don't think even if my parents got the connection that they couldn't do much for me anyways. So, they left it to me to deal with by myself. Maybe they were the ones who decided I should be in or agreed to me being in child therapy in elementary school (or maybe it was just a part of my program?), but they weren't very helpful on the day to day basis. I loved my teachers- but they couldn't do much either because it all occured when they weren't looking, and I hardly ever told them because when I did as an even younger child the adults either told me to stop being a tattle-tale or just gave me the cold shoulder.

I managed to get by though, I read books on animals or drew during recess, I hated the outdoors, and during latchkey I liked to draw or play with the toys they had there after they banned us from bringing our pokemon stuff to school. When I got home I did my homework (until the 3rd grade and onwards when I "forgot" to bring it home, for a year or so this was legit forgetfullness, but the rest of the time I just got lazy) I absorbed myself in creative pursuits, built a wall around myself from my parents and other kids too, I guess I didn't act depressive- except for a few episodes.

I remember breaking down once, I had a bad day as it was, and gym class just made it worse. I finaly just broke down and started crying and when the teacher asked why I just said "Nobody loves me" I guess I touched the hearts of everyone in class because I swear every kid in class went up and gave me a hug and said they loved me. I think that made it a little better- not by much though, at least most of my classmates left me alone at that point. but that didn't stop the other kids, some older, some younger. the only time the bullying stoped is when I moved froma big school to a small little rural one at the very last year of middle school.

My best friend and I just refer to our childhood pains jokingly as "8 year old angst" and the other day I told her that the sad thing is that every kid goes through "8 year old angst" it's the very reason why I took this one little boy under my wing, he just seemed to echo my brother and I as kids.

I went through a period of bad friends- but I'm happy to say I've got really good ones now. My best friend and I will have been friends for 5 years once the next year of school starts. </font>

Oh man, that made me cry!

That's great, you've got a friend for life!

SKY: Thanks for the link!

<font color="purple"> Didn't mean to make you cry
I guess I must be used to it because honestly it doesn't hurt anymore
I can mull over in it, brood over my memories as much as I want, but they rarely hurt anymore. I really minimized whatever has happened because in the big picture I've never viewed my chilhood as being that bad. Sure, I was bullied but it could have been alot worse. It's probably why I feel guilty for seeking help or sharing my past because even though it may be bothering me from time to time, I still have that mentality like it's a badge or something. Unless my memories of that time are poor and inacurate- wouldn't be the first time.

I as mainly bullied because I was "fat" (when I look back at my old pictures though, I was just a little plump is all, no biggie, it's just that every other kid in school were as skinny as rails) I was really uncoordinated and not very strong- a bit of delayed develpment if you will because I was born so premature, thus, I was really bad at athletics (and HATED gym class- loved my Physical therapy/Occupational therapy classes though :P) I was very quiet too, and eccentric, and creative, this made me an outcast socialy, and because my mom wasn't with me all the time I had the same fassion sense as my dad...not a very good one, kids would complain to me that I smelled or never brushed my hair (both counts mind you were lies, but noone ever said bullies had to tell the truth) but above all I was just a very sensitive and naive kid. (so gullable people could trick me to do anything) and all of those things together is like the perfect storm for being an easy target for even first graders to bully me.

My expirience with bullying is manly verbal. with two exceptions:

1.) While acting out and taunting people, acting like a bit of a bully myself, the kid usualy ending up snapping and beating the crap out of me. I guess I'm a lover not a fighter.

2.) My brother. You see, we have an interesting relationship. He loves, trusts me, and in that sense we are very close. BUT he doesn't really respect me. And during our younger years he was a bully too- just in the ol' sibling rivlary kind of way. It's so confusing, one minute he wants hugs and says that he loves me and when I was a kid once he literaly puched out a kid who was picking on me, but then he does the typical brother thing and bugs me, and having very specific memories of him literaly beating me up as a kid, and pretending he was going to run away knowing full well that I'd actualy believe him and beg him to stay. I guess it's just complex.</font>

(KAIKA: Yes, kids can be mean, especially about physical traits. I hope you're truly moving on past that painful period.) I don't have children, but if I did, I'd listen to them when they talked about their day at school. Kids need that so much. I'd do something when they say someone treated them wrongly.

I wish I had something physical to blame, for me, 6th grade was a wrong place/wrong time kind of thing. The two main bullies were very, very poor and I now know they were likely from homes with an abuser. There's a certain way an abuser belittles their spouse, evil words roll off of their toungue without a single pause for breath. These boys were way too young to talk like that. I remember just pleading with them to stop and I yelled that I hadn't done anything to them. But I had done something, I tempted them by not fighting back and not having "street sense." They could swear as if swearing were their language. They were inner city kids, I was not. I wasn't rich (barely middle class), but they probably saw me as part of their problem of being poor. I later found out they were teased because they wore the same clothes 2-3x a week and they had free lunch. I never even noticed. They never hit me, but the daily teasing in between classes, before and after school was just as bad.

That same year, I upset a girl in PE because I hit the volleyball after she said, "I got it!" In the locker room, she took my clothes away and had everyone stare while she slapped me several times. I stood there frozen, not believing she would do that just because of a minor mistake. Everyone was always afraid of her because she liked to fight. I hated the thought of going to PE for the rest of the year. There were no more incidents with her, she was the passive bully..you were ok if you didn't pass her.

Kids were generally friendly with me, the 3 people I described were the only problem. I wasn't a loner, I honestly tried making friends. I wanted to talk about important things like what we wanted to be when we grew up or books. Other kids seemed to want to talk about what was on TV last night or songs on the radio. At lunch and recess, I sat quietly with the chubby kid and the real loner, both of whom most EVERYONE teased.

I once thought I had a good friend only to find out she was just being "nice". Towards the end of the year I became friends with a girl who was teased for being "unattractive" and when we talked, we both carefully avoided talking about school. I didn't see her much more because I was redistricted. I felt horrible to leave her behind.

As an adult, I've had a long pattern of not keeping friends for very long, mostly because I have a very, very, very, very low tolerance for any behavior that shows they are jealous or are trying to make me jealous of them. Sooner or later, something is said/done that causes me to need to confront them; I avoid the confrontation and stop talking to them. They never contact me, because they know why I'm upset. Only once have I had a friend admit to being jealous and asked for forgiveness. I trust her with a grain of salt.

Each time I have a friend let me down, I go through a very long, grueling period of stress and remembering the trauma of being bullied. The trauma of wanting to die just to get away from it. The trauma of knowing several adults knew I was in misery and they did nothing to stop it. Now I'm to the point that I fear quitting my job and becoming a hermit.

Some people say that trouble helps to make you stronger, I've always hated that philosophy and wished people would just love each other. However, one thing is for sure. Those 2 bullies from 6th grade taught me to recognize a potential abuser. Whenever I've dated a man who seemed the least bit of a blamer or lacking respect, I've ended the relationship. I never looked back. My boyfriend of 10 years is super patient and kind, and it helps to know he at least wouldn't hurt me the way my female friends have.

I don't have children, but if I did, I'd listen to them when they talked about their day at school. Kids need that so much. I'd do something when they say someone treated them wrongly.

<font color="purple">
I know what you mean, I'm sure a few of my bullies were from bad homes too, most of them though I have to admit, were just the rich brats. There has only been about 3 incidents of me being bullied after I moved, one of which I've completely forgiven the bully because she was bipolar and her mean-ness was a side effect of the drug her doctor switched her to, so it's not like she deliberately tried to be mean. Another girl I...don't know what her problem was, but I'm sure she must have dropped out when she went to highschool, it wouldn't suprise me if her parents were drop outs like that too. That last person? Eh, I know a little bit about him because he used to be friends with my brother- he's just a stoner and an idiot. I don't think his parents really care either.

But I digress, I'm sorry that your expiriences have effected you later in life. I don't think the bullying was really anyones fault to be honest. Of course nobody deserves to be bullied, but the way you decribe your bullies it sound like they were just some really confused and hurting kids underneath all of the crap.

The story about that girl though...reminds me of a girl I know from our school. She's not afraid to beat up anyone she doesn't agree with, just comes off as a really combative person. Thank god I havn't made her mad, just because if we ever got into a fight I know who would win...and it wouldn't be me. Like I said before: I'm a lover, not a fighter </font>

I understand what you're feeling.....100%!!! You are NOT alone!! That's what took me so long to get help...wondering what people would think...(the doctors, my family, and what few friends I do have.) If your anything like me....those thoughts...affect your life alot. I have thoughts like that all the time. what people will think of me...what people will say...and what should I say ...or what shouldn't I say. Get help!! I just started seeking help...and you know what...I'm starting to feel normal ...for the first time in my life. Don't get me wrong...I'm still struggling...but I know with the right additute and help...I can finally control my life!! Good luck...and remember...You can do it!!!

TINNA: What did you do to get help? (If you don't mind me asking.)

KAIKA: I forgot to say that I don't think my issue is with the bullies, I forgave them a long time ago and rationalized that they must have had some pretty rough lives at home. I hope they somehow overcame their troubled childhoods. However, I doubt they even know half the extent of the fear I had of going to school. I can't imagine they ever said, "I wish I could apologize to Dunnit260." That's ok with me.

My issue is feeling abandoned by the adults in my life at the time. That feeling of being abandoned never went away. So when friends "seem" to abandon me by saying/doing little things that women often do, the feelings all come back. [over and over and over and over and over....] I agree that I'm probably a sensitive person, I find myself asking why would a friend do that to me when she knows I would never do that to her?

I have practically no ability to let the "little things" roll off. These include things like being jealous or trying to make me jealous of weight, income, relationships, beauty, furniture, house size, car, education, and intellect. These things don't matter to me nearly as much as it does for people to just love each other AND THEMSELVES for who they are. If all I had to do is get to know other people, I'd be fine. It seems that they get to know me, a certain pattern keeps reappearing. Friendships, co-worker relationships, and other aquaintances always start out so friendly and cordial. Sooner or later, people (always women, but I'm trying not to stereotype) say the wrong thing, and I'm DONE with them. No confrontation, DONE. I'm scared of the confrontation and I literally shake at the thought of it.

Oprah once said women's friendships are built upon secrets, in further detail she commented that women play little games in their friendships, but lasting friendships are those that we get past the little games and learn to laugh it off. No way, I can't laugh it off. That stuff hurts and it feels just as bad as being teased.

I went to my local Centerstone. I didn't have insur. but they helped me get state only insur. The place has helped me ...alot. Taking the first step was hard...HARD as ever...but after that first step...I am now reaching out to others for help. For me ...it was important to reach out. Holding everthing in was hurting me... way to much. A positive attitude will help too!!!